Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare

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Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare is a first person shooter war simulation that has been hailed one of the most realistic war shooters evar!!!111. Though highly popular in sales and continued usage, CoD4 has been continuously panned by critics who find their pathetic inability to have a positive kill death ratio against a game population of 12 year olds to be sufficient reason to call the game bad.

The realism even extends to:

  • A dozen guys taking on every ultra nationalist psycho in Zakhaev's pocket...and winning.
  • Dogs taking a 5.56x45mm round to the skull and getting up as if you had only nudged them.
  • Rabid dogs falling from the ceiling.
  • Dirty Arabs that can shoot the top inch of your head with an AK-47 from four hundred meters while firing with full auto on
  • Dumbass marines thinking they're the shit by using shotguns at long range.
  • Enemies calling in backup units out of brick walls.
  • Firing the Desert Eagle at speeds even the Terminator could not accomplish without breaking his fucking wrist.
  • Taking a point-blank Desert Eagle shot to the face, and living.
  • Killing someone by hitting them in the man boobs with a flashbang.
  • Knives that can penetrate through a player and hit the wall behind them, yet not kill them (oh wait, that's just the shitty engine they keep re-using).
  • Lots of grenades - just like in a real war!
  • Magic helicopter deflection shields that can block Stinger missiles.
  • Respawning helicopter gunners and invincible pilots.
  • Taking down a helicopter with a 9mm pistol.
  • "Perks" that give the player special abilities, such as shitting out grenades after being buttraped.
  • Running while firing the Barrett .50cal.
  • Surviving a shot from the Barrett .50cal to the chest, but dropping dead after being grazed on the foot by a knife.
  • Shitty AI that has no real tactic other than shooting and raping you.
  • Teammates who will NEVER die and who don't do shit
  • Shotguns that are incapable of killing someone from a range of 4 meters, even though the effective kill range for most shotguns is 90 meters.
  • Switching weapons fast enough (<1 second lolwut) to kill someone who has already pumped several hundred pieces of lead into your worthless body.
  • Taking several rounds to the face, ducking for ten seconds, and coming back up unharmed, or taking one 9mm round to the foot and dying in Hardcore mode.
  • Unusually large amount of gore.


As you can tell, the folks at Infinity Whored must have put hundreds of hours of work into making only the most top quality and long-lasting game they could. So what do you get for your $60 $25 because the 5th grader's allowance is getting lower. Four gut-bustingly hilarious hours of watching yourself try to scramble over objects that are only three feet high and failing miserably. When you get to the end, it's a rip-snorting good time as you shoot at Russians from the back of a truck while speeding along the highway at 120 MPH.

What? It's an action-packed game, it doesn't have time to be even remotely playable!

"Plot"[edit]

Infinity Ward decided to take a different step into a actual story line rather than random warfare. They start the game off with getting the player familiar with the British Special Air Service soldiers first, going through training. Player switches identities between Sgt. Soap Mactavish (apparently a Muppet who somehow passed inspection) and Sgt. Paul Jackson (who no one cares about cause he gets fucking pwned by a nuke). The actual game (not the bullshit training) starts in a boat in the middle of the ocean. You assault it, and shit goes wrong as usual, and being Call of Duty, they have to make some kind of epic ending to the first mission.

After this the next "mission" see's you playing as President Al Falani, leader of some sand nigger country, nothing happens except the new sand nigger leader, Al Asad shoots you in the face with a Desert Eagle live on national television. The following missions see you playing as Americunts trying and failing to find Al-Asad, though they get to kill a load of sandniggers so the time was not wasted. Some other shit happens and then the americunts get pwned by a russian nuke.

