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A Man in Black
We're all going to die. Someway, somehow. Some of us are going to rest for eternity with our dicks rotting off below 6 feet of cold dirt, and some of us are going to lay in bloody messes, mutilated by the flaming metal panels that once made an airplane. It's going to happen eventually to us all, we don't have godmode. Some of us use this as an excuse to be Narcissistic assholes; we're all going to die, so why not only worry about the self? Some of us prefer to take that one step further. Some of us value what we say to the point where, despite thousands of voices (no, not those kinds of voices) calling out and proving our opinion to be complete garbage but still having vast amounts of unwarranted self-importance to the point where we unironically quote ourselves as sources of intellect, and try to get people to pay us to ramble.
...And by "some of us," I'm referring to a Man in Black (or aMiB for people too impatient to type 14 characters), a tub of human sewage known for spouting radically authoritative dogma both before and during GamerGate, constantly defending brave wimmins like Zoe Quinn from pesky things like facts, harassing people that have penises, and writing clickbait for hire.
- 1 Swerving into all the Potholes of Life
- 2 GamerGate Bullshit
- 3 Taking Down ED
- 4 Gallery
- 5 External links
- 6 See Also
Swerving into all the Potholes of Life
In order for one to truly understand just what the fuck is wrong with aMiB, one should walk a mile in his shoes (which are with no doubt drenched in his reeking sweat after years of overexerting himself with such mundane tasks as walking to the fridge, but I digress). Just like his soulmate Sarah Butts, a Man in Black had a life outside of constantly shitposting about GamerGate that he chose to throw away for 15 minutes of e-celebrity status. Was it worth it? Well, considering how shitty his life was beforehand, a little recognition as a stark raving lunatic is better by comparison.
You see, in his younger days in the dawn of Web 2.0, aMiB made it a personal mission to escape his poorfaggotry (which he blames for nearly causing him to fail school, clearly not because of his crippling retardation) and overall unattractiveness through more traditional means: pretending he's a wolf on the internet.
This embarrassing display of autism could be excused as a phase during puberty if aMiB grew out of his 2edgy4u attitude. He did this at the same time he changed his standard username. We can only spectate that he likes acting like a spoiled faggot. No, really, he spent years pretending to be a Mary Stu (literal) faggot, try to mold himself to be as "edgy" and "clever" as his other original character, Leo Morales. We still do not have confirmation if he has forced himself to become homosexual in order to become a perfect match.
—A Man in Black, doing what he does best.
Deciding, for once, to actually try to make something of his life, a Man in Black began to devote his time to helping line Jimbo Wales' pockets for free. His exploits on the other wiki were bold and great. He once clashed with the great autist Ryulong to try to deny the existence of the greatest Pokemon evar, Missingno!
Perhaps influenced by the almighty weeaboo, or drunk on power in a website where the community norm is being an abrasive male asshole (go figure), aMiB launched his own series of crusades on Wikipedia that included such innovative and important topics as edit warring about Animal Crossing, his opinions on webcomics, and a bunch of other shit no one cares about. This earned him a reputation amongst Wikipedos as a "bold, daring contributor." In fact, he made such a name for himself that a totally legit fanboy post a request for him to be promoted to bureaucrat! After getting blown the fuck out by some of Wikipedia's actual good contributors, a Man in Black was denied. Devastated that his only reward for volunteering to help Wikipedia was the satisfaction of trying to provide a free source of knowledge to the world, he became butthurt and ragequit Wikipedia after he learned that (surprise!) people don't like abusive manchildren.
Following his butthurt from being told he was too much of an asshole for Wikipedia (an achievement in its own right), aMiB ran straight towards the motherland of ego-centered pricks, Reddit, under the name "PopcornDotGif" (a meme on SRD). But, Reddit just didn't have enough... attention and circlejerking to offer him. After all, everyone there is your run-of-the-mill attention whore liberal, which made aMiB feel not quite super special. He supplemented this by joining the even moar elitist jerkasses at Something Awful, rather recently, meaning that he jumped onto the ship as it started sinking into irrelevance faster than a Realdoll™ under the ownership of a quicksand fetishist.
