Attack on Titan

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Two out of three are still alive... so far
Attack on Titan Keep Calm.png

Attack on Titan, also known as Stop Fucking Crying, is an extremely cheesy, melodramatic and overhyped Japanese show, in which nearly everything dies before the viewer can figure out what the fuck is going on. Essentially the Game of Thrones of anime (HA HA HA OH WOW) the plot mainly revolves around people frenetically crying and shouting incoherently at each other literally non-stop. The tear to frame ratio is a million to half a frame. The protagonist is a wimpy loser virgin, so the viewer can more easily insert himself into the character. While the manga looks like it was drawn by a dyslexic suffering from muscular dystrophy, using his dick for a pencil, the anime shares the same shitty CGI animation with the the Berserk: Golden Age Arc film series another shitty Japanese show that no one heard of, giving the anime show movie animation quality it doesn't fucking deserve. Every episode consists of consecutive scenes of people struggling with their shit that only you can relate to and ends with a cliffhanger, because when you're watching a show you always want to be reminded how much life sucks, that is pretty much compulsory. Despite the rumors that this anime was inspired by a viking myth, it really doesn't show any pillaging or raepfests, excluding the fanfic.

Guile's Theme Goes With Everything Meme Strikes Again - Weeb Edition[edit]

Plot[edit]

At least over 9000 years ago, Satan decided to offer some random wimmin named Ymir Fritz a good demonic dickening. Like every dumb thot, instead of refusing it from the strange unholy creature like every sane person would, Ymir accept it and gotten the almighty ability to turn into titan just so she could curbstomp anyone who oppose her, laying down the foundation of the Eldian Empire that ruled the world in a Dark Ages like the filthy jew they are for the next over 9000 years later. Ymir later died and split her power to nine piece for her nine twat of a children which they decided to use it to troll the fuck out of everyone by sending a bunch of impetuous, mongoloid, gigantic, neutered, crackfiends to Blitzkrieg the fuck out of the everyone that isn't white (with the exception of Hizuru, the yellow Japanese of this setting because author just copied WW2 at this point). Every country was eaten up, with the exception of Germany, Switzerland and Austria. Just like the filthy jews, the nine assholes spent their precious time fighting each other like the retarded manchildren they are. This Game of Thrones ultimately destroyed their nation, losing their land to the rival superpower of Marley, who believed that the Eldians were indeed the children of Satan himself and should be controlled. The Eldians retreated to Paradis, where they built a huge fucking wall to keep everyone away from their city-state, threatening to destroy the world via Colossal Titans in case of invasion, while enforcing fake news to keep their citizen as dumb as ever just so they won't ever find out their secret. Some Eldians remained on the mainland, and were concentrated into ghettos for the sins of their ancestors.

100 years later, Marley nation now with the power of the science decided to spawn a Level 100 Titan right next to the city of Shiganshina, which gets completely destroyed and in the process everyone fucking dies... again. Our main character Eren Jäger sees his mother get eaten by an emo titan, and then declares that he will kill every single one of them, while frenetically crying his tear ducts off. Eren, his adopted sister Mikasa and some pussy ass, best material for a prison bitch, named Armin, decide to join the military. After 5 years of hard work and crying, Eren, Mikasa, Armin, and some other faggots nobody cares about, complete their military training and are in the top 10. They join the Recon Corps (the guys who failed to protect Shiganshina), even though they could've joined the Military Police and lived a peaceful life in the capital while masses of n00bs would've died at the Outer Walls.

The Colossal Titan (It's Bertholdt) from Shiganshina appears once again to pwn humanity, but this time, they manage to evacuate the City in time while the Recon soldiers act like retards and die. Mikasa skillfully pwns 90% of the invading Titans, while Eren dies and Armin cries while fagging out. Everyone runs out of gas and is about to get fucked but then Eren another Titan shows up and beats the shit out of the other Titans, leaving only a mess of blood and gore behind while ignoring humans.

The Titan eventually runs out of Stamina and dissolves, revealing that it was actually Eren! After some more crying, he is about to get executed by the military but saved by some Nazi General called Pixis. Pixis wants Eren to carry a convenient boulder to a conveniently-sized hole in the wall, thereby "fixing" it. In typical Animu fashion, Eren loses his mind upon biting his hand to turn into a Titan and almost pwns Mikasa. Armin eventually manages to somehow talk him out of it while stabbing him during the course of an entire episode, while 897 people die defending him. He successfully fixes the wall and is then almost raped by the Pope in court, but some 31337 Recon soldier named Levi beats him up in front of everyone. Since he didn't turn into a Titan while getting pwned, he gets transferred to the Recon Corps.

