Ashley Todd is a twenty year-old fatass Republicunt (is there any other kind?) (and a black person) from Texas, who happens to keep a blog on Twitter. She also tried to create an October surprise and smear the name of Barack Obama through various attention whoring ways while in Pittsburgh to work for John McCain's campaign. She is perhaps most famous for her lack of understanding of how a mirror functions.
Little is known about Ashley Todd at the moment, and her Twitter has since become privatized for her protection, leaving people to speculate as to her true nature. All that can be gleaned from it now is what was screen-capped by someone with the foresight to see that the probability of lulz in regards to this case was higher than Heath Ledger was before he got killed by Mary Kate Olsen.
Ashley Todd's blog on Twitter was what you'd expect from a twenty-something female college student: lots of inane updates on the slightest things. Apparently, she had a memory worse than that Mexican in Memento and needed to take notes about every thing she thought of, like wanting a Jew. She also bitched about traffic a lot, which is ironic since everyone knows women can't drive worth shit. Her pix show that she is an emo chubby infected with Internet disease.
October 22, 2008
On the night of October 22, 2008, Ashley Todd was engaged in her normal attention whore activities, preaching to everyone about how great John McCain is, and how she wouldn't mind if Sarah Palin took over when McCain kicked the bucket months into office, when she had an idea for an epic IRL trolling adventure. With her trusty BlackBerry clutched in her fat hands, she started letting the world know the mundane details of her life through brief updates on her Twitter. It's interesting to note that unlike normal cities, Pittsburgh does not have Bank of America, Chase or Citibank ATMs outside of malls. PNC is far superior, with National City following a close second.
— Ashley Todd, on Jew.
Then there was silence for three hours. Faithful subscribers to her blog were probably wondering if she ever found a Bank of America, and if she managed to make it back to the right side of Pittsburgh (like there is a right side, amirite?), although it's doubtful because they were probably sick of her constant updates by that point. Then suddenly, a cryptic update came like a bolt of win from Raptor Jesus.
— Ashley Todd, who doesn't know rough.
The blog never came, but here's why her night was so rough. After finally finding the
Bank of America PNC ATM (Bitch failed anyhow) she had sought so stubbornly,she was mugged by a 6'4" tall, 200 pound black person, for all of $60. Now this was a gaping flaw in her story because it would take a rip in the space-time continuum for OJ Simpson to mug her since he was already in jail for armed robbery. It becomes even more unbelievable when you hear that the assailant started beating her because he saw a John McCain bumper sticker on her nearby car, but everyone knows she was probably Falcon punched because she wasn't in the kitchen. After rifling through Ashley's purse, the mugger proceeded to beat her with her own powder brush and make-up kit. The beating was so skillful applied to appear as if she had never been beaten at all, but that had merely smeared eyeshadow on her face in a grandiose, racist, attention-whoring pity play. The assailant then told her what she already should have known about staying the fuck in the kitchen.
The best part is that he then proceeded to cut into Ashley Todd's cheek flesh a backwards, upper-case letter B. He must have used a spork because she wasn't bleeding and it looked more like an alphabetical Indian burn. The B apparently stood for Barack Obama, because apparently all nigras are Obama supporters who give blanket parties to McCain supporters. The mugger then left her on the ground, pocketed the $60, and proceeded to move in with his auntie and uncle in Bel Air.
The Police Get Involved
Ashley Todd, like anyone who gets mugged, made the logical choice to report it to the police. Since she was a white woman being assaulted by a black person for political reasons, the media picked up the story and ran with it. Shortly afterwards, Homeland Security Chief Michael Chertoff notified concerned Americans that the national threat level had been elevated from orange to extremely black. The news spread across the old media and the internet like wildfire on the date of October 23, 2008, and many people, including azn reporter Michelle Malkin, started thinking they were getting trolled. On October 24, 2008, under heavy questioning and a polygraph test, revealed she told a lie and was just kidding about the whole thing. She was promptly charged for being a fucking idiot and filing a false police report. More lulz to follow as the story continues to unfold.
UPDATE: Once an Attention Whore...?
Ms. Todd sent an e-mail to the Ron Paul group saying her tires were slashed and that campaign paraphernalia had been stolen from her car because she supported Mr. Paul...
...Ms. Todd was asked to leave a grass-roots group of Ron Paul supporters in Brazos County, Texas, group leader Dustan Costine said. He said Ms. Todd posed as a supporter of former Arkansas governor and presidential candidate Mike Huckabee and called the local Republican committee seeking information about its campaign strategies.
According to the vice president of Faux News, John Moody, the fat whale may have cost McCain the election.
—Faux News VP, John Moody
Not only has the whale gotten herself harpooned by the partyvan, but may have also gotten McCain harpooned like a stingray through the heart, because Faux never lies! Hooray for being fair and balanced!
Note how ironic that it would take a fat, lying bitch to ruin McCain's campaign compared to a MILF who abuses power. Muggedgate 1, Troopergate 0.
Oh shit, divided by zero
Attacked by a McCain Supporter!
SHE WAS MUGGED. GET IT? - The thought processes of the brilliant person who uploaded the image.
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