Call of Duty: Black Ops 2

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New title, same old shit.

Call of Duty: Black Ops 2 is the latest game from the fags that brought you Call of Duty 3, Call of Duty: World at War and Black Ops. In typical Call of Duty fashion, Activision is raping fanboy's wallets with $79-$179 deals for downloadable content which probably will be released for download in the future. So here's the breakdown of it faggots!

The Game[edit]

Normal game

  • Just the fucking box and disc

Hardened Edition The box and disc with

  • Some remote controlled MIQ drone for Xbawkz players avatars
  • Steel book, great for your friends to bash you over the head for wasting an extra 10-110 bucks on this shitty game (if you even have any friends you aspie-ridden fuckhead)
  • Some jewgold that can be spent ingame
  • Zombie Nuketown (Note: Only reason you should buy this if you think it's worth it. No infact just search for codes online to download this shit so you don't waste $10)
  • Nuketown 2025: Some lame futuristic Nuketown.
  • Some unrevealed but foregone faggy camo for multiplayer
  • Some player cards nobody really cares about

Care package Edition All the other shit the Hardened edition comes with, except you get a care package case and a remote controlled RC-XD or some shit like that for an extra $100 you idiot.

  • Did we mention that the game was so buggy/glitchy that it went on sale on Black Friday,2 weeks later, for $25? Yea.*


Typical Gameplay

Campaign[edit]

Assist patriots in their liberation of foreign soil and horse cocks.

Picking up where Fag Ops 1 left off, the campaign starts off in Angola, where Operation Chardybris or something like that got called off as if it never even happened.

  • Mission 1: Alex Mason fights alongside IRL warlord Jonas Savimbi killing commie niggers and spic controllers in Africa. Then he learns from Hudson that his buddy Woods survived and is on a prison boat surrounded by fart gassed corpes (gasp!) and during their rescue Mason fucks up the shit of a beaner working on a radio who later turns out to be Menendez.
  • Mission 2: Woods as an old man in a wheel chair with no knee caps then explains to Mason's son David "Section" that Menendez harbored vengeance to his dad for what he did and hid in the shadows but the CIA hunted him down and pwned his family. Section then works with his friends Harper and some random Mexican called Salazar to fuck up Cubans with high tech stealth shit before uncovering plans for an elite haxors "Celerium Worm" which can hack even the highest grade military equipment.
  • Mission 3: Another flashback from Woods shows that he and Mason were in Afghanistan during the Soviet invasion where Kravchenko returns to fuck Mason's shit up but fails and gets his brain blown out by Mason because THE NUMBERS MASON, THE NUMBERS WHAT DO THEY MEAN??? bullshit returns because his fuckbuddy Reznov programmed him to kill him years earlier. And then Reznov somehow comes back to save them from being killed by the Mujhadeen.
  • Mission 4: Section goes to some remote European city called Anthem to track down Menendez and learns of China's involvement in his schemes! But Menendez knew about the spying and tries to fuck over SEAL team 6. They get out and Harper gets burned.
  • Strike Force Mission 1: You can command a Navy SEAL team to defend an Indian FOB centre from attack by Chinks.
  • Mission 5: Back in South America IRL Panama president Manuel Nogeria frees Menendez when he is taken prisoner by MUHREENS and he rampages ala the good ole' fashioned Doom style to save his little sister but she is killed by Woods who threw a grenade into her room to kill Menendez in rage.
  • Mission 6: Section and Harper then go to track down hacker Karma but she is caught by some Albino Britfag Defalco and she can either be captured or rescued by catching up to and killing the Britfag.
  • Strike Force Mission 2: You command Spec Ops characters to take down an oil rig in the hands of chinks.
  • Strike Force Mission 3: Protect Brown presidents and prime ministers from Al Quada attacks.
  • Strike Force Mission 4: If you failed to get Karma, then you can rescue her and play as a wimminz too!
  • Mission 7: Woods and Mason get fucked over in Panama where Noregia works with Menendez to trick Woods into pwning Mason with an M82A1 .50 cal sniper. NOTE: You can choose to save the Ausfailain if you shoot him in the leg. Then Menendez knee caps Woods with a shotgun and kills Hudson before swearing he will return.
  • Mission 8: Play as a Towelhead in Menendez' militia who is a secret CIA agent. Choose between raping Harper or get an Executioner shoved up your ass.
  • Strike Force Mission 5: Ironically the easiest mission. Even on Veteran. Walk 5 meters to a crash site of Chairman Tian Zhao and pwn him. That's it.
  • Mission 9: On the ship USS Obama (lol) Menendez hacks the drone fleet and tries to fuck over the Navy. If you completed ALL possible SFMs, China comes to help. But if you PWN the Nigger in charge of the ship everyone except Section dies.
  • Mission 10: Protect the wimminz president in LA.
  • Mission 11: Either kill or Capture Menendez. If you kill him, Riots will break out and the US collapses into nothingness. If Karma is alive and you capture Menendez, he goes down the rightful route he was destined with and is stuck in jail to be assraped in the showers. There you go. $60 bucks out the window for another mod to COD4.

