Archer

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Archer is probably the greatest thing to happen to Late night Tv since networks decided to extend their broadcasting day until 9 PM on weekdays and 11Pm on Saturdays.

The show follows the exploits of a dysfunctional spy agency that goes by the name of ISIS and its 30 something-year-old perpetual Man child main character that only seems to have a job because his Mother owns the agency he works for. The comedic element of the show follows the idea that even though Archer and his comrades at ISIS may seem to be retarded and only capable of fucking up everything they touch because of their group ineptitude, they are capable of pulling together and getting the job done when needed.

During season 6 of Archer, creators of the show dropped the word ISIS from their show believing that people might confuse their make believe spy agency ISIS with the Jihad Joe, Camel Sexoring brand of ISIS. Like most people trying to avoid butthurt from parents' groups or getting blown up by offended Jihadists, the creators of Archer decided that it would be an all around better move to drop the word ISIS from all new episodes being made and to take the show in other directions that have the characters perforing other roles in show such as their becoming 1980s style, Miami Vice inspired drug dealers.


History[edit]

The origins of Archer and his mother

Archer is proof of and shows that no matter how many times you step up to the plate and strike out, there is always that one good chance that you can still walk up to the plate and hit one straight out of the park. Before You take this as some sort of life lesson or affirmation and puff up your chest to mumble, "It's just a matter of time." This refers only to people who went to school and have jobs, not basement dwelling idiots that are convinced success is a matter of time and doesn't come from someone's own skill, talent or making.

Archer was conceived shortly after Adult Swim informed Adam Reed that his then show on Adult Swim, Frisky Dingo was an embarrassment to the network and was going to be canceled for more Stoner humour shows like Tim & Eric.

Like any good writer that has tasted failure, Adam Reed decided to revise his work and rework it. Instead of having a show about a retarded rich guy that wants to be a Superhero, Reed reworked Frisky Dingo into a story about an somewhat competant and functionally autistic mama's boy that is an international spy.

The way to look at Archer is to imagine Killface's son, Simon, from Frisky Dingo all of a sudden realizing his situation and deciding to take advantage of his father's position as a world class villain, along with his wealth, so he can bed down foreign hotties on his dad's credit card every other episode.

Plot[edit]

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Although Archer represents itself as a James Bond style espionage/action show, it is really no differant from a sitcom like the The Cosby Show, Friends or ✡Seinfeld✡ in that its plot is dependent on the interaction of its characters with regards to the situations they are in rather than being placed in a situation and trying to resolve it.

The first four seasons revolved around the spy angle and following such par for the course ideas like espionage, assassination or retrieving data - such as the time the main character was sent to a southeast Azn jungle to retrieve a computer from a downed fighter jet and 90% of the episode revolved around Archer coming across a 60 some year old soldier from World War II Japan and Archer trying to convince him that the war has been over since August 1945 and Japan lost. On the other side, like all good sitcoms, the moral of the episodes lies with the Japanese character teaching Archer the importance of family after the Japanese soldier believes his family has been turned to atoms because they lived in Nagasaki and he discovers that it was nuked after he stole Archer's smart-phone and watched the entire history of World War II on Youtube because he's Azn and can roll a +5 on technology.

Season 5 of Archer follows the Archer cast as being the most inept drug dealers in the business as they are secretly hired by the CIA to take 2,000 kilos of Cocaine, turn it into crack, then sell it to inner city residents and start the late 1980s crack epidemic. They fail spectaturaly because one character, Pam, starts a coke habit that has her eating half a key a day. More gets lost when their resident scientist, who built a submarine in a swimming pool using coke as ballast, gets upset that it will never have a maiden launch blows up the sub along with the coke.

In season 6, they are technically back in the spy business but the season focuses more on the development of the lesser characters like Pam and the character Archer accepting that he is a father and doing father things like meeting his baby-mama's parents.

