Bernie Sanders☭✡ (commonly shortened to B.S.) is a batshit insane Communist Jew and American politician who represents the 9,615-square mile patch of progressive inanity that is Vermont. Sanders is the product of a Communist experiment to develop a socialist clone of Larry David whose goal is to break up banks and corporations. After having served nearly a quarter of a century in federal office, a demented Sanders developed delusions of grandeur, and announced a 2016 presidential candidacy, apparently believing America was ready to elect a senile socialist septuagenarian to the White House.
Aided by an army of well-off young white people on the Internet, he became a meme candidate, along with Donald Trump and, previously, Ron Paul. Sanders did about as well in his quixotic quest for the presidency as the last Vermont politician that was popular on the Internet. Bernie will be remembered as the useful idiot who disillusioned the idealistic youth away from Hillary while pushing her policies to the left thus giving Donald Trump the White House.
- 1 Political career
- 2 2016 presidential campaign
- 2.1 Primaries
- 2.1.1 Iowa
- 2.1.2 New Hampshire
- 2.1.3 Nevada
- 2.1.4 South Carolina
- 2.1.5 Super Tuesday
- 2.1.6 March 5 primaries
- 2.1.7 Maine
- 2.1.8 Michigan and Mississippi
- 2.1.9 March 15 primaries
- 2.1.10 March 22 primaries
- 2.1.11 March 26 primaries
- 2.1.12 Wisconsin
- 2.1.13 Wyoming
- 2.1.14 New York
- 2.1.15 April 26 primaries
- 2.1.16 May primaries
- 2.1.17 Final primaries in June
- 2.2 OMG VOTING IS RIGGED!!!
- 2.3 Supporters
- 2.4 Black Lives Matter
- 2.1 Primaries
- 3 2020 presidential campaign
- 4 Political positions
- 5 Cucks for Bernie
- 6 Gallery
- 7 See also
- 8 External links
Bernie Sanders was inspired to get into politics as a young person by Adolf Hitler. Liking Hitler's unique brand of national socialism, Sanders decided to become America's first self-described democratic socialist in the U.S. Senate. However, deciding that maybe six gorillion maybe was not enough, he decided to instead model his political philosophy after a system that killed 100 million people for teh lulz.
After biding his time for eight years as Mayor of Burlington (A.K.A. buttfuck nowhere) and fifteen years in the less-glamorous United States House of Representatives, Sanders finally got his chance upon the retirement of Jumpin' Jim Jeffords, and was elected amidst a wave of anti-Bush sentiment in 2006, but mostly lucked-out by nature of running in the shithole that is Vermont. His career in Washington is mostly him pretending to an independent (having gotten elected as one), while caucusing with the Democratic Party.
Soon however, Sanders became painfully aware that his idol never settled for a lowly Parliament position, and decided it was time to try for something bigger.
2016 presidential campaign
—Bernie Sanders, in an official campaign e-mail that was quoted by Reddit (where else?).
Bernie Sanders announced his bid in April of 2015. Sanders raised a decent amount of online loot from deluded college hipsters on the coasts, but still trailed a scandal-plagued Hillary Clinton by double-digits nationally throughout much of the campaign. It has been noted that Sanders had a problem winning the support of minorities, women, older voters, more religious people, Southerners and poorer Democrats. In short, he never stood a real chance of actually winning the Democratic Party's 2016 presidential nomination.
Bernie Sanders was so hot in Iowa. Polls proclaimed him to be surging, money was pouring into his campaign, Iowa's caucus system gave him an edge, turnout was huge... it was Bernie's night!
Unfortunately for the Bernouts, reality can be cold. Sanders and his vaunted grassroots were thoroughly rekt by Mrs. Bill Clinton.
Sanders pulled off a victory in New Hampshire, a state full of white liberals that borders his home state. This is the only point in the entire primary Sanders will have a lead in pledged delegates.
Another state Reddit was hyped for, but Sanders lost Nevada to Clinton.
Bernie Sanders was destroyed by nearly fifty points, but it doesn't matter cuz all the northern liberal states will go for Bernie.
