Anders Behring Breivik
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|Born||February 13, 1979|
|High score|| Killed |
|Style|| Utøya: FPS Survival|
|An Hero?||No (pussied out)|
|Official Title||Grand Master Justiciar, Commander of the Knights Templar|
The honorable Justiciar Knight Sir Fjotolf Hansen卐 (born Anders Behring Breivik, a.k.a. IRL Jason Voorhees) is a Norwegian social commentator, raging Christfag-turned-Nazi, Zionist troll, and a pretty cool guy who became a national hero on 22 July 2011 when he committed the 2011 Norway Attacks and set a new world record highscore. In his highly successful remake of Friday the 13th Part 2, Sir Fjotolf slaughtered a bunch of communist faggots engaged in an orgy on a small island, plus bombed the Prime Minister's office. Being a kike-loving knight who only killed Aryan cultural Marxists (named Mohammed), Sir Fjotolf is widely believed to have initiated the first double-reverse lollercaust. The leading irony of his crusade against socialism is that the 'punishment' for his crimes will be no more than spending the next twenty years in a state resort, thanks to Norway's leftard soft-on-crime attitude. Ultra-mega-hyper trolling achieved.
Breivik's act of lulz broke previous high scores and garnered widespread support for its ingenuity and homage to horror film classics. Attaining a L-L-L-Ludicrous kill, the game judges confirmed a total tally of 8 kills for the Bomberman mode and 69 kills for the FPS Camper Survival mode, thus putting Sir Fjotolf well ahead of Cho the Blazn Azn's all time high score and returning the pride to Europe after four years of Korean-American supremacy.
While he didn't pussy out and an hero, he did pussy out by surrendering instead of building a MacGuyver-style helicopter and airlifting out. Hell, it took the police two hours to show up and MacGuyver is only an hour long. Current theories suggest that getting caught was all part of his plan so that all may know his name and properly credit him for this political masterpiece.
In trial, Breivik stated that Wikipedia was the greatest inspiration for his attack, proving for once that Wikipedia is beneficial to society. Breivik also changed his legal name to Fjotolf Hansen in order to trap several Muslim predators trying to molest underage girls.
- 1 Humble beginnings
- 2 An sign of things to come?
- 3 Plan of attack: How does I shot 69 campers?
- 4 Graded Score
- 5 Sø Cåsh!
- 6 His manifesto
- 7 The Spa years
- 8 Dox
- 9 Fjotolf goes to University
- 10 Tie-in Media
- 11 2018 Movie
- 12 Generated Lulz
- 13 The irony of it all
- 14 Commemoration ceremony disrupted by infamous blogger
- 15 See also
- 16 External links
In the years prior to his blaze of glory, Fjotolf tried repeatedly to become a successful businesswoman. After running several shady companies into the ground, he instead decided to move into his mother's basement, where he would spend his days playing World of Warcraft and Call of Duty, while planning his bloody revenge on the filthy Muslims and Communists who were clearly to blame for his utter lack of success. On WoW, he was one of the top players in Europe and directed guilds that achieved the first raid kills on respective servers. The stunning reveal of his characters caused his guildmates to go into shock knowing that their comrade was the deadliest mass shooter in modern history. For his astonishing PvP skills, Fjotolf was rewarded the title "Justicar Andersnordic", not only in WoW, but in Real Life!
But unlike other reclusive, smelly weirdos with failed dreams of greatness, Mr. Breivik could indeed both talk the talk and walk the walk, and after 8 years of planning and scheming, he was finally ready to immortalize himself.
An sign of things to come?
Anonymous post found on deeply racist site "Niggermania" (tale #175). The Norwegian writer describes himself as a 19-year-old student and his post dates from approximately 1998-1999. Brevik was was born in 1979 and attended Oslo Commerce School between 1995 and 98. The anonymous Norwegian says: "My homeland is turning into a sewer. [...] among people born in Oslo after 1993, there is over 60 % immigrants. This is caused by the fact that our white birth rate is decreasing, while the opposite happens to the spawn rate of the immigrants."
The author then recounts the following incident:
Plan of attack: How does I shot 69 campers?
Sir Fjotolf initiated his quest for the high score by detonating a fertilizer bomb in downtown Oslo. He then dressed up as a policeman and went behind enemy lines like a spy. Pretending to secure the area following the explosion, he escaped and travelled to Utopya Island where the Viking commies hold their annual bacchanalia. The happy campers believed he was a policeman coming to save them from further explosions. Smiling genially, he invited his victims to gather round before unloading on them with his Ruger Mini-14 rifle and Glock 34 pistol in the first-ever live reenactment of Friday the 13th.
