Animal Liberation Front
The Animal Liberation Front is an organization of sadistic eco-terrorists and furries that use propaganda and Weapons of Mass Destruction to save the cute wittle squirrels. They also have what is considered the dumbest acronym for any terrorist group to date, and they are generally regarded to be the epitome of failure in the world of fringe organizations.
Every single member of A.L.F is batshit insane, an extreme leftard that would put the most iron-fisted Feminazi to shame, and without exception, a zoophile. The vast majority of them are also malnourished fugly Basement-dwellers who's continuous mollycoddled, sheltered existence and general ignorance of the the real world has allowed them to think up ridiculous notions such as "animal rights".
A.L.F. is widely known to be a branch of PETA, who supports and directly funds it.
The A.L.F. have been known to attack, torture, and murder humans for the cause of saving animals. They have also bulldozed petting zoos, burned down animal testing labs, suicide-bombed meat packing plants, and drenched fur clothing stores in the blood of human infants.
Not to be confused with Fursecution.
Animal rights are the imaginary creation of furries who seek acceptance in a world where nobody accepts anything, especially people dressed in animal costumes.
Do animals have rights?
If animals wanted to have rights they would do what women did and protest. There is no protesting from the animals, thus they do not want rights. Another commonly overlooked fact in history is that some animals did indeed get their rights. These rights are things such as the right to vote, the right to sit in the front of a bus, and the infamous right to drink from the same water fountain as white people. Another overlooked fact is that people are animals too. So, the animals have had more and more rights. Many Peta activitists strive to give real animals (like germs) more rights, like to not be eaten and to vote. These are a mere ramblings of legally retarded hippies.
As one might expect, trolling A.L.F. and their satellite cells is relatively easy, if one can find them which is rare because they has teh black ski masks. Look for forum debates on fur farming, seal hunting, Alaskan wolf hunts and anything to do with PETA. An A.L.F. agent or sympathizer is sure to rear its ugly head.
Be sure to note that the cuter the animal at stake is, the more they will argue in its defense. They will rail against the horrors of farming cute-but notoriously vicious-minks for their skins, but wont lift a finger when the same thing happens to alligators.
Also be sure to talk about any animals in gender-neutral terms, and make a point of defining them as non-sentient, and therefore nothing more than inanimate objects. Also, talk about how many pets you own just to piss them off. Mentioning fighting beta fish, training hunting dogs, and raising mice to feed to a snake are all sure to hit a nerve.
- Place carcass, belly up, on a slope if available. You can use rocks or brush to support it.
- Remove genitals or udder.
- Remove musk glands to avoid tainting meat.
- Split hide from tail to throat. Make the cut shallow so that you do not pierce the stomach.
- Insert your knife under the skin, taking care not to cut into the body cavity. Peel the hide back several inches on each side to keep hair out of the meat.
- Open the chest cavity by splitting the sternum. You can do this by cutting to one side of the sternum where the ribs join.
- Reach inside and cut the windpipe and gullet as close to the base of the skull as possible.
- With the forward end of the intestinal tract free, work your way to the rear lifting out internal organs and intestines. Cut only where necessary to free them.
- Carefully cut the bladder away from the carcass so that you do not puncture the bladder (urine can contaminate meat). Pinch the urethra tightly and cut it beyond the point you are pinching.
- Remove the bladder.
- From the outside of the carcass, cut a circle around the anus.
- Pull the anus into the body cavity and out of the carcass.
- Lift or roll the carcass to drain all blood. Note: Try to save as much blood as you can as it is a vital source of food and salt. Boil the blood.
- Remove the hide, and make cuts along the inside of the legs to just above the hoof or paw. Peel the skin back, using your knife in a slicing motion to cut the membrane between the skin and meat. Continue this until the entire skin is removed.
- Most of the entrails are usable. The heart, liver, and kidneys are edible. Cut open the heart and remove the blood from its chambers. Slice the kidneys and if enough water is available, soak or rinse them. In all animals except those of the deer family, the gall bladder (a small, dark-colored, clear-textured sac) is attached to the liver.
- Sometimes, the sac looks like a blister on the liver. To remove the sac, hold the top portion of it and cut the liver around and behind the sac. If the gall bladder breaks and gall gets on the meat, wash it off immediately so the meat will not become tainted. Dispose of the gall.
- Clean blood splattered on the meat will glaze over and help preserve the meat for a short time. However, if an animal is not bled properly, the blood will settle in the lowest part of its body and will spoil in a short time. Cut out any meat that becomes contaminated.
- When temperatures are below 40 degrees, you can leave meat hanging for several days without danger of spoilage. If maggots get on the meat, remove the maggots and cut out the discolored meat. The remaining meat is edible. Maggots, which are the larvae of insects, are also edible.
- Blood, which contains salts and nutrients, is a good base for soups.
- Thoroughly clean the intestines and use them for storing or smoking food or lashings for general use. Make sure they are completely dry to preclude rotting.
- The head of most animals contains a lot of meat, which is relatively easy to get. Skin the head, saving the skin for leather. Clean the mouth thoroughly and cut out the tongue. Remove the outer skin from the tongue after cooking. Cut or scrape the meat from the head. If you prefer, you can roast the head over an open fire before cutting off the meat. Eyes are edible. Cook them but discard the retina (this is a plastic like disc). The brain is also edible; in fact, some people consider it a delicacy. The brain is also used to tan leather, the theory being that the brain of an animal is adequate to tan its hide.
