Allison Stokke (pronounced “stokey”) is a 20-year-old champion pole-vaulter (pronounced “reverse cowgirl”) from California. While pole-vaulting (tee-hee-hee) is a noble endeavor, Allison never achieved fame for partaking in this sport. She vaulted to stardom because she looks hotter than hell when she is all hookered up in her skin tight and slutty track meet Lycra outfits.
Fame and Pole Vaulting
—Well, at least he doesn’t have a fondness for minor-aged boys…
There is a magical world where everything under the sun works like a Rainbow Factory that supplies happy feelings and warm fuzzys to everybody. Nobody is scared, hungry, homeless, or sick. In this magical world, the internet is a beautiful place where no bad things happen and everybody is cherished and valued for who they are, not what they are.
Now that we have that dream out of our system, it is time to talk about the real world and what the real world means to its everyday users. The average internet user is a male between the ages of 14 and 36. That, in a nutshell, should drive home the point concerning what dominates the internet: hot females. There is no way around it, if you are female and you are on the internet, showing pictures of yourself, you are going to either get “Tits or GTFO” or “I Can’t Fap To This!” thrown in your face the second you post those pictures. That’s the way the outside world works as well. In old media sources like newspapers, tabloid television, and magazines, they aren't going to put a picture of a 220 pound fat hairy slob on the cover and expect to sell issues or gain viewers…unless that is the particular niche group.
Enter young Allison Stokke, who at the age of 17 captured the collective male genitalia of the internet by storm in 2007. She was young, she was pretty, she looked great in a set of tights, and she could pole vault like a demon…insert several witty “pole” “vaulting” jokes here, I think you can do a better job of it than I can. Like Sports Illustrated, the internet knows that you can't sell a product on sports alone, you need to post the hell out of hot chicks to get views. Allison fit the bill perfectly. Several pictures, of her at a high school track meet, were posted to the internet because, let’s face it, the pictures were hot. This didn’t seem to bother young Allison very much, she is probably quite proud of her body and proud of how she looks in Lycra. What Allison didn’t count on was the internet’s ability to smutify and sluttify just about everything it touches.
Within seconds of the original photos being shown, comments on message boards, sports sites, porn sites, and news organizations began to stream in. Most of them were the normal “wow, she looks great, I sure wish I could meet her” variety, but of course those posts were soon buried under an avalanche of “GODDAMN I WANT TO RAPE HER AND HER DOG WHILE THEY ARE BOTH ON FIRE AND EATING TAPIOCA PUDDING” type commentary. Allison was not pleased.
—Allison Stokke, speaking to her track coach.
—Some guy making a point on the Chicago Tribune website.
Due to her unwanted internet fame, Allison soon became a drama whore over the whole deal, wishing she had never been born…or better still, wishing she had been born with an ugly face or a set of out-of-balance tits to offset the oogling and drooling she was getting from internet baddies all over the world. When her internet fame was at its zenith, she considered hiring a media consultant to stem the tide of fame that was washing over her like a wave of malodorous piss that sticks even though you wash it off several times. After the photos spread, she began getting emails, telephone calls, comments on her MySpace, and probably a few marriage proposals as well. Some guy even snuck into one of her college track meets and in stalkerazzi style, took a three minute video of her just standing against a wall.
—Yep, pretty much, now take it to the bank and STFU.
But it is difficult for the internet to give much sympathy to a woman who is famous because she is smoking hot. For examples, see Lindsey Lohan, Paris Hilton, and any number of sluts who have rolled down the pike and are not famous for anything other than the fact that they have appeared on film dressed like a hooker. Pole-vaulting, while probably a rewarding pastime for youths who like track meets, is not something you can pay your bills with the rest of your life. Stop with the crying act about this unwanted fame, go do a few Maxim photo shoots, and you will be set up for life…never to pay a bill again, because all those dopes on the internet who made those lewd comments? They will support you.