Characters[edit]

  • Alex Mason: The same brainwashed and crazy Aussie from Black Cocks returns for the first half of the game. Gets pwned by Woods who thinks he was Menendez.
  • David "Section" Mason: The loser son of a loser dad.
  • Frank Woods: HOLY SHIT FRANK WOODS SURVIVED HIS JIHAD AGAINST KRAVTCHENKO! He later returns to get knee-capped by Menendez with a Shotgun. He can also get shanked with Menendez' knife in the end.
  • Kravchenko: Somehow survives with Woods and comes back to try and kill Mason in Afghanistan but instead dies there for real.
  • Jason Hudson: Some fat guy who has shades for eyeballs, gets his throat slit to ensure Mason's son won't die. In this game he is conspicuously voiced by Batman instead of some random bald Americunt who played a Nazi sniper.
  • Raul Menendéz: A beaner Illuminati leader who is the antagonist. He wants revenge for Mason skullfucking him when he was in South AIDSfrica, ruining his family drug trade and Woods killing his crippled little sister all to make people sympathize with this fucking spic.
  • Chloe "Karma" Lynch: Female Hacker. Has to survive to ensure maximum anal rape to Mendez.
  • Farid: Islamic guy who is a mole in Menendez' militia.
  • Briggs: Nigger in charge of the US Navy.
  • Harper: The Dumb/funny badass for this game.
  • President Bosworth: A wimminz, thus meaning that this game is purely fantasy, for there will never be any wimmin president.
  • Viktor Reznov: A ruskie who was featured in World at war and in Black ops as Mason's Fuck Buddy. He only appears for 12 seconds and it is unknown if this fucker still is a hallucination or was actually there.
  • Tian-Zhao: A chink that nobody really cares about. Like IRL Azns.
  • Jonas Savimbi: An IRL warlord that you will help when sent to Angola in the flashback, to kill commie niggers and Cubans working for Menendez.

Multiplayer[edit]

Scavenger loadout.

Geyarch, looking to rearrange the Create-a-class system completely now allows players to create classes based on how much shit they put on. You can have up to 10 selectables in 1 class but you gotta drop shit. You can even remove weapons completely to become a knife whore with your combat knife and Combat axe.

Factions[edit]

  • Seals: Section's ghey faction with Mr. Krabs/The Kurgan/Savage Oppress as the announcer.
  • Mercs: Most commonly with the Seals. Probably the most infamous faction on BO2 because every 5 seconds some random merc yells, "WANNA GET PAID? MOVE IT!"
  • FBI: Richard Nixon is your announcer. Have fun. Also plays against the Mercs.
  • Militia: Muslims who aren't as good as the MW2 OpFor. Seen with the ISA or the Seals.
  • ISA: US intelligence agency and also spies on your homes! Only seen against the milita.
  • SDC: Chinks with high expectations yell at you the entire match. Only seen against the Seals.

Downloadable Content[edit]

The one thing that keeps Bobby No-dick rolling in cash, Map Packs for $20 Dollars!

=Nuketown[edit]

  • Nuketown 2025: A far less interesting remake of the original BO1 map.
  • Nuketown Zombies: Takes place right after the multiplayer map from Black Ops 1. At round 25, the zombie eyes change to blue because of Moon.

Revolution[edit]

  • Grind: Fucking Skate Park. Get trolled by SMG rushers and LMG Campers.
  • Downhill: French Alps. Of course America would have to save the French. Get killed by the Gondola Cars.
  • Hydro: Pakistani Dam level. Get washed away by rip-tides! Expect many rages of epic proportions.
  • Mirage: Sandstorm in the middle of nowhere.
  • Die Rise: Play the words Die and High Rise. Place Trample-steams near ledges and record.
  • Turned: basically a Zombies version of Gun Game that nobody plays.
  • Peacekeeper SMG: Intentionally Over-Powered weapon to coerce players into buying so they can roll in dough.

Uprising[edit]

  • Studio: A remake of Firing Range. Oh dear god...the horror of campers.
  • Vertigo: Fall of the VTOL pad and watch your opponents laugh.
  • Encore: Rock Concert. Hog the stage like the Attention Whore you are.
  • Magma: What else do you think this is? You play on a Volcano in Japan.
  • Mob of the Dead: Probably the one thing you'd buy this map pack for. Get to be on Alcatraz and see the results of what happens when you drop the soap.

Vengeance[edit]

  • Cove: Get endlessly quickscoped or trickshotted.
  • Uplink: Remake of Summit from Black Ops, now even more retarded.
  • Rush: Get blasted around every single corner by a Remington or KSG shotgunner then rage-quit.
  • Detour: A collapsed bridge in Jew York city, Target Finder LMGs and Quickscopers everywhere.
  • Buried: Play as Clint Eastwood wanna-bes in a buried redneck town. Yes, seriously.
  • Ray Gun Mark II: A shitty M16A1 that fires green exploding onion rings instead of bullets. Only available in Zombies.

Apocalypse[edit]

The final DLC for BO2! (Thank goodness) Since Treyarch had only 2 months to shit this abomination out, they retextured two older maps. Lazy assholes.

