Adam L. Goldstein
|WTF?||Internet tough guy incurs the ire of SA, /b/ joins the cause and he gets a smackdown.|
|Timeline||July 3rd until (at least) July 21st|
|Location||New Jersey and Online|
|Key people||Goldstein himself and his disgruntled customer "decaf.tihs"|
|Moral of the Story||If you have a big mouth, keep it shut fool.|
|Website||Never mind, they are all obliterated from the face of the internet.|
Adam L. Goldstein✡, internet rape victim, Jew, and computer repair service con man, lives in New Jersey and feels that he can sue the internet for just about any minor butthurt he may encounter. During the early days of July 2009, he was having fun in his normal fashion; torturing his paying customers by “whoops” forgetting to send them the products that they had shelled money out for.
What Jew didn't quite figure on was that one dissatisfied customer might turn to Something Awful for closure and satisfaction.
The disgruntled customer in question, one "decaf.tihs", started a shitstorm that began at SA. When SA naturally failed to deliver, the shitstorm moved to 4chan's /b/ board where it developed into a hurricane of shit as well as penis-shaped tornadoes. There Goldstein became the popular rape-doll for the /b/tards over the course of an afternoon and long evening. At the time of this writing, it is not definitively known if Goldstein is buried under a wave of free internet condoms, UPS cardboard shipping boxes, free tampons, and gay strippers, but what is certainly known is that he has felt the wrath of the internet.
One of Goldstein's customers, a Something Awful goon by the name of decaf.tihs, became irked by Goldstein's behavior when a monitor he ordered failed to be delivered and no tracking number was provided by Adam’s company. This prompted decaf.tihs to try to get to the bottom of things. At first, his attempts were met with little or no response; information trickled back to the purchaser that somebody was on vacation. However, after two weeks of annoying waiting, PayPal complaints, and general butthurt, decaf.tihs finally met his limits and actually cussed in quite a tame manner at Adam L. Goldstein via an email notification concerning a refund.
—Adam L. Goldstein
Adam, feeling compromised and hurt that his con was ousted, turned to rage in an ploy devised to keep decaf.tihs from his money, his monitor, or both and threatened the purchaser through a series of emails with a LOLsuit because of his inflammatory language. He actually asked for a formal apology from decaf.tihs and told him that he would receive neither his monitor or his cash until this boon was granted. During this psychotic blizzard of email blathering, Goldstein managed to claim that he had three attorneys in his family and more firearms than the police department.
Decaf.tihs was cornered. He realized that there was no possible way he was going to get his stuff back from this loon unless he caved in to the internet megalomaniac in at least a half-assed way…and that is just what he did. Decaf.tihs offered up a lame apology to Adam and managed to finally get his money back. Normally, in the small business world, this sort of dissatisfaction and management anger occurs quite often, but because of Goldstein's outrageous posturing during his email tirade, decaf.tihs decided to share this humorous story with some of his pals at the Something Awful forums. It was at this time that the internet became aware of Adam L. Goldstein and the shit truly hit the fan.
Copypasta from /b/
Stolen from /b/
Evening gents' We at Something Awful require your assistance. While goondom and bee-ocity can accomplish much we have stumbled upon something so utterly delicious we couldn't keep it away from you raving lunatics. Here is the beginning, http://anonym.to/?http://forums.somethingawful.com/showthread.php?threadid=3173240&userid=0&perpage=40&pagenumber=1 The meat of the matter is that Adam L. Goldstein LLC who runs a crap company called ATECH computer services decided to be a king-sized douche. After poking and prodding we found that he is a raving lunatic! So, while we are under the reigns of our admins and thusly cannot do much beyond making fun of him on our forums.. we give you the information to do whatever with. http://anonym.to/?http://digg.com/comedy/The_Internet_versus_Adam_L_Goldstein Love ya lil brother!
Oh and he tried to sue Something Awful. That's right, he tried TO SUE
THE INTERNET Something Awful THE INTERNET.
4chan Becomes Involved
—From page 37 of that huge-ass Something Awful thread.