Clinton defeated Sanders in Alabama, Arkansas, Georgia, Massachusetts, Tennessee, Texas, Virginia and the American Samoa. Clinton won the majority of black votes since Sanders misplaced his fried chicken stock. Sanders's campaign is all but eliminated at this point, but he'll continue to press on as long as gullible college kids donate their lunch money to his campaign over the Internet.
March 5 primaries
After Reddit finished crying itself to sleep in the nights following Super Tuesday, Sanders won two out of three 'Super Saturday' (made-up media term) states. Unfortunately for Sanders, the wins were in the least-important states (Kansas and Nebraska), and Clinton expanded her delegate lead by annihilating Sanders 71.1% to 23.2% in Louisiana.
New Hampshire 2.0 A tiny white liberal state bordering Vermont which didn't make a dent in his chances.
Michigan and Mississippi
Bernie Sanders pulled off a surprise upset over Clinton in Michigan on March 8, 2016. This caused Reddit to erupt in jubilation, as they were anticipating a loss there. Despite this, and hilariously overlooked by supporters of Sanders, Clinton received more votes and delegates that night, as she clobbered Sanders by over sixty-five points in Mississippi. In short, on Bernie's "big night," Clinton actually expanded her already formidable delegate lead.
March 15 primaries
Hillary Clinton won Florida, Illinois, Missouri, North Carolina and Ohio on March 15, 2016. After Bernie Sanders got shutout, Reddit quickly realized Michigan was an anomaly, and melted down as it finally dawned on many (but not all) of them that Sanders won't win.
March 22 primaries
Not a whole lot to say here. Clinton won the biggest prize of Arizona, while Sanders won Idaho and Utah. This race is flat-lining; Clinton only needs about 35% or so of remaining delegates to win, and she will clean up in California in June. The only drama left is how much longer Bernie Sanders will string his supporters along for more money on this doomed candidacy.
March 26 primaries
Sadly, Bernie Sanders's victories in Washington, Alaska, and Hawaii pumped some fresh delusion into the heads of his supporters, right as even the most autistic of them were mentally preparing themselves to accept the fact that his candidacy is doomed. His victories in these three states narrowed Clinton's lead by sixty-six delegates. While Clinton is still certain to win, this was grounds for Reddit to rejoice as Sanders had just made the biggest accomplishment of his lifetime.
Sanders won a slight victory as projected, which was incorrectly refereed to as an upset, and equated to Michigan by the delusional support base on Reddit.
Sanders won a VERY slight victory, but both candidates received seven delegates. Reddit collectively shit itself and intensified its whining spree about democracy being "dead" (although they had no objection to the same thing happening in Kentucky when it worked for Sanders).
Another Lucy football moment for the Bernouts. Polls showed a tightening race, the exit polls on the night of April 19 showed Sanders within four points of winning, and the networks all refused to initially call New York for Hillary Clinton after the polls closed at 9:00 PM ET. OMG, Bernie's going to win! Ha ha, just kidding, Sanders lost badly again, by sixteen points.
April 26 primaries
Clinton won Pennsylvania, Delaware, Maryland and Connecticut, while Sanders only won Rhode Island. Following this, Clinton's lead is now larger than it was before March 26th. Afterwards, Sanders's campaign put out a press release that all but said he isn't going to win, but will keep running until the last vote is cast (i.e.: keep donating).
NOTE: Anyone who has yet to accept that Sanders has been defeated should immediately be referred to a psychiatric professional.
Sanders won Indiana, West Virginia, and Oregon, while Clinton won Kentucky and Guam. Kentucky was so close that initially both candidates received twenty-seven delegates. Afterwards, Bernouts refused to accept their loss as legitimate, and a recanvass was demanded. The recanvass happened, and it turns out Bernie can lose, and Clinton received one more delegate. Despite the fact the delegate lead has only decreased by twenty, Reddit used this as "evidence" of an incoming victory for Sanders, despite the fact that even if the trends were to continue (which was never going to happen), Clinton was still going to easily emerge victorious. Sanders needs 80% of the remaining delegates to close the gap in pledged delegates. On May 24, Clinton won the primary in the state of Washington, but received no delegates for it (Lord knows Bernie's fans would be screaming bloody murder if the reverse had happened).