From this point forward, the blatant Levi/Eren yaoi moments occur.

You read all of the above? Good. That's all lore. The real story starts when Eren discovers an alternative family photo hidden in his father's basement, goes emo to grow a beard, and deserts the good guys to become a terrorist alongside his half-brother Zeke. Levi almost dies, Sasha dies NOOOOO and Hange loses an eye. Historia, the token lesbian of the show, is now preggers and everyone wants to know whom the dad was, because him being a random bully introduced to us in only one chapter is not enough of a conclusion. The show is 6 years old, the manga celebrated 10 years, but still nobody really knows what motivated Reiner and Bertholdt to play candy crush on Shiganshina, and Annie is still cosplaying as Rinoa as she's stuck in ice. It's all a poor simulation of World War II meets terrorists with superpowers now in the manga. Bet you wish Eren was left to die in that ancient cave when Historia could've taken his powers, or simply let Annie steal Eren away without losing your entire team, right Levi?

And Gabi is still alive because she's Isayama's pet. Dammit, always the creator's favorite ruining everything, everytime.

Characters[edit]

Below is a list of self insert characters you can related to, since this show is nothing but a bunch of fan services and naruto tier bullshit, all sewing together.

Alive[edit]

Name Description Picture
Eren Jaeger An Angry German Kid who whines a lot, for a change. He is the protagonist because Mikasa was born a woman. Has sworn to kill all Titans at the start of the series, becomes one after eating his dad in a drugged state. Still wants to do that even when finding out the wild Titans are all humans turned into one against their will once. He almost gets eaten by Historia's dad but doesn't because his story was very important for the plot. Him and Zeke turn out to be working together, making the Titards go nuts. After the timeskip, he imitated a depressed Kurt Cobain after discovering he got drunk enough to legitimately marry Courtney Love. People speculate he punched his v-card with Historia to squash the rumors he is a massive faggot but we all know that's a lie. Weebs hate the recent changes because they can no longer project themselves on the terrorist version of their bland hero. He still cried after Sasha's death so there's hope this is all a front.
Erin yeager 1.jpg
Erin Yeager 2.jpg
Mikasa Ackerman Isayama's very subtle inclusion of the Japanese version of the Übermensch race. Ackermans are a unique race, possessing super strength to the point that even the women have killer abs. But they're a dying one too so they're super special, and are so sought after by well-meaning employers. Had the worse kind of headaches whenever Eren was in trouble, which she probably got sick of whenever Eren got stuck on the toilet due to extreme diarrhoea. She gets adopted by the Yaegar family after cutting down her foster family options with the help of Eren, becomes friends with him and Armin in time. Procured lipgloss in a world were every commodity is expensive as fuck because azn, drops it in Season 2 because due to spoilers she's not that special anymore aka she's not gonna bang Eren in the endgame. Looks more and more like a butch as the series progresses in manga form. Stops being special when Levi is introduced.
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Armin Arlert Crossovered from He-Man. Is the brains of the show until Isayama gets stuck. Rambled about seeing the ocean so many times you'd think that meant he was going to die when a Telltale choice moment happens in the manga, but he doesn't, and Eren steals his spotlight when reaching one. Is the one that should've died during the battle for Shiganshina's conquest but he was still young and shit, so Erwin left all the responsibility of humanity's survival on his shoulders. Four years after that happened, he still hasn't killed Eren yet with a quick stomp. Great choice made there.
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Krista Renz Queen Historia Reiss Initially the yuri bait of the show- syke, turns out she was straight all along! Later on she's basically a Daenerys Targaryen ripoff (due to how Isayama himself is a GoT fanboy) as she was revealed to be the rightful heir to the Eldian throne, and therefore the rightful heir to the Founding Titan, hence her ability to activate Eren's latent Founding Titan powers. Is preggers with the manga's new mystery quiz that's tormenting Reddit (most likely Eren). Historia probably wishes she did eat Eren when the chance was presented, at least she wouldn't be sitting on a chair waiting for the plot to happen like a brooding mare staring longingly towards a glue factory.
Attack on titan krista.jpg
Jean Horseman Typical beta male who gets butthurt over seeing his friends getting pwned by the titans. He somehow manages to survive and instead of backing out of the action by joining the Military Police Brigade, he goes on ahead to the Survey Corps and tries to do as much as he can to beat the shit out of the giant drunk people. Gets better after the timseskip, is a horse in disguise.