  • Dig: Courtyard map from WaW, full of Snipers (Read: Quickscopers) and FAL-OSW Targetfinder campers.
  • Pod: A failed 70s future society in Taiwan. Jumping on the pods are fun!
  • Take-off: Like Dig, Takeoff is a remake of a map you've played the shit out of! (Stadium)
  • Frost: A dutch bridge in the red light district.
  • Origins: Since Gayarch still lacks originality, the four characters from BO1 and WaW are back, except now this is before WaW, taking place in World War 1 in Steampunk France with a 1000' tall robot (srsly).

Wildcards[edit]

As mentioned, this is the shit that allows you to carry extra perks/grenades/condoms/goatses

  • Perk 1 greed
  • Perk 2 greed
  • Perk 3 greed
  • Tactician: Swap out a lethal grenade for a tactical one. Pointless as everyone uses grenades and you will be outclassed
  • Danger Close: Opposite of Tactician, you get an extra lethal grenade. Used by the lowest forms of noobs.
  • Overkill: Originally a perk that allows you to have 2 sniper rifles. Awesome.
  • Primary fighter: Take 3 attachments for primary. Nobody really cares that you can bling your gun with Long barrel, Folding stock and Fast mags.
  • Secondary fighter: Take another secondary attachment. All you need is dual wield.


Perks[edit]

Tier 1[edit]

  • Lightweight - Run faster like the pussy you are.
  • Flak Jacket - Protection from RPGs and 'nade spam.
  • Blind Eye - Air support can't fuck you up. Awesome, right?
  • Hardline - Earn killstreaks with one less kill, only used to turn maps into a shitstorm with UAV spam.
  • Ghost - Actually you have to be moving to be invisible from UAV, and even then you get detected by the Niggerbird. Possibly the one and only step in the right direction to eliminate campers.

Tier 2[edit]

  • Scavenger - Pick up enemy equipment and explosives. Seriously, why the fucking fuck don't you do this in the first place?
  • Fast Hands - Throw grenades and swap weapons faster. Who exactly would benefit from this perk again?
  • Coldblooded - Campers will largely benefit from this.
  • Hardwire - Copypaste of Assassin Pro from MW3.
  • Toughness - Flinch less when shot, pointless due to the quickscoping assholes and shotgunners that kill you in 1 shot.

Tier 3[edit]

  • Dexterity - Climb walls faster.
  • Awareness - Hear playes from far away,usless as everyone will not move.
  • Dead Silence - Same as in other games.
  • Engineer - Re-roll care packages and booby trap care packages. Troll your teammates by re-rolling their care package when they get high killstreaks in them.
  • Extreme Conditioning - Run longer,pointless as everyone camps.
  • Tactical Mask - Remember that perk that defended from that stupid fart gas in Black Ops 1? Well this bondage equipment is back to protect from all tactical grenades as pro unlocks aren't available.

Scorestreaks[edit]

  • UAV: Oh you'll never guess what this does after seeing it in every game since CoD4. This piece of portable turd is the most powerful Scorestreak by far. Try to be invisible, good luck shitting bricks.
  • RC-XD: The nuke on wheels from Fag Ops that caused much rage and lulz is back. Hot Wheels edition.
  • Hunter Killer Drone: Paper plane with C4 on it that magically homes in on enemies to kill them.
  • Care package: As with the UAV, it's the same shit from MW2 onward. Comes with UAV, if a SWARM is there, don't bother. That cunt teammate will use his engineer class to change it.
  • Counter-UAV: Fuck up the radar when the Orbital VSAT is in.
  • Guardian: A random big ass piece of shit on a tripod that will microwave your brains out upon a radius of 2 inches.
  • Lightning Strike: The Mortar team from World at War. It kills even more now.
  • Hellstorm Missile: A huge rocket that shits out other rockets to sweep the map of all Call of Duty players.
  • Sentry Gun: Gee Treyarch, you really caught people off guard with originality. YOU CANT KILL THEM IN 1 HIT WITH YOUR KNIFE ANYMORE HOLY SHIT. Can be remote controlled for lulz.
  • Stealth Chopper: Nobody uses this, a bit strange as it is invisible on radar and is a fucking insta-kill.
  • War Machine: Automatic Grenade Launcher Fire many grenades into one place for guaranteed lulz.
  • Death Machine: A motherfucking Minigun. That is all.
  • AGR: A small Assault Drone from MW3. Can be remote controlled for lulz.
  • Warthog: A jet that strafes over the map and kills everyone that dares to stand 10 feet from the doors. Useless on certain maps, lulzy on others. It sounds like 2 elephants having some serious hardcore sex, literally.
  • Orbital VSAT: The Niggerbird is back!
  • EMP: Redundant, since there's an EMP grenade.
  • Lodestar: Shoots at least 100 lodes of cum onto the map.
  • VTOL Warship: Chopper Gunner from MW2.
  • Attack Dogs: You'll never know what this scorestreak does, don't even bother guessing because you're too stupid to comprehend what it is.
  • Swarm: Futuristic wave of paper planes with bombs that swarm the map and buttrape all enemies. Pretty much like the Nuke from MW2 because it ends the game in atleast 5 seconds due to the river of tears from butthurt players being spawn killed over and over again by the paper planes.