The thread that was posted on the SA forums started off slowly with the occasional bump or spurt that a normal thread of this nature might display. Lots of goons thought that Goldstein was quite an idiot and perhaps he should be taught a lesson about proper customer service. Several goons began to softly pester Goldstein's website and spam his email. This action prompted Goldstein to actually spend the ten dollars required by Something Awful to register an account on their forums and he began to give answers for his transgressions, using a somewhat conceited and arrogant tone. His replies were first met with chants of “troll” and “fake account” but the goons still kept up the play, as it was a boring Sunday afternoon. Soon, Goldstein’s high and mighty act angered some of the goons enough to take further steps in trolling this puffed-up idiot and to perhaps gain some lulz out of the whole deal while they were at it. Goons are named goons for a reason, they attack in force and in number, but Goldstein was a special case.
A bright SA lurker decided to copy and paste quite a bit of damning information concerning Goldstein and his actions on 4chan’s /b/ board and begged that the differences between the sites should be put on hold for a time so that the ridiculousness of Goldstein could be dealt with on a much more massive and damaging scale. The /b/tards agreed to help the goons troll and destroy the unaware and ignorant Goldstein on the basis of the immense lulz prospects looming like delicious caek. However, it did not escape the notice of /b/ that SA was essentially begging /b/ to get the actual work done that SA was too faggoty to do. The jewfaggery of SA mods, leadership, and white knights prevented the few hardworking goons from taking solid action. Soon, information was flying around like a shit tossing contest and it was discovered by the /b/tards that the culprit, Goldstein, was a Jew (as if the name wasn't a dead giveaway). This sent the 4chan community into what can only be described as a gory and blood-spattered tempest of wrath that has not been seen since Biblical times. The frenzy continued on from late afternoon and far into the night, peppered by posts from Goldstein on both SA and 4chan (supposedly) where he taunted various people and gave lame internet tough guy speech to any who would listen, still not fully knowing what he was getting himself into. One such witness to the bloodbath and carnage later described the whole scene as “repeatedly telling somebody not to poke a wasp’s nest with a stick, and then watching them get stung to fuck and back.”
Meanwhile, back over at the Something Awful forums, goons began to be banned in force by the legendary asshole mods for minor transgressions concerning the whole mess. Other *chan boards and related sites also received threads concerning the whole phenomena and soon pretty much the whole internet was out to crucify Goldstein like a tin-pot Jesus who sold snake-oil miracles to elderly retards.
Thus, "Operation: Two Jews with One Stone" was born. /b/ decided to strike back against the Jews of SA as well as Goldstein. The striking against SA might be indirect, because, if Rules 1 and 2 were followed, Goldstein would blame the trolling on SA and direct most of his wrath there.
What Happened Next
Now that 4chan, SA, and various other boards were involved, the might of Anon descended upon Adam like a ton of shitbricks falling from a skyscraper made of shit. They quickly found his site, breached a security hole, and shut it down. Next, they found his MySpace and took whatever they could from that site; pictures, quotes, and various quips that the moron had posted about how cool he was. Adam even found this page, which, like everybody else who finds a page about themselves on Encyclopedia Dramatica, caused him to rage-register and attempt to blank everything. Of course, we all know how that turns out...don't we?
During the melee, Something Awful goon Holy Calamity! decided to call Goldstein and the resulting taped telephone call was prime golden lulz. To relive this classic telephone conversation, please click here and enjoy yourself as Goldstein whines about how it is illegal for somebody to shit on his head.[[Part of what was said...]]
