Bernie Goetz

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Bernhard Hugo Goetz (a.k.a. The Death Wish Gunman and The Subway Vigilante) is an American hero, environmentalist and professional Jew who is most well known for his tireless efforts to clean up New York's filthy, vermin-infested subway system in the mid-1980s. In the decades following his humanitarian work and Second Amendment activism, Goetz has taken up numerous hobbies such as selling weed and harbouring squirrels in his apartment, much to the chagrin of his landlord. Goetz is also notable for losing the 2009 Nobel Peace Prize to Barack Obama due to the Nobel committee's anti-semitism.

Bernie Goetz first rose to national fame on December 22, 1984, when four black youths decided to surround him and politely demanded that he give them $5 so they could afford to buy half of a Something Awful account from their local drug dealer. Not willing to be a victim like every other goddamn Jew on the planet, Badass Bernie decided to respond to the teenagers' demands by pulling out a .38-caliber revolver and shooting every single fucking one of them.

Following the failed mugging, the four entitled niglets decided to play the race card and Bernie Goetz was eventually put on trial for 4 counts of attempted murder – all of which he was acquitted of. Goetz was, however, convicted of unlawful possession of a weapon because the fucking government had previously denied his request for a concealed carry permit despite the fact that he was previously mugged and wanted to exercise his Second Amendment rights to defend himself.

Subway's Five Bullet Footlong[edit]

The Jew, The Myth, The Legend.
What the New York subway looked like in the 1980s.
An AR-15 similar to the one used by Goetz.
What you should show to any libtard gun control nut who says a screwdriver isn't a deadly weapon.
Arrested for self-defense crimes.
He should have learned Jew-Jitsu.
It wasn't about race, it was about New York being a fucking hellhole.

On Saturday, December 22, 1984, four young adult negroes from the Bronx—Troy Canty, Barry Allen, Darrell Cabey and James Ramseur—surrounded Bernie Goetz and requested in niggerese that he give them five dollars.

Gimme five dollars.


—Troy Canty, before being owned by a dorky Jew

After noticing that one of the young men had something in his pocket other than a huge black schlong, Goetz realized that he was most likely going to get stabbed with a fucking screwdriver if he were to politely decline their "request" for five dollars.

I knew it wasn't a gun but I could tell they were going to beat the shit out of me.


—Bernie notices bulge. OwO what's this?

Having no other choice, Goetz whipped out a gun and shot all four of his would-be muggers before exiting the train – but not before firing off a cheesy one-liner worthy of a crappy 1980s action film.

You don’t look so bad, here’s another.


—Bernie Goetz, Nigger Exterminator

If I had more bullets, I would have shot them again and again. [...] My problem was I ran out of bullets


YouTube Favicon.png complete interview

LOL Acquitted[edit]

Goetz is awarded the Nobel Peace Prize or some shit.
Bernie gets all the bitchez.

I would, without any hesitation, shoot a violent criminal again.


—Bernie Goetz Archive today-ico.png (archive)

I know it's disgusting to say, but it was so easy. I can't believe it. God.


—Bernie Goetz, on shooting niggers

Squirrel Girl[edit]

30 years later.

High Score[edit]

Graded score
Kill count: n/a
Accuracy: 20/20 5bullets4niggers
Style: 20/20 Entered bullet-time hyperspace and channeled The Matrix.
Butthurt: 20/20 Typical instance of blacks getting butthurt after a kike fought back.
Bonus: 40/20 Perfect pacifist run.
Total score: 100/100 (A+++)
See full ranking

See Also[edit]

External Links[edit]

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Featured article February 7 & 8, 2019
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