—Some nerd who thinks Allison doesn’t deserve that guy, but should date nerds.
It is a well known fact that Californian girls prefer douchebags as potential boyfriends over normal people. Allison Stokke is no exception to this rule, as several photographs have surfaced over the last year showing that yes, she is in fact dating a douchebag. If you wish to date Allison, or a girl like Allison, you should probably look at this checklist:
- Gay-ass sunglasses?
- Unkempt bed head hairdo?
- Stupid facial expression?
- General attitude of vapid banality
Al Stokke In The Mix
—Al Stokke, father of Allison, talking about a female accused of molesting children.
It must be noted that Allison’s father, Al Stokke is a criminal defense attorney in Orange County, California. There, he helps the accused get their fair day in court. Some of the accused people he has defended:
- A police officer accused of ejaculating on motorists. Stokke argued that the woman brought it upon herself. Hey, wait a minute, didn’t your daughter “bring it on herself?”
- A group of gang rapists who forced themselves on an unconscious girl. During the trial, Al noted that she could not have suffered anguish or pain due to the fact that while being raped, she was passed out.
- A teacher who was accused of molesting underage children, just like how the internet molested his underage child by fapping to her pictures.
When the internet drama of his daughter’s pictures swept the internet, Al went to the Washington Post and cried to whoever would listen that people shouldn’t fap to his daughter’s pictures and they should also leave her social websites alone.
—Some white knight father who has caught somebody jacking off to pictures of his daughter.
Wikipedia, it its infinite wisdom has decided to delete any article that pertains to Allison Stokke, claiming that she is only an internet phenomena and thus, does not deserve a page. Encyclopedia Dramatica however, feels that she deserves a full write up including pictures and video because Encyclopedia Dramatica isn’t a smug pack of hypocritical bastards. Additionally, the fools over at Wikipedia are probably sick of getting Allison’s hotness rubbed in their faces.
On a side note, it must be pointed out that Wikipedia has a page on Kim Kardashian, a blood-suckling leech with absolutely no skills, talents or brains whatsoever. The fact that this dingbat, who is famous for being famous and nothing else, has her own page on that site only points out the major insincerity of Wikipedia in general.
Curiously, this article which deals with the Wiki-deletion has been deleted by AOL Sports. Could it be they are a fat bunch of ugly assholes as well?
Showdown With Yelena
—Somebody on ESPN’s forum who has a point.
During late 2008, there was some internet drama concerning Allison and her chances on making the Olympic team. While she did not make it, this led to many discussions about “Who was a better pole-vaulter: Allison Stokke or Yelena Isinbayeva?” Of course, nobody cares about pole-vaulting, so the discussions soon degenerated into “Who has a hotter ass…Allison Stokke or Yelena Isinbayeva? While that argument is still up for debate, as Yelena has an incredible ass despite the fact that in half of her pictures, her face looks like your dad's.
—Wow, you can hear the butthurt all over the world.
—What is the word for Russian fetish?
While a gallery for this girl is definitely needed for this article, it must also be noted that you have already fapped to this chick and that Google has approximately seventeen billion images of her. You can find those images here. Also, there galleries here, here, here, and here. Now, on with the Encyclopedia Dramatica gallery...
like being a slut with her slutty girlfriends.
- Attention Whore
- Internet celebrity
- Beating Off
- Serious Business
- Similar Cumpdumpster Number One
- Similar Cumpdumpster Number Two
- Spandex/Lycra Fetish
- Unwarranted Self-Importance
- Allison and her father give an interview about media attention…way to try to NOT get attention.
- Allison’s page at Chickipedia…In other news, who knew there was a site called Chickipedia? Be back later…
- Wikipedia keeps deleting articles written about Allison Stokke, citing that Wikipedia is not a tabloid…riiiiiiight.
- A fan site on MySpace.
- Will Allison Stokke be in the Olympics? I don’t know, but she’s cute though.
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