Weapons[edit]

All anyone usually cares about.

Single Player and Zombies only weapons[edit]

  • AK-47: As every game from CoD4 onwards needs it's terrorist/nationalist weapon of choice, this faggy piece of shit returns to blow loads in the player's face.
  • M16A1: Such an uncommon weapon, Treyarch. At least this gun only appears in the '80s flashback missions and is replaced by the SCAR-H in campaign.
  • Galil: Treyarch includes a weapon that no military in the world uses IRL. (Even the Israeli army doesn't use this poorly designed, horrendously constructed piece of shit. They knew they fucked up, so they sold all of the Galils they packaged together to a bunch of African militias which thought they were getting a good deal at typical Israeli prices)
  • FAL: Moar like Fail, amirite?
  • M14: That same Rifle that has so much recoil it makes you look like a retard doing a backflip while shooting returns to fend off the evil Z-menace.
  • STG44: Reskinned AK47 that only appears in Zombie mode.
  • Uzi: Only used by Niggers in Singleplayer and in Mob of the Dead in Zombies where it has a gimped magazine size, but a fuckton of reserve ammo.
  • MP5: 9mm piece of shit first seen in CoD4, returns for Black Cocks 2 Zombie mode and campaign use only.
  • AK74u: Yep, Gayarch somehow found a way to incorporate the Rapemachine-74u in BO2, just for zombies and solo play though so trolls and noobs are denied the chance to cause rage.
  • M1927 "Tommy Gun": Awesome Zombies mode SMG from Mob of the Dead. Comes with near bottomless ammo supply, but the fire rate empties the magazine so fast that you need to set aside points for it.
  • MP40: Despite the fact that Origins takes place 20 years before this shit was even designed and produced, the MP40 is back since Treyarch probably couldn't think of making an era-specific weapon. Remind you guys of Black Ops?
  • M60: Used by Nicaraguan Drug cartel members trying to fuck you in the ass in SP. Shares it's firing sound with the Mk48
  • RPD: The MG that you could generate so much rage by camping with in CoD4 and MW2 returns for zombies, whore kills with this thing to generate lulz in Grief.
  • MG08/15: Players can move around, knife one handed, sprint and jump with this 31 pound gun. Unlike most weapons it is one of the only WW1 authentic weapon to appear in Origins, given it takes place in WW1. Actually surprising given Treyarch's reputation for anachronisms.
  • Dragunov: Moar liek Fagunov amirite? Has rubber furniture so it's exactly like it's military issue IRL counterpart!
  • Barret M82A1: Unlike Infinity Whore'd, Gayarch refers to the .50cal rifle by it's designated number. Only used by Woods to unknowingly pwn Mason and in Zombie mode, where it surprisingly is a piece of shit.
  • Olympia: Double Barrel with the effective range of a belch. Only returns for Zombies and Single player because it's too fucking useless for it's second iteration. Go through the campaign using only this weapon, on all levels. Have fun!
  • SPAS-12: Copied and pasted from MW2. No seriously it has the exact same model only being Semi-automatic.
  • Makarov: Used by Soviets in Afghanistan in a flashback, never seen anywhere else.
  • Browning High Power: M1911 Rip off but with a larger magazine capacity.
  • Mauser C96: A Steampunk version of the M712 Broomhandle pistol, replaces the M1911 for the Starting pistol of Zombies in Origins map.
  • M1911: The series' signature handgun. Used by Mason and in Zombie mode.
  • Python: Like in MW3, apparently 1 revolver wasn't enough. Only used in Zombie mode.
  • Remington New Model Army: PRETEND YOU'RE A COWBOY WITH AN AUTHENTIC WILD WEST WEAPON! Despite the fact that it only fired single action, Treyarch in their signature sign of stupidity made it a double action pistol. Appears only in Buried.

Primary[edit]

Assault Rifle[edit]

The first few weapons are single player exclusive, meaning all /k/ommmandos don't have to piss themselves over anachronisms or out of production shit.