The US marines and the SAS team up and find Al-Asad, Price proceeds to rape him in his hairy arab asshole to find out where the nuke came from before getting bored and shooting him through the head. Then you go back in time and play as Price as he shoots Zakhaev's arm off. Towards the end of the game you chase Zakhaev's son, but he becomes an hero before you can capture him. This causes Zakhaev to RAGE so hard he shoots nuclear warheads at america. Then Infinity decides to really rush the character to the end of the detonation, and the finale starts. Soap gets on a super epic truck shoot out (much like a ripoff of time zone, and the original CoD) all the way to the end. Dumbass truck drivers didn't see that the russian helicopter didn't actually bugger off, but was going to shoot out the bridge. There's another one of the hundreds of shootouts and your character is downed.

The nigger drags you from cover into the crossfire, and he ends up being the first one to get shot (filling the requirement that the nigger must always die). After that, you lie on the ground watching your fellow squad get fucked in the ass by the ultra-nationalists. As you're bleeding out, Price slides his M1911 .45 pistol too you and you fucking pwn Zakhaev and his two gimps with it, as the game ends you see a russian punching Price in the chest and everyone lives happily ever after.

Characters[edit]

Sgt. John 'Soap' MacTavish[edit]

The playable character in all but two of the Britfag missions and like all playable characters is a complete mute leading to very stupid one sided conversations. A fucking new guy Scot in the 22nd SAS (Speshul Ass Service) Regiment who serves under Captain Price and Gaz. He is homosexual and lives on Sesame street.

Theories on why he is called Soap:

  • 1. He is a muppet who somehow passed selection.
  • 2. He smells good.
  • 3. He always drops the soap when showering with the other men.
  • 4. He cleans things.
  • 5. IW thought they were being clever by making a pun on the idiom "the price of soap."
The original Captain Price, locked up and being a faggot POW.

Captain John Price[edit]

A playable character in two of the Britfag missions, though he is only a crappy leftenant when you play as him and you cannot order anyone around. A time-traveling demon who became a Captain within the 22nd SAS regiment. He has previously appeared in the world war 2 set original Call of Duty and Call of Duty 2 games as a seemingly homosexual British officer. While no one gives a fuck about him, in England all CoD players think he is awesome and spend most of the single player mode looking at his mustache, because WWII CoD doesn't have any real storyline, just random events with no character progression whatsoever. In fact, most players don't even know the name of the guy they are playing as.

Gaz[edit]

Captain Price's apparent second in command, probably just some random English hobo pulled in off the street and conscripted into the SAS as he appears to have no military rank or proper full name. He is a general badass, though he gets fucked in the skull by a .50 Desert Eagle at the end. His voice is so cool he is resurrected so he can be the voice announcer for the SAS in multiplayer mode.

Captain MacMillan[edit]

A pretty cool Scottish guy, he's so cool he doesn't even need a first name. Though he has to let Englishman Leftenant Price be the shooter in their sniper team because his hands are covered in deep-fried Mars Bar and are shaking too much.

Captain MacMillan Facts

  • 1. Is God's favorite cock suck.
  • 2. Could actually take on all the dogs on his own but was afraid Price would die.
  • 3. His dick is a .50 caliber sniper rifle, he cut it off to join the military.
  • 4. When his legs are broken, he can be used as a sentry-gun, often killing less people than small pox.
  • 5. No one cares about him either

Sgt. Paul Jackson[edit]

Random mute retard US marine who is the playable character in the Americunt missions and serves under Lt. Vasquez. Nobody cares about him because he is half-nigger and is controlled by a worthless nerd (i.e. you). He gets nuked halfway through the game, limps around for a bit, finally snuffs it, is immediately forgotten about and never mentioned again.

Paul Jackson

Lt. Vasquez[edit]

Mexican leader of Sgt. Paul Jackson. Gets nuked along with Jackson and dies along with what seems to be all or most of the US Marine's Force Recon except for Staff Sgt. Griggs, but who cares because he's just a fatass, taco eating spic-fuck.