GamerGate provided aMiB with a golden opportunity to satisfy his craving for nerd blood by posting his inane ramblings to the amusement of some of the most easily impressed newfags ever to grace the internet, all to try to enrage the oldfags and make pointless drama. Unfortunately for him, he never ventured out proper into the chans, instead sticking to his roleplay groups where nobody would tell him what a dumbshit he is. It's a lot like that one kid in kindergarten that that thought shitting his pants was lulzy because the teachers got mad at him, but his friends at the short bus don't know any better so they just laughed too.
In similar fashion to his pal Ryulong (who admits to knowing him on Twitter), people started to ask "Who is this fag, and why does he spend all day trying to attack strangers over the internet?" Well, aMiB noticed, and used this to his advantage to make the most efficient attention whoring that he could, even going to far as to create an AMA on GamerGate circlejerk KotakuInAction. Wanting to not deal with such alien concepts as personal accountability or apologizing for shitty behavior, aMiB, in perhaps the most clever plan he's ever devised, denied everything and claimed that he's only aMiB on Twitter and Tumblr. Yet, his name, and an UNCROPPED version of his unique avatar appear here, here, here... Of course, maybe aMiB wouldn't need to try to hide his past if he didn't put his city of residence all over the internet. That's okay though, because according to BroTeamPill, aMiB made like a nigger in the 19th century and migrated to Canada.
Let's all make ourselves better than aMiB's readers for a moment. Let's actually think about what this all means. aMiB has been using the name outside of Twitter and Tumblr (Did we forget to mention that he has a Tumblr? Honestly, that's not surprising). aMiB is keen on hiding his past identities from the internet, even though being a Wikipedia vandal isn't really that incriminating (after all, his fans also praise Ryulong of all people!). Well, coincidentally, a Reddit account named a_man_in_black exists. What does it post? Well...
Now, we're not saying that aMiB started using meth in response to Wikipedia telling him to fuck off, but PopcornDotGif and a_man_in_black (of Reddit) do have periods of use that don't overlap too much, which is typically a sign of sockpuppetry.
During a meth binge, aMiB became associated with neoreactionaries, who accepted him with open arms.
aMiB set out to rectify his past of abuse, debauchery, and dickishness with even MOAR abuse, debauchery, and dickishness, this time bringing it into the bandwagon of GamerGate hate, all due to the fragile ego that comes with being a walking pile of cottage cheese.
—Typical aMiB post.
aMiB was, in the beginning, a copypasta of Sarah Butts, but with a little more edge. Both users would tweet in the same pattern of taking a remark out of context, adding a snarky comment to it claiming "GamerGate [believes/seriously thinks] [hyperbole of tweet in question]." However, aMiB realized that his ego was too big for 140 characters, and shifted towards writing Storifies. For those of us that aren't familiar with hipster websites, a Storify is a service that lets its users write whatever bullshit they want with the added credibility of quoting tweets. This differs from a blog in absolutely so many ways! With a Storify, you have all of the credibility and context of your average Tumblr post with the removed hassle of "layout customization," "comments section," or any of that other autistic crap.
Unsurprisingly, this means that your average TL;DR aMiB post is nothing more than two or so tweets taken out of context from a GamerGate supporter followed by 9999 characters of aMiB tricking literal retards into thinking he's academic by drawing metric fucktons of bullshit from two tweets and quoting himself over and over again. Just like Game Theory.
Fortitude (or Lack Of)
Last Thursday Social Justice Crybabies wanted to pull 2edgy4u game "Hatred" off of Steam Greenlight. What did the game do to deserve such outcry? Well, it... had you kill people. That's it. Just like thousands of other games out there, from Kirby to Grand Theft Auto you're allowed to
cause the forcible removal of data classes from a map kill innocent people. They literally want Sandy Hook to happen everywhere, or so aMiB would want you to think.
aMiB advocated for the censorship of the title. In the process, he revealed just how worthless and flimsy his opinions regarding censorship are by pulling a complete 180 when the moment was convenient for him.
