Bloodborne

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What you'll get from playing this game

Bloodborne is the spiritual successor to the epitome of artificial difficult action RPG shovelware developed by the non-jewish company From Software (Yes, that is the name they are going with). Despite it being touted as deviating from its predecessors, it's pretty much the exact same game with a slightly less obnoxious HUD, moar tentacles, guns, and most of the content from the other games missing.

Gameplay[edit]

The repetitiveness of Bloodborne's gameplay rivals that of the average MMORPG since it consists of little other than waiting for enemies to attack before dodging and R1-spamming them to death, at least until you git gud and figure out how to do overpowered "visceral attacks" ripostes, in which case the game becomes more monotonous as almost all enemy encounters are trivialized even further.

Weapons[edit]

Due to From's lust for potential jew gold from the DLC that they will inevitably release to sustain their new cash-cow, there is a severe lack of weapons. The guns are practically useless for anything other than parrying, and the only melee weapons worth using are the ones that are any faster than your grandfather's pelvic thrusts, since that way you can just stun-lock anything until it dies. There is one shield available in the game, but it's so weak that it serves as little other than a sick joke to those trying to play the game like they play Dark Soles.

Arcane[edit]

Almost all of the arcane spells magic in Bloodborne is worthless, mostly due to how they use quicksilver bullets just like guns. The only arcane spell even worth mentioning is A Call Beyond, but only because it's good for pissing people off in PvP.

How To Play The Game[edit]

  1. Choose any origin; it really doesn't fucking matter
  2. Go to the Forbidden Woods; get the Tonsil Stone
  3. Go to the Amygdala Cthulhu spider thing next to the Grand Cathedral and end up in the lecture building
  4. Kill the fuckton of jell-o guys in one of the rooms until you have enough blood echos souls to level your shit up
  5. Go to Byrgenwerth, kill Rom, the Vacuous Spider, end up in Yahar'gul
  6. Get the Upper Cathedral Ward key
  7. Go to the Upper Cathedral Ward, kill the Celestial Emissary, and break the window behind the lantern there
  8. Go inside the building and find A Call Beyond
  9. You can't go back up from here, so either rek the Cthulhu tentacle monster at the bottom of the lift, git rekt trying, or be a pussy and die on purpose
  10. Keep leveling arcane until it is at least 40
  11. Invade other players' games, make them an hero with despair as you destroy them with little to no skill
  12. You win the universe. Kill yourself.

How You Will Probably Actually End Up Playing The Game[edit]

  1. Get lost. End up in the sewers. Pig raped.
  2. Go a different way. Get lost again. End up in Old Yharnam. Wolf raped.
  3. Go a different way again. Still lost. End up in the Forbidden Woods. Snake raped.
  4. Run past snakes. Completely lost by this point. Pig raped again.
  5. Somehow end up going the right way. Reach Byrgenwerth.
  6. Probably end up raped anyway because by this point you're too angry to concentrate.
  7. Hurl PS4 through brick wall. Kill yourself.

List of Widely accepted GOOD Weapons[edit]

  • Ludwig's Holy Blade
  • Kirkhammer (basically the same thing as LHB except the transformation gives you a hammer instead of another over-sized sword)
  • Blade of Mercy
  • Tonitrus
  • Chikage
  • Burial Blade
  • Cannon (for trolling in PvP)

List of Shitty Weapons[edit]

  • Nearly every slow weapon
  • Any weapon not listed in the list above

Story[edit]

In short, you kill a bunch of scrubby ass monsters until you find some more scrubby ass monsters known as "Great Ones". You find some douche named Micolash who's a complete pussy, kill him, or at least the version of him that's in the Nightmare realm (don't think about it, you'll only hurt your little brain). After that you kill Mergo's Wet Nurse, then you kill Gehrman (unless you're a pussy and accept his offer), then, if you could actually be bothered to get the umbilical cord parts, kill the Moon Presence (probably one of the easiest bosses in the game). Once that's said and done, you fulfill your sexual fantasies of you and Bloodborne's top waifu, a fucking doll.

The Enemies[edit]

Every game needs good challenging enemies. Well this one just fucked up. All the enemies are bland and totally unoriginal. They range from stupid eurofags with pitchforks to rape-happy tentacle monsters. We at ED have saved you the time and effort of actually playing the game and listed most of the enemies below for you.

What 99% of the game consists of
Name Description
Huntsmen Easiest enemy in the game - a brain-dead eurofag that takes 1-2 hits to kill.
Other Hunters Scrubby NPCs trying to steal your original character. Most of them are easy, but some are complete dicks.
Zombies Even more generic and retarded than huntsmen.
Chime Maidens These bitches will keep spawning enemies (usually fucking spiders) or even other players to rek your sorry ass until you kill them. There are different variations depending on where you encounter them, but all of them are annoying as shit.
Spiders Easy, but annoying enemies that like to crowd you while fighting more important shit.
Giant-Ass Pigs This game's variation of the giant ass pigs in Dank Souls, except they don't even have armor, but they do have an annoying ass charging move that will probably one-hit you
Brainsuckers Stupid pricks that exist only to feed off of your agony while draining your insight. There's also a boss version found in chalice dungeons because From ran out of ideas.
Labyrinth Madmen Batshit crazy guys in chalice dungeons with unrealistic running speed; very difficult for filthy casulz
Scholars Nerds that let their jelly fetishes go a bit too far; their attacks are so slow that you have to be retarded to get killed by them
Blue Aliens Stereotypical aliens, not unlike Mexicans
Other Enemies No one really feels like reading through a whole list of stupid shit so we'll cut it short here. tl;dr they all suck

The Bosses[edit]

All of the bosses in Bloodborne fit into one or more of five categories:

1. Large bosses that fall down if you hit their limbs a bit, allowing you to simply spam their weak points until you win

  • Vicar Amelia
  • Darkbeast Paarl


2. Humanoid bosses that you can kill with almost nothing but parries

  • Father Gascoigne
  • Shadows of Yharnam
  • Martyr Logarius
  • Gehrman, the First Hunter


3. Bosses with "safe zones" where you are unlikely to get hit because their attacks don't cover certain areas very well or due to the terrain

  • Cleric Beast
  • Blood-starved Beast
  • The One Reborn
  • Amygdala


4. Bosses that are easy except when they use one particular attack

  • Ebrietas, Daughter of the Cosmos
  • Micolash, Host of the Nightmare
  • Mergo's Wet Nurse


5. Weak bosses that rely on summoning enemies that are usually stronger than they are

  • Bitches of Hemwick
  • Rom, the Vacuous Spider
  • Celestial Emissary

YouTube[edit]

See Also[edit]

Souls Series

Bloodborne
is part of a series on
Souls Series

[BonfireBoss fight]

Core series
Demon's SoulsDark SoulsDark Souls 2Dark Souls 3
Spin-offs
Bloodborne

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Bloodborne is part of a series on

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