Staff Sgt. Griggs[edit]

Token nigger, acts as the main comic relief of the game by acting like he's still in the inner city ghetto he was inevitably pulled out of, listening to rap music and chowing down on fried chicken and watermelon. Is part of Force Recon until it gets destroyed by the nuke and seems to be the sole surviving member and as such is forced to run to the Britfag SAS. Gets capped in the head and dies while trying to pull a wounded Soap out of cover like the silly nigra he is. As with Gaz he has a pretty kickass voice and also gets brought back to life to be the Force Recon announcer in multiplayer mode. Apparently Infinity Ward's favourite character as they gave him his very own rap song which can be heard during the credits.

Imran Zakhaev[edit]

Some Russiafag crackhead that w̶a̶n̶t̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶ ̶r̶u̶l̶e̶ ̶t̶h̶e̶ ̶w̶o̶r̶l̶d̶! licks Makarov's ass in order to get where he's at now. He doesn't say a word other than in the intro, he lost his fapping arm when he got shot by some bush wearing britfags. Zakhaev is now butthurt so he proceeds to track down the rest of the britfags in the "Game Over" mission to kill them holding a desert eagle in his 1 arm.

Multiplayer[edit]

Last Thursday a video on YouTube was released showing gamers how to fly around the shitty maps and be invincible while doing it, Making it 100x better to fuck with people. Despite being a laggy piece of shit, the game has been played by over ten million people. The game has every twelve-year-old Korean and his dog by the balls, rabidly clinging to their controllers as they blast their 9001st sand nigger. Gameplay consists of either Britfags shooting Russians or Americunts shooting sandniggers. This makes it the perfect game for 13-year-old boys all around the world. For extra fun and lulz, join those 50 player matches in the PC version and just try to play. You'll get so fed up with the spammy 'nading bullshit that you'll just want to an hero.

Another advantage/disadvantage to the game is that in a game of 20 players it has been proven that at least 16/20 players are Polish children under the age of 4 whose balls are so undropped that they are actually inside their own guts. You can also troll bitchy, 15 year-old niggers with prostitute moms, whose only games are Call of Duty 4 and 5 and the rest are rented so they can be an achievement whore and look like they have a large game list.

It's basically like this.
Now imagine this OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN.

Weapons[edit]

Assault Rifles[edit]

The guns that everybody and their mother uses in this game, because most of them are incredibly overpowered and the easiest to use.

M16A4

Unbalanced piece of shit with three round burst fire. If you aren't on crack or retarded this gun can potentially be compared with the shotgun in firepower and at long range too. This gun is commonly used by Profags in pro competitive MLG tournaments. If you want to express your faggotry to a higher level, just use the M16gAy4.

AK-47

AKA: FULL AUTO RAPE MACHINE

Used by filthy Arabs and Russians, the AK does double damage on Americunt /k/ommandos, and kids who leave games when they're not rolled to the American side 'cause they are rednecks. Ideal gun to compliment your salute to communism to anger other players. In reality it would blow a 1cm hole through any part of your body and kill you either instantly or in a couple minutes tops, but not in CoD4, because CoD4 is simply too realistic. You can spray with this and still get someone.

M4 Carbine

Plain generic assault rifle used by fucking everybody because it hardly has any recoil whatsoever and requires 0% skill to use. Infinity Ward got it wrong yet again by calling this an M4 carbine (which is a 3-round burst weapon like the M16gAy4) Instead of an M4A1 carbine which is full-auto. Although, nobody would give a shit about this because everyone that plays this game are fucking retarded dumbass kids.

G3

Gimped in multiplayer to be semi-automatic, which is probably for the best because the high-recoil makes it shit on full-auto anyway. The G3 is a favourite of people who believe that fingers muscles developed to the ability of producing automatic-speed fire with a semi weapon is warranting of respect, when in reality it just shows how much of a fucking loser nerd faggot they are. Despite using the same cartridge as the M14, its recoil is as light as the M4. But then again, research isn't Infinity Ward's strong suit.

