Avast

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Avast pop up.jpg
A logo that looks like an orange bacteria An orange alien butt plug
She informs you of the updates and tracks your porn history

Avast (aka Avest, Virtual Asbestos, assWHAT, Ass Sweat, Rape MY PC IN THE ASS!!) Is an overrated shitware which will pop ads in your face in a rate much higher than protecting you from anything actually dangerous. This company behaves as if they are the only antivir creators in the world. They are known to be treating their users like peons (which they are), especially free users by making them feel sorry for using FREE version of their shit, cuz freemium isn't free bitch.

Did you know? Over 230 million PCs around the world are infected protected by Avast.

Avast gf meme.jpg
Avast tracks you filthy american pigs
FUCKIN SUPREME SOFTWARE BITCH

AVistory[edit]

Prague was a pretty cool and patriotic guy from Czech Republic, when the great PC virus epidemic at the end of 20th century broke out and reached his beloved country, he himself went to fight the virtual army of evil viruses and haxers. When the war was over, Prague was left seriously wounded due being anally exploited by too many viruses, he caught a virus as a result and died few days later. Citizens sobbed their glorious hero died and decided to name the capital city of Czech with his name. 2 days before Prague's cremation, two men Pavel and Eduard sneaked in and wanted to have secks with dead Prague. As they both unzipped their pants, they heard bizzare noises coming out from Prague. Eduard being too horny to retreat decided to check where the noises come from, he opened the butthole of dead Prague with his both hands, he could hear the voices more clear now, as if there was something inside Prague. Suddenly he heard a scream that wasn't of a human or of anything else he heard before. Pave and Eddy got frightened, they froze in their place and witnessed a strange thing that crawled out of Prague's dead body's butthole: it was orange, it smelled bad, it was slimy with 4 limbs and an eye. The creature charged at Eduard, got inside his body and zombified him. Pavel started running but as he forgot to zip his pants back he fell on the ground and hit his erect penis pretty hard. Zombified Eduard got him and zombified him. Bunch of security guards entered the room with pistols and swords and ordered the two individuals to put their pants up then their hands up. The zombified two charged at the guards, no bullets could kill them and slashing them didn't work aswell as they grew their limbs back. The guards were all defeated and then zombified, the zombified bunch inflitrated a nearby military bunker, they could easily hack the security hardware just by touching it. As the bunch entered the forbidden room, they found a super computer with super secret shit, Eduard fingered the floppy hole of the computer and hacked it's password. Which was btw "911WILLBEIN2001_WILLBEFUNNY". They found crazy shit on that comp: predictions and confirmed conspiracy theories, human apocalypse, access to secret weapons, videos of muscular Czech & Polish cavalry horsemen having sex with their ponies before it got mainstream, exclusive laboratory video of a baby surviving natural abortion 8 months after the mom got impregnated by a captive Yeti, and most of all - Creation of countless modern pc viruses and the cures for them. The zombified bunch was contempt and decided to turn that base into their dwelling place, they ordered anyone else THE FUCK OUT and threatened to activate nuclear missiles if they won't obey. The bunch then declared themselves as the AVAST cult company who will offer free antivirus software for everyone! The offer was welcomed by the kool kids in the 90's, those who didn't have Avast sat alone at lunch contemplating murder while Avast couldn't track them. Years passed and Avast got really popular, everyone who tried to look like they understand in computers while they don't installed Avast and wrote provocative shit on tech forums "Try to hack me losers! haha you can't! I have Avast!". In 2009 a man named Vincent StickHer saw the orange creature on a dating site, they met, fell in love and he ended up marrying it. Some time after they had a son with an unknown name who looks weird, dresses like a cop and is as intolerable as his parents are. Legends say he gets deep inside your PC with his minions to fight grime with a promise your PC will be fast again.

Of course, a Japanese Ninja? will never reach deep

Avest's Dirty Play[edit]

You didn't read the small letters? We pity you
"Herro! Avas suppor, how can I herp? Your PC is WHAAAAT!?

Unlike typical rogue antivirus who will mess up with one's PC to manipulate them to open their wallets, Avest will mess up with one's mentality on a daily basis by believing that with constant nagging like a bitch, the user will surrender and upgrade to Avest PRO (prostitute edition online). which aswell will nag them even afterwards to buy Avest made dildos with great discount. But most users only uninstall avest cause of that and switch to other antivirus as avest in fact is just another anitivirus in the ocean and there are so many alternatives to it, yet Avest don't realize this as they are busy looking down on you like the peasant goon you are from their high orange trojan horse and invent new ways to troll you and will literally upgrade their softwarez to make you maximum mad for using their shit.

Today's avest updates sometimes also install other additional avest products you didn't ask for, and when you try to use them, avest be like "nonono nigga, this shit ain't free yo" then it removes what it installed without your fucking permission.

Avest also tends to reward it's oldfag users of free version with "Loyalty Award" pop-up, so basically for tolerating their popups for so long, get mo popups.

Avest makes it's own spyware - proof:

Avest and Open Candy PUP:

Avest trial can cost you even if you don't buy it:

Protips[edit]

Best protip for avest so far, now install a decent Antivir and scan for the secret leftovers from this crapware
Avast scareware hits again

How to minimize Avest popwarez:

JK! disabling those notifications will not stop it, the notifications you will uncheck will be REPLACED by it's popup offers. I wrote this from my own experience u nigger.

Avest products[edit]

Typical Avest scareware, avest's overrated popularity + this = is the actual reason why open wifi signals are going towards extinction
Special BDSM edition to loyal users of many years
  • Avest FREE - includes: free headache, mini heart attacks, nerves breakdown, open candy, gaygle PUPs, aggressive manipulation
  • Avest PRO - you will still be nagged to buy other avest products (if you wont uncheck them in settings)
  • Internet security
  • Premier - military bunker level protekshen
  • Grime Fighta - paid version of ccleaner, pop ups in avest are secretly pre-checked to nag you about buying it
  • Grime Fighta android
  • Avest android - drain your battery fast!
  • Mobile premium - drain your battery even faster!
  • Secure Line - did internet providers paid you for that, avest?
  • Secure Line mobile
  • Avast Anti Theft - the dirty pictures you took of your small penis are not really deleted and may be stolen
  • Avest Premier - FULL BLOW YOUR PC WITH AIDS
  • Avest Safe Zone Browser - Stalk children on facebook, we tell no one, promise
  • Easy Pass - a keylogger by avest
  • Endpoint protection series - for srs business only
  • Chrome extensions by avest - We know you're secretly gay, we saw everything!
  • Dildos, BDSM stuff
  • AVesome Cocaine! - come here, have a free snort
  • Sex dolls with avest's virus definition update robo-woman voice
  • Adware, Scareware, Spyware etc




COMING SOON!




Gallery[edit]


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