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Arnold Schwarzenegger

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Meanwhile, in Brussel...
   
 
It's the most important decision I've had to make since 1978 when I decided to get a bikini wax.
 

 
 

—AHNOLD

Ahnold Schwarzenagger, ex-Governor of California, is a brilliant, sensitive man, famous for his gentle dulcet voice, his mastery of English, and the subtle sophistication of his humor. Being one of the first nationally recognized action movie stars in America, faggots all over the nation have envied his pectoral superiority due to the fact that they now look like female boobies.

He's well known for his open admiration of Adolf Hitler, his dream of becoming a global dictator, distributing long-play records with Hitler-speeches and dressing up in SS-uniforms during his body building times. Oh, and by the way, he's now running for EU presidency. Extra information includes that Arnold is in fact a nigger (not to be confused as a snow nigger). This is clearly true because he has this hidden in his last name (negger). If you don't get this, you too might a negger.

Early Life

OMG!PENIS!

He was a weak and scrawny child, constantly being bullied by his younger sister. His father, embarrassed by his total noob of a son, hired an elite team of street warriors to beat some street-smarts into Arnold. Incensed, Maximilian had them flayed alive, and then had their huge muscles implanted into his son's body. In recognition of this, his name was changed to Schwarzenegger, a humorous Austrian pun meaning "White Nigger".

Arnold, The Stud

Our Beloved Leader

During the late 1960's, the Austrian government, a sock puppet of the Soviet Union at the time, used pictures of Arnold as part of a propaganda campaign to extol the superiority of Communism. However, these photos were stolen by Capitalist publishers and used for advertising campaigns for body building products. The failure of the propaganda campaign caused major shakeups in the Austrian government in 1968, and Arnold was able to sneak out of the country on a fishing trawler, where he lived on raw fish and seaweed until reaching New York City 9 months later. After beating the shit out of Joe Weider over the use of his image, he was paid a settlement in enough Joe Weider weight bars that he could sell on the street corners to raise enough money to buy a ticket to Hollywood.

Arnold The Actor

Before his time as governor, The Govenator was the Freezenator.

Arnold apparently did some brilliant acting work after he left Austria. His most famous role was as a huge, silent robot with no emotions and a poor grasp of English. This demanding role was performed with Arnold's usual subtlety and quick wit, and is widely agreed to be the finest performance by any living Thespian. He made many more films, but nobody has seen any of them besides Terminator.

Arnold in Japan

Californians have elected this man to rule them.
"Just drink this. You will fall asleep and when you wake up, you will be with God!"

Arnold is big in Japan, and not just because he is four times the height of an average Japanese male. He makes more money than you by whoring himself to promote Japanese drinks made of toxic waste, and invite the Japanese citizens to lose their money on playing amoral games.


After this commercial had aired, Arnold was elected the Emperor of Japan, a position which he turned down to play in "Jingle All the Way" instead.


Political Career

Arnie lays down the LAW
The governator is displeased with his subjects

Flushed with his success as an actor, Arnold took the next logical step and went on to become ruler of the known universe. The first step towards his goal of ultimate power was to become a member of the previous ruling family, the dynasty known as the Kennedy clan. Following the demise of Sky King Joe, PT Captain Jack, and Bobby, the three Emperors, the clan was in complete disarray under the leadership of Teddy the Perverted Drunk, and was ripe for the conquest. Assuming the Sword of Crom once again, Arnold broke through the walls of the Kennedy Castlemare, and took the only undefiled princess left in the Kennedy clan, Maria Schriver, for his mate. However, it should be noted that consider the size disparity between Arnold's hips and the space between Maria's inner thighs, many theorize that they have never mated, as she would be permanently rendered bowlegged and/or flatassed from any of the standard sexual positions.


Since assuming the throne of the Kennedy clan, Arnold has since proven himself a wise and benevolent leader, who almost never says or does incredibly inappropriate things. He has also undergone surgery to increase his lifespan by having his cold, Austrian heart replaced with a spare T-800 hydrogen fuel cell from his days as a killer cyborg from the future. Note that this power source has caused his waste products to become hazardous waste, and California fire marshals are investigating reports that the October 2007 wildfires started shortly after Arnold relieved himself in the woods during a hike in search of hippies to behead with the Sword of Crom.


