Beowulf

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Beowulf is an epic poem by Anonymous from at least 100 years ago. At over 9000 lines, it is most notable for being a TL;DR piece of crap that no one will ever read other than English Majors.

Beowulf[edit]

Anonymous (in burka) wins the Whitebread Award.
Beo-YMCA.jpg
I CAN HAS BEOWULF? Oh, lolcats, u so crazy.
HOMG, SPOILERS!

Beowulf is a mighty spell for turning white boys from snickering goons into people. Unfortunately, Junior High English is usually taught, nowadays, by a very nice middle-aged lady who did her Master's degree on Maya Angelou. Having no pedophile in her at all, her teaching of The Beowulf is invariably fail. There are no Jews whatsoever in Beowulf and therefore it is almost worth reading. If one of the Jew had appeared in Anglo-Saxon England, it would have been killed for meat. Beowulf is also notable for containing the first appearance of the word "sleac" in literature. The rhythmic structure of Beowulf is so hip and bix nood that folks in the Mid-West still square-dance to recordings of it. The dragon attempted to edit his entry in Beowulf by burning the sole manuscript with fire. Before the advent of WikiScanner, this was passed off as a natural disaster.

Plot Summary[edit]

The Geats were famous as the all around weakest gang in Los Angeles. (They started as an offshoot of the Rangers, but later ditched the "R" out of their name to diss them) There was this big ass war hero comes back from Afghanistan, Mr. Grendel, who would prowl around the neighborhood with a baseball bat. They couldn't even blast their tunes after dark or Grendel would call the cops on them! Lots of them got hauled off to jail, and the rest didn't have the heart to hassle a hot dog vendor.

But then comes in this all around bad ass dude, Beowulf (Used to be called "B.O." as a kid...). He hangs out all night on the street corner, and when Mr. Grendel comes up with the baseball bat, he pulls out a Tec-9 and stone cold caps his ass. The paramedics had to cut off his fuckin' arm, it was a scene. And the Geats, they had a big party, went running around all the streets taggin' and hollerin, they put together their money and got a couple of kilos of dope to sell, what a great time.

Well surprise surprise, the next thing they know, Grendel's mom, old Mrs. Grendel, comes walking down the street with this whole crew of protestors and TV cameras and shit. They hold this huge candle-light vigil, get the residents to put Webcams on their balconies, call in the Guardian Angels... before they know it, the Geats are worse off than they ever were. And even Beowulf doesn't know what the fuck he can do to fix it - until he's talking to some guy in a bar, who says that Mr. Grendel was selling all kinds of Army supplies out of his garage.

So Beowulf waits until Mrs. Grendel is having one of her meetings, and busts into her garage, and holy shit! the place has got full crates of grenades, sniper rifles, machine guns... he grabs a bunch of weapons for his buddies, tosses a grenade in the garage as he leaves, then comes after Mrs. Grendel and her prayer circle in the big house. And it's absolute carnage. The cops get there, they call the anti-terror squad, they go through all the weapons... they decide it must be some white power organization Grendel sold to, because the local gangs are too weak to pull any shit like this.

After that everything's fine for a long time, until one day one of Beowulf's Junior G's comes to him saying that he's got the chinks on his tail. Apparently the brat picked the lock on a safe house and made off with a couple of kilos of coke, thinking they'd assume someone inside their organization did it... trouble was, they caught him on video. So now the Celestial Dragon Tong was hunting for the kid all over the Geats' neighborhood. Of course, Beowulf knows the kid deserves what he gets, but he doesn't want his crew to look weak, so he goes out after them with everything he's got. He guns down a whole bunch of Dragons, but they put a bunch of rounds into him also.

The Geats had a grand funeral for him, parading his coffin through the neighborhood raised up in the back of a pickup truck on the way to the cemetary. They painted a huge mural of him on the side of the Lower Kennedy Freeway overpass over route 72, and to this day, all Junior G's flash him the Geats hand sign when they walk walk underneath.

Shit no one cares about. And spoilers. Spoilers that no one cares about.[edit]

In the poem, Beowulf, hero of the Geats, is taken on to fight Grendel, who is ruining trade at a Danish mead hall. He rips off Grendel's arm, leaving him unable to jerk off, and proceeds to finish the epic pwnage. Grendel's Mom wreaks havoc, so Beowulf goes to kick her ass. Then some random dragon appears and fries Beowulf into a crisp as Beowulf stabs its guts out.