Goldstein: Hello-o? Holy Calamity: Hello, hey, you really got to stop arguing with the people on something awful, it's just... Goldstein: I don't have to do anything, sir, without a court order Holy Calamity: No, I'm not... No, I’m not saying you like need to, I'm saying it's coming off like really poorly and you're just looking really angry and belligerent and I think Goldstein: I really couldn't care what I look like to the people on that site, honestly, but one way or another their opinion means nothing to me Holy Calamity: No, I mean it's really high up on the Google thing so anyone like else who looks up Goldstein: Google will, Google will be, Google will be removing it for Google bombing anyway, they've admitted it Holy Calamity: Na, Google are not going to do anything, Google loves Something Awful, they're a great sponsor of ours Goldstein: I mean that’s, that’s, that’s fine, that's fine sir, when they're served with a lawsuit the site will be shut down. Could I also have your address please? Holy Calamity: SomethingAweful.com Goldstein: No, your physical address sir, you have my address on your website, Holy Calamity: I'm not going to give you my address, I'm not going to do anything with your address, why do you want my address if I'm not gonna, I'm not coming to find you or anything, I'm trying to give you advice because you're yelling at these people on this website for no reason. They're just making fun of you Goldstein: If you've done nothing wrong, you've got nothing to fear, now give me your address Holy Calamity: No, I'm just an observer, what do you mean I have nothing to fear? Like literally just looked this up five minutes ago and I'm saying you look horrible, you're coming off horribly, Goldstein: sir, Sir, These are a bunch of imbecilic children on these websites Holy Calamity: I KNOW THAT, and you're arguing with them. Do you know that arguing with them makes you look worse? Goldstein: But sir, my principle goal Holy Calamity: You're entertaining them Goldstein: They mentioned his law firm on the site; he is an expert at items such as this. He's an expert at this Holy Calamity: Any lawyer will tell you that you're looking like a retard yelling with a bunch of kids you're trying to sue, what lawyer... Goldstein: I'm not trying to sue, sir, we're actually going to, they sent me death threats, they'd kill my family and rape my mother. Does that sound appropriate? Holy Calamity: They have? That's horrible! I hope they don't do that. I don't think they'll really do that, these guys just really tend to sit in their basements, they probably Goldstein: But sir, I told them I dare them, I have more guns registered to my house than most police departments. I dare them. Holy Calamity: I mean they literally probably can't rape her, so you have nothing to worry about, I promise Goldstein: But half of them, half of them are in Alaska, albd (sic) the police have a tap on our phones Holy Calamity: I know Goldstein: And they're recording everything Holy Calamity: I know, they’re going to come get us, right? Goldstein: They are absolutely going to come get you sir, that is correct Holy Calamity: Oh noes! I don't want them to! What do I have to do to stop all of this? What, what do I do? Goldstein: Well you take it, the post comes down in the next thirty minutes, then that's it. Once my lawyer walks into his office in the morning, it's game on. Because I can tell you he feels the same now because his firm's name was put on this post. Holy Calamity: Well he did attach himself to your name and you’re making him look really bad Goldstein: And I'm making him look like an ass? I'm not the one who started the post sir, Holy Calamity: I know, but you're continuing it. Look at this, you've got, do you have like fifteen, twenty Goldstein: Let’s go through the cr, let’s go through the chronology of this, sir. Holy Calamity: O-K. Goldstein: Somebody ordered something from us on eBay, it didn't get shipped quick enough, we gave him his money back. Everybody's saying I withheld the refund, ask him. From the second he came and asked for the refund, he had his money back in six minutes. I told him I demanded an apology, even after the refund, and I still demanded an apology Holy Calamity: *pffft* Goldstein: I still demanded an apology. And I gave him his money one way or another, because I knew one way or another Holy Calamity: *pffft* Goldstein: that he was going to get his money back, paypal's not going to say 'he's been rude to you, you can keep his money, sir, I know that, I had no Holy Calamity: *cough* Goldstein: what I was trying to do is get the gentleman to appologise to my employee that he had offended. He came off to me instead of saying better thing 'sir, can you please tell me where this is' or 'might we please discuss this?', his first contact to me was, 'no fucking tracking number, you asshat?' That's the first contact Holy Calamity: That Wasn't his first contact, he tried calling, and you guys didn't answer him. Goldstein: We do - We do not accept phone calls for ebay, that is absolutly totally incorrect. my employee did absolutly the right thing. We don't. We say it's an online store. If you want full service, you pay full price. We give a discount so we have to minimize our expenses. Sir, if you had a business, you'd understand. You Can't give twenty-five dollar an hour service Holy Calamity: I don't have a business. I'm a consumer, and I'd be pissed off if I didn't get a tracking number. If I didn't get a tracking number two weeks later, I'd be like - 'Yo, give me my fuckin' money, where's my stuff?' - That's what I'd be like, as a consumer. Goldstein: You could've, you could've said refund my, you could've said refund- Holy Calamity: I could have, he could have but I'm not him, but he could have, but he didn't. He's a customer. So as a business owner, you should be cordial and say, 'you know what, I'm really sorry, let me fix that for you. Goldstein: But I, I gave him, I gave him, I said, I said 'appologise', then I refunded his money right after I told him Holy Calamity: Exactly, you shouldn't have told him to appologise, he's the customer. He can shit on your face and you can't do anything for it.