His battle plan (3 years in the making!) was masterful, demonstrating the strategic acumen and tactical know-how of a latter-day Napoleon. He selected a remote island battlefield which both delayed reinforcements and prevented the retreat of the enemy socialists who were asking for it. He then created a diversion, donned camouflage, and finally, with surprise on his side, he struck.
The attack was an all-out success. With help arriving in a timely fashion (90 minutes later), Sir Fjotolf took his sweet time, hike around, search every tent, climb every hill, snipe every swimmer, chase the enemy looney tunes-style up and down every path, and double tap anyone lying on the ground to be extra sure—which came in handy since a lot of them pretended to be dead. The 600 category A and B traitors on the island were completely helpless in the face of our hero's skull-shattering onslaught.
|Kill count:||77/20 (57 Extra kills)|
|Accuracy:||20/20 More dead commies is never a bad thing|
|Style:||20/20 Diversion with bomb, followed by island shooting.|
|Butthurt:||20/20 Pure BAWWING from leftfags all over the world, more attacks carried out in his name|
|Bonus:||77/20 Reduced Prison Sentence, NUMBER 1!!!!1! on Single Player|
|Total Score: 214/100 (S++)|
See full ranking
- Special forces arrive at the Oslo explosion site.
- Campers call the police and all they get is a 'shut the fuck up and clear the lines'.
- After at least 100 calls the local police realize something's up, but wait 8 minutes to finish their coffee and donuts.
- Special forces are dispatched to the island. They choose to drive.
- Smokey the Bear abandons the campers.
- 30 minutes later they arrive at the lake shore.
- They jump into the toy boat that had been prepared for them in advance, which shuts down half way across the water.
- An hour and a half after the first shots were fired they get to the island and find Fjotolf bored and waiting for them.
My name is Fjotolf, and I hate every single one of you. All of you are multicultural Muslim socialists who spend every second of your day defiling the European master race. You are everything bad in Europe. Honestly, have any of you ever killed any category A traitors? I mean, I guess it’s fun mixing with Muslims because of your own insecurities, but you all take this to a whole new level. This is even worse than not being blond.
Don’t be a stranger. Just hit me with your best shot. I’m pretty much perfect. I am a body builder, a Justiciar Knight and a 5th level Freemason. What revolutionary action did you take, other than “posting on an image board”? I also have a full epic resto druid and a filthy Muslim socialist (I've just killed her; Shit was SO cash). You are all category Z multicultural candy-asses who should just kill yourselves. Thanks for listening.
Pic Related: It’s me and my socialist victim.
|Read it here! (He plagiarized parts of it from the Unabomber)|
Breivik's plan includes a two decade seclusion into a luxury resort on an island among the fjords. There he'll be able to practice potato agriculture, maybe write the second part to his manifesto and fight Cultural Marxism in the library while sipping a Cappuccino courtesy of every grateful Norwegian taxpayer.
URGENT UPDATE: Fjotolf Hansen is currently being subjected to psychological torture by being denied basic staples like hand moisturizer and has described the facility he's held in as a "Four Star Hellhole". To protest, write a letter to Halden Kriminalomsorg and tell them that unless they start respecting Breivik's constitutional rights, you will go batshit at the next Labour Party convention. If you are a man of conviction, skip that and just go batshit at the next Labour Party convention.
URGENT UPDATE #2: Being the champion of unconditional shamelessness that he is, Breivik brought the state of Norway to court over human rights breaches, such as putting him in a fully customized three-room cell complete with the newest entertainment systems, training equipment, communication with the outside world through letters, and a a dozen staff directly employed because of his imprisonment, and even free education at Oslo University. He also claims that his rights are breached because he's not allowed to meet and mingle with the other prison mates, (one of which said he will kill Fjotolf if he ever gets the chance) and much more. The court was set on the 15th of March 2016, and will last several weeks and add another 50 -or so million Norwegian oil-dollars to the taxpayer's bill. He entered the trials in his typical style making half of Norway super butthurt by doing the old but never out of season nazi salute. He is expected to deliver more lulz as the trials move on.