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Hange Zoë The Entrapta of the show, crazy experiments and all that. Titans make her horny. Is a woman in the anime, has ze/zer pronouns in the manga 'cause zer gender is the fucking void. Replaces Erwin after death because Erwin couldn't trust Levi to be the commander of the survey corps. Survives an attack from Titanized Reiner at point blank range at the cost of an eye. Void or not this character has balls. Is the only German apart from Eren who has a legit German sounding surname in the whole cast.
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Connie Springer Show Lost his mom to Titan serum, his spiritual sister to a Mary Sue, and his role as main comedy relief so far. He'll probably die next, watch this space.
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Flock He's still alive to replace Sasha. Joy.
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Reiner Braun A character related to the most hated Mary Sue of the entire franchise, Gabi. Has an identity disorder that made him believe he really is an hero before Bertholdt reminded him he was a bad guy every time, which made him a little madder every day. Is confirmed to be a faggot but it doesn't really affect the main plot for safety measures. Tried to kill himself at some point after the timeskip, pusses out like a bitch. The reveal that him, Annie and Bertholdt are secretly bad guys from outside the walls AND were responsible for the breach of five years prior is so casual it borderlines parody levels. "Are we really doing this? Now? Right now??" He still has some cool MMA music to represent his fights though. Fails at committing suicide, yet we're supposed to feel sorry for him because he's a villain. (?)
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Gabi Braun Sasha's murderer, remember the name. Is on everyone's hit list, even people who don't follow Attack on Titan hate this bitch.
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Zeke Jaeger The Beast Titan. Looks like he came from He-Man as well when transformed. He was the first son of Grisha and his first waifu (who was the starving Titan that eats Carol at the start of the ser- ooh symbolism we see what you did thar Isayama) Almost got Levi killed as he ran away like Zoidberg would. He is possibly the main villain of the whole show. Was threatening when introduced, is now more nerfed than that clown villain Luffy meets in One Piece. His surprise attack almost gave Reddit a heart attack because their new hero Levi almost dyeid because of Zeke.
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Nazi Germany Also known as Marley in the series. Is the reason it's sucking now. STOMP THEM ALL
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Niccolo Sasha's fish specialist husbando. Was created just for his Marley heart to get broken in many pieces. Such is war.
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Levi Ackerman Son of a bitch. Raised by his murderous uncle, becomes a back alley thief because everyone knew his mom, so going for a career path in whoring as a special Azn was out of the question. He gets adopted by Erwin, the former commander of the city watch. They got shipped by many sad fangirls on Tumblr because mentorship = fucking, of fucking course. Loves wearing a pompous napkin to piss poor people off. He also loves kicking faggots in the face. Alot. He'll probably get a scar from Zeke's surprise attack because Levi barely changed after the timeskip. This character is older than thirty even before the timeskip, yet he looks like a pipsqueak who didn't drink enough milk when he was a kid. That or he follows the Keanu Reeves method of ageing.
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Dead[edit]

List only important and lulz worthy characters

Sasha BAWWW - See Potato Girl section.

Commander Erwin - The last Wikipedia editor in the AoT world. He ded.

Ymir Fakeman - Was the world's youngest 60-year-old. The anime cannot decide whether she's nigga-tastic or brown pasted. Was a huge lesbian for Historia, even after finding out her goddess persona was fake. She was one of the Titans who regained their humanity after eating a Titan shifter (a person who can create a skin-mecha by biting themselves or getting pissed at will) who happened to be part of the original Marley trio's gang. Dies off-screen. Presumably was killed by a vengeful Reiner. Killed, not raped, because Reiner is a confirmed faggot.

Kenny Ackerman - Clint Eastwood lookalike. A pretty cool guy who would kill people in the daylight in Spider-Man fashion and doesn't afraid of anything. Currently working for the man to make the humanity even worse because......reasons. Loses all sense of reason with his fight against Levi when he accidentally killed his bed-bitch through a cave-in explosion.

