Aliens: Colonial Marines

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Aliens: Colonial Marines is a videogame by Gearbox, the development team responsible for shitting all over the perfection that should have been Duke Nukem Forever. The single-player portion was passed off to TimeGate Studios for development because Gearbox have no fucking idea how to tell a story.

Oh noes, ALIAMS![edit]

Colonial Marines takes the worst Alien film in the series and tries to make a canonical sequel to James Cameron's Aliens with Ridley Scott's “blessing and guidance”. The fact that Ridley Scott wrote and directed Prometheus should have tipped them off to what a shitty idea this was.

You know what else SEGA released? The Dreamcast.

The XBOX 360 leak[edit]

A few days before the game's official release, the Xbox 360 version was leaked but nobody bothered to download it. Perhaps if Gearbox had tried giving away copies of the game with a popular breakfast cereal they could have been forgiven.

Gameplay[edit]

Gameplay consists of running around in dimly lit corridors blasting the ALIAMS as they come out of “the goddamn walls!” Some stuff happens. More ALIAMS come out of “the goddamn ceiling!” Rinse, repeat until credits roll. The game can also be played in cooperative, and generally speaking a heavy emphasis on cooperative, as seen in Fear 3, Dead Space 3, & Borderlands is a strong indicator that a game is going to succ dikz.

Wimmins? In my Aliams?[edit]

Some fanbois were butthurt about the lack of wimmins in the footage and photoshopped screengrabs of Colonial Marines they were shown during development, and started a petition to change this. Since Gearbox are politically correct pansies with no spine this gross offence against humanity was rectified immediately.

This is how Gearbox view Womyn - as dangerous flying space vaginas.

Alien 3 had no female characters besides Ripley, and it was awesome.

DLC[edit]

Gearbox's games are like their children. Children they only spawned with the intention of exploiting them until they die a miserably wretched and unloved death.

The first DLC was called Bug Hunt, which only served to remind die hard fans of Alien & Alien 3 that "bugs" is only used as a term to describe the Xenomorphs as a result of James Cameron being a pathetic Starship Troopers fanboi butthurt over the fact he couldn't direct his very own 'Troopers movie.

See also[edit]

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