M14

Exact same gun as the M21, but without the scope and with 20 round mags instead of the 10 rounders you get with the M21. Like the G3 this gun has to be restrained to semi-auto only because your weak little nerd arms can't handle this manly weapon. Despite being the same weapon as the M21 the M14 has at least 100x more recoil, which along with a famous recoil related bug in the game which causes shots to be placed nowhere fucking near where you were actually aiming and shitty iron sights renders the weapon completely useless. In fact the recoil is so great, you can easily do a back flip with the thing.

G36C

Pretty much the most generic assault rifle you can get, not even worth discussing this weapon, though according to the gun experts at Infinity Ward it is possible to fit an M203 grenade launcher on the underside of this guns short stumpy barrel.

MP44

Elite faggots will argue it is the best gun because you unlock it last, when in reality it is only a tribute to when it used to rape ass in the previous Call of Duty titles (there were CoD games before this one?), and in fact sucks cock. Basically just an AK-47 that you can't put any attachments on. It's the reason why Call of Duty 4 has Modern Warfare branded to it as well. READ:Use this and pretend to be a Nazi, you sick racist fuck.

Sub Machine Guns[edit]

Like assault rifles, but with lesser damage and faster rate of fire. Majority of the maps are SMG dominant and the preferred weapon in the SMG category is the MP5, ignore the Skorpion and Mini-Uzi because you'll just be killing yourself (which is good).

MP5

The generic sub-machine gun. It's the AK-74u but with less recoil and no wall penetration. Like every weapon that is available right from the start it is overpowered and even the more experienced players use it. This is probably the 2nd most powerful gun in the game (behind the M16A4 of course) and will obliterate anyone at close-medium range.

Skorpion

Some piece of crap designed by a dyslexic Czech. Runs out of ammo in 2 seconds and has the lowest damage out of any weapon. In close it lays down the smack, but who gives a shit about close range? To further promote the game's stunning sense of realism, it is possible to move at normal speed and hit targets precisely all the way across the map with it, even though it's basically just a machine-pistol. The only positive thing about this weapon is that you die when you use it.

Mini Uzi

An Israeli sub machine gun recommended for Jews but not recommended for noobs. Gangsta's like to use this with gold camo and a silencer because it makes them look pimp. Though at the end of the day, like the skorpion, is just a machine pistol and thus has massive recoil and shit damage.

AK-74u

The carbine version of the AK-74 assault rifle but is classed as a sub-machine gun because the bastards at Infinity Ward are fucking retarded and don't know shit about guns/ couldn't be assed making a new weapon category for carbines and high-mobility or bullpup rifles. It is classified as a sub machine gun in game although it is really an assault rifle carbine like what the M4 carbine is to the M16A4. Dumb asses think it deals the same amount of damage as the AK-47 because it shows it in the stats. This is entirely false because (A.) The stats are made up and (B.) It is not in the same weapon class.

Is the only submachine gun that shoots through walls, and as such is whored like the AK-47 by every wannabe dickhead who wants to appear as if they're good when they're not.

Another example of Infinity Ward's fail: There is no IRL weapon that looks like the "AK-74u", they based it off an airsoft gun!

P90

Arguably the best SMG available. However, unlike all the other overpowered horseshit nub starter weapons, you actually have to work for this one because it's the last SMG you earn through leveling up. It pretty much shoots rabbit poop all over the place, if you are in a long range fight then just hold a grenade and blow your stupid ass up because there's no point in even bothering since you'll just be missing and reloading all the time due to the shitty iron sight and annoying ass recoil.

Light Machine Guns[edit]

You don't need wall-hacking anymore--these weapons literally do it for you. Find a corner on the map, with Deep Impact and Stopping Power perks, and spam through the walls. You may also notice that the mounted machine guns in single and multiplayer modes are M249 SAW's or RPD's, because apparently simply by mounting an LMG you can instantly turn one into a hyperactive .50 cal heavy machine gun with unlimited ammo. Instead of actually putting Americunt/Britfag Browning M2HB's and Russian/Sandnigger DShK, NSV or KORD mounted machine guns like a better game would.

