Asexuals (not to be confused with Ass-sexuals) are people defined as as having limited sexual attraction, or none at all (or they're simply sick of not being able to get any by age 30). While at first this may seem unusual, one must consider that the world is filled with pedophiles, furries, camwhores, heterosexuals, homosexuals, bisexuals, Hitler, metrosexuals, arborphiles, and Japanese, just to name a few. It's surprising that more people do not opt out of trying to decide if the person touching them was getting fucked the night before by an underaged badger/meerkat furry while swinging from a tree with carrots jammed at unnatural angles into his Abercrombie&Fitch pants. Also, like the gay homosexuals and the bisexuals and those filthy stinking heterosexuals, they claim it's not a "lifestyle choice" but just the way they are.
Since their genitalia still works, they can often be found fapping solely to stimulate the pleasure center of their self-admitted disordered brain. This is excluding bacteria, as well as the rare asexual who is without any genitalia. You may be asking yourself, "why do they still bother to live"? The answer is just to annoy you.
People who give up on sex slowly become asexual over time, simply because they just can't get it. This is because they are ugly as sin, and may just claim their asexuality to prevent any butthurt when asked if they have gotten laid yet. Anyone who's been alone for too long may become one for example. Over time, that person even get bored of their porno, so even that twin-cocked hermaphrodite tiger isn't fappable to them anymore.
Most real asexuals will not admit to the fact that they lack raging hormones. When an asexual tells their parents they are asexual, their parents will assume that they are gay and trying to cover it up. The most feared consequence is that the asexual's platonic romantic interest would reject them, or that they would be inevitably cock-blocked by someone who is almost always erect. Some asexuals go to the next level to hide their disease and, in a fit of denial, become strippers or engage in lavender marriages.
Reasons to Pretend to be Asexual
- Your peen0r is too small.
- You're a pussy.
- You're actually gay, yet don't want to admit to it.
- You need an excuse for being a virgin all your life.
- You're physically displeasing.
- You want to fit in TV Tropes.
- Your favorite OS is Gentoo or Arch Linux.
- You're actually a furry and don't want to admit to it.
If you need a good excuse for what you do, this is what asexuality has to offer so it's a good deal if you're running a pedophilia forum and never leaving the house, and you should try it sometime.
Actual Causes of Asexuality
- Tentacle Rape
- Emotional Abandonment
- Child Abuse
- Opiate Addiction
- Brain Injury/ Lobotomies
Despite finding the internets a coalescing force akin to furries and pedophiles, asexuals somehow manage to be moderately productive and/or noteworthy members of society (see Martha Stewart), but have a tendency to become upset when reminded they're only pretending to be asexual because nobody would have sex with them anyway.
Asexuals refer to themselves as "Ace" to show how hip and cool it is to be a 40-year-old virgin. Even though they don't want sex, asexuals can still enter romantic relationships with other people. Then again, this defeats the whole point of having a relationship, amirite? Even more, some asexuals have sex or fap because, even though their hormones don't function normally, their dicks certainly do.
It is well known in the scientific world that if you chop off an asexual's limb, it will grow into another one of their species. This is because they evolved from sea stars, and it makes them a good source of stem cells and donor organs. The asexual community regularly hacks off their unused penises and balls with saws to donate to people who don't have them. For females, they use a sharpened ice cream scooper.
On the Internets, it is required by asexual law that every asexual must have an account on the Asexual Visibility and Education Network, a place where Asexuals talk about their daily routines. In other words, doing fuck all and whining on a forum because they can't be social irl. It is here that they add more meanings to the term asexual - according to AVEN, hetero-asexuals and homo-asexuals exist too. This means they will go out with people yet will never fuck, ever. That's sort of like Internet relationships but in real life; they will just complain about how their life is boring, yet won't do a thing about it.
Asexuality as a fad
Much like bisexuality used to be, asexuality has recently become the fashionable tumblrista's sexual identity of choice. Much like the other label, applying it to one's self doesn't actually require being asexual or even understanding what it means, as long as it gives you a new reason why you're unique. It is speculated that the reason why it's become popular especially in tumblr comes from the fact that as asexuals care even less about sex than women, they suffer the most from "rape culture", a cultural belief native to the site.
"Sexuals" and their Delusions
Asexuals are chronically misunderstood by those they call sexuals. Most sexuals are either convinced that asexuality is the same thing as celibacy, or fully believe that the person in question is capable of asexual reproduction. Sexuals refuse to accept that not all asexuals abstain from sex, not realising that asexuality reflects feelings rather than actions.
The Jesuits are an asexual's worst enemy - they are dangerous British Catholic Gangsters and also go by the name of the Society of Jesus. The Jesuits deny asexuality's existence, making asexuals all over the UK feel the need to defend themselves. However, being hardcore and all, the Jesuits recruit niggers so you should be extremely careful around this infamous terrorist group.
—Christfags telling it like it is for once
Ironically, there are Biblical figures, such as the apostle Paul, who never married and expressed no interest in doing so. Despite it being obvious that their god has no problem with Paul's celibacy, they still condemn asexuality. Apparently, having little to no interest in sex is exactly the same as homosexuality, and should be condemned as such.
Also, it should be noted that the Jesuits invaded EDF sometime in May 2010.
The Apostle Paul
It is true that the apostle Paul expressed no interest in getting married. It is also true that he wrote this:
Yep. Closet case.
There are a lot of articles about asexuals on our beloved ED, which will give you a decent idea of what happens to people who stay in their basements for too long or just why they have never, ever gotten laid. You will also notice that they are either furries, mentally disabled or anime fantards. You're next.
- Emilie Autumn
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