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The Bayeux Tapestry is a very large piece of embroidered fabric, more than 70 meters long and only half a meter wide (that's about 230 feet long and 20 inches wide, for the Americunts in the house). It was created in the late 11th century to document the leading tapestry memes of the time, most of which were remarkably similar to the internets memes of our modern day, as well as the events leading up to the invasion of England by William the Conqueror, Duke of Normandy in 1066.
The Battle of Hastings
The Tapestry contains hundreds of images, divided into scenes, each describing a particular meme or historical event. The scenes are joined into a linear sequence, allowing the viewer to "read" the entire story, starting with the first scene and progressing to the last. However, because at some point in the past thousand years it was cut up into numerous sections, no-one is really sure what the correct sequence actually was. In the final analysis, it doesn't really matter. We know that the English lost because most of the army was out mucking around in Scotland and Wales, and Harold of England's forces were mostly local farmers he forced into service for a six-week period before harvest-time.
Fail becometh Win
Thus, the scarecrow English team got their asses kicked by the feet and swords of the heavily armored knights of French Normandy - the Normans were Vikings from Norway, who had moved to France for the tax advantages - but surprisingly, they grew to be very happy about the aftermath of the invasion. For one thing, thousands of rich Frenchies swarmed over and built up a bunch of luxurious castles, cruised around the countryside in their shiny oxcarts on the weekends, mead-tasting, and the local people realized that these rich assholes actually spent a lot of money on expensive shit, so there were lots of opportunities for commerce. Soon it became cool for the local people to mince around practicing their French, and the old-fashioned Anglo-Saxon grunting noises they used to have as language didn't sound so good anymore. Eventually, the French and Anglo-Saxon sort of blended, and eventually became the language we all know and love today.
But the memes
This is where a study of the memes becomes imperative, as their appearance on the Internet is not only instructive from the historical point of view, but also helps to illuminate the meaning of a whole range of memes. The past is mostly a bad memory, and the future is uncertain, but the memes of the Bayeux Tapestry provide for the internets a precise and ancient mirror of today.
How to make
A Bayeux Tapestry for any drama or meme can be created with a Historic Tale Construction Kit, a magical place that can be used to illustrate anything.
- Use ye olde English. For example instead of "Yo mother is a hoe," you could say "Thy mater maketh her wealth upon her back."
- Fit as many people into each frame as possible.
- Claim you drew the final image.
- Photoshop "Goatse and friends" into the image.
When on the internet drama hath taken place and the affairs all a huggermugger, generally the fray canst be summarized in a great tale. Tis shall serve two purposes: Firstly, it shall produce great mirth for the onlookers of the fray; secondly, the situation shall be told to the tardy masses.
Topics regarding the intrigues of the Court are can also serve for much amusement, but thou wouldst do well to make use of ye olde English. For example, "lol, bush sucks" shall become "Thy king's engagement in questionable activity doth stir in me great mirth."
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|Featured article September 8, 2007|
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