Since the beginning of the raid Adam has been trolled through the following methods:
1) Constant phone calls to his home, cell, and place of business
2) Black Fax copies that have successfully murdered his home and business fax ink.
3) His personal website has been shut down.
4) The Provider of his website has been shut down.
5) Misc. Porn mags are now being delivered to his home.
6) Has had dead animals thrown at his house (evidence: testimony by Adam on phone)
7) over 9000 Pornstars contacted to meet at his home.
8) Myspace account hacked/shut down.
9) Local pizza parlors delivering tomorrow morning and afternoon.
10) At least 25,000 UPS boxes shipped to his home and place of business for the next 4-12 weeks.
11) 2000 sq ft of maple hardwood samples sent to his home.
12) Condoms & Lube for the next 4 - 6 weeks.
13) Bibles, Korans, and Jehovas Witnesses scheduled to come by his office.
14) Various free samples/products/literature/brochures addressed to his home.
15) Gay Newsletters.
16) Constant harassment and billing charges due to excessive cell phone messages.
17) Streams of Islamic bibles and DVDs with conversion tips have been constantly shipped.
18) Male prostitutes have been sent.
19) Posters of H1N1 virus posted around his house.
20) Posters calling him a child molester have been posted around his house.
21) 2 sites down
22) Thousands of postcards and 24hr information hotline for his home phone.
You're Doing it Wrong
Later, claiming some sort of leadership over /b/, and also proclaiming that he was the force behind the whole mess (completely missing the point of Anonymous), some dipshit named "Beehive" jumped on #ED and started blathering on about how he was going to do "this" and how he was going to do "that" concerning this whole article. Yes, the original content of the Something Awful post was copied and pasted to /b/ by a person proclaiming himself to be "Beehive" while utilizing the same bee-bearded picture (instead of just using a name or tripcode like a normal fag), but he is nothing more than a minor cog in the grand scheme of this drama. When he was challenged, he turned out to be nothing more than a poo-flinging chimpanzee not worthy of Encyclopedia Dramatica, nor were his edits pertinent to anything as a whole or in part. This tiny snippet of his chat-log is only included here for the lulz, and also as a warning to other poo-flingers hoping to gain a glimmer of notoriety here on ED...NO FUCKING BEES.
Beehive: I'm shit at writing. Beehive: This was just a bad idea. Beehive: I just wanna put that picture of the dude covered in bees there. Beehive: Cause Beehive: damn Beehive: bees
Being an abnormally ugly and greedy Jew, Goldstein charges hyperinflated prices for services that most PC users can do themselves with instructions accessed through Google. Here are some of his services, and what he charges:
- Virus OR Spyware Removal - $199.00 - Includes removal of either viruses or Spyware from your computer. If your computer is infected with both, there will be an additional charge of $49.00. Operating System Updates are included at no extra change. On-going Virus/Spyware protection software NOT INCLUDED.
- Wireless Network Configuration - $149.00 - Includes setting up your wireless router/access point, configuring wireless security, and enabling file and print sharing on up to two computers. Additional computers are $49.00 each. Hardware/Software NOT INCLUDED.
- Software Installation - $99.00 - Includes installing software to one computer, testing, and applying updates if necessary. Additional computers are $49.00/each. Hardware/Software NOT INCLUDED.
Note that these are just some of the services that Adam offers from his one-bedroom apartment. He has several other services that are both idiotically simple yet insanely expensive, when his site comes back online in a few months, go and check out his absurd pricing and services here or just check out the archived version here. Clearly a jackass of all trades.
