Aaron Swartz

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Aaron Hillel Swartz was the co-author of the RSS feed, co-founder of le Reddit, co-author of the Creative Commons license and the founder of Internet activist group Demand Progress. In 2010, Aaron let his Jew instincts take over and tried to get a really good deal on online journal articles. After realizing that he done goofed and that his awesome rich white boy life was about to be replaced with the life of your average nigger, he decided to shoot for the stars that you see when you run out of oxygen.

Swartz was one of the many internet activists who believed that everything on the internet should be completely and totally free, and spent his time fighting against things like SOPA and masturbating to wikileaks. Like all people who become addicted to porn, Aaron eventually grew bored of just fapping to the thought of spreading stolen information and decided to try it out himself.


It ain't free to swipe through MIT[edit]

In late 2010, Aaron put his well-thought-out plan into action. His target was JSTOR, a not-for-profit organization that makes articles and journals from around the world available to students. Instead of accessing JSTOR through Harvard, where Swartz was allowed to be and had legal access to JSTOR, he instead decided to go full retard and do the dirty work through MIT's network. Over the course of a few weeks, he created fake guest accounts at MIT and used a program on his laptop to download so many articles at once that he effectively DoS'd some of JSTOR's servers, causing them to temporarily block part of MIT's IP range. It was at this point that MIT became aware of what was going on and tried to block him from their network.

Not to be denied his sexual fantasy, Swartz continued to download millions of articles while evading network b&s. Like Tiger Woods, he just couldn't get enough, and after a few months he decided to act like a 15-year-old Halo player and dual-wield his weapon of choice. With two laptops now downloading articles at ludicrous speed, some of JSTOR's servers actually crashed, and JSTOR temporarily blocked MIT's entire IP range.

At this point, anyone with half of a brain could see that his plan to make information more available had backfired, since he had single-handedly kept an entire university from accessing one of the country's largest databases. However, Aaron, being a liberal, ignored this; after all, he was fighting for the greater good and, more importantly, the ability to brag to Reddit about how much of a good person he was being.

Once the block was lifted, Aaron decided that the best course of action would be to download articles even faster. To accomplish this, he physically broke into a storage room and hooked up one of his laptops to a wall jack. This allowed MIT's IT department, which by this point was surely unbelievably buttfurious, to figure out the exact location of his laptop. Knowing that he would have to return to it to retrieve the data, MIT cops placed a camera inside of the room. When Swartz did return, he made sure to hold a bicycle helmet in front of his face to hide from the camera; unfortunately for everyone's favorite Redditor, he forgot to hide his face earlier when he had switched out some external HDDs.

Some time later, Aaron was spotted by MIT police. Like a wild nigger, he ran, but also like a wild nigger, he was caught shortly afterwards.


Federal Eye for the Queer Guy[edit]

Aaron was originally arrested for breaking and entering with the intent to commit a felony, AKA being a nigger. When he got to court, the judge realized that he was a white guy and decided to release him. US Attorny Carmen "Sandiego" Ortiz, having more life experience than the judge, knew that liberals are just as bad as niggers because they enable typical nigger behavior, and charged Swartz with a number of federal crimes. Swartz voluntarily turned himself in this time in an attempt to play the race card again. It didn't work, and Swartz was indicted by a grand jury on all counts.


Bid for the Golden iPod[edit]

At this point, our internet hero had two options. He could either:

  • Accept the generous plea deal of only six months in prison (max. sentence was 35 years + $1m in fines), or
  • Refuse the deal, in which case federal prosecutors would seek a punishment of seven years in the pokey.

Being a man of brilliant mind and stout resolve, Aaron promptly hanged himself. This sparked a giant shitstorm which was fueled by the collective anal pain of millions of Redditors. To this day, they will claim that evil Big Brother wanted to crucify this poor young man for simply trying to spread knowledge. Most will say that the federal government was trying to lock him away for 35 years just because he downloaded free articles that he legally had access to. Still others believe that the federal government deliberately targeted and harassed him because big corporations said to do it. A quick look at the facts will show that these claims are bullshit, but since when have liberals let facts get in their way?


Anonymous' Response[edit]

Inevitably, Anonymous responded in the only way they know how: by raising awareness for freedom of information, Internet transparency and prosecution reform DDoSing MIT.

MIT-Anonymous-Aaron-Swartz730x421.png


Westboro's Response[edit]

OpAngel Flyer.png

In a staggering display of doing exactly as expected, the WBC announced a picket of Swartz' funeral. Anonymous responded with Operation Angel (OpAngel), and called upon local Anons to form a human shield between the mourners and the WBC picketers. Westboro pussied out and pulled a no-show.

Documentary[edit]

Somebody actually made a documentary about this guy. LOL 4chan actually recommended people to watch this.

Notice the fedoras.

Conspiracy Theory[edit]

E-detectives began to research Swartz and his "suicide", resulting in the totally plausible scenario that Swartz was molested as a minor by influential people in the tech industry, as evidenced by a pedo-shielding blog post made by Swartz to his blog while still a minor and therefore still desirable to the MIT pedo-rings. After Swartz aged out of twink status, his former lovers began to reject him, causing only figurative butthurt (because they wanted none of his hairy manhole). Some argue that Swartz's plan to download all their CPs and expose them was what led to his assisted alleged suicide.

Related Articles[edit]

External Links[edit]


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