AlanaJonze

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Does epilepsy make an allowance for mudkipz? Only time can tell.
One of Hoveround's livejournal userpics. This image allegedly caused Alana to pitch a fit.
Alana dressed up as Princess Lei-About from the Bacon Andromeda. This image allegedly caused one EDiot's dick to fall off.




AlanaJonze is a fat lesbian epileptic Livejournal nerd from Australia who has recently outgrown her hugbox.
A noble lion spots the hefty chunk of meat that is AlanaJonze's head.


Episode I: A Fatty Speaks Out[edit]

In a post to the melbournemaniac livejournal community, fledgling EDiot Hoveround used an animated gif of a montage of photos at high speed. Later that evening, he received an email:


From: Alana Jonze (alanajonze@gmail.com)
To: Hoveround
Cc:
Subject: melbourne LJ person. hi!

hey,

i have a couple of melbourne communities on my friends list, and i saw your post tonight about the screaming man ad.

i just wanted to let you know your icon made me seizure, it's a little too fast. would you be able to use a static or slower animated icon in the melbourne communities in the future? i respect whatever your decision is.

Alana's last vacation to Germany. They didn't have a stormtrooper helmet in her size :(.
and yes, that man is on those ads is fucking annoying.
absofuckinglutely.

thanks!
alana

Finding this incredibly funny, Hoveround added the following line to his profile page:

My userpics recently gave a fat chick a seizure. YA RLY.




"flu + bleeding + chemo = unhappy pirate syndrome for which i am the postergirl." CHEER UP, EMO PUDDING GIRL.

Episode II: Space Cunt Pitches A Fit. Figuratively.[edit]


Hoveround's next post to the community was several weeks later. After AlanaJonze checked his userinfo for some unknown reason, she commented as follows:

My userpics recently gave a fat chick a seizure. YA RLY.

hi! i'm the fat chick you gave a seizure to. really classy of you to leave this in your profile.
you're a wanker.
get a fucking life.


Hoveround, a keen follower of lulz, identified this as a golden opportunity to irltroll by remote control, by assisting Alana to french herself a second time. Aided by fellow EDiots, he spammed the thread with NiggerLoop.gif (see epilepsy warning on top), Hamtaro, and several dozen of the offending userpics.

As you read this, Alana is probably doing the Watusi across her living room carpet.


Dead stars still burn.

Implications for Astronomy[edit]

The immense gravity field generated by AlanaJonze's fat fucking head is responsible for the collapse of many large stars in our galaxy, as evidenced to the right.

AlanaJonze mistakes broken houseplant for immediate family member, is enveloped by grief[edit]

From her blog:

i woke up to suzi asking me

“so did you really like your new plant that much?”

no! i was just shitting her when i spent all that time admiring it and 
looking at it, the same way she did with her new kitten.

my new plant is dead, smashed to bits by another of suzi’s cats during 
the night.

and now, now i am crying because i really did love that plant, my own 
big plant, which is now smashed to bits and beyond repair. i have no 
plant again. i feel horrible. i feel not listened to.

suzi keeps saying she can fix it. but all i can think about is my 
smashed up lamp base that was broken 3 months ago, my heart was a 
bit broken from that too, but suzi won’t throw it out. she just leaves 
it on the floor, on the couch; broken china pointing everywhere.

i feel like a parent who didn’t keep an eye on their kids. i feel 
irresponsible. i feel frustrated. i feel heartbreak. i feel like 
if that plant had just stayed in that same spot that i had left it 
in when i welcomed it home, everything would be okay now.

so, plant. i loved you so so so much. i am sorry i am such a fucked 
up person that you only survived for 2 days under my care. i am so 
sorry and ashamed.

RIP, my friend. i loved you so much.

Alana creeps into roommates bedroom in middle of night, lies on her bed, roommate freaks out[edit]

3:00am
 
i am standing outside suzi’s bedroom with a bowl of 
milk and a spoon, ready for some cereal which i have 
in my room. but i am at suzi’s room, not mine. suzi 
just got a new kitten called monkey and i need to go 
and play with it because i cannot stop myself but it’s 
3am and suzi is fast asleep but i am wide awake and i 
peek in and the kitten looks right at me with it’s wide 
open eyes and starts it’s loud purring immediately. i 
lay down beside her and we played for about 25 minutes. 
until suzi said “go to bed alana. go to bed alana. 
go to bed alana! GO TO BED NOW!” and so i did and i 
ate some cereal.

Seriously , one cannot make this shit up.

Links[edit]

AlanaJonze
is part of a series on
Ausfailia
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Just another British fucking colony...

People

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