Avant-garde

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Avant-garde in a nutshell
Art has truly come far.

Avant-garde is a style of "art" created by attention whores who are too stupid to realize that it's easier scrape meager fame from making Sonic the Hedgehog recolors or inflation art than from painting a picture with one's own menstrual blood. Found both online and off, avant-garde art is a means by which insecure art school students reconcile the fact that they are unable to create technically advanced and meaningful artwork. Not to be mistaken for modern art, avant-garde is a lifestyle that pervades every aspect of an 'artist's' life, from its fashion choices to the music that it listens to. There are many forms of avant-garde artwork, and chances are that you are unfortunate enough to have come across it upon your Internet travels. Some argue that "Avant-garde" is the name given to things that are are so stupid that no one has done them before.

Avant-Gardes in the Wild[edit]

Luckily for those of us brave enough to leave our basements, "people" who ascribe to the avant-garde aesthetic are usually too busy masturbating to tumblr nudes or getting high in their warehouse lofts to see the light of day. However, when they do manage to escape from their cages, they may be detected from a mile away by a strong stench of American Spirits, shitty microbrew, and the semen they'd smeared all over themselves during their latest performance piece. Unfortunately, they tend to travel in moderately-sized to large groups that communicate with a mixture of condescending grunts and low-pitched, smug laughter. When they do manage to utter a string of phonemes, the resulting language usually sounds like meaningless, infant-like babble to the unversed listener. However, avant-garde artists and 'appreciators' operate under the notion that every word that leaves their mouths is profound, meaningful, and full of god-like insight that transcends the cognitive power of mere mortals. Although these individuals rarely interact with others outside of their species, their remarkable ability to flood coffee shops and bars with psuedo-Freudian noise pollution makes them the 16-year-old girls of cultured nightlife. Luckily avant-gardes are creatures of comfort and rarely stray outside of venues deemed cool by their peers, so avoiding them simply means frequenting places where lesser beings dwell.

Avant-Gardes OTI[edit]

Performance art's finest.

Although avant-garde artists are rarely seen on the Internets, they are by no means difficult to find on the more popular regions of the web. Performance artists pollute YouTube with their nonsensical shit, while visual artists prefer to post their art school creations upon the echo chamber that is tumblr in order to get backpats from their classmates and e-pals. Avant-garde "musicians" share catchy clips of cats in heat in as many places where they're allowed to upload them. Perhaps unsurprisingly, true avant-garde artists are seldom seen upon deviantART, as tArtlets can't string two synapses together to realize that black-and-white pictures of roses are not avant-garde. While most Internet argonauts rarely stumble across the shite that avant-garde artists post online, the results are hilarious when they do.

How to Create Avant-Garde "Art"[edit]

If you've ever dreamed of getting laid by an emaciated, draugr-like history major, becoming an avant-garde artist may be an avenue to explore. Here are some steps for advancing the avant-garde movement. It is fairly easy if you don't mind covering your genitals in paint or vomit.

Visual Art[edit]

Probably the easiest avant-garde art to create, as it may take only a matter of minutes and absolutely zero thought to finish.

  1. Get high on your favorite drug (bonus points if it's particularly obscure, such as mescaline or DMT. None of the cool kids smoke weed anymore.)
  2. Get naked
  3. Find a canvas of some sort
  4. Enter your kitchen and try to find some bright colored liquids (i.e. ketchup)
  5. Smear the liquids over your genitals (you may use your own body fluids if your kitchen was empty)
  6. Wipe your genitals over the canvas
  7. State that your painting shows discrimination in western society
  8. Pat yourself on the back

Performance Art[edit]

Commissioned by Hipcrime.

Note: In order to create this form of art, you have to be okay with being in front of real people. We all know you're not, you crusty basement-dweller. Don't even bother.

  1. Get high on your favorite drug
  2. Get naked
  3. Put on some campy, cheerful music
  4. Get somebody to hand you an object (or an animal if you're feeling particularly brave)
  5. Stick the object in your rectum while delivering a profound monologue
  6. Pat yourself on the back

Music[edit]

  1. Get high on your favorite drug
  2. Get naked
  3. Record the sound of your malfunctioning boiler on your iPhone
  4. Mix it with clips from Wes Anderson films
  5. Have an audio clip of Hitler or Jim Jones giving a speech to add a bit of edgy
  6. Pat yourself on the back

Fashion[edit]

Avant-garde fashion designers have long sought after the lucrative balloon fetishist demographic.

This is probably the most common form of avant-garde 'art', as the artists' mothers will object less to watching their little crotch-droppings dressing like troll dolls than they would to watching their kids rubbing their tits across pieces of concrete.

  1. Go to a thrift store
  2. Shoplift some clothes that some dead woman's family donated
  3. Get high on your favorite drug
  4. Get naked
  5. Get dressed (extra points for mismatching colors)
  6. Put on some accessories manufactured for 5-year-old girls
  7. Pat yourself on the back

You must attach some sort of meaning to your new "art" if you're planning on revealing it to the public, but that probably takes less time than creating the work itself. Make sure to say that your art has some sort of message about gender issues or sexuality, as avant-garde appreciators don't have the mental power to consider any concept that doesn't involve their genitals.

ENCYCLOPEDIA DRAMATICA MUSEUM OF AVANT-GARDE ART[edit]

Now open for business!!!


Art is only meaningful when there's nudity involved!

So profound.

A brave recreation of Parkinson's Disease.

Here we get a look at an art world rarity- a shaved hoohaw.

A monument to how far our culture has evolved.

A modern criticism of society, using Spaghettios.


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See Also[edit]

Avant-garde is part of a series on

Independent Culture

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Featured article October 9 & 10, 2012
Preceded by
Feminist Frequency
Avant-garde Succeeded by
Jonathan Niehaus