M249 SAW

Like all weapons in the game, CoD4 fails to accurately represent what firing it would actually feel like. A licence built version of the waffle fucker's FN Minimi light machine gun that the Americunts made shit improved. Acts like a stiff, crappy RPD in game.

RPD

Behind the M16A4 this is the best weapon to get easy kills with. Aim, shoot and you will kill them in a second. Good for camping like the faggot you are. Like the P90, this weapon has fuck-all recoil, despite being almost as powerful as the M14 is. Another gun made of hacks, as victims of your lulz generating RPD-fest will attempt to question your sexual orientation.

M60E4

Fucking heavy piss-awful weapon with the same recoil as that of the Titanic colliding with an iceberg and iron sights which act as a punctured blindfold. Add this scrap of metal of a weapon to another set of dodgy American weapons. Unfortunately unlike the movie Rambo, you will be the one killed more often than you will destroy things or kill other people in the same period of time versus other better weapons.

Sniper Rifles[edit]

The weapon of choice for every faggot teenager who thinks that snipers are the shit, even though in reality they're too big of pussies to fight like real men.

M40A3

Used by every nerdy faggot who thinks they are the shit because they have so much free time on their hands they learnt to quickscope. Always used with an ACOG scope attached because it glitches the weapon into an instant kill regardless of where they shoot someone, like the cheating twats they are.

Dragunov

Pronounced draw-gun-ov, not dragon-ov. Also referred to as the "SVD". According to its stats this has the exact same damage as the M40A3, except really it does about two-thirds as much, which clearly leads to the fact that the devs just made up those stats while jerking their jerkies.

M21

Even though this weapon has not been in service since the Vietnam war, Infinity Ward thinks its still a commonly issued military weapon. When using this gun never use stopping power. It's a sniper rifle, so a headshot insta-kills no matter what and takes two hits anywhere else whether you are using stopping power or not. Combine with sleight of hand and bandolier and run around the map while emptying the entire magazine anytime you see an enemy for superb results.

R700

The Remington 700 Police rifle. It's really just the M40A3 except without the military modifications, which some how makes it more powerful. Its stats say it has almost as much damage as the Barrett .50cal but really does less than the M40A3. Also, it doesn't actually hit the middle of the reticule on occasion. Also, every time you get killed from long range by a camper (i.e. most of the time you'll get killed on large maps), they're using either this or the M40A3.

Barrett .50cal

According to Infinity Ward this weapon has "high mobility", despite weighing about fourteen kilos compared to the "low mobility" 10kg M60E4 LMG which is typical of Infinity Ward (see AK-74u above) after doing some weed (that's why it's the same color at the CoD4 theme) and being impossible to fire when not laying flat on the ground with a heavy duty Bi-Pod nailed to the floor. You can also discharge the entire ten round magazine in two seconds, which would not only be an alternative to automatic shotguns but would literally pull your arm out of its socket. Oh, I forgot. This game is as realistic is Judd Apatow's movies.

Shotguns[edit]

Effectively a fitting representation of the stupidity of the gaming industry--nobody understands that a shotgun has an effective range further than five feet.

W1200

Probably actually has less power than the M1014 IRL, but has more in CoD4 because the devs just assumed it would. A testament to just how misinformative and retarded these games are making teens. Has a fraction of the effective range of the M1014 while being much stronger, because Infinity Ward didn't want it to seem like the auto shotgun is a complete upgrade, even though it is regardless.

M1014

Has its magazine chopped down to four rounds in multiplayer in a vain attempt to try and make the W1200 still look good next to it. Is actually pretty much identical in in terms of power to the W1200 IRL. Infinity Ward couldn't even do a good job making this weapon feel like anything other than a total upgrade, and it's still completely useless because everybody runs around with assault rifles.