Recent seasons, seasons 7 and 8, follow a more film noir, Raymond Chandler Private Dick type genre where the story itself is secondary and only there to set up a world of absolute Shittines where the characters are made to believe that they have a choice in the decisions they make but it is everything around them that is actually making the decisions for them.


   
 
Both You and Archer have the same traumatic experience in your past except he grew up to be an international spy that beds down hotties while you still hide in your basement humping your Rainbow Dash
 

 
 

Characters[edit]

Name Description picture
Sterling Malory Archer Codename Duchess


Sterling Malory Archer is what you would get if you started with James Bond, gave him a shit load of Mommy issues that included his mother never being there so he was raised by the smackhead Britfag butler and when his mother is present she raises him with parental trust breaking techniques like cheating at gambling to take all his Halloween candy, paying a nigger to steal his bike because Archer's mother feels he doesn't appreciate it enough by kepping it locked up when not in use, using a ping-pong paddle to discipline him that becomes a sexual fetish later in life and then topping it all off with a Narcissic Personality Disorder along with a bit of Autism. Sterling Archer is known as "The world's most dangerous spy," not because of his surveillance skills but because of the number of enemy agents he has dispatched. All around, as an agent, Archer excells at spontaneity and can be rather creative and unpredictable when his back is to the wall. Unfortunately he has to be tempered with a more level headed agent who won't put up with his shit and can keep him half-way in line like Lana. Archer tends to fancy himself as a Hemingwayesque style man of men/lady's man. He is mostly compassionless and bullies his team mates and co-workers, only having respect for a few like Krieger because Krieger scares the hell out of him since Krieger has the skills to engineer it so you wake up in a mental hospital without a clue of what your name is and shitting all over yourself if you piss him off. Lana, because she won't put up with his shit, can kick his ass and isn't afraid to occasionaly shoot him in the leg. Obviously, his mother. It was because of his mother that Archer has a child with Lana. It was Archer's mother Mallory who convinced Lana to have some of Archer's sperm unfrozen after his near death experience with cancer. Archer's codename, "Duchess" was given to him by his mother who was missing her beloved Dog Duchess that died eating chocolate it got from the garbage. Archer has four major fears in life: alligators, crocodiles, brain aneurysms and Terminator style robots or androids taking over the world. Archer's favored weapon is the Walther PPK chambered for .357 rounds. Archer's favored martial arts style is ✡Krav Maga✡ which was developed for the ✡Israeli Defense Force✡. In season 8 Archer becomes a Raymond Chandler/Humphrey Bogart style Private Investigator. In season 9 Archer becomes a try-hard businessman that is always failing at get quick rich schemes. His most recent scheme is to go Indiana Jones style into a jungle to find a golden idol that may be worth millions.
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Malory Archer Malory Archer is the all-around evil and completely capable CEO and owner of the spy agency ISIS. She once killed 20 men when her water broke while she was pregnant with Archer, had Archer with no anaesthesia while on a bar table in Morocco then killed another 30 men right after she cleaned up Archer and named him Sterling because she liked the sound of Sterling Silver when her soon to be butler, Woodhouse, told her what the rattle he gave her was made from. So what have you done with your life? Malory is your basic micro-managing parent and boss that will do everything to see her child succeed through the use of Skinner and Wendel Johnson styled behavioral modifications. She uses deceit, emotional blackmail, psychological terrorism, and overly protective parenting tactics that she told Archer were life lessons when he was a kid that she rationalized were for his own good. These same tactics can be seen when Malory cares for her granddaughter A.J., stealing her toy to make her cry and then telling A.J. that this is life and that she, Malory, is the only person she can trust. Malory is very elitist, a trait that can also be seen in Archer, and holds ideas, such as when her secretary brings her her lunch she should also serve it to her. For some reason or another, her son Archer has a debilitating proclivity to become physically and mentally sickened by the thought of his mother having sex, even when she was dating Archer's man crush Burt Reynolds. Out of all of the characters, Malory is the most likely to kill you just because it's Tuesday. In season 8 Malory becomes a Detroit Mob boss known as Mom. In season 9 Mallory is back to being Archers mother. She runs a Island while supporting Archer's frat-boy life style of drinking all day and fucking all night. She get's involved in Archers idol scheme on the promise that she gets the lion's share.
