33 Teeth

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The pervy trailer photo.

33 Teeth is a homoerotic short film about a 14-year-old boy who has a sexual fascination with his adult male neighbor's muscles and penis. The dir-erector of the film, big surprise, is an openly gay man from Texas named Evan Roberts who claims the movie is about reliving his own teenage curiosities, as well as illustrating his own objectification of combs by using them to measure your dick. For some reason, the movie is being panned as a comedy, but the only fans of the movie are likely creeps who put themselves in place of the adult neighbor and fantasize about violating the young teen pro-fag-onist.

The short film has exploded all over the faces of the gay film community, earning two Gold Dongs and an Alternate Lifetime Achievement award.

The Plot[edit]

What 33 Teeth would feel like irl.
Literal 33 Teeth.

Being a gay film by a gay man, it opens with a quick roll of credits as a shirtless man jogs around a block. Some young boy is seen helping his mom get groceries out of her car just as the shirtless man makes it home next door and begins doing the most ridiculous squat exercise you've ever seen, zooming in on his muscles as he does so. The young teen seems unable to tear his eyes away from the man's muscles as he carries his mom's groceries into the house for her while she yammers away on her cellphone. Basically, the film wastes no time identifying the main character, a kid who's barely in high school, as gay.

The gay teen then runs up to his room to feed his fish "Mozart" as his mom's voice is heard asking him to take the trash out. But instead of complying with his mom's request, he jumps on his bed with his shoes on and peeks out his blinds. When we're able to see what he's seeing, it's revealed to be the same adult from next door, but this time he's completely naked in his bathroom and using a comb to measure the size of his penis. The young teen stares in quiet awe as the adult pulls one of the comb's teeth out, indicating his penis length, before setting it back in the drawer.

With his mother's demands growing louder, the gaylord teen finally takes the trash out, only to notice that his heterosexual adult crush's male friend is now standing outside his car, waiting on his friend to leave. The kid pauses and stares at him just as his neighbor walks out and greets him, causing his friend to announce "what's your little faggot friend looking at, man?" while glancing at the teen. The neighbor snarkily replies "your ass," and they both leave in the friend's car.

The kid looks all sad and discriminated against for a while, trying his hardest to earn the director an award in the LGBTQPRSTUV film community, then gets a dastardly idea in his twisted, deviant mind. Noticing mail in the neighbor's mailbox, he takes a few letters out and knocks on their front door. The neighbor's old mom answers, and falls for the kid's trick that he was returning mail that was "accidentally delivered to his house instead." He then asks to use her bathroom, as if they didn't have a bathroom at their own house next door, and runs past her before she can even connect the dots.

Once inside, the kid discovers the penis-measuring comb and drops his pants to his ankles, just as the neighbor returns. Apparently he had forgotten his wallet in the bathroom, and the gay kid sneaks out just before he catches him in the act. The neighbor then finds his wallet, and decides to use the penis-measuring comb to feather back his hair again, but then notices that it was missing an extra tooth on it, implying that the gay teen had measured his own dick with it and that it had in fact been bigger than his.

The brace-faced young teen runs back into his bedroom and jumps on his bed, smiling and satisfied with what he did. He holds the tooth he removed from the comb like a trophy, and then places it under his pillow as if he's expecting the tooth comb fairy to give him money for it. He smiles one final time before the credits roll, revealing the list of lops responsible for this theatrical abomination.

The Inspiration Behind It[edit]

While no one wants to know what (or who, rather) is behind the director of this movie, someone did find it necessary to interrogate him on what possessed him to want to create a movie about a young teen lusting over a young adult. When asked if the characters were inspired by real people, Roberts replied with:

 
 
Not at all, but it is based on a story from my teenage years. A group of friends were throwing around a basketball one night, and the subject of measuring came up. We were divided on the topic – some had measured, some hadn't measured, some didn't see a need. Off to the side, I heard one reply, meekly, "Well, I measured with a comb once." It really puzzled me. There's not a standard comb size or anything, so it left a lot to the imagination. I wasn't out to myself or my friends at that time, but I began having daydreams of looking for this comb at this friend's house. I never did find it.
 

 

This quote tells us everything we need to know about the mind of the man behind the film. A group of kids can't even play sports without one of their "friends" imagining how big their shlongs are, and plotting to search their bathrooms for their penis-measuring combs so he can measure his dick with it, comb his hair with, lick it, who knows (or wants to know).

Peeping Tommy[edit]

No, it's not a movie about the dentist.

See Also[edit]

External Links[edit]


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