Later in his political career he built Skynet, a computer hopefully eliminating all Conservatives, Fascists, Nazis, and anyone who disagrees with Arnie. His first idea was to make Skynet a robot in da skies, but it didn't work out too well. So then, he made the T-1, which worked perfectly. Some Argue that he did it for the lulz, but Conservatives say that he did it because the Terrorists told him to.

Arnold quotes that make it totally reasonable to put him into ANY political office

   
 
My relationship to power and authority is that I'm all for it.
 

 
 

—Arnold on individual libterty.

   
 
People need somebody to watch over them... Ninety-five percent of the people in the world need to be told what to do and how to behave.
 

 
 

—Yeah, I don't see why this guy shouldn't rule Europe.

   
 
I was dreaming about being some dictator of a country or some savior like Jesus . . .
 

 
 

— They thought about abolishing the 22nd ammendment for this guy.

   
 
If you gave these blacks a country to run, they would run it down the tubes.
 

 
 

Arnold's Epic Troll

Ahnold's letter of lulz

On October 7th, 2009, Ahnold decided to troll a dinner hosted by the Democrats. One Liberal, Tom Ammiano, got especially butthurt, calling the Govenator a liar, and topping it all off by suggesting that Schwarzenegger "kiss my gay ass." The Govenator, realizing his troll was successful, trolled Ammiano even harder by sending him a letter with the message 'Fuck You' in the first letter of every line. Much butthurt, rage, lulz, and media attention ensued. (See here, and here for example.) When asked, the Govenator replied that it was merely a coincidence. Later that day he was overheard talking to his wife, telling her that he did it for the lulz.

Notable Quotes

   
 
GET DOWN!


 


 
 

—AHNOLD in every fucking movie he's ever made

   
 
GET TO DE CHOPPA!


 


 
 

—AHNOLD

   
 
Let off some Steam Bennet


 


 
 

—Commando

   
 
IT'S UH BAMBH!!!


 


 
 

—AHNOLD

   
 
Fak Yu Asshole


 


 
 

—AHNOLD in "Terminator"

   
 
USE DA MACHINE GAHN!


 


 
 

—AHNOLD

   
 
YOU ARE A FUCKING CHOIR BOY COMPARED TO ME!


 


 
 

—AHNOLD

   
 
What killed the dinosaurs!? THE ICE AGE!


 


 
 

—Arnold knows his history

   
 
I'll be back


 


 
 

—AHNOLD

   
 
I believe that gay marriage should be between a man and a woman.


 


 
 

—Ahnold on the issues

   
 
Who is your daddy, and what does he do?


 


 
 

—AHNOLD

   
 
It didn't crash. It was taken out by a heat seekah.


 


 
 

—AHNOLD blaming everything on either "Predator" or Mexican

   
 
So you cooked up a story and threw us all in the meat grindah.


 


 
 

—AHNOLD

   
 
I eat green berets for breakfast!


 


 
 

Typical Austrian diet

   
 
Your clothes. Give them to me. Now.


 


 
 

—AHNOLD: On a date

   
 
You vill not be sending me to the coolher
 

 
 

Batman & Robin at it's finest

   
 
Yes, in Germany they used power and authority but it was used in the wrong way. But it was misused on the power. First, it started having, I mean, getting Germany out of the great recession and having everybody jobs and so on and then it was just misused. And they said, let's take this country, and so on. That's bad.


 


 
 

—AHNOLD on politics, history and grammar.

   
 
IT'S NOT A TU-MAH


 


 
 

—AHNOLD

   
 
ZIS MEANS WAAAHR!


 


 
 

—AHNOLD

   
 
Put that Cookie down - NAAUUUWW!!!


 


 
 

—Turbo Man

More quotes: ArnoldQuotes.com


Das vids

A set of teeth to die for
ALL HEIL OUR NEXT U.S. PRESIDENT DICTATOR!!!

Es falsch machen

The Governator calls an irate black man

Gallery

The Archive of Arnold About missing Pics
[Collapse GalleryExpand Gallery]

Other Crap


AHNOLD taeks White House Part Deux

Arnold Schwarzenegger kills people

See also


Arnold Schwarzenegger
is part of a series on Politics.
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