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Lana Kane AKA Spray And Pray Lana is the recuring love interest of Sterling Archer, has a child named A.J. with him and is that HOT redbone Negress that everyone wants to fuck and does't care who will see them with her. Most of her romantic complications with Archer originate with the relationship he has with his mother that borders on psychotic or as others have described it - Norman Batesish. Some examples include Archer wanting to talk to his mother on the phone while watching porn and having sex with Lana or Archer getting a hard on when a rogue agent held a gun to his mother's head and threatened to kill her. Lana is your basic left leaning enviromental warrior (though to her credit, hates wetbacks) and was recruited by Malory when she was protesting fur. Just as Lana was about to throw a bag of paint on Malory's fur, Malory pulled a gun on her. Not seeing her flinch and even daring Malory to pull the trigger, Malory recruited her. Lana aspires to be a master spy much like Malory Archer but her Left leaning ways and distrust of the government often get in the way of this goal. In the show, Sterling Archer has been shot 35 times. 16 of those times were by Lana in his foot or leg to get him to shut up. Called Spray And Pray because of her habit of firing her favored Tec 9s on full auto. In season 8 Lana becomes a Treasury Agent who disguises herself as a nightclub singer. Princess of the Island Tribe of Mitimotu in [[Season 9. Wants to find the golden idol and sell it to Nazi officer Cyril Figis for enough money so she can leave the island and never look back. Sells the map to the idol to Cyril on the promise of being paid 1 million dollars when the idol is found. Her ignorance as a tribal princess shows when she didn't demand a down payment.
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Algernop Krieger "Doctor" Krieger is the head of the applied research department and is often accused of being a clone of Adolf Hitler by his co-workers. It is implied, borrowing heavily from the book The Boys From Brazil that Malory Archer recruited Krieger when he was 13 after his pet Dobermans killed his handler on his command. Although he is very knowlegable in physics, math, science, genetics, etc. Krieger has never earned a formal degree. Krieger has achieved every fanboy's wet dream in that he has created an AI, holographic Anime girlfriend that was so lifelike that the state of New York was willing to legally allow his marriage to it. Krieger has 3 pet projects, the first is experimenting with and building cyborgs which brings many protests from Archer such as when Krieger gave Ray cybernetic legs so he can walk again, learn to play Rush's YYZ on drums and his van that he likes to decorate with 1970s style van art. He was in a brief relationship with Cheryl and made a choke-bot so he could choke her properly because she complained about his weak grip. Best known for staging Bum Fights for sexual arrousal. Just for Shits and giggles, Krieger erased the names of Cyril Figgis' parents from his memory. In season 8, Krieger becomes a ✡Jewish✡ scientist who was secretly working with the Nazi UberMensch program that had the goal of trying to turn Nazi soldiers into cyborgs during World War II. Krieger used the Nazis to advance his research while purposefully killing every Nazi test subject he was given. In Season 9 Krieger is still the smartest character in the show despite being a parrot. Mostly serves as recon because his advice gets taken as readily as a ✡Jewish Rabbi✡ telling a Nazi that he's about to step in front of a bus.
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🇯🇵Mitsuko Miyazumi🇯🇵 Krieger's holographic, AI girlfriend, that he admits to murdering every day, that is the envy of every fanboy and has caused a recent surge in computer programing and engineering majors as nerds everywhere dream of being able to build and program their own hard light girlfriend.
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Pam Poovey H.R. Director of ISIS and all around bad ass of the bunch as she was able to put herself through University by participating in underground fight clubs where she was responsable and well known for killing a number of people by beating them to death mercilessly using only her hands. Can take a punch, as shown when Pam is kidnapped in Cheryl's place and she demands that her kidnappers give her torturer a pair of brass knuckles because he is so weak and not doing anything. The tattoo on her back is from "The Destruction of Lord Sennacherib by Lord Byron" and reads "For the Angel of Death spread his wings on the blast, And breathed in the face of the foe as he passed: And the eyes of the sleepers waxed deadly and chill, And their hearts but once heaved, and for ever grew still!" After a night of getting drunk Archer woke up and declared Pam the best sex he ever had. In season 5 Pam gets addicted to cocaine and loses a ton of weight to become what the male characters refer to as "The Big Titted Hotty". In season 8 Pam is made a male police officer. Pam's main role of the show is to be the fat, inbred hick that everyone likes to make fun of. One of the few people in show that Archer honestly gets along with and can be considered to be a real friend of his as a lot of their being assholes to each other can be seen as playful banter once you get to know the characters and the story moves on. In Season 9 Pam goes from be a little Fat ass bitch to a steroid chomping muscle monster with a vagina. She is Archer's best friend, sidekick, bodyguard, and get rich quick partner and follows Archer when he goes searching for the idol.