Films no one cares about.[edit]

A shoddy attempt at producing an entertaining version of Beowulf came out in 2007, this time featuring a disturbingly naked Hannibal Lecter and crappy CG turning a fat Cockney actor, Ray "I’ve come to kiwaw your monstah!" Winstone, into Beowulf. At last, apathetic and mentally deficient high schoolers have a film they can really connect to, and be able to pass their Literature exams without lifting a finger other than to masturbate over CG-Angelina Jolie's artificially enlarged breasts.

This differs from the earlier, sci-fi version starring Christopher Lambert and one too many hits of acid, which caused aforementioned high schoolers to fail English class and life in general. Although chock-full of cleavage and demonic sex, this earlier attempt lacked both a budget and a plot resembling anything an English Lit teacher would approve. This attempt is the best one as it isn't full of Fail but instead has sex and violence that everyone enjoys.

An even obscurer offering, The 13th Warrior, reworked the story to star a Muslim Zorro helping Klingons (Beowulf is renamed Beefwilly or Bellywhiff or something) fight Neanderthals.

A Dozen Virgins[edit]

There was a dozen virgins
Frisians, Danes and Franks
We took them for some swifan
And all we got were wanks

(Chourus)

Oh, we are Beowulf's army
Each a mighty thane
We'll pummel your asses
And ravage your lasses
Then do it all over again

The fattest of the virgins
I knew her for a whore
I gave her all my codpiece
And still she wanted more


Her sister was from Norway
She cost me 20 groats
She showed me there was more ways
Than one to sow my oats

Her mother was from Iceland
And she was mighty hot
She'd need a whole damn iceberg
To cool her burning twat


Other versions of Da Wulf[edit]

  • Bilbo Bagby, a very refined gentlehobbit indeed, has recently released a CD version of Beowulf, which was authentically filmed in a hall full of wooden pillars. No wait...that was the Scandinavian audience. Has a tendency to camp out on certain syllables, which is technically known as a "yodelisma". The little yips when Grendel starts to get frisky are a nice touch. Smiles too much; apparently thinks he's doing opera. Fails the darker colors of the poem because he's obviously not in touch with his inner pedophile.
  • Didaskalos is giving a show of Beowulf two days before the movie comes out. This will take place in a rented suburban skatepark full of teenage boys. Assuming PJ doesn't out him for his nefarious plan to corrupt the youth of the South with fake "mead", Nordic boy-magnets, and kewl runes, anyway. This could be potentially anticlimactic!
  • Report: Oh it was anticlimactic it was! Only one person showed up, a ten-year old boy, and he sat upside-down on the couch nibbling from a styrofoam cup of cheddar fish and pretzels, and fell asleep half-way through. Didaskalos had a right lovely old time of slavering over his sleeping "Danish" form, as the ravenous Grendel...oh yes my precious...

A precious fragment of traditional Anglo-Saxon culture[edit]

  • IT'S YOUR BEOWULF: Drink mead together, recite it often, and teach it to your sons. In this way, little white boys will be able to sleep safe at night, without fear of being eaten by beaners, gooks, black persons, faggots, pedophiles, or other figments of the white imagination.
  • Here A. Wyatt Mann gives his impression of the inside of the hall Heorot, as night falls and the shadows lengthen:


  • What fears does this cartoon evoke, hmmm? "Don't ask, just Grendel!" Amirite?
  • If you don't Beowulf, the Zionist Occupation Government wins!

Epic rape, not epic lulz[edit]

To make up for his own brutal rape, Beowulf took it out on Seaking

While Anonymous' epic may have been truly epic at the time, Anon failed to update it for today's audience, instead letting it wither to old meme status. This left the tale open for the taking, and it has since been gang-banged so hard it's coughing up its own vagina and has shown up on ICHC with various misspelled and unfunny phrases shooped onto it.

"I AM BEOWULF" is a motherfucking terrible meme forced down the throats of /b/-tards because unmonitored 13 year olds think its funny to live their Beowulf fantasies vicariously through some Spartan horseshit thought up by Frank Miller while he was jacking off at a pay-to-use 7-11 toilet. Since all the ppl who saw Beowulf saw it with their moms, there clearly wasn't an efficient sexual outlet for these children (a la being gently jacked off in the back row by some old dude who bought you nachos). So what was the cure for their backed up sperm? Unconscionably retarded 300 references? Yes plz.

Replacement of the now defunct "THIS IS SPARTA!"[edit]

Some argue that the replacement of "THIS IS SPARTA!" with "I AM BEOWULF!" was a much needed change for the LJ community and tubular drama whores at large. Problem is, they're the exact same meme, because Robert Zemeckis is a moron, so this didn't actually fix anything.

External Links[edit]

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