SWEET HOME ALABAMA!
Alabama was accidentally created by a family of Europeans lost in the wilderness. Lacking better means of passing the time while awaiting rescue, they started a good ol' fashioned family orgy. Sadly, help never came. Centuries later, the region has become an amalgamation of brother-cousins continuing with tradition, and a surprisingly high number of upstanding black folk.
Alabama's predominant exports are family entertainment, mud, abortions, pigs and illiteracy. Much like the entirety of the south, excessive in-breeding has led to rampant retardation, the popularity of NASCAR, and ugly-ass bucktoothed bitches.
Getting to Know Alabamians
Alabamians, butthurt at being utterly ignored during the Civil War, have decided to show their mean parents just how angst-ridden they are, by achieving the lowest SAT scores and highest rate of teenage pregnancy in the nation.
Alabamians love moonshine enough to invent sports like Nascar and the mullet toss as reasons to throw back a brew. The common stereotype of Alabamian men beating their wives is utterly untrue, as spousal abuse is far too much work for the average Alabamian.
Another fun pasttime of Alabamians is hunting. Hunting is a sport where a fat, aging redneck will sit in terrible weather conditions for days on end with a gun just to feel the thrill of taking a life. Many feel this is a poor substitute for the old jigaboo hunt, now outlawed by Big Government.
Mulattos be forwarned: Racial impurity is heavily frowned upon in the great state of Alabama and with good reason, the black race when given a chance will always try to destroy the Nobel white race.
—Uncle-daddy Roger, reciting the Alabama State Motto
Also noted is that most Alabamians are members of the Alabama Crimson Tide cult. This cult is quite a dangerous group who will resort to eco-terrorism when backed into a corner. They are an ignorant and uncivilized group. The education system has degraded to a point where basic math is now of no relevance to them. They are commonly known to add more than really exists, as the case with national titles. They are entitled and pompous and through years of genetic experimentation with family members, most have been bred to throw common sense out the window.
- Whine about Big Gub'mint (While leechin' off da well fare)
- Bitch because your dis'bil'ty check hasn't arrived
- Pro Bass Shops and gun shops on every street corner - Sport and hunting supplies is like coffee is to Seattle.
- Using lead drinking apparatus (hence their slurred speech and below average IQ's)
- Recreational creation and use of crystal meth (Although not at the same rate as New Mexico.... yet.)
- Lynching Niggers
- If black, Killin' duh whyte man
—Upstanding Alabamian youth
The most famous Alabama governor was George Wallace who managed to pull the amazing feat of simultaneously trolling both Negros and the KKK by promising "segregation now, segregation tomorrow and segregation forever!" while also putting a whole bunch of blacks in government. Then he got shot and turned into a cripple. No other Alabama governor has been able to pull off this since, so most governors will stick to trolling either the jungle bunnies or the Klan, but not both. All Alabama governors and judges do enjoy to troll fags and lesbians as both white and black Alabamians agree that homos piss off the almighty God.
—George Wallace, realizing his mistake
Alabama's exports include the following Southern staples:
- Bacon fat
- Country music
- Crystal Meth
- High-quality, space-grade rockets and computer equipment
- Shrimp-It's the fruit of the sea, You can barbecue it, boil it, broil it, bake it, saute it. there's shrimp-kabobs, shrimp creole, shrimp gumbo. Pan fried, deep fried, stir-fried. There's pineapple shrimp, lemon shrimp, coconut shrimp, pepper shrimp, shrimp soup, shrimp stew, shrimp salad, shrimp and potatoes, shrimp burger, shrimp sandwich. that's about it.
- Truman Capote
- Courtney Cox
- Paul Fetch
- Forrest Gump
- Natalee Holloway - Also a state export
- Harper Lee
- Sammy Stephens
- Amy Bishop
- Hellen Keller
- Tim James
In order to pass through Alabama with your life intact, it is necessary to learn the language. While officially English, it will undoubtedly be unlike anything you have ever heard spoken.
Transcript of a conversation from two near-simian humanoids in Alabama:
Inbred #1: WHAR YEW FREM BOWAH?
Inbred #2: FIME FREM HALLAH BAMMAH BOWAH!
Inbred #1: (...) UH...WHAR YEW SAIT YEW FREM BOWAH?
Inbred #2: BOWAH HAIZE FREM HALLAH BAMMAH BOWAH!
Inbred #1: HAH SAIT WHAR DAH HEYAL YEW BE FREM BOWAH!
Inbred #2: HAH SAIT HAIZE FREM HEW HEW HEW HEW HEW! HUH HUH HUH HEW! HUH HUH HUH HEW! HUH HUH HUH HEW!
Inbred #1: WHULL WHAH DAH FUHK HAINT YEW SAIT SO BOWAH!
To speak the language, it is necessary to imagine yourself as a retard, but not just any retard. You need to imagine yourself as the mongoloid the other Aspies at the group-home beat up for sounding like a faggot. If you can master this, you will be half way to sounding like a real Alabamian.
Education in Alabama
Education is largely nonexistent in Alabama. Everything one needs to know can be found in the gospel and old episodes of Jerry Springer. College is frowned upon as many who leave out to school, never return home to fulfill the obligations to their sixteen children and sister-wife Bobby Lee.
It is very easy to troll Alabama.
- Put on black face.
- Yell LSU rules.
- Become a NASCAR- and beer-hating Black Mexican homosexual.
- Refuse to attend the lynching.
- Oppose the death penalty.
- Make fun of George Wallace or Roy Moore.
- Say that you're glad the South lost the war.
- Say you think gays should be allowed to get married.
- Say guns should be banned.
- Get an abortion.
- Wear a condom.
- Don't marry your sister.