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Cheryl Tunt AKA Julia Gluey Dreyffus, Carol and Cherlene Best known as the office bike at ISIS when she isn't sniffing glue, stealing office supplies, or being an all around fuck-up as Malory's retarded secretary. Out of all the characters, Cheryl is probably the most damaged goods of the bunch in that she has admitted to being molested by her grandfather, having a love of starting fires that includes an orphanage and the occasional bum she strangeled to death so as to get rid of the evidence. Gets turned on by all forms of violence, especially being slapped or strangled. Her biggest sexual turn on is Auto-erotic asphyxiation or choke sex. Her only saving grace is that she is very rich and very stupid so she can be easily manipulated into picking up the bill. In Season 5, Krieger puts a chip in her brain that convinces her that she is a Country/Western singer that goes by the name of Cherlene. Cherlene winds up getting the number one album in America because a Central American dictator develops a crush on her and buys up all her albums hoping she will play in his country and marry him. In season 8, Cheryl is played off as the retarded femme-fatal Charlotte Vandertunt who is a cross between Carmen Sternwood from Chandler's The Big Sleep and Gloria Vanderbilt. Archer is the only one with the right idea on the proper way to treat her which borders on that of a disposable fuck toy as he is often dumping her naked ass out and onto the street right after he nuts. In Season 9 she's still a whore. No change.
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Cyril Figgis Loser, You, Cuck Remember that one kid in High School that was so caught up in proving himself to his parents through good grades and academic achievements that it didn't matter that he had a 13 inch dick because he instantly repulsed every girl he got within 10 feet of? This is Cyril Figgis. Absolutely worthless in the spy game because he's easily manipulated, can't fight, shoot straight, tell a believable lie and even betrayed ISIS by uploading MalWare into their mainframe hoping to be the hero that saves the day. His only saving grace is that he is a kick ass accountant and the fact that he has a 13 inch dick with the latter being the main reason Malory Archer keeps him around. He is a cuckold omega type male that 75% of the time he has had sex was through coersion, blackmail or people like Malory taking advantage of his Sex addiction. Cyril's breathing over a phone has been enough to disappoint his father. Cyril is the character that is the most hated by Archer, mostly because of his inability to man up which is also the exact same reason Cyril's father is dissapointed in him. In season 8, Cyril is portrayed as the bought and paid for cop that is owned by the mob. In Season 9 Cyril becomes a Nazi officer that likes sex with dead women and undercooked steaks. Belonging to the Thule society he is on a mission to find the Mitimoko golden idol because it is believed to have mystical powers that can win WWII for Hitler.
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Brett Bunson A walking magnet for bullets. If a gun is accidently fired anywhere in the ISIS building there is a 99.9% chance that the stray bullet will hit him. Was given life's big banhammer when the FBI pulled a Waco Texas on Isis. Unable to hear Archer, Brett broke cover to ask Archer what he said and took a bullet between the eyes. In the words of Archer, "He died doing what he loved, getting shot."
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Sir Arthur Woodhouse Archer's valet and surrogate parent. Valet as in a servant and is pronounced like mallet and not like valet or a guy who parks cars and is pronounced like ballet. He was hired by Malory Archer when she met him as a fugitive in Morocco and is responsable for raising Archer. In his youth, Woodhouse had a penchant for hookers, alcohol and drugs which explains a lot about Archer's favorite vices. Used to be friends with William S. Burroughs until one day he was high on heroin and bet Burroughs he couldn't shoot an apple of his wife's head which led to Burroughs shooting her in the face and killing her. Yes, Burroughs did do [1] this. Served in the RAF during World War I and earned the Victoria Cross when he killed 50 German soldiers by hand after going bat shit insane. Mostly in the show for comedic value as Archer likes to torture him. In season 8, Woodhouse becomes Archer's private investigative partner.
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Ray Gilette The office Fag and walking gay joke. He has 2 Nickel-Plated M1911A pistols with the names Barbara and Liza engraved on them. He's surprisingly cool, which probably comes from the fact that he grew up with a brother that grew up to earn a living as a West Virginia weed farmer. When Brett takes one between the eyes and goes off to that big Game Over screen in the sky, Ray becomes the show's running gag by getting paralyzed every season. Sees Archer as an immature, overgrown, jock-frat boy and this is probably why he takes little offense to Archer's ribbing of his being gay. Not including Lana, after Pam, Ray is probably the second person Archer gets along with the best because they are a lot alike. In one episode, when Ray was given an unlimited budget for a mission the first thing that came to his mind was expensive booze and high dollar male prostitutes. In season 8 Ray becomes a band leader for an all Black jazz band. In Season 9 Ray is still gay but this time he's French and gay. He's most likely meant to represent Renault from Casablanca who becomes friends with Humphrey Bogart at the end of the showing that a Joint Union between the people and military was the only way free people could combat the Nazis. Expect the, "This is the beginning of a beautiful friendship line" from archer towards Ray at the end of this story.
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How to Archer: The Ultimate Guide to Espionage and Style and Women and Also Cocktails Ever Written [edit]