Eren's original squad - Consisted of a girl with pigtails, two loud mouths, and others nobody cares about. They all died horrible deaths, forshadowing the fate of anyone who puts their lives in the hands of Eren's. Marco Bott was not a part of his squad, but his death helped to discover Annie's treachery by using his equipment as an alibi, making his impact more relevant than all of the original doomed squad combined. Franz Kefka also made a cameo in this show, becoming a half man half squished bug to show the viewer the horrors of war.

Levi's special squad - Because they were the only corps actually doing their job right, Levi was allowed to give his team the 'special' title to make them feel important. They all die horrible deaths after being lured into Annie's trap. Since the readers already bonded with Eren's original squad for a few years, naturally they expected this team to last, making them BAWW after seeing Petra getting squished like a bug. The reaction Levi had after finding out there was a woman out there who legitimately wanted to bone him after she died was priceless.

Connie's Mom - Recognises Connie after getting Titanized, which raises so many questions that will never get answered.

Bertholdt Hoover - The timid asshole from the original traitorous trio from Marley. Of course he was the Colossal Titan, no one would've suspected him ahead of the reveal. Had a crush on Annie which could've transferred to Armin during their office role exchange. His death is one of the most satisfying ones in the entire series, enough though he wasn't entirely evil.

Reiss royal family line - All killed by Grisha, except for Historia and her dad. Even the children. Hilariously.

???

Annie Ruokaiye - Lonely virgin insane blonde chick who can't make a proper friend to save her life. While demonstrating l33t skills in human form, as a Titan, she kills the others in the genocide legion for unknown reasons. She is currently worshiped by a bunch of idiots on /a/, while not only she has not appeared, but neither does the plot itself any good compare to a typical naruto chapter. Also is a hook nosed kike. She is still brought up now and then when Armin visits her prison whenever he can to talk to himself.

Grisha Jaeger - Killed off the entire Reiss royal family. (Almost) Marries someone with royal blood. (Lets them die) Tries to save his remaining family. (Gets eaten by his son) Has more character relevance dead than alive. Even with all of this, some people are convinced he is still alive. Hyped his basement up alot, yet it only contained a very detailed portrait of his original family. Erwin never got to see it.

Sasha Braus Aka She Can Count till Potato Girl[edit]

Sasha should have died a long time ago

RIP POTATO GIRL 05/03/2018

I'm a potato, your argument is invalid.
"Oh potato god tank you!"

In any sort of shitty anime or manga, there's always that one character everyone likes because they either like a shit ton of food or are legitimately funny to watch. Sasha Braus was both of these things. A little retarded, but funny nevertherless. She helped the Irish feel represented in the modern media by bringing in a fresh potato in a starving training camp because she gave zero fucks towards her starving allies. Truly the best girl of the series.

Naze wa emo tade mashta? 0:45
Saves a little girl from certain death, gets killed by a little bitch - oh the irony
Gabi Braun (yes, Braun) the most hated fiction kid since Joffrey
Different video same thumbnail
A video summary of the CHAP-teer that made many ragequit AoT
Even in a shitty filler scene Sasha is just the best
Sasha x Meat OTP
She lived on borrowed time, but what a potato

After the timeskip, Sasha became an Übermensch sniper that could rival Mikasa's stats despite not being a special azn.

This of course leads to her death. And the Internet is still baww'ing her demise a full year after it happened.

And Reddit too but fuck Reddit. The only hope there is out there is that the anime disregards Sasha's death and keeps her alive, but after her death Mikasa has a moment with her tombstone to give her a trace of a personality, so there's no way they're gonna cut that shit out. Sasha was killed three times, not once.

In short: the DESU character of the anime is gone. If you only watched Attack on Titan for Potato Girl, now is your chance to flee. Go! Be free!

Live-Action Movies[edit]

Did you really think this was going to be glossed over?

What happens when fanfiction and big budgets meet on the big screen? You get these strings of movies only azns and weebs watch.

If you expected to watch the Death Note movie... it's that bad. If you expected to watch a cheap version of the LA FMA movie... same thing.