  • MTAR: The Magnificent Tiny Arab Nation Rapist. Unlike the Galil, the Israel military uses the Tavor IRL. A copy n' paste from MW2
  • Type 25: Treyarch pandering to the AZN fanbase by including more gook fire-power. Its firing sound is also used for the AK-47, M8A1, STG-44 and the Galil.
  • SWAT-556: 3 round burst piece of shit. Only good with full-auto Select fire.
  • FAL OSW: It's the exact same thing as the FAL, but with a shorter barrel. Once was able to generate massive lulz with the full-auto Select Fire attachment at close range but Gayarch nerfed it.
  • M27: The signature weapon of the MUHREENS.
  • SCAR-H: Also cunt pasted from MW2.
  • SMR: When teh AUG and M14 have sex. It's semi-auto so you can bet your ass you will miss.
  • M8A1: Nazi-trash, CoD protocol dictates at least one per title.
  • AN-94: The 'future' version of the AK-47, even though this gun was created in 1994. Treyarch doesn't even model the 2 round burst that makes this gun good, either. Oh and it's a last level unlock, too! Actually now that Prestige Tokens allow extra level 1 unlocks now you can use it for the rest of your gaming life on this shit and there is now more incentive to Prestige! Recently got its power nerfed. Still overused.
Submachine Gun[edit]
  • MP7: Treyarch typically makes Nazitrash overpowered despite being comprised of Jewish game developers, but they somehow took the already overpowered MP7 from MW3 and turned it into the ultimate gun that screams, "I'm an asshole" to all other players in the lobby. Comes with a quicker reload time, high damage and recoil which turns this gun into a headshot machine.
  • PDW-57: Fictional. Originally was made of hax like the P90 but got nerfed to shit, now it's the worst SMG in the game.
  • Vector K10: CTRL+C and CTRL+V from MW2 but with "K10" on the end. That is all.
  • MSMC: Treyarch actually made a Jew-zi variant that didn't suck dick. (Wait, what?) Kills in 3 hits with a good ROF but sucks at long range! It also got nerfed so it has the hipfire of an LMG and heavy recoil. Now everyone uses the MP7 or Skorpion EVO, still the Profags use this weapon in OMGZ PRO COMPETITIVE TOURNAMENTS!!11one!!11.
  • Chicom CQB: Bullpups are becoming more common, now there's a bullpup SMG. Its a Chink commie gun too, hence the designation Chicom.
  • Skorpion Evo III: Hueg as fuck rate of fire. The favored gun of everyone because the PDW-57 got nerfed.
  • Peacekeeper: It's a lightweight assault rifle with recoil that makes the MW2 ACR look like the damn F2000. It's been used by every-fucking-one since the first map pack came out. Seriously, there is not 1 match where you won't find a whining little bitch camping with it.
Light Machine Gun[edit]
  • Mk48: CTRL+C and CTRL+V from MW3 with "48" instead of 46 at the end.
  • QBB LSW: Pretty much the decrepit, fatter, and handicapped version of the Type 25. Has incredibly high rate of fire.
  • LSAT: Prototype weapon no country uses because it is shit is, according to Gayarch, the standard piece of shit for the marines. Commonly seen in all gamemodes with a Target Finder attached to it.
  • HAMR: Pretty much the daddy SCAR-H that shoots the first 7 rounds of each burst fast as fuck but the shots fired after have a slower ROF so it can blow cum more accurately. Just fire in bursts.
Sniper Rifle[edit]
  • SVU-AS: Retarded WA-2000/Dragunov replacement. Combine with laser sight and ACOG scope for a better rifle than the FAL OSW and the SMR. Reuses the FAL's firing sound.
  • DSR 50: A bolt-action for more quickscope kills. The funny thing is is that this weapon is an insta-kill when shot practically anywhere, so Gayarch has helped the quickscopers they despise. It recently got it's bolt action fire rate reduced even more to curb the amount of quickscopers online. In response to this, every single 10 year old and basement dweller fag threatened Vonderhaar's life and said they'd rape his family. Of course, this happens all the time. However, they did it over Vonderhaar doing his job. It's no wonder every one else thinks the CoD fanbase are a bunch of cry babies.
  • Ballista: Another bolt-action rifle because nothing screams realistic combat like running towards your victim, spinning around 360 degrees or what ever and shooting them in the face with a Sniper meant for long range combat. It also had its fire rate slightly reduced. The result of this of course, led to the greatest bitch-out the CoD franchise had ever seen.
  • XPR-50: Another semi-auto. Use with a silencer to turn into sniper jesus. Or you could run around with the Laser Sight attachment and utterly rape people with it like the SVU-AS.
Shotgun[edit]
  • R-870 MCS: The token pump action. Has insanely long range that can be increased with "Long barrel". Can only be used with a good connection, unless you go from a rape machine to a hitmarker machine.
  • S12: Copy of the USAS-12 from MW3. The only remotely useful shotgun despite it's weaker range. Just use long barrel and trigger tap to clear an entire room. Still, you'd need Long Barrel.
  • KSG: Bullpup shotgun from MW3. Fires a gigantic slug for rape at longer ranges. But you will miss. Always.
  • M1216: Burst fire shotgun. Retarded rotating barrel to fire off the next 4 shells in the tube.

Secondary[edit]

Handguns[edit]
  • Five-Seven: M9 Beretta replacement. Like the Amazingly Shitty Pistol from Black Cocks is that it comes with a magazine taped to your glove, allowing for fast reloads. And guess what? It has virtually no recoil and does as much damage per bullet as a typical Assault rifle. This pistol is made of hax.
  • Tac-45: Basically a 10 round, low recoil magnum.
  • B23R: 3 round burst piece of shit. Can pwn people from miles away, even with Dual Wield.
  • The Executioner: A revolver that shoots 28 gauge shotgun shells, actually this thing is weak at any other range unless you're two feet away, and if you're two feet away why don't you just use the damn knife? Like the S12 is only usable with Long Barrel and Fast Mags. The only thing this "Executioner" is going to execute is You for being stupid enough to use such a shitty weapon.
  • KAP-40: Futuristic Machine Pistol. Can also pwn people from miles away despite its recoil.
Launcher[edit]
  • SMAW: Free fire or lock on fuckstick nobody really uses.
  • FHJ-18 AA: Good for bringing down score streaks, but you'd be killed while looking like you're watching the birds while doing so.
  • RPG: Modernized RPG. Same thing as the RPG-7 but got nerfed to shit, so it's impossible to use.