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How To Archer is a companion book for the television show and is written to help rectify some of the more confusing concepts on the show such as the difference between a callgirl and a prostitute. Hint, they're all called whores when they're found dead and in an alleyway dumpster.

For the most part, all the book does is regurgitate everything that a James Bond movie claims you need to know about being a spy such as wearing the right clothes, mixing drinks and talking to girls. Things you already fail at.

Despite its attempt at being a connoisseur's guide, it's cocktail section never discusses ice and mixed drinks. The rule being, if you must use it - try to use the biggest, single piece of ice you can get. All crushed ice does is water down your drinks and destroys the flavor because it melts too fast.

With your idea of fine wine being something that can be bought at a 7-11 at 3 in the morning, we doubt that you would even notice the difference a change in ice would make to a drink.

Memes[edit]

The show is known for producing two funny running gags that the writers now refuse to use because they have become two unfunny and very painful memes that are constantly being repeated, endlessly, by 30 something, autistic piles of shit that think that unnecessary repetition equals comedy.

The first is to go out in public and scream "Lana" in a public place like McDonalds and as loud as possible, usually in your ear.

The second is for them to think they're being clever and coy when they're trying to talk to a girl to ruin any tiny chance they might have had by quoting, "D-D-Danger Zone".

Because That's How You Get Ants[edit]

Womp Womp[edit]

Said Your Mom[edit]

Supressing Fire[edit]

See Also[edit]

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