What to expect when watching this movie:

  • Eren and Mikasa fucking even though they're step-siblings
  • Mikasa getting bitten by a Titan, dramatic music swells, vorist people are happy
  • Levi not being in this movie
  • Azn people creating amazing fountain 3D effects in Singapore but sucking like a dated PS2 game in this movie
  • German people being played by an all Japanese cast
  • Mikasa not being race-bent into a German for the sake of visual humor
  • Did we mention Levi is not in this movie?
  • Seeing weebs still defend both movies despite the second movie being bent over by critics before it was even released
  • Armin being changed from a Thorfinn knock-off with coconut hair to... Roshi from the Dragonball Evolution movie? Japan, is this your revenge?

Even glorious Nippon can make shitty movie adaptations out of beloved cartoons. The moar you know!

Shitstorm between Japs, Koreans, and Chinks[edit]

Ever since the 3 nations divided, China, Japan and Taiwan are fighting for that little island, and the butthurt Chinks and Koreans are doing everything in their power to shit on Japan for no reason. As such, this anime is being flamed for promoting Japanese militarist agendas. It is allegedly pushing the defeated Japs to "possess a military and break free." "The message overlaps with the Abe administrations far right policies." The lyrics also apparently push an agenda that supports the revival of Jap militarism. Also, South Korea has accused Japan of hiding military subliminal messages in Attack on Titan. This is complete bullshit due to all characters being German in the first place, though.

Fanfaggotry[edit]

Attack on Titan (Shingeki no Kyojin if you're a weeaboo shit eater) is unfortunately, extremely good at connecting with its intended audience, the majority of them being cheesy tumblr girls and edgy 14 year old kids with aspergers who always wear black hoodies to look cool (even though they look like an emo fag, which they are) and whine about how "NOBODY UNDERSTANDS MEEEHHH!!!". The series has spawned countless fanfic, mostly involving the male characters from the series engaging in awkward sensual moments or boning each other, with fangirls soaking their pants on the first sight of those characters and their unoriginal quirks. Sound familiar? Attack on Titan managed to infect YouTube with its cheesy, pre-teen tier faggotry as well. Typing Attack on Titan will bring up tons of results mostly involving mash-ups and sexy orgasm inducing moments from the anime series.

The 16-year-old horny girls who watch the show will refer to the main characters as their babies, fittingly so as all the main characters are faggot crybabies imagined to engage in acts of passion with each other as the story proceeds. The countless tumblr blogs about SNK contain so many gay innuendos and the characters being cutesy pussyfaggots that exposure to it will cause instant homosexuality upon the viewer. The show also remains one of the most overly cross-gender cosplayed show in existence as the weeaboo retards luv them some gender bending due to being uncomfortable with their own sexuality. The attraction of these fans proves the anime to be an effective one, and will hopefully help contain this massive trend from spreading to the more relevant parts of the Internet.

Ways of Trolling the Fans[edit]

Wanna tryhard and troll the fans? Tell them any of the following:

  • Offer any type of homosexual relationship between characters Actually, fuck that, all the fangirls have come up with at least 100 cringe inducing Yaoi pairings so doing this is the equivalent to putting out fire with gasoline. Instead, humiliate them by telling them how retarded and hormone induced their pairings are. Don't forget to insult Tumblr while you're at it
  • Refer to it as Attack of the Titans
  • Tell them that Eren is the worst main character in all of shounen history (that's Ichigo, but Eren is a close second)
  • Tell them that their endless speculation of plot points and character alignments are utterly pointless because the characters are extremely uninteresting and the series has as much of a plot as 2 girls 1 cup does
  • Compare it to other running anime and explain why the latter is better
  • Say that Berthholdt did nothing wrong
  • Insist that Ymir any character is straight.
  • Call the first opening song bad
  • Call the second opening better
  • Tell them that the show is extremely cheesy and hand-crafted to appeal to the pre-teen girls that watch the show, and is needlessly overacted
  • Refer them to this article
  • Tell them anything pre-basement reveal is the only good part of this story, everything after sucks ass
  • Make fun of the character deaths (this is especially effective since the death toll of dead German people is higher than Stalingrad.)
  • Tell them they've been following Game of Thrones Season 8: the animated version from the start of the series

Series Summary[edit]

We can always pretend Eren got eaten and met Ned Stark's fate.

Gallery[edit]

[Collapse GalleryExpand Gallery]

See also[edit]

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Featured article July 15 & 16 2019
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