20 April 2016: Sir Fjotolf wins human rights case against Norway, proving that he is being treated with undue harshness. Lulz delivered as promised because Sir Fjotolf's costs of around $35,000 were awarded against the Norwegian government. A few days later, understandably pissed, Norway said 'No Way!' and appealed the judgement, which Sir Fjotolf's lawyers will be doubly incentivised to fight against because if the Government wins then they won't be getting paid.
Name: Sir Fjotolf Hansen
Address: Hoffsveien 18
Phones: +47 900 87 334 / +47 22 44 78 53
Scratch the above.
It is unconstitutional for them vikings to keep their inmates incommunicado. Send the knight your thanks to Halden Prison, Norway
Main Address: KRIMINALOMSORGEN HALDEN FENGSEL POSTBOKS 694 4305 SANDNES
Office Address: KRIMINALOMSORGEN HALDEN FENGSEL Justisveien 10 1789 BERG I ØSTFOLD
Address to contact inmates like Sir Fjotolf, the justiciar: KRIMINALOMSORGEN HALDEN FENGSEL Pb. 1094 1787 BERG I ØSTFOLD
Telefon: +47 69 21 46 00
Besøkstelefon: +47 69 21 46 51
(be sure to specify it is against their inmates human rights not to allow them communication with the outside world.) Indeed it is. Fjotolf hasn't been held incommunicado at least since the trial ended. Feel free to send a letter of admiration and/or your slightly used underpants (white girls only).
Fjotolf goes to University
Breivik has managed to get himself enrolled into Oslo University to learn some Political science bullshit, being the academic that he is. The true lulz is learning that some of the students that will also attend, had friends/family killed at the attack. He will have to learn "democracy, human rights and the protection of minorities", going against everything that he has sacrificed 21+ years for.
The music accompanying the propaganda video which Breivik uploaded to video sharing sites including YouTube at the same time that he published his manifesto, comes from the Age of Conan: Hyborian Adventures soundtrack. Breivik writes of Bøksle's voice that it is the perfect sound to listen to when one commits acts of martyrdom. During his trial he also testified that he uses this music, particularly the song "Ere the World Crumbles" when he meditates, as he did in preparation for his attacks. The movie, on the other hand, is terrible.
In early 2018, the world renowned movie company Nordisk Film released the movie Utøya: July 22, in an attempt to further garner sympathy for the liberal scum that was rightfully purged from God's Green Earth by Hansen, the just. The movie made a pitiful $3.6 million in the box office, mainly from Germany because Germans have a guilt complex about something bad that supposedly happened in their history, as well as the fact that in Germany you go to prison for pirating movies.
The irony of it all
The death of Amy Winehouse probably won't get any attention at all. This man has done us a favor. Sadly, she got way more hits and much more BAWWWWWing than Norway over her tragic death. On the bright side, she's dead now.
Commemoration ceremony disrupted by infamous blogger
A commemoration ceremony in Liverpool was disrupted by the infamous blogger Erik Ribsskog. Erik (41) is reported to have shouted several times, "followed by mafia, don't get rights." He also held up a poster with the text "Followed by mafia. Don't get rights. Protest."
- High score
- Omar Mateen - Killed nearly 50 fags, about 5 years after Breivik's NBK.
- Dmitry Vinogradov - Inspired to follow Breivik's lead.
- Virginia Tech
- Charles Whitman
- Mark Essex
- Ali Sina
- Dragon Age II - Also features a charming, blonde mass murderer called Fjotolf.
- Ali David Sonboly - Took it upon himself to rid the Fatherland of towelheads, including himself.
- Alexandre Bissonnette - Canadian Hero/Mosque shooter with a piss-poor kill rate.
- Brenton Tarrant - Breivik 2019 Edition. Now with more memes, butthurt, and lulz!
- Timothy McVeigh - His American counterpart, with more emphasis on the bomb.
- Screenshots of his (now baleeted) facebook account (Archived: )
- Victim account of the events
- His manifesto
- http link to his manifesto
- The video he uploaded to Youtube before the shooting
- The victims Amongst them were many filthy hippies & emokids, doubling the win.
- New Formula 1 racing-team announced.
- An exhibition dedicate to our lord and savior
|Anders Behring Breivik is part of a series on National Socialists|
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Fembusters/Leslie Jones' Twitter Meltdown
Do the math yourself: 9 - 2 = 7, 11 * 2 = 22. 9/11 times 2 = 7/22.
—Varg Vikernes (in denial that a fellow Nordic could be so competent)