Grenades[edit]

Lethal[edit]
  • Frag: Rendered obsolete by Semtex.
  • Semtex: An adhesive grenade that you'll hear detonating almost as much as Claymores.
  • Combat Axe: A hatchet that sounds badass when you throw it. You will always miss and get raped.
  • Bouncing Betty: Or 'Buttsecks Bitch', launches into the air and explodes, raping everyone. To be an asshole, place this on stairs where crouching or proning won't save you unless you have Flak Jacket.
  • C4: Actually more useful than Semtex.
  • Claymore: Renders Bouncing Betties obsolete.
Tactical[edit]
  • Flashbangs: Ghey, doesn't do shit.
  • Black Hat: Hack enemy shit and troll the enemy team.
  • Shock Charge: Stun your enemies. Get raped by those with Tactical Masks.
  • EMP Grenade: OP as fuck. Will disable your equipment through walls. Seriously.
  • Smoke grenade: Causes butthurt on Hardcore due to the slight damage on detonation.
  • Concussion grenade: Does more shit than the Flashbangs. Makes the victim a free target since the only thing they can do is blindly spray.
  • Tactical Insertion: Boosting. That is all.

Other shit[edit]

  • Combat Knife: Because players can survive 10 bullets in the face but die by a knife to the feet. Super realistic, right? Only used if you clear your inventory of all weapons. Can have shitty camo applied to it.
  • Assault shield: Upgraded Downgraded Riot shield. It's not even a weapon. Can be placed down in front of you to give you some movable cover though. More than likely you'll get shot to shit and die while trying to use it.
  • Ballistic Knife: Used by the Soviets in the first cold war. Why is this back? Protip: Set up a private match, set health to %200, and have fun raping everyone as this thing kills enemies even with twice their standard health.
  • Crossbow: Samefaggotry from Black Ops 1. Has 3 bolts in 1 magazine to hide how much ass it sucks. Protip: Use this with the tri-bolt attachment (Fires all 3 bolts at once in a triangular fashion) with Scavenger and treat this like a shotgun. HAHAHA
  • Target Finder: An optic that allows all enemies at range without Coldblooded to be highlighted, even with Coldblooded as you can still be spotted, you're just less obvious. With out question the most overpowered attachment in the game. Commonly seen with an FAL OSW/LSAT/HAMR attached to it.
  • Red Dot sight/ACOG Scope/EOtech sight: Nobody uses these due to the Target Finder.
  • Dual-band Scope: Also known as the Thermal scope from MW2, commonly seen on retards who use the SVU-AS.
  • Silencer: The preferred attachment of those who use the MSMC/MP7/PDW-57.
  • Fast Mags: The utterly shit replacement of Sleight of Hand perk. Cannot be used with Extended Chodes.
  • Laser Sight: Now you can pretend you're in a Star Wars film with laser weapons! PEW PEW!
  • Adjustable Stock: Replacement of the Stock-er perk from MW3. Move faster while aiming down sights.
  • Quickdraw Handle: Not available on Sniper Rifles. With all the quickscoping there still is, not much of a difference has been made.
  • Rapid Fire: Bolster the rate of fire on LMGs and SMGs to stupidly high rates and empty your magazine without hitting the broad side of a barn, like Stormtroopers.
  • Extended Mags: Used if you are about as accurate as the Stormtroopers themselves.
  • Grip: It increases your center speed, not decreasing recoil, so it sucks.
  • Select Fire: Switch between burst/semi auto and full auto fire for SMGs and Assault Rifles. Combine with the SMR and head into close range for lots of fun!
  • Grenade Launcher: This thing, in light of MW2, has been nerfed to COMPLETE shit, requiring 2 point blank hits to shave off half your enemy's health. It only gets worse for this attachment with Flak Jacket.
  • Long Barrel: Increase the shit maximum range of your pistol/Shotgun/SMG. Only useful for the S12 and Executioner.
  • Iron Sights: Only usable on the Ballista, since it was the only Sniper that could have this attachment and be balanced. If the DSR-50 had this attachment, the Quickscoper rate would skyrocket and the XPR-50 and the SVU-AS with this attachment would render the FAL OSW and SMR obsolete.
  • Ballistic CPU: Less sway on your sniper scope. Useful on the XPR-50 or SVU-AS.
  • Variable Zoom: Copypasta from the first Black Ops.
  • Dual Wield: Combine with the KAP-40 for lulz.
  • Tactical Knife: Run around the map like a nigger chasing after watermelons! After all, it's a completely plausible and realistic tactic used by actual military operators who certainly don't get shot to shit by Heavy Machine guns.
  • Tri-Bolt: Only usable on the Crossbow, fire all 3 shots in 1 magazine in a spreading Triangle formation. Best used as a shotgun in this case.