Final primaries in June
Hillary Clinton slaughtered Bernie Sanders 84.2% to 12.2% in the U.S. Virgin Islands, and won big in Puerto Rico too, with 61% of the vote. Sanders failed to win a single U.S. territory.
On June 6, the Associated Press declared Hillary Clinton the presumptive nominee, saying she has enough pledged and superdelegates to clinch. It should be noted that superdelegates can change and do not vote until the convention so the delusion will persist until then.
On June 7, Clinton won California, New Jersey, New Mexico and South Dakota, while Sanders took Montana and North Dakota (with an astounding 253 votes). California was probably the most devastating blow of the entire campaign for the Bernouts, as they desperately pretended that a narrow victory there could somehow erase Bernie's massive delegate deficit, but despite weeks of their hype, Sanders lost California by double-digits.
The last of the presidential primaries occurred on June 14 in Washington, D.C., with Clinton receiving over 75% of the vote, and giving Sanders his final humiliation before his unceremonious exit from the race.
OMG VOTING IS RIGGED!!!
Berniebros everywhere were awash in salt when WikiLeaks released nearly 20,000 emails exposing collusion within the Democrap party, something widely known by anyone who wasn't for Sanders. Butthurt Bernie bros planned to sue the party, which yielded absolutely nothing, to the surprise of no one else.
Usually this big of a hissy fit is reserved only for extremely close races, such as George W. Bush's Florida win over Al Gore in 2000, Christine Gregoire's victory over Dino Rossi in the 2004 gubernatorial election in the state of Washington, or comedian Al Franken winning the 2008 United States Senate election in Minnesota by a 312-vote margin over Norm Coleman. Bernie Sanders, on the other hand, lost by nearly four million votes, and a double-digit percentage (55.2% for Clinton vs. 43.1% for Sanders) nationally, and yet, somehow, the Bernouts still loudly whine about being robbed. Go figure.
—The Washington Post, reporting on Sanders's white Internet troll army.
Mostly consisted of white college students who've never worked a day in their lives. Why these middle-class suburban Millennials think socialism is an appealing ideology is a mystery. If you criticize Sanders, his supporters will be on your ass! Bernie Sanders has drawn big crowds in liberal havens such as Portland, Oregon, though Donald Trump drew a larger crowd in the much smaller town of Mobile, Alabama.
His support base is on Reddit and they mindlessly worship him, despite the fact that he is supposedly an everyday egalitarian. Heil Bernie!
It can be surmised that Sanders's promise of free stuff was his main attraction during his failed presidential campaign. Millennials that are on the cusp of having to actually work for a living see the government and Sanders as their new providers, replacing mommy and daddy. Also, they really don't want to pay back their student loans.
Other signs that someone you know may be a Bernie supporter include:
- Wearing campaign T-shirts mass-produced by starving Chinese or Pakistani sweatshop workers.
- Mindlessly repeating slogans about how we need to "wake up and take control."
- Driving an electric vehicle, i.e. a Prius or Smart Automobile.
- Squeezing Bernie-related propaganda into every discussion.
- Vehemently attacking Trump just because of who he is, not because of his policies.
Throughout the campaign, the Bernouts have come up with many memes to explain away Bernie Sanders's shortcomings, and sadly, many of them have come to believe their own bullshit after hearing it and repeating it for months on end.
The first is that superdelegates have somehow denied Sanders. This is simply garbage. Superdelegates, especially now after all the votes have been cast, were Bernie's only hope. Clinton has defeated him in the pledged delegate race, and if only pledged delegates existed, Sanders would already be mathematically eliminated, with no 'oh the superdelegates will switch to Sanders after the FBI indicts Clinton' nonsense to keep the faith alive. After the June 7 primaries, Clinton has over 3.5 million more votes than Sanders nationally, which shows that for all the posturing of Sanders's supporters about the election being stolen, it's they who palpably want the superdelegates to veto the will of the Democratic Party primary electorate, and install Sanders as the nominee (i.e., steal it).
