Allspark

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The largest Transformers fandom message board OTI, both in number of members and in actual size of members. The king of this board is quite fond of nubile underaged lesbians and Smirnoff beverages.
SMIRNOFF!

The Allspark's tagline is "We Are One", and the group is notorious for claiming that any use of this phrase, or of the term "Allspark" itself must be a reference to the board, despite the fact that both terms were already in use in the Transformers fiction well before the creation of the forum.

The Allspark, like many internet message boards, has crashed multiple times, resulting in the loss of many potential lulz, including the time Hooper_X got banned for hotlinking to Goatse. Every now and then, Kalidor will start a thread asking for the users to send him money. He's used several lies to meet this end, including 'I'm so poor, my electric's going to be shut off' and 'The server needs some new parts'. The money, however, usually goes to buy him porn site subscriptions, microwave burritos, and Smirnoff Ice. Also known for his creepy stalker behavior.

Every so often, Allspark regulars engage in photo threads where they show off their plug-ugly mugs to the rest of the fanbase. These are usually high in comedy content. Other notable Allspark users include Afterburner, who is an insane racist; Hooks, who was scared off the internet IRL by Afterburner's prankage; ItsWalky, who is a shitty over-opinionated webcomic author; and M "If I Only Had a Brain" Sipher, a useless troll who only knows how to insult people and who puts meandering pointless shit in quotes in his name every post he makes.

Rampant Fanboyism[edit]

All members of the Allspark are required to buy every Transformer toy made and to praise Hasbro 100%. Anyone who only offers 99% praise will be banned. Claiming love of the Japanese Takara version of a toy will get you outcast (despite the fact that Takara OWNS Transformers and Hasbro just has a license to sell them abroad). Takara can strip that license away at any time they feel). Blowing Aaron Archer at Botcon is also a requirement of all board members.

There is also a strong "cartoon sux, comix rool" mentality. People hate the Transformers cartoon and love the unreadable Marvel(and later crappy Dreamwave and pointless IDW) books. Everyone who bought the Marvel series in its original run- all 20 of them- are at the AllSpark. They like watching Megatron get overthrown every other page by random characters(he got replaced by RATBAT. That's one of the goddamn tape guys) and an emo wrist-slitting Optimus Prime who took his own life after winning a video game. Yes, people exist who think that shit is a good idea.

Mutiny![edit]

The Badly-Designed Allspark.net.

When the Allspark staff opted to move the community to a dedicated server, a group of banned fucktards convinced Ezboard president Vanchau Nguyen that they would operate the allspark on Ezboard themselves. In his pathetic attempt to milk bucketloads of cash from a popular online community, control of the ezop account was seized from Kalidor and handed over to these lusers. Most of the members promply said GTFO and started their own board of the same name, but with more smutty robot slashfic, and the ezboard, which was intended to have remained open as a community archive, was instead owned and the archives lost. This same small group of users, who remain banned at The Allspark to this day, foolishly cling to the notion they have any merit what-so-ever in regards to the Allspark community(as if it had any actual value to begin with...), simply because they were given something that was never theirs for the taking.

Liberals[edit]

All members of the Allspark are Bush hating terrorist supporting liberals. No surprise as all war supporters have been banned. As typical with liberals, the Allspark cries about free speech but does not like it when said free speech forces them to hear an opinion different from theirs. Kalidor, in his desire to see US Troops in Iraq slaughtered, banned the website URL link somehtingawful.com(even changing it in the swear filter) when SA was taking donations to buy body armor for a US troop platoon being sent to Iraq. They also have the infamous "Politics and Religion" board, hidden to non-members, though the name "Bush is evil, set Saddam Free" may be more appropriate. One of the more (in)famous liberal idiot posters has been Mike Miksch, a known Al-Qaeda sympathizer. The guy also used to write articles for IGN, so no wonder he's a flaming idiot with no grasp on reality. One of the mods is Dr. Fang, an open homosexual who expresses his interest in masturbating to any picture of a man he sees. The Allspark also loves the Wii... shit board loves shit game console.

Right Wing Fanatics[edit]

The few remaining Republican posters at the Allspark are every bit as stupid as their liberal counterparts. They often demonstrate their wish for the world to be forcably converted to Christianity or be nuked by a US Carrier Group. They continuously ignore logic and reason, which is probably how Bainreese was brought on staff. Most right-wing posters left the Allspark for more tolerant communities after the hypocracy of the Staff regarding user conduct became too much to bare, even for them. Without these lovably idiotic scoundrels, the Politics and Religion forum is now a hollow shell of it's former state; often serving only as a vessel for Wheelimus's "we all need to get along" rantings and Darkstream's "Everyone die, your breathing is annoying" posts. Few right-wing zealots post on the Allspark, but some continue to make their shit-eating braindead vaginal leavings felt throughout the community in any way they can as opposed to the shit-eating braindead vaginal leavings of those who remain, apparently. Those who follow middle-ground political views are also banned as only extremism is accepted.

