|This page has potential but it needs a lot of work. It could benefit from moar facts on Ol' Honest Abe's faggotry, retardation and the lulzy assassination. Discuss edits that might add to the lulz on this article's talk page.|
Abraham Lincoln (February 12, 1809 – April 15, 1865) was a scheming, conniving racist who may or may not have turned over a new leaf before he was pwned.
Abe Lincoln, White Powa!
Although Honest Abe was a Republican, and the KKK were all Democrats, he had a lot in common with his white clad brethren.
—Abe Lincoln at his most eloquent
Abe Lincoln had lots of great plans for Black People. Besides not freeing them by dragging his feet on abolishing slavery, he also wanted to deport them to other countries such as South America, Africa, and even considered giving the British their very own free labour force.
This great plan - try to deport all the people you don't like to, say, MADAGASCAR, and if that doesn't work think of something else - was later recycled by this beloved political leader.
Lincoln was a man's man and didn't get along well with women. He shameless talked about sharing the same beds with many men. Historians C. A. Tripp concluded that he likely barebacked some other fag with assless chaps in his adolescence. Later he wrote a poem about gay marriage and in the future publication including said poem, the poem was deleted to try and put history into the closet to conceal Lincoln's flamboyant faggotry. In addition Lincoln's relationship with Joshua Fry Speed was described by biographer Carl Sandburg as having "a streak of lavender, and spots soft as May violets"; at that time "streak of lavender" meant feminine man.
Lincoln did have female romantic interests such as Ann Rutledge. Her death by malaria and typhoid deavistated him, for he considered her to be a pretty cool guy. Later he had a relationship with Mary Owens who he soon broke up with due to being a fat whore; afterwards he wrote a lulzy letter to a friend stating: "I knew she was oversize, but now she appeared a fair match for Falstaff." (Falstaff is a fat fuck in one of Shakespeare's fictional plays.) Lincoln later married Mary Todd and had 4 children after a year of being in a relationship. C. A. Tripp (apperntly also a psychohistorian) posits that Todd was a psychopath similar to the likes of Hitler and petty criminals; thusly, it is hard to blame Lincoln for spending such little time with the cunt.
Mental and medical condition
Lincoln was kicked in the head by a horse as a kid while saying some; when he woke up he finished his statement. His face was also unsymmetrical so he posed for photos to make him look better than he actually was.
Death of teh president
Sadly, Abraham Lincoln was assassinated on April 14, 1865. Actor John Wilkes Booth shot and killed Lincoln while he was watching a shitty play. James Holmes would later do the same thing, but he presumably forgot the president was not there. Booth also had a bunch of followers try to kill the next people in line to the throne as president. Unfortunately, they failed to make these additional bonus lulz. Booth chose a shitty little handgun on purpose so the president would die slowly and painfully. Then he jumped onto the stage and screamed "SIC SEMPER TYRANNIS!" and ran away like a pussy. Sadly, he was shot dead before he had a chance to defend himself in court. Sound familiar?
Lincoln's ghost photoshop
There have been various "occurrences" of Lincoln's ghost, but the one involving Lincoln's wife is the most hilarious.
After death his already nutty wife Mary Todd Lincoln became half insane and became a "spiritualist" in an attempted to recontact his dead rotting husband. She then went to spirit photographer William H. Mumler to get a supernatural photo. Mumler then 'shopped Abraham Lincoln into the background with his hand on her sholder for lulz. She was glad to think that she had reconnect with her lost husband, but that didn't stop her from continuing to be a paranoid narcissist.
Defending Abraham Lincoln
Naturally, any great leader has rough spots. We've all contemplated asserting the dominance of our own race over that of others before deporting them to the arse ends of the earth so we can build a glorious future. With this in mind, we should all consider that Abe Lincoln did some great things. Sure, he mostly took credit for things other people did and he opposed at the time, but that's what leadership is all about.
Abraham Lincoln was a vampire hunter who took pride in killing the fans of Twilight. Ever know what happened to Edward Cullen? NO? Thank you Abraham Lincoln for doing the world a favor.
Sadly Abraham Lincoln was murdered by Jack the Ripper for being caught masturbating to the soundtrack of Grease
Trolling Abe Lincoln Fans
- Incorrectly recite things that he said.
- Accurately recite the racist things that he said.
- Inform them that JFK had the greatest presidential assassination of all time.
That's pretty much it.