Typical Online Match[edit]

90% of all Black Ops 2 images are penises.

Even we here at ED commit samefaggotry like Act-jew-vision, so here is what will happen if you go from the lobby around the board.

Your team[edit]

  • You
  • Split-screen fag
  • Split-screen fag
  • AFK
  • Trickshotting fucktard trying (and failing) to do montage videos.
  • Someone that is actually doing slightly above average but rage quits the game because his team fucking sucks.

Enemy team[edit]

  • Peacekeeper camper.
  • LSAT camper with a Target Finder.
  • DSR-50/Ballista Quickscoper with Tactical Insertion next to spawns.
  • AN-94 camper with a Combat Knife instead of a secondary for more shit.
  • MSMC rushing try-hard.
  • Remington 870 MCS rushers/campers.

When all is said and done, the enemy team wins. It still amazes us you haven't done it yet.

Trolling Multiplayer[edit]

Just like the previous Call of Duty games, this is the only thing Black Cocks 2 is remotely good for.

  • Mention Battlefield 4 in any way shape or form and how it's gonna be better (or hell, Battlefield 3 for that matter).
  • Same with Halo 4. Extra lulz if you get into a pissing match on what franchise is better and then they start teamkilling you.
  • Go into hardcore and grief the fuck out out of players with the RPG. Bonus points if you kill off your whole team in Search and Destroy.
  • Corner people with Riot Shields or block doorways with em.
  • Camp your ass off with the Boyfriend Finder.
  • Mic spam with the nearest gay porn you have.
  • Run next to someone that you know is using Ghost and/or a silenced weapon and randomly spray your gun everywhere.
  • If you just so happen to be in a Nuketown 2025 Demolition game, use LMGs and spawn camp the enemy because it's the only remotely useful way to get the Nuclear medal (30 impossible gun kills) as Shotgunners and quickscopers prevent any chance of you going on a long killstreak.

Zombies[edit]

  • NOTE: This is the only part of the game even remotely worthwhile purchasing.

It looks like Treyarch finally shrugged of their ADHD tendencies and are focusing on making the Zombie mode better for the players!

And Gayarch bashed it in with a hammer, as you can't even run 6 meters before being set on fire by lava pooling out of the ground!

For the enjoyment of the consumers, Treyarch introduces all new gamemodes! That are complete shit. But hey! It's better than Multiplayer and Singleplayer right?

  • Classic/Survival: Same bullshit from World at War and Black Cops, you're trapped in a room with up to four of your faggy friends and kill zombies and shit by holding down the fire button until you commit suicide out of boredom.
  • Grief: Lulzy new addition that features multiplayer with zombies in the mix. Basically a team tactical but with Zombies. Troll the opposing team by hording the Mystery box and leading your rape trains to them.
  • Turned: Play as 3 zombies and 1 survivor! Ripoff of infected from Halo!

Perks[edit]

  • Niggernog: Makes you stronger. Useless as you die if you go near the lava or you get raped by over 9000 zombies.
  • Speed Coke: Perk for faster fapping.
  • Double Fap 2.0: The funny thing about DF 2.0 is that 1 bullet is turned into 2 bullets mid air, and each shotgun pellet in shotguns are doubled, so it doubles the damage your gun does but still wastes ammo faster. The power doubling doesn't work on the Ray Gun or any Rocket Launchers so just stick with at least 1 bullet/shell firing weapon.
  • Dick Revive: Useless in Multiplayer. Awesome on Solo. Overrated by newfags.
  • Kidneystone Soda: An actually useful perk! Allows you to collect your shit after you die by going to the spot you died and collect your weapons and perks. Also comes with bullshit redneck music as you gulp the cum down.
  • Mule Shit: This time you can use three times the dildos.
  • Who's whore?: Spiritual successor to Kidneystone soda. You get downed and you come back as a ghost to revive yourself. Get downed and both of you need to get revived.
  • Deadshit Dogqueeri: It's great for all the dumbasses who need help to use the fucking gun sights.
  • Electric Cherry: Pwns any zombies around you when you reload. You get to live for days with this baby. Too bad the charge lasts for 3 seconds so if you don't have Speed Coke you still get zombie raped.
  • PhD Crapper: You dolphin dive and completely shoop the zombies in your radius.
  • Stammin' Shit: Run away farther and faster like the pussy you are.
  • Vulture AIDS: Also a pretty useful perk like Kidneystone Soda. Allows you to collect ammo and points from zombies you killed, zombies are highlighted in the distance and you can see the Mystery Box's/off wall weapons/perks locations.

