Amy Winehouse

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Amy, as she is now was before dying is now always has been.
And nothing of value was lost.


Amy "Wino" Crackhouse (née Amilée Chateau in Frenchese) is was (lol) a drug-addled, alcoholic Jewish attention whore wigger from England known less for her sultry jazz singing and moar for being a self-destructive drama queen of Pete Doherty proportions. When people saw her, they yelled "Who let this ugly piece of shit in here?". As tactfully pointed out by Scottish comedian Frankie Boyle, Amy looked like a RSPCA promo poster for neglected horses. They tried to make her go to rehab, but she said "no, no, no" and instead went to the bank with a load of cash up her butt from exploiting her own vulnerabilities. Musically, she was influenced entirely by black music, first 'borrowing' classic smoky jazz-club stylings for her first album and then stealing the Motown classics note-for-note on her second, and ripping of the Shangri Las "bad girl" persona.

Musical Career[edit]

To date, Whinehouse has released two CDs of her retarded warbling. The first, entitled "Frank" was released in 2003 and legend has it that if you play both albums backwards they sound very fucking similar. Someone had to call the wahhhhmbulance because her managers wanted her to go to a rehabilitation facility for being a drunken whore. Her reply? Not "no, no, no" this time, but she did write a repetitious song about it that everyone went batshit over. This single is proof, once again, that Jews are in charge of the record industry, and that they can make anything a hit.

Family Life[edit]

It's pretty clear who won this round
A healthy, active, 24-year old.

Luckily for this pro-ana trainwreck, she has a highly supportive network of family members. Stand-up citizens include:

The Husband[edit]

Honest and caring husband, Blake Fielder-Civil is currently enjoying the company of Bubba, in Prison, due to a failed attempt to intimidate witnesses, perverting the course of justice, and being a tough guy. After enjoying the attention of his fellow inmates for a few months many believe that any attraction Blake had for Amy will immediately vanish, only to be replaced by a powerful and primal urge for anal violation.

Apparently Blake's love of the folding is strong indeed, desperate to stay on the wino gravytrain he's asking for $6,000,000 in a divorce settlement. But then she died so NO. Though he might have had a case for spousal abuse:

I'll beat up Blake when I'm drunk. I don't think I have ever bruised him, but I do have my way. If he says one thing I don't like then I'll chin him.


—Amy Winehouse, on her husband

Her Father[edit]

Her father Mitch appears to crave the bright lights and endless attention of the celebrity life too! Aware that life might be tough for Amy he sought to have her committed to a safe environment. When faced with the charge that he may be at least partially responsible for her 'problems' he simply replies "No U" Sadly Mitch is neither a talented musician and is notable only because of the lolcow which he spawned. Even after his daughters death, he still continues to milk it. I bet Amy is rolling in her grave. (Moar like rolling a joint amirite?)

I want her sectioned. The situation is getting out of control. I want her off the street. I don't think being somewhere (in rehab) for six weeks is going to cure her problems. I think it needs far more radical measures.


—Mitch Winehouse, on his daughter

The Crazy Bitch and Her Issues[edit]

A visual recreation of what was inside of Winehouse's medicine cabinet

Here is a sample of things Ms. Winehouse has been accused of:


  • Oh, and Drugs
  • Oh, and she's dead.

Winehouse OTI[edit]


Perez Hilton[edit]

Famed internets faggot Perez Hilton has become completely and uncontrollably obsessed with this dumb alcoholic whore for no apparent reason. Despite the existence of much more famous crazy bitches he posts shit about Amy Winehouse constantly, giving her much more publicity than she deserves. WE ALREADY KNOW SHE'S A DUMB WHORE, WE DON'T HAVE TO BE TOLD EVERY 5 MINUTES.

Amy Winehouse Goes Straight[edit]

Recently it was revealed that Amy Winehouse had quit drugs and alcohol, and was no longer in trouble with the law. In fact, according to Wikipedia, Mrs. Winehouse has never had any substance abuse problems nor has she ever committed a crime. It was all apparently just a typical tabloid smear campaign and none of those things ever really happened.

She's an adult baby![edit]

The paparazzi get in position for the money shot, only to be cock blocked by a device used to control incontinence, normal everyday wear for toddlers, and, apparently, drug addled twenty-something women.

According to a completely accurate celebrity blog recently, Amy Winehouse had taken to wearing "nappies", an English term for diapers:

Prepare to fall in love with Amy Winehouse all over again, as a German newspaper is reporting today that she has now begun to wear a diaper whenever she leaves the house. It’s a hot image, yes? Just the idea of Amy Winehouse, drunk and high and slurring her already indecipherable accent. "Oh bugger, I've gone an' soiled my knickers I have."



Oh god, I can’t be the only one who is totally turned on right now. No, you aren't, you sick bastard.


Brought to you by a shitty Brazilian TV Show

Protip: If a nigger calls you 'crackhouse', you know something is wrong.

A fitting final performance.

Police taking out some trash from Ms. Winehouse's home.


Amy's last words.

Well, that was quick. On July 23rd, 2011, police removed a bag of drugs and needles from Miss Winehouse's home. They quickly passed it on to the coroner to perform the autopsy on it. This followed a month of drug-induced fail, including a performance in which she stumbled onto the stage, mumbled out a string of garbled and unintelligible lyrics, and where she "appeared removed from reality" throughout the entire performance. Her attendants, who were under instruction to remove all alcohol from her room, clearly failed. The performance was so bad and flew onto JewTube so quickly that she had no choice but to cancel her tour. These things happen when you don't want to go to rehab. This pathetic lifestyle will be a good lesson to all the little kiddies: If you are so weak willed that you fly off the rails every time you're even near being drunk or high, you will end up dead in a puddle of your own piss and vomit like this sad cunt. To honor her memory, the Left 4 Dead developers have made an infected in her honor. It's about as fucked up as her life style was. Amy became an heroine; her parents have been refused possession of her ashes in the future since they will be regarded as a class-A drug.

Apparently, her body was so fucked up that not even the medical examiner could tell what the fuck killed her following the autopsy. The toxicology reports themselves were so bad that the scientists performing the tests had to wear full Hazmat suits, due to the fact that blood taken from Amy's body was so addled with drugs that the fumes alone made the coroner trip balls. Long story short, the amount of drugs in her system would have been enough to make all of 420chan start having raves in the middle of the fucking street.

Her last known words typed on the net were "oinka oikna oinka why you awake" pure poetic genius hours before death.

"Amy Winehouse was set to start work on her new album this weekend...

Sadly though she only managed a few lines."


Amy Winehouse About missing Pics
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See Also[edit]

A brief list of other train-wreck celebrities for your enjoyment:

External Links[edit]

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Featured article July 23 & July 24, 2011
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