Asa Coon

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KILLZONE: KLEVELAND

Asa H. Coon was a 14-year-old goth and hi-skool loser from Cleveland, Ohio. A student at the ironically-named SuccessTech Academy, the ironically-named Coon became an hero for the ages on October 10, 2007 by going on one of the most miserably epic fail school shootings in academic history.

"How i do shot scoolz?"[edit]

It is.
I have known winrars and you, sir, are no winrar.
Only good coon is a dead coon.

Using his all-black ninja wardrobe and Nintendo-honed splinter cell skillz, Coon successfully evaded the metal detectors and school security guards and infiltrated the campus while armed with a pair of straps. The Marilyn Manson-worshiping teen avenger then walked up to the classroom floor, charged his mighty layzars of pure hate, and began his final one-Coon crusade against the bullies, jocks, affiliates, teachers, furries, niggers, spics, kikes and other idiots that you would expect to find at a high school named SuccessTech Academy.

His first target of opportunity came up quickly. On his way to the grave, Coon happened to bump into fellow student and American Bully Association member Michael Peek, who proceeded to punch him right in his fat faggot face. Not hard enough, alas; after shedding a few manly tears, Coon drew on his tormentor and shot Peek in the side. "What kind of dweeb shoots someone in the side?" gasped an annoyed Peek, as Coon proceeded to the next level.

Screams of terror greeted the goffik gunman as he appeared amid the students and teachers. With guns blazing, Coon then attempted to settle the tab with every em-effer in the school who had ever laughed at his eyeliner, scoffed at his trenchcoat, or disparaged his state of self-imposed loserdom. Fortunately for his fellow students, the hapless shock-rock fan was every bit as much of a failure at shooting people as he was at everything else in his mistake of a life — he didn't manage to kill a single person.

After hitting, but not killing four people with his badly-aimed gunfire, the batshit-crazy gothfag finally decided to end it, but he ran out of ammunition and got punched in the face by a nigger angered by Coon's complete failure, thereby saving the Cleveland school district the cost of three years of free welfare lunch and proving that niggers are better at killing than emos. "Thpartaaaa!" he whispered, as the fatal blow hit home.

And so ends the legend of Asa Coon — teen, goth, and would-be mass murderer. We all wish him well in the afterlife — but let's face it, he'll probably fuck that up too.

What a fucking waste of human life.

Victims[edit]

There were four shooting victims who were barely even injured:

  • Michael Peek, 15, shot in the left side. "Ow!"
  • Darnell Rodgers, 17, wounded in the elbow. "Cut it out, Asa!"
  • Michael Grassie, 42, shot in the chest. "That's going on your permanent record, Mr. Coon!"
  • David Kachadourian, 57, shot in the back. "You are both suspended!"

Teachers Kachadourian and Grassie, as well as 15-year-old Peek, remained hospitalized in stable condition as of Thursday morning. Additionally, a 15-year-old girl sustained a knee injury while fleeing (LOL).

PROTIP: Respawning with something other than dual .22 revolvers will likely lead to more kills in the next round.

Root Causes[edit]

Asa Coon, in happier times
A dedicated animal lover

Most school psychologists agree on the root causes of this young man's recent bad choices:

  1. He was a white kid in a nearly all-nigger school.
  2. He was a Goth and a Furry in a school where those choices, like everywhere else, are severely frowned upon.
  3. His last name was Coon. (Really!)
  4. His mother's last name is Loony. (Really!)
  5. His school has the most fucked up name of any school in the civilized world. (Thank you, Bill and Melinda Gates!)
  6. He liked to fuck other people's pets.

You have to wonder if, occasionally, some of the other students gave him a tough time about his name and all that other shit. (Just think if he ever used his mother's name in the currently fashionable Jar Jar Binks hyphenated style: Asa Looney-Coon.) Given the totality of all those fucked up names, you have to wonder if this whole thing isn't some cleverly promoted urban legend.

Actually, Scientologists agree that Mr. Coon was to some extent "bullied" by his non-Caucasian classmates. What they call "bullying" is called by the children "Daily kickin' the shit outta that little chubby-assed suburban white faggot who tried to stick his dick in Rodrigo's pit bull."


   
 
He was chubby and short, and he was the only kid in school who dressed like a Goth. When he’d get teased, he’d say, ‘I’m gonna come get you.’ We thought he was playing.
 

 
 

—LaToya Sparks, 15, Nigger, Sophomore, SuccessTech Academy

CNN has video of a few niggers getting interviewed. They also claim to have video of Asa trying to mate with Anderson Cooper's dog Molly, but everybody over there denies it. Also denied are rumors that Molly's newborn puppies have masked faces and striped tails.

A nigger's photograph of the school shooting
The Coon family

Reaction[edit]

Bill Gates, founder of FailTech, was too busy shooting heroin in his dick and banging underage Malaysian hookers to comment publicly, but did issue this statement:


   
 
We are all very saddened to hear the news today of the shooting at SuccessTech Academy. This is a tragedy that underscores for all of us how precious each young person's life is. We have reached out to education leaders in Cleveland to express our condolences and support during this difficult time. This tragedy causes us to look inward which reminds us all of the complexity of our work and only deepens our commitment to the goals we set out for Windows Vista.
 

 
 

—Judas W. Antichrist, spokesman for the Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation

Gates promised to sponsor inner city education programs to improve marksmanship awareness when he returns from his charity tour of Asia.

How Asa Failed[edit]

Proclaiming that he worshiped Marilyn Manson, he asked his classmates "Where is your god now?"

BLAMBLAM AND I'M LIKE OHSNAP![edit]

Graded Score[edit]

Graded score
Kill count: 0/20
Accuracy: 4/20
Style: 8/20 faggot copycat with a Marilyn Manson shirt
Butthurt: 6/20
Bonus: 0/20 None. You get nothing, faggot.
Total score: 18/100 (F--)
The world's a better place without you.

Fake MySpace[edit]

Some virgin decided to make a fake MySpace (BALEETED) and message everyone from his school, including his sister, with hateful messages. What a jerk!

Life Lessons[edit]

  • Nigras are bullet resistant.
  • Furries can't aim.
  • 1 AZN > 3 Manson fans' murder/lulz potential.
  • I guess he showed us. He really showed us all.
  • Women need to swallow.

Gallery of Fail[edit]

See Also[edit]

External Links[edit]

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Featured article October 12, 2007
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