Current Events[edit]

User discontent.
Kalidor's reaction.

The Allspark community is currently occupied by trolls and kidiot spammers that never get banned, despite the fact that they continuously break the ever-changing ruleset created by the Staff. Notable trolls are Darkstream, who insults anyone and anything he can for no reason and then declaring he "doesn't care", and Defunct, who was brought back on staff after initially being fired for being a total dick to everyone that didn't stroke his ego. Bainreese, a religious fanatic and known douchebag is also on the Staff. He constantly makes offensive statements in the Politics and Religion forum, but the staff appearently overlook this, along with the other trolls. Many of the more intelligent users have begun to leave for greener pastures.

See: The Exodus.

Further Reading:

The Announcement Thread for Defunct's Reinstatement

BONR Thread Predicting Defunct's Return To Staff 3 Weeks In Advance!

The Reaction Thread at BONR

See Also:

Wheelimus' Response To The May Bannings at BONR


Board Wars: A Threat Perceived[edit]

Kalidor, the paranoid ruler of the Allspark, will constantly blame others for his and his Lackeys' misadventures. Kal's favorite scapegoat is BONR. A small, tightly knit community of friends, BONR seeks peaceful coexistence with the Allspark. When something inexplicably stupid occurs on the Allspark (Such as the May "Mass Bannings" incident) There is often a discussion about it at BONR. Since the stupidity levels on the Allspark have increased exponentially, such has the level of related discussion at BONR. Steps have been taking there to ensure that the stupidity of Allspark does not spill over into BONR's lighthearted atmosphere. As always Kal believes that BONR is responsible for the repeated hackings of his board, the sullying of his perceived "good name", and the Holocaust.

Corvuschat is also a secondary haven of Allspark-haters, according to Kalidor. He believes that Corvuschat may be amassing an army of scriptkiddies to post his repeated attempts at seducing teenaged Canadian lesbians over IRC for all to see. He believes there may be a secret subforum dedicated to pointing out his and his staff's hypocrisy.

See:

Kalidor's MySpace Suicide at YTMND.com

YTMND.com Depiction of the May Banning Attempt

The Lackeys[edit]

Defunct's Idiot Fursona!
X-Warlock's Idiot Fursona!

Wheelimus is Kal's lackey. After originally leaving the Staff after Kal got pissed that people post at boards other than his own,Wheelimus decided that he couldn't live without his position and returned, without much fanfare. The silence about Wheelimus's return was kept because at the time there were still a few decent posters on the Allspark, and they would have openly questioned why their community was being run by a fucking hypocrite. He also runs an online store that no one shops at.

Until this event, X-Warlock was also a drama queen lackey who would leave and rejoin the staff at his leisure, until Kal realized that he didn't know how to keep the board from repeatedly being hacked. Defunct is also a lackey, although he seems to be a free agent with regards to his function; he may be a physical embodiment of the Staff's ego, since (despite the userbase's obvious objections) he was so quickly brought back onto the Staff. Defunct is definitely the most infuriating of all the Lackeys that make up the Staff, since he is free of the constantly shifting and "open to interpretation" ruleset that has trapped the community in a state of idiocy. Defunct's motto is "I'm always 100% right, even when I'm wrong". His claim to fame is his stupid robot avatar being featured in a Transformers comic- albeit as a dead robot(as if Defunct could be classified as a living being by any definition of the word!).

Other Lackeys include Quantumhawk (known for power tripping and being an unusually psychotic prick), D Buster Prime (Famous for hating sex, and believing that good sex only takes "...a few minutes". As if he's ever had sex), Mouth04 (Dickwad actor who thinks he's soon to be the biggest name since Marlon fucking Brando), CatGoddessBeast (Feminist homemaker known for constantly closing any thread if someone includes the word "jerk" or "homie") and Bainreese, a Christian soldier bent on quiet world domination.

Under Attack![edit]

The Allspark has fallen victim to multiple hackings and database failures due to administrative incompetence. While X-Warlock was often coaxed back with the promise of raw power and ego stroking, he has since vowed never to return to fix the Allspark's problems. Kal was eventually able to purchase new hardware for the boards, after spending most of the donated money on stupid plastic keys for a toyline that'll stop being made in a few months.

The Exodus[edit]

The Allspark's finest leave

After months of near-continuous board failures, spamming, trolling and utter stupidity being literally enforced by the Staff, the best and brightest of the Allspark's userbase has finally begun to leave for boards run by intelligent individuals. These places are small, but (like Kal's erection for POWER) growing. These splinter communities often have dedicated subforums for discussing the stupid shit they put up with at other boards, but due to the Allspark's size and stupidity, it and it's staff are often the topic of discussion. BonR, a board originally conceived after Kal ruined everybody's good time back in the day, has nearly banned discussion of the Allspark's stupidity, as it has become so rampant.

See also[edit]

External links[edit]

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