- Use the tendons and ligaments of the body of large animals for lashings.
- The marrow in bones is a rich-food source. Crack the bones and scrap out the marrow, and use bones to make weapons.
- If the situation and time allow, you should preserve the extra meat for later use. If the air is cold enough, you can freeze the meat. In warmer climates however, you will need to use a drying or smoking process to preserve it. One night of heavy smoking will make meat edible for about 1 week. Two nights will make it remain edible for 2 to 4 weeks. To prepare meat for drying or smoking, cut it with the grain in quarter inch strips. To air dry the meat, hang it in the wind and hot sun out the reach of animals; cover it so that blow flies cannot land on it.
- To smoke meat, you will need an enclosed area – for instance, a tepee (Figure 11-14) or a pit. You will also need wood from deciduous trees, preferably green. Do not use conifer trees such as pines, firs, spruces, or cedars, as the smoke from these trees give the meat a disagreeable taste.
- When using the para-tepee or other enclosed area with a vent at the top, set the fire in the center and let it burn down to coals, then stoke it with green wood. Place the strips of meat on a grate or hang them from the top of the enclosure so that they are about 2 feet above the smoking coals. To use the pit method of smoking meat dig, a hole about 3 feet (1 meter) deep and 1 1/2 feet (1/2 meter) in diameter. Make a fire at the bottom of the hole. After it starts burning well, add chipped green wood or small branches of green wood to make it smoke. Place a wooden grate about 1 1/2 feet (1/2 meter) above the fire and lay the strips of meat on the grate. Cover the pit with poles, boughs, leaves, or other material.
Animal Bill of Rights
The A.L.F. terrorists have attempted to mimic the founding fathers by creating an infantile version of the Bill of Rights for animals. How cute!
1. All animals are born with an equal claim on life and the same rights to existence. (If they really thought this, they'd be lobbying to give sharks the right to vote or some shit, but they don't. Kittens are cuter, and therefore have more rights. Duh.)
2. All animals are entitled to respect. Humanity as an animal species shall not arrogate to itself the right to exterminate or exploit other species. It is humanity's duty to use its knowledge for the welfare of animals (As humans are also animals, and ALF kill people, they are in reality using their knowledge to hurt animals, LOL hypocrites). All animals have the right to the attention, care, and protection of humanity.
3. No animals shall be ill-treated or be subject to cruel acts.
4. All wild animals have the right to liberty in their natural environment, whether land, air, or water, and should be allowed to procreate. Deprivation of freedom, even for educational purposes, is an infringement of this right.
5. Animals of species living traditionally in a human environment have the right to live and grow at the rhythm and under the conditions of life and freedom peculiar to their species. Any interference by humanity with this rhythm or these conditions for purposes of gain is an infringement of this right.
6. All companion animals have the right to complete their natural life span, especially if its natural life span and activities involves the actual killing of humans. Abandonment of an animal is a cruel and degrading act (Unless that animal is also an Aspie, Jew, or Faggot).
7. Animal experimentation involving physical or psychological suffering is incompatible with the rights of animals, whether it be for scientific, medical, commercial, or any other form of research. Replacement methods must be used and developed, physical and sexual molestation of animals is only acceptable if done for the Lulz.
8. No animal shall be exploited for the amusement of humanity. Exhibitions and spectacles involving animals are incompatible with their dignity. Of course, raping an animal in the ass IS compatible. Go figure. Goat fuckers.
9. Any act involving the wanton killing of the animals is biocide, that is, a crime against life. As every ALFtard has stepped on at least one bug by accident, the are all guilty of Murder and should be put to death.
10. Any act involving the mass killing of wild animals is genocide, that is, a crime against the species. Pollution or destruction of the natural environment leads to genocide.
Spotting and safely defending yourself against an A.L.F. terrorist
First off, they will be very thin and malnourished due to a steady diet of rotten organic broccoli and bean curd. They might be wearing a "Save The Rainforest" t-shirt, or maybe even a "MEAT IS MURDER" hat. If you see one, run away immediately. These people have no regard for human life whatsoever.
If you are an enemy of their cause, they will kill or torture you on sight. If you can't run away for some reason, you can protect yourself by wearing a bullet-proof vest made of live kittens duct taped to your torso. JK, they seriously aren't threatening at all. Due to a diet that is severely lacking in protein, A.L.F. Terrorists are extremely weak and fragile, and could easily be taken on in a close combat scenario. In essence, the best way to defend yourself is by not being a fag and eating meat like the rest of society.
You could also distract the terrorists by offering them a horse or a large dog to have anal sex with.
A gun works too, but you must have decent aim. Due to their malnourished ass, they will be skinny. Thus hard to hit. But any shot will down one. (extra credit: Coat the bullets with dog/cat/pig blood.)
Tips for new and wannabe ALF members
- Animal Liberation Front website
- The A.L.F. Forums (Troll them)(You do need to pass a test before being granted membership, will try to post answers soon - Ms. Phipp's first name is Jill)
- Their manual on ARSON, yes, arson, hosted on a white supremacist website. You guys... (Wayback Machine link)
- The E.L.F. Website (ELFs...lulz!)
- A list of their crimes from 1976-1999
- Camille Marino
- Dave Warwak
- Earth First
- Gary yourofsky
- PETA - Of course.
- Vegan Rebuttal
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