Another is open primaries vs. closed primaries. Sanders's fans like to squeal that closed primaries are unfair, but nary a word is ever said about caucuses, which are way more undemocratic than any closed primary has ever been, and hurt Clinton's overall delegate haul more than closed primaries hurt Sanders. Evidence of this can be seen by Sanders's big (percentage-wise) win in the North Dakota caucus, where almost no one voted, but loss in South Dakota, where many did, or how Sanders won the state of Washington when fewer than 30,000 Democrats voted in its caucus in March, but lost Washington's May primary when over 700,000 Democrats participated. This gave Sanders seventy-four WA delegates to Clinton's twenty-seven, despite Clinton being the much more-supported candidate in the state.
Black Lives Matter
To further prove the point of how Bernie Sanders stands zero chance of winning anything but safe races in Vermont, he became a favorite target of Black Lives Matter during his presidential bid, because he's an old white guy from Vermont, a state that is 95% white.
A shameful display took place in August 2015, when two Black Lives Matter agitators took the microphone from Sanders and hijacked his own campaign event, with the cucked Sanders just meekly taking it. Even more pathetic, Sanders subsequently apologized for not bringing the bucket of KFC to black voters sooner.
More humiliation came when chicken-loving, sleepy Republican Ben Carson blasted Black Lives Matter in a way that the Sanders campaign should have, but were too afraid to do so.
2020 presidential campaign
That's right, he's back. On February 19, 2019, Bernie Sanders told Vermont Public Radio that he will be seeking the Democratic Party's presidential nomination once again. Unlike in 2016 though, it won't be a one-on-one vs. an unlikable shrew.
College, day care, health care, etc.
Sanders claim to be a long time proponent of gay rights and marriage, but of course this is just political bullshit, and no such thing is true.
In 1996 he opposed DOMA, Defense of Marriage Act, but not because of the gays, but because he was concerned for state rights. He was not "legislating values."
In 2006, he actually opposed homo marriage, and would prefer the fags to just get civil unions.
—Bernie Sanders, when asked if he wanted to protect homosexuals from job discrimination.
Bernie Sanders thinks Americans are too stupid to own certain types of guns. Ironically, Vermont has some of the most lax gun laws in the nation.
Bernie Sanders believes flipping hamburgers is, in 2015, worth $15 an hour. He believes that everyone should be paid at least $15 an hour; except of course his own staff, whom he only pays $12 per hour, how fitting.
Fun-factoid: $12 an hour is the minimum needed to be over the poverty line if one has a regular 40-hour workweek.
—Bernie Sanders, longing for a Venezuelan grocery store.
Bernie Sanders says a 90% income tax rate is not too high. Everyone will get taxed from Wall Street to Robin Hood.
Cucks for Bernie
By far the vast majority of Bernie supporters are "white guilt"-ridden chucklecuck subbies who are so self-oppressed they lend their wives and girlfriends out to minorities with the hope of having them shit out a great big brown sperg to try and alleviate the shame of their imaginary slave-owning ancestors (who likely never even owned a single slave in the first place). In actuality this position is less politically motivated and more a matter of trying to normalize a bizarre, sordid BDSM sexual fetish by turning it into a perversely driven "lifestyle choice" as a vehicle for inflicting their disgusting interests onto the greater whole of society.
Given such inherent depravity it's no surprise at all that they cling to Sanders like a slimy white tick looking to leech from others by being submissive and pity ridden. They want nothing more than a fat socialist government teat to suckle off of indefinitely and believe Sanders will bring about this SJW driven man-child utopia in which the number of non-white babies you whore out will rack up the most pity points for federal freebies.
- 2016 presidential election
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- AIDS Skrillex and Carl the Cuck
- Correct the Record
- Donald Trump
- Ela Thier
- Herman Cain
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- Jill Stein
- Michele Bachmann
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- The Great Meme War
- Thomas Dimassimo
- Want to troll a Bernie butt buddy? Post this on their Facebook page:
- Judas Watch: Bernie Sanders
- Bernie's Magic Solution™ is to tax everything!
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|Featured article November 26 & November 27, 2016|
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