He took this as an opportunity to do his usual task and spill his pseudo-intellectual opinions everywhere, falling for the illusion that people care about his oh so stable opinions. Needless to say, he failed. Hard. When discussing why Hatred "needs" to be censored, he cited CP. Yes, you read that right, he compared child abuse to the electronic equivalent of a crayon drawing of Barney the Dinosaur getting shot.
Another prime example of how well aMiB prepares for debate can be found in this gem in which a proud /cow/ poster decides to try to have a rational discussion. aMiB, being the predictable white knight faggot he is, tries to convince out poster that Zoe Quinn is anonymous, even though she inserts her fat face everywhere she can like a bad cellulose injection for free publicity and Patreon dollars. Worth noting is how submissive aMiB is the moment he's called out on his bullshit. It's almost as if he doesn't know what he's talking about, but would aMiB really just go on the internet and defend random strangers for the sake of being a nice guy?
Let's go back in time, shall we? Doodly doodly doop. Okay, we're in the past. The year is 2003. Sega is going to disappoint fans by not releasing Sonic Adventure 3, and Capcom is still milking Mega Man for all of his delicious robot semen. This time, they choose to continue with the X series, and, like every unwanted child from a mother on 16 and Pregnant, Mega Man X7 was born. Where would a shitty game be without some shady as fuck PR behind it?
Well, it turns out that one brave game journalist admitted to giving the game a brutal review even in the face of the free swag. Who was it? Well, you guessed it!
Interested? You can read the rest of the tweets here. This bullshit leaves us with four options for just what the fuck is going on:
- aMiB is lying out of his asshole which, being aMiB after all, isn't unbelievable.
- aMiB wants to direct GamerGate's focus away from game journalists and towards AAA, or else try to discredit the revolt so that their attacks on game journalists are unnoticed.
- aMiB is okay with them bribing him, he was just angry that they didn't bribe him enough.
- aMiB took the money, spent it on meth, then trash talked the game anyway.
Now, if you've been reading GamerGhazi for the last few months, congratulations on reading this article from anywhere other than a padded cell! You may have also noticed the typical sluts of GamerGate's target list using their 5 minutes of E-Fame to attention whore as much as they could. Well, who other than Zoe Quinn would stop taking Fat Girl Angle Shot photos for five damn minutes to grace Ghazi? Why, even aMiB had a question for her!
It didn't take long for all 8 of GamerGate's critical thinkers to start realizing that something was up about a man constantly trying to discredit a revolt against game journalists being a game journalist. Some of them would later jump the gun and try to claim that aMiB some swaggy lardass under the broad similarity of someone with the same name as said lardass writing a review criticizing a shit game. What these people forgot is that literally everyone thinks that Mega Man X7 was shit, so they need to get just a little bit narrower in their search other than literally everyone who isn't a fanboy for Axl's robo-shota cock.
This doesn't distract from the problem at hand, though. aMiB still needed to try to discredit GamerGate, but even more than that, he wasn't getting any attention after the booming controversy surrounding a certain "satire" website's article on a certain dogfucking pedophile (Let's not point the blame on anyone, now!). aMiB formed a mutual allegiance with Boing Boing, where he had made it into the real clickbait industry and already surpassing his partner in anti-GamerGate retardation. aMiB already had all of the credentials to write about his opinions. Well, okay, credentials isn't the right word. Experience writing his opinions. The only problem is that most people can't identify with an author named "a man in black" because of how small of a demographic 13 year old boys make. If aMiB used his previous pen name or his real name, eyes would turn and, just like with his Wikipedia drama, skeletons would be searched for. Thus, aMiB became "Jay Allen," "doxxing" himself by posting a name that could easily be faked. Being the careful faggot that he was, and not actually wanting to risk his personal identity being exposed so that the evil nasty GamerGate trolls could laugh at him (as if his Twitter profile wasn't enough), he never revealed anything else beyond what's so obviously his real name. So brave.