Adam L. Goldstein waited. The lights above him blinked and sparked out of the air. There were Anons in the base. He didn't see them, but had expected them for years. His warnings to his 3 lawyers were not listenend to and now it was too late. Far too late for now, anyway. Adam was a kike for fourteen years. When he was young he watched the sysadmins and he said to dad "I want to be a sysadmin daddy." Dad said "NO! YOU WILL BE KILLED BY ANONS" There was a time when he believed him. Then as he got oldered he stopped. But now in the apartment complex of New Jersey he knew there were anons. "This is your 3 lawyers" the radio crackered. "You must sue the anons!" So Adam gotted his account referrals and blew up the wall. "HE IS GOING TO SUE US" said the anons "I will shoot at him" said the raidfag and he fired the dox. Adam referred at him and tried to blew him up. But then the ceiling fell and they were trapped and not able to kill. "No, I must sue the anons" he shouted The radio said "No Adam, you are the anons" And then Adam was a LOLcow.
Hey criminals, My name is Adam, and I'm suing every single one of you. All of you are insignificant, immature children guilty of harassment who spend every second of their day ordering things on eBay. You are everything illegal in the world. Honestly, have any of you ever bought more guns than a police force? (I have.) I mean, I guess it's fun to get the occasional box in the mail, but you all are taking this to a whole new level AND I WILL NOT HAVE IT. This is even worse than the email decaf.tihs sent me. Don't be an anti-Semite please. Just hit me with your best shot - but shitting on my face, sir, would be a crime. I'm pretty much unstoppable. My IP is 126.96.36.199, and I've got over 9,000 businesses and 3 lawyers in the family. What skills do you have, other than "throwing dead animals at my house"? I also offer software installation for $300, and have a banging hot Fuhrer (He just took me to the showers; Shit was SO gas). You are all hackers on steroids who should just await my lawyers' subpoenas. Thanks for listening, and being defendants. Pic Related: It's me and my idol.
Now, this is a story all about how
My business got butt-fucked into the ground
And I'd like to take a minute
Just sit right there
I'll tell you how I became the bitch of the Internet.
In New Jersey, born and raised,
Stealin' money is how I spent most of my days,
Relaxin', Scammin', Chillin' all Jew,
Tryin' to think of some new ways to sue,
When an anon
Who was up to no good
Started wantin' refunds in my neighborhood,
I got a couple of emails, and I got scared
And I called my three lawyers as fast as I could.
I sent a few emails, telling them I'd sue
And the internet responded with a big "FUCK YOU"
If anything I can say I'd fucked up this time
But I thought 'Naw forget it' - 'I'm a tough guy, they'll see."
My website went down about ten minutes after
And I found dead animals, hangin' from my rafters
I looked at my life
I was finally done
I fought the Internet and the Internet won.
- Adam_L._Goldstein Raid @ Insurgency Wiki
- Adam_L._Goldstein Raid @ Partyvan Wiki
- SUE THE INTERNET!
Original Something Awful threadNo longer accessible for both the public and SA members, super duper platinum Lowtax Fan Club members included!
- Jewstein's business site
LOL 404 "UNDER CONSTRUCTION WHILE REBUILD OUR SITE"Bawwwww, back up.
- Jewstein's second business site
HAHA BANDWIDTH EXCEEDED, thanks to the fine gentlemen at ebaumsworld.Site up again and running!
- Jewstein's third business site. This one looks like Web 1.0.
- Contact him and submit his own info (or alternatively some AIDS) for great justice.
His MySpace account! Appears to be the real deal, but he hasn't been on since February.NOW BALEETED.
- Message left on decaf.tihs's voicemail
- Lulzy prank phonecall with enormous amounts of butthurt in which Adam admits to baiting Somethingawful/4chan members into doing illegal shit
- Screencap of first thread on /b/
- Linkedin profile
- DIGG FOR EPIC WIN.
- DIGG FOR GRÆT JUSTICE.
- LOLsuit meme generator.
- Reddit Check out Reddit to learn about Tracey Beagles, the NJ Quality Inn skank, and Jill, Goldstein's baby momma. Spoiler Alert: Tracey (Goldstein's piece on the side from GA) and her kids get thrown out of hotel thanks to Goldstein. Pure lulz.
- Facebook page
- 9,000 Lawyers
- Even Consumerist hates Goldstein.
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