Maps[edit]

  • Nuketown Zombies: Crappy remake of the Noobtown map from Black Oops for zombies. You play as either silent MUHREENS or Men in Black. Seriously.
  • Bus Stop: Shitty TranZit map that can be standalone in Survival, good luck trying to survive when all you have is the shit M14 and Olympia, no perks and just a Mystery Box.
  • Diner: Nobody plays this map because of Turned being an absolute awful game mode. Nobody.
  • Town: The best survival map. Comes with Pack-a-Punch and all that shit. Too bad if you try and step 1 meter you are set on fire.
  • Farm: Not as good as Town but at least you get perks and and a Mystery Box.
  • Die Rise: Climbing on the roofs and elevators is fun! Get pwned by being squished like a pancake by elevators going to the top floor and infinite ways to troll.
  • Mob of the Dead: Go back to the era where being Italian meant you were a gangster instead of a guido.
  • Buried: A town Clint Eastwood raped a woman in somehow buried underneath a mining facility in the space of AIDS. Comes with a 10 feet tall giant who helps you when you feed it candy and Liquor, and a ghost woman who rapes you and steals all your points, and you can do nothing about it.
  • Origins: Apparently the Original characters didn't meet in a disease ridden swamp. The Power Generators are goddamn impossible to start up, compounded by high health knight zombies teleporting in to rape you and the Panzer Soldat Zombie, a large zombie with scuba gear that traps you in his claws so nearby zombies get to rape you, with out question the most frustrating map ever. If you finish the impossible Easter Egg challenge, you find out that this entire storyline was a made up story on a rainy day by 2 IRL kids and future serial killers. Yep, this entire zombie mode was a made up game that didn't have any relevance what so ever. You may begin crying now.


Wonder Weapons[edit]

  • Ray Gun: Because a plastic toy shooting green exploding onion rings is more effective than Bazookas with effective ranges of 2 meters outside the blast and up to 100 meters with shrapnel.
  • Ray Gun Mark II: Because we really needed another Sci-Fi plastic piece of shit. At least it's available for all the other maps once you get it. It penetrapes multiple zombies and fires in 3-round bursts.
  • Thrustodynamic blaster: A literal piece of junk. Craft it from parts that are too fucking impossible to find and it breaks down after several uses, requiring you to find the parts all over again
  • Sliquifier: Shoot purple colored cum to slow down zombies! Zombies die on direct contact with shot!
  • Blundergat: A 5 barrel shotgun. 1 shell means all 5 shots are fired at once. Reminds one of a certain sawed-off. Can actually be upgraded.
  • Death Machine: In Mob of the Dead you get this thing out of the mystery box. You move like a fucking slug, with a reload that takes forever.
  • Paralyser: A hueg hunk of metal that freezes zombies and kills them. Doesn't use ammo, and can be used indefinitely but needs to recharge after killing too many zombies at once.
  • Elemental Staffs: Craft 4 giant rods that fire different weather related elements for rape. Ice, Fire, Wind and Electricity are the 4 flavors they come in, folks.

Trolling[edit]

General[edit]

  • Throw a Monkey bomb at the Mystery box or next to a downed player!
  • If your teammates are a bunch of stupid motherfuckers and you are the only one left, run straight into the horde with a grenade cooked. Make sure to show on theater mode!
  • Throw EMP grenades when somebody uses the mystery box or Pack-a-Punch machine. Don't forget to record.

TranZit[edit]

  • Pick up any part for the Jet Gun and don't add it on!
  • Make sure to add the roof access ladder to the bus instead of the diner to deny your teammates galvaknuckles!

Die Rise[edit]

  • Place a Trample-Steam device near a ledge and wait for a player to step on it. Bonus points if they have the Sliquifier or Pack-a-Punched guns.
  • Shoot the sliquifier near a drop and have teammates slide off the edge.
  • Trap teammates in a corner and down both of you!

Mob of the Dead[edit]

  • Hog the last plane piece from your allies, or put it on when nobody is on the roof and leave for the Pack-a-Punch. Deny them their guns and their achievement/trophy for massive lulz.
  • Revive someone while they are intentionally in the afterlife.
  • Trap your teammates in the same room with George A. Romero Brutus the Nightguard Zombie.

Buried[edit]

  • Buy the LSAT off the wall first. Prepare for lulz if playing with Pro-fags.
  • Open and enter the Haunted House when nobody is watching. Don't forget to record.
  • Use the Timebomb when someone gets a good weapon out of the mystery box to travel back in time. More lulz if they don't get the weapon again. Maximum lulz if they die before getting their shit back.

Origins[edit]

  • Unless your teammate has Stammin' shit, trap them in a pit of mud and watch them get stepped on by one of the Giant Robots.
  • Pick any random staff. Prepare for epic lulz.
  • Lure the Panzer Soldat zombie into a player running a rapetrain.

AnonOps?[edit]

Say "Hi" to the 'bad guy'...
   
 
#Anonymous featured in new COD Black Ops 2 trailer - http://bit.ly/JRr521 Hijack ALL the drones! (srsly...we're kidding DHS),
 

 
 

Twitter-favicon.png YourAnonNews

   
 
TRAILER: COD Black Ops 2 featuring #Anonymous - http://bit.ly/JRr521 Hack ALL the things!! But seriously, nice attempt to stay relevant.
 

 
 

Twitter-favicon.png YourAnonNews


See also[edit]

External Links[edit]


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