While shamelessly promoting his own articles on Boing Boing (just like he did with his Storify pages), he used this as an opportunity to parade around Twitter "HEY GAIZ LOOK AT ME, U WANT TO FIND ME, J ALLEN, BUT MY NAME, WICH IS J ALLEN, IZ RIGHT HERE!" Obviously anyone with more than 2 brain cells isn't going to fall for such a "clever" ruse without proof since this is, after all, the anecdote of a sociopath narcissist ex-Wikipedo (possible) methhead. This part of whole ordeal was made to entertain his fans, since aMiB isn't capable of finding each of them and wave a baby rattle in their faces.
Stance on Harassment (He's Pretty Chill with it)
aMiB is no stranger to online harassment. He tries desperately to blame GamerGate supporters as harassers of women, but is more than willing to turn a blind eye to the topic if someone he likes is doing the harassment, or even if he's the one doing it.
Felicia Day Doxxing
In a distant realm known as "reality", GamerGate is a group of autistic retards that screech until old media promises to stop being newfags. Even such a simple concept eludes crackpot SJWs like aMiB, who happily eat up anything that says GamerGate is a secret organization made by the Patriarchy States of America out to get all women because reasons. Attention whore Felicia Day, famous for being a living Girl Gamer stereotype, realized that nobody had stared at her tits for five minutes, and made some bait that said something along the lines of "gamers made me cross the street in fear." Due to her fear of people doing the unthinkable and *gasp* finding out the address of a celebrity, some "GamerGater" with the username "InternetAristocat" posted her dox.
But hark! How did the troll know what address was hers and not of her talent agency's contact information? Well, aMiB was quick to rectify this situation by posting a street code while insisting that it was her real address. This turned some eyes, if aMiB was against harassment of women, why was he saving the dox? aMiB realized what a colossal fuck up he made and would later on deny everything as usual.
We're not going to make any explicit claims about who initially doxed her, but it was someone who happened to know her address that knew that posting her dox would harm GamerGate, and wanted to get the point across that it was her dox. Again, not saying anything about who could have did it. Whoever did it is a man in black shadows of mystery.
Bro Team Pill
Not long after that in irl time, aMiB started stalking GamerGate supporters to draw as much attention to himself as possible and to "bloody his knuckles" (his words, not ours) by shitposting. This included libel, often claiming certain GamerGate supporters were harassers prior to GamerGate and getting away with it because of his army of retards. One day, aMiB bit off more than he could chew and claimed that BroTeamPill, famous for pissing of Muslims had a history of abusing
Muslims people. BroTeamPill told him pix or it didn't happen, and aMiB forgot the one magical key that makes claims 1000 times more hurtful, preparing evidence before making ramblings like a town drunk.
It turned out, however, that aMiB didn't really mean exactly what he said, and went to have a private chat with BroTeamPill to straighten things out. His hopes for the chat? Intimidation and whitewashing. Unfortunately, aMiB forgot that he wasn't writing his puny blog posts against a strawman opponen, and revealed a lot about his character and just how shortsighted the man without a brain thinks, and just how well he didn't care about harassment towards men. In the process, he revealed that he never read thezoepost (which didn't stop him from talking shit about it), but still believed Zoe Quinn and wanted to attack nerds like an angry little goblin. Full logs can be found here, but we've pulled out the lulzy quotes from it anyway to save both your time and your forehead from facepalm-induced bruises. You're welcome.
To this day, aMiB still has not gotten over the butthurt of getting pwned by BroTeamPill.
Your Game Needs Niggers
Not too long ago, aMiB leveled up his harassment after coming upon a startling revelation. He was wasting his life defending people that wanted nothing but diversity and realism in gaming. However, real life hates niggers so much that they can't outnumber the white man unless we're talking about the motherland. This left aMiB with a choice, to satisfy either the homosexual agenda or logic.
aMiB (unsurprisingly) chose the former, and began harassing Daniel Vávra for not satisfying the nigger quota in his game. Unfortunately for aMiB, Daniel Vávra was trying to make a realistic game about Medieval Europe. When was the last time you saw a nigger in Monty Python?
Daniel realized that he couldn't match wits with someone that wasn't doing anything but posting an irrelevant Wikipedia article and caved into aMiB's demands.