Pistols[edit]

All pistols have increasing damage in the order you unlock them and anyone who says otherwise doesn't know jack shit about weapons. A 9mm is not as powerful as a .45 and even Infinity Ward gets that. Also adding silencers does affect damage greatly depending on the range, as with all weapons in CoD4.

M9

Pretty much the crappiest pistol ever made and coincidentally the American standard-issue military sidearm. Very low damage. Some morons think it is the best because it has a fifteen round magazine and is just as powerful as the others (excluding the Desert Eagle).

USP .45

Very good weapon for sniping, extremely accurate from the hip with fast recovery time. When using a shotgun make sure you have this pistol in order to take out snipers from across the map. Also has a twelve round magazine, which is just as good as fifteen.

M1911 .45

Symbolic American pistol that has seen several decades of service yet competing with the shitty M9. Nearly as powerful as the Desert Eagle, but not as effective for close range bullet spamming and has a crap 8 round capacity.

Desert Eagle

An impractically large pistol firing the .50 Action Express round with such a high recoil that it can knock a planet from its orbital path despite requiring two shots to kill some random sandnigger. That's right, two shots to the fucking sternum at a metre away to bring down someone. Doesn't include the extra shots needed to finish off the fag who uses Last Stand and you probably ran out of ammo by then and get finished off yourself. If Infinity ward had done some basic research they would know that no defence force in the world uses this stupid fucking wrist cracker but they were probably too busy with thinking up bullshit plotlines. Simply aim near someone and spam the entire magazine to achieve a kill. Despite being an unwieldy piece of garbage, it has the smallest hipfire reticule of all the pistols, even smaller than the sub machine guns. But wait, if you're a hardcore fag this weapon acts as a pistol-shaped sniping weapon without zoom. This is the funniest pistol to use when you're on Last Stand. Note: Everyone online calls it a DEAGLE, making everyone sound like rednecks even if they are British fags.

Gold Desert Eagle

Profags only get their grubby mitts on this thing at level 55, but they won't have it for long because only retards don't prestige. Exactly the same as a regular desert eagle except its gold plated.

Knife[edit]

Added to save the developers time on making a dedicated melee animation for each weapon. Apparently Infinity Ward thinks a single swipe from a knife is more lethal than getting shot in the head, neck or upper torso two or three times. Use at your own risk, extremely glitched due to shitty engine and lag. Some players can be seen chasing after an enemy for twenty seconds in a desperate attempt to achieve a 1337 knife kill.

Grenades[edit]

Frag Grenade (Moar like Fag Grenade amirite?)

Your primary weapon and you are issued with one no matter what indicating that frags must always be used. It is imperative that you always have frag x3 so you can throw them into the air every life and end up killing about 3 people per match. In search and destroy about half the players are eliminated within ten seconds because of grenade spam. Memorize the maps thoroughly for maximum effectiveness. With a 5 second timer after deploying you aren't going to get anyone, not even campers giving them plenty of time to escape from the toilet except that for slow dumb ass n00b who happens to be wandering aimlessly, cooking it for a few seconds first actually makes it worth using. For some reason Infinity Ward decided lobbing a half pound grenade at someone actually deals damage. Throw grenades at people lying on the ground in Last Stand for extra lulz.

Stun Grenade

Only used for detecting enemies because it deals a small amount of damage and the four tick marks will show up if it hits someone. Actually hampers the enemy's view and movement by forcing them to go into slow-mo, preventing them from aiming at you and allowing you to dance around like a moron before knifing them in the back.

Flashbang

Magical flashbangs that blind fully outfitted SAS troops and penetrate their anti-flash goggles. Whenever someone is hit with one they instantly panic and start shooting wildly, sometimes always killing the person who threw it. Equip with special grenades x3 and spam them like frags to piss off the other team, get a few friends to all do it too to make the other team leave.

