Abigail and Brittany Hensel
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The measureless internet has had its share of sensations and stars. Some of these people, places, and things have gone on to surpass the internet and cross over into the realm of reality, causing newscasters and ordinary citizens to stop what they are doing and utter “what the fuck?” out loud to nobody in particular. Yes, the likes of Mr. Hands--with his affection for horses, 1guy1jar--with his fondness for putting things in his ass, and the Craigslist killer--with his zest for killing; all of these internet personalities have made the crossover into mainstream culture in a big way. There is one persons, however who surpasses all of these minor leaguers. Her name is Abigail and Brittany Hensel and no, I don’t have nudes.
After various surgeries (including an amputation of a third arm) and several processes (spinal correction for chest expansion), Abigail and Brittany grew up pretty much as any normal child with two heads in Midwest America would.
How It Works
Both twins are ambidextrous and share in the duties when it comes to controlling what their body is doing. While this might seem to be an advantageous situation, one must consider the fact that Abigail and Brittany are teenage girls who cannot think straight enough to tie their shoes, let alone decide what is for lunch.
Common questions asked when an Abigail and Brittany thread shows up:
- If one has to poop, who feels it?
- What if one gets horny?
- Pics and/or Vids?
These questions, though they appear often and in great number, remain unanswered by the twins. Speculation into the matter has led to furious fapping sessions by thousands of teenage boys the world over.
—Some hippy on stinkzone.com
Abigail and Brittany share a unique physiology that renders most doctors and just about everybody else speechless when they see her for the first time. Most reactions are nervous at best and some are downright rude. While most conjoined twins do not survive long due to complications caused by their birth, Abigail and Brittany have survived to adulthood and display excellent motor skills. They even lettered on their high school volleyball team. To better understand these conditions, here is a list of the Hansel twins shared components:
- 2 heads. Brittany’s head is 15 degrees off center and points outward. Abigail’s head is 5 degrees off center laterally, giving Abigail the appearance of being in charge of the two.
- 2 completely separate spinal cords
- 2 spines with ribs bridging the two columns
- 2 arms (originally 3, but rudimentary central arm was surgically removed)
- 1 broad ribcage
- 2 breasts, so get that “Total Recall” fantasy out of your head, pervert.
- 2 highly fused sternums, traces of bridging ribs
- 4 lungs
- 1 diaphragm, but not THAT kind of diaphragm.
- 2 hearts, leading most researchers to believe that it is nearly impossible to kill this mythological monster.
- 2 stomachs
- 2 gallbladders
- 1 liver
- Y-shaped small intestine
- 1 large intestine with one colon
- 2 left kidneys, 1 right kidney
- 1 bladder, with three kidneys this has to be a pain in the ass.
- 1 set of reproductive organs, causing a collective “Aw shucks!” from millions of horny freaks.
- 1 slightly broad pelvis
- 2 legs
- 1 butthole. The twins flip a quarter to see who wipes.
In early 2009, the twins turned 18, becoming legal for porn in most states. Sadly, this has not been an option the twins have pursued, thinking college is more important than cashing in on the fact that they can do six guys at once.
Abigail and Brittany are now sophomores at Bethel University in Minnesota. Posts on the campus internet forum from several of the more "loner" type students indicate that they are being stalked. Nevertheless, it is reported that they have been experimenting with sex in their co-ed dormitory, Cumberland Hall.
The twins have also completed their driver’s education and are now both legal to drive. What this means is that there is a person with two distinct personalities driving around on the roads of America. This may not seem very dangerous or important at first considering the fact that there are literally millions of crackpots walking and driving around all the time in America, it is only until one realizes that this particular dual personality has to control different body parts to do it. for example: while both girls control the steering wheel, Brittany controls the radio and the lights…what happens when they get confused or if they fight over the songs playing on the car stereo?
—Abigail, disappointed in Brittany’s food choice, refers to her in the third person.
In the English language, most forms of writing include a persona that defines the writing. If a person were to be describing the events that happened to another person, the describer would be using the Grammatical Persona of “third person singular.” In Abigail and Brittany’s case, they often switch back and forth from first person singular to third person singular depending on their state of agreement or their current mood, often confusing whoever they are speaking or writing two. When dealing with them, it is best to just nod and smile…and try not to stare at their chest.
—Some dipshit expert.
—A curious /b/tard.
When any oddity is posted on any board, amid the cries of “post vids” and “anus plz kthnx” there is often an honest questioning of the sexuality of that particular oddity. In the Hensel twins, this speculation goes above and beyond what is a normal post due to the girls sharing one set of sexual parts. Often, they are asked openly (where they probably won’t answer) if they share horniness or if one gets hot, what does the other do. While they do share tactile function and while one personality controls that half of the body, what exactly does happen when such occurrences happen?
—Speculation on whether the Twins can share a lesbian relationship.
Quotes And Questions About The Twins
As with most other people with sicknesses, handicaps, or some mutation that makes them “different” to other human beings, the Hansel twins have their fair share of “OH GOD THEY ARE BEAUTIFUL” comments. They also garner a set of comments that are the extreme opposite of such sugary mush.
—Porn director Hellen Bedz.
—Ew, imagine the bedroom situation…
—A fine question.
—A question as old as time itself. (the surviving one will very quickly die of either of shock or organ failure)
—Some dude on neatorama.com
—From one of several thousand “discussions” on /b/.
—Another anonymous quote from /b/.
—These posts occur over and over.
—Oh the irony…
—A baseball fan.
—This is an excellent point, and coupled with the two heart thing…they are unstoppable!!!
How To Troll
There have been several thousand epic trolls using the Hensel twins as bait. One of the more popular ways to start an argument that will last for several hundred posts is to just say the words “Two headed girl” in any post relating to her. This is an old trolling technique that still may work, but now that the twins are older, there are several other, newer trolls to utilize:
- Mention anything that has to do with sexual function
- Wonder openly if they have a single soul. This works best on religious forums.
- Mention marriage in any form.
- Say any of the following quotes in a post:
- Two heads are better than one.
- I bet they give great head.
- You can do anything if you put your mind to it.
- The situation has come to a head.
- I can't get her/them out of my head.
- When it comes to being great people, the twins are at the head of the class.
It must also be noted that any time you refer to the twins as one entity, there will be an instant backlash and a wave of mind-bending rage headed your way.
- The Hensel twins' Myspace page They love getting email from boys!