Burning Man

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Typical "Burner" and his young date, on their way to Nevada.
Beyond Thunderdome was superior to Burning Man in every way

Burning Man, a.k.a. Desert Coachella, is a nauseating pseudo-cult of art-fags and hippie exhibitionists (a.k.a. furries generally without the aspergers) who pay $390/person (add $80 if you bring a vehicle) each August and September to run around naked for a week in the Nevada desert, or as they call it, the "playa" (Mexican word for "beach" though of course it's nowhere near the ocean HAHAHA DISREGARD THAT I SUCK COCKS), showing off their amazing art to everyone who spaces out long enough to simulate listening and taking lots of acid, 2CI, jenkem and ecstasy until they can only babble incoherently and cuddle with each other in puddles of their own vomit and piss.

Most of the attendees are white people in their 40s trying desperately, yet again, to cling to their faded self-image as a true artist and a cool person.

During Burning Man, cities like San Francisco feel slightly fresher and less cluttered with pretentiousness as thousands of the city's art-fags fuck off to Nevada. This does cause a problem at Starbucks and similar businesses, as virtually all but their Negro employees have unexpectedly not shown up for work, leaving the burden once again on the black man, where it belongs. This is a textbook example of irony.

Meanwhile, the filthy horde of "Burners" is out in the desert, harming the local ecosystem and fucking anything that moves, with a pathetic, blank-eyed insistence that this event is a cutting-edge spiritual art. Really though, the truth is that Ronald Reagan was still president the last time Burning Man was remotely interesting, when it took place on San Francisco's Baker Beach with just a dozen or so friends.

Lifestyle[edit]

The Yu-Gi-Oh masters gather in the desert, to fight the system, and to trade Miss Cleo aura readings

Unlike ordinary and natural cultural events that happen once a year, such as Christmas, or Chinese New Year, or the Cherry Blossom Festival, or Kill Zombie Jesus for Yahweh Day, or Anzac Day, or Victoria Day, or even Bonfire Night, "Burners" overwhelmingly devote their lives to the Burning Man ethos. They become passionate, zealous missionaries for what they perceive to be a perfect melding of art, primitivism, high-tech, spirituality, and sexuality. Like all cult members, they bristle at the slightest criticism of Burning Man; any voice speaking against Burning Man is declared to be someone "who is incapable of that transcendent vision" and must be some kind of robot; anyone deciding not to go for the first time in many years is ostracized and shunned as a traitor, and so forth.

Yet despite all the jabbering about art and technology and inner peace, in reality, and without even knowing it, they are merely re-enacting a significantly dumbed-down and New Age-y version of Mad
Unsuspecting "Burner" just before she was fed to the sand worms.
Even Spiderman likes to drop in from time to time.
Max: Beyond Thunderdome, with the test site desolation of Southern Nevada providing a convincing portrayal of the Australian interior wastelands following a nuclear war (ed: redundant). Moreover, just as was the case in that film, "Burners" are consuming natural resources en masse, creating a colossal amount of toxic garbage and pollution, gassing up their old "house-paint pink" 1960s Cadillacs, other ugly old "art cars" with seashells and garbage glued on, and grandpa's old motor-home, for the 300-mile+ drive, and generally being wasteful as hell, despite all the earnest expressions of "earth-friendly" rhetoric.

Indeed, burning down "The Man," the emblem of this so-called festival, a huge "sculpture" of lumber nailed together over the course of many weeks by dedicated pot-heads, not only depletes forests and causes air pollution, but is a subtle but outrageous insult to the culture of the local Paiute Indian tribe of the region. Do the "Burners" give a shit? No, it's their ART!

And it went down, down, down...

With "the Man" burned, tens of thousands of cars, trucks, vans and buses begin the slow, Labor Day Weekend freeway crawl back to various cities of the western USA, amid the usual August desert heatwave temps of 42C/114F, bumper-to-bumper traffic for much of the way. Left behind: Many acres of trash. No worries: They are providing an employment opportunity for the local Paiutes, whom they will pay to clean it up.

As the filthy, dusty "Burner" vehicles eventually make it back to the City, driven by sun-glassed, sun-burnt, hung-over, unshaven men and girls of Burning Man art and action, it is easy to detect a hint of embarrassment peering from behind those mirrored spectacles. Nevertheless, these rugged individualists, true pioneers of aesthetic adventure, will brag about their "epic" week at "the Playa" for months, driving these thoroughly brown-dusted machines without once cleaning them until the rainy season begins again in November.

Trolling Burning Man[edit]

Art-fag/arsonist/troll Paul Addis, frying on LSD at the Pershing County Sheriff's Department
Burningpartcipation.GIF

In 2007, four days before the Man was supposed to be lit up, a brave troll by the name of Paul Addis went down to Black Rock "beach" and set the Man ablaze, effectively fucking over the Burning Man event (irony!). Even better, it was set on fire right when the Lunar Eclipse happened, causing 15,000 people already on the beach to BAWWWWW their eyes out as they witnessed the man turn to smoldering ashes.


   
 
Someone went to a great extent to interfere with everyone else's burn. I think, frankly, an attention whore has made a plea for attention.
 

 
 

—Burning Man volunteer "Ranger Sasquatch"

Aftermath[edit]

The art-fags fired up the gas-powered generators and rebuilt their wooden contraption just in time to burn it down again, pretending that the trolling didn't happen. Naturally, the Burning Man organizers pushed for a very severe judicial penalty to be imposed on Paul Addis (They were going to burn it anyways!). Sentences for arson range from 5 years imprisonment to a life sentence, but Addis was granted parole[1] after 12 months (serving two years afterward), which proves that no-one likes hippies, ever. Except Ron Paul supporters, that is, who nominated him and Cathy Addis as two of the three delegates from Shohomish County, Washington in 2012.

How To Troll on the Webz[edit]

Guaranteed to cause butthurt in any burner forum:

Suggest that it was "better last year". This is always true and irrefutable.

Tell them: "this year's theme is soooo lame!". This is always true and irrefutable.

Complain about hearing their stories all the time, "this one time, at burning man..." = "this one time, at band camp..."


Gallery of pretentiousness and attention-whoring[edit]

BURN IN HELL! About missing Pics
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See Also[edit]

External Links[edit]


Featured article September 2, 2007
Preceded by
Larry Craig
Burning Man Succeeded by
Americans
Featured article September 22, 2009
Preceded by
EQ2Flames
Burning Man Succeeded by
Camille Marino