Smoke Grenade

Probably the most useful special grenade, just one person throwing a smoke in the middle of the map each life will make all the snipers rage quit. Encourages some people to shoot in them thinking someone is in there but the smoke is so poor in quality not even the most addicted crackhead or smoker would want to go in. Not capable of being used with the special grenade x3 perk to stop retards spamming them everywhere, lagging the fuck out of the server and forcing everyone to fight in a pea soup fog.

Attachments[edit]

Grenade Launcher

(a.k.a:"n00b tube" Pro Pipe) Available on assault rifles, except the MP44 because it's too shitty and old, and takes up your first perk slot. Use this to annoy the fuck out of veterans for the lulz. Get right up close to someone and fire this weapon in their face for superb results. Many online servers greatly discourage the use of this perk, especially on the PC, due to most servers being run by whiny clan-fags but it is a legitimate weapon added into the game after all... Actually one of the greatest attachments of all time creating an excellent gaming experience for others. It's also known for being able to take down choppers.

Red Dot Sight

Available on assault rifles, SMG's, shotguns and LMG's. Most generic attachment there is and is the standard 'go to' attachment when a player has no use for another attachment or is to much of a nub to effectively use another one. In single player you get a beefy Aimpoint CompM2 M68 mil-spec sight as used in IRL militaries by real men. However in multiplayer the developers could not be arsed to render one of these real sights onto each gun so instead you get a flimsy little civilian aperture type sight designed for target shooting, which of course would quickly get smashed in any real combat zone.

Silencer

Available on assault rifles, SMG's and pistols except the Desert Eagle because even Infinity Ward recognizes that someone using a chrome or gold plated .50 Desert Eagle for stealth on a military operation is retarded. Anyone with a basic grasp of gun knowledge will refer to this as a 'sound suppressor' or something similar, only 13 year old boys, film makers and the retards who advocate and pass gun laws call them "silencers" further proving that Infinity Ward is shit. Useless on its own (especially in ground war) because of the constant UAV's. When combined with UAV jammer you will become god because no one will ever be able to find you without their GPS. That is until you realize taking one more bullet to kill everyone WILL get you killed before you can kill anyone. But you can nonetheless be a wannabe modern ninja with that sleek cylindrical attachment. Call of Duty developers also apparently think that the use of a suppressor makes firing a gun sound like a small 'clicking' noise. Anybody who's ever heard a suppressed weapon go off will know that this perception of suppressed guns is utter Hollywood bullshit.

Grip

Available on shotguns and LMG's (and is completely worthless on both). You have to earn this accuracy increasing attachment yourself because the gun manufacturers were too fucking lazy to attach one or even consider it or because you simply are a stupid little prepubescent kid who does not have enough self control. The most bullshit thing about this thing is that it takes up your first tier slot with little to no improvement in any weapon its put on.

ACOG Scope

Available on assault rifles, SMG's (lol ACOG equipped Skorpion), LMG's and sniper rifles. A scope loaded with radioactive tritium which gives your eyes the ability to see further and kills you slowly. Actually adds more idle sway when aiming down the sight making weapons less accurate, this attachment is further made useless by the fact that none of the maps are really big enough to take full advantage of the scope zoom over that of iron sights or a red dot sight, so really is only worth putting on an M40A3 to take advantage of the glitch that turns the weapon into an automatic one shot kill.

Perks[edit]

Call of Duty 4 uses an advanced perk/leveling system that is simplified into "you killed me with x perk, x perk is for n00bs" by the pros that play this game.

Complete Perk List:

Tier 1: Supporting Weapons and Equipment Perks[edit]

C4

Gives you two magic lumps of plastic explosive with unlimited detonation range and somehow does not need to be primed, also sticks to walls, but only if you fap onto it beforehand. Only useful as a grenade but not as good because you can't throw it across the map, but that sniper in that window there is more than willing to receive it.