Clickbait for Hire: Boing Boing and theGuardian
—aMiB, making the understatement of the century
Under the ingenious pseudonym of "Jay Allen," aMiB turned his ego into profit by doing the exact same shit that he did on Wikipedia years ago: rant, rave, and pretend to be an expert in a subject all while offering insight so piss poor that even your average Fox News viewer would shake his articles off as retarded. aMiB hates Fox News, though, and if you disagree with him you're part of the same right wing conspiracy that it works for! Using his excellent writing skills, aMiB turned to one of the thousands of clickbait sites that happily accept any hack where the only job qualification is "ability to smash face against keyboard until words are formed": Boing Boing.
We should, however, give aMiB credit where credit is due, since unlike his dog-fucking ally in harassment he has such varied topics as pretending to be an expert in chans, "How crowdfunding helps haters profit from harassment," saying that everyone that disagrees with him is an idiot Republican, and pretending to be an expert in chans. It should be no surprise then that reading any of these articles will result in your brain turning into a pile of gray goo, but this experience isn't new to anyone that takes aMiB seriously. It's not atypical to find such common tactics as aMiB citing himself as a source, trailing off on completely unrelated topics in order to talk down to the newfags that read Boing Boing, or try to be hip young and edgy by inserting random Republicunt hate no matter the relevance...
—...Even if the reference doesn't make any sense. Does aMiB write for Family Guy?
At the time that our editors were brave enough to sacrifice a few brain cells by "researching" this shit, aMiB had written 4 articles. In case you feel brave enough to tackle the stupidity, you can find them as listed (don't worry though, they're archived so he won't get jew golds from it):
- If you believe that industry coalition is possible, then you are a conservative anti-progressive MRA conspiracy theorist, and you should be ashamed of yourself. The Patriarchy, though, is totally real and is actively working to oppress women.
- aMiB doesn't actually know that much about doxing, so he gives us a 4th-grade report on cyber safety. You know he's going off on a tangent when he devotes two paragraphs an obscure site like Encyclopedia Dramatica.
- Crowdfunding helps fund people I don't like.
- "They call themselves 'Anonymous'..." We'd tell aMiB to lurk more, but we wouldn't want to offend him with the big bad "consensus," now would we?
It's also not uncommon in these articles for aMiB to contradict himself. What makes him extra super special compared to your typical lolcow is how blatant he is about it; aMiB knows that his audience is so gullible and stupid that he can contradict himself mid-sentence and his readers will remain none-the-wiser. With that being said, to spare our readers an agonizing fate of wanting to take a hammer to the cranium, here's MOAR assorted retardation from the articles:
If you want more retardation, read the articles themselves at your own risk. Encyclopedia Dramatica takes no responsibility for any internet-related suicides as a result of reading them.
Seeing this wonderful writing, the Guardian realized that it wasn't getting enough clicks, therefore it must not be retarded enough. Therefore, aMiB must write for them! Unfortunately, it isn't as lulzy as his other works. He even advertised it, but alas, it was not enough to warrant a return entry because even the Guardian realized that it fucked up by giving this sociopath an outlet. As for the article itself, it's literally nothing but aMiB reviewing a game as if he were Jack Thompson, if Jack Thompson were a batshit insane sociopath rather than an old Republican (read it here without giving aMiB or tG jewgolds).
It's no coincidence that aMiB mentioned ED for seemingly no reason in one of his shitty articles. ED is after all guilty of the crimes of laughing at stupid people and documenting proof that aMiB's friends are criminals. Why, anything legal is fair game on ED. That means that even aMiB could have an article written about him, with all of those nasty words like "faggot" and "nigger" included! aMiB saw to it a favor to the internet everywhere by trying to shame ED.
However, some time later he decided that his hatred against us was so petty and stupid that even his mentally retarded followers would see right through it. He was mighty quick to abandon thread after realizing that he couldn't snark us without revealing some pretty ugly shit about his friends.
Of course, this means that his master plan all along was to...
Wait for it...
It's going to really surprise you...
WRITE MEAN THINGS ABOUT US!
We're shitting ourselves in fear, aMiB. After all, writing blog posts is the most dangerous weapon in your arsenal.
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|Featured article February 13 & 14, 2015|
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