Claymore

Campers heaven, gives you two directional anti-personnel mines which are damn near impossible to spot until you trigger them. Unless of course you have a fully functional brain and have some experience, at which point you learn to look for those bullshit laser trip wire things sticking out the front of them which makes them become extremely predictable and easy to get around.

RPG

As bad as, if not worse, than the noobtube. It is so modern, that the rockets don't even fly straight. If it did fly straight throughout its effective range, more sand niggers would have survived by firing from a further distance away, but for some reason always hit where you aimed them anyway. Gives you an RPG-7 and two rockets, used by Russians and sand niggers. Excellent for team-killing. Aim and fire at your feet in hardcore mode with a large group of teammates nearby for superb results, equip sonic boom and martyrdom for extra lulz.

3x Special Grenades

You have to throw these everywhere so that you can stun/blind enemies that aren't even there. No smokes though because that would be just plain silly. Use with flashbangs and spam them like regular grenades to piss off the other team, works surprisingly well.

Bandolier

For those perfectionist fags so sexually attached to their gun and can't get enough of it they need an excuse to use it longer by carrying that extra ammo and can't use other guns. Useless to most players as they die before they need the extra ammo.

3x Frag

Randomly throw 'nades everywhere since you might get a kill sometimes. Most useful perk period. Increases your primary weapon (the grenade) by 2. Basically hand them out like doctors' prescriptions because the opposition need it.

Bomb Squad

Another useless perk. By the time you see the symbol that a claymore/C4 is there, you're already dead from its explosion. Only points out explosives that are in plain view, so only little kids with eyesight problems find it somewhat useful.

Tier 2: "Perks to extend your life"[edit]

Stopping Power

This perk is by far the most common, as it is the only perk that actually has any use. You will find that 98.7% of players have this perk while bitching about people who use Juggernaut. Even though both perks cancel each other out, and Stopping Power invariably kills you before you know you're being shot at. Anyone with critical thinking and reasoning skills superior to those of a house cat can see the irony here, but that's sadly far too much to ask of your average CoD4 cockfag. It is not considered common knowledge, but this is the main reason perk system is ruined, because using anything else always puts you at a disadvantage. Without it players might actually start making some original classes and the game could have some variability, of course everyone would probably just use another gay perk without it.

Juggernaut

Increases your health A health hack that angers veterans who expect players to drop after four shots. Makes you cool. USE IT MOAR!!!! (Note that if even one person on your team uses this, the entire opposing team can call all of you Juggernaut noobs.)Makes you invulnerable to otherwise insta-kill weapons, such as snipers and grenades (excluding knife, Because nobody survives a knife in the foot amirite?).

Sonic Boom

Makes your explosive weapons (frag grenades, grenade launchers, RPGs, C4 and Claymores) even moar powerful, if that is even possible. Shitty perk.

Sleight of Hand

This perk converts your character into a tweaker, allowing you to reload at extremely ridiculous speeds. This perk is useful when you are using a light machine guns; spamming the shots everywhere.

Double Tap

Moar liek Double Fap. Masturbate 33% faster.Makes arm hurting 2 minute faps much easier by taking speed.1337 fappers know that the faster the fap the faster the ejaculation process is hurried, but considering 4 wumen evar play this game, pedos can only use this to jack off to the voice of the 13 year olds. This perk is similar to "Martyrdom" as you will cum claymores upon ejaculation. The real function is that it makes ass-sucking weapons not as ass-sucky then only to run out of ammo. 1337 players know that this makes your semi-auto guns fire faster, so make sure you always use it with the G3 and M14. Then die from the enemy's last shot because you ran out of ammo first not to mention it doesn't compensate for your crap aim.

Overkill

Gives your character a much needed intelligence boost reminding him that he could always start off putting away a pistol in a locker room for a larger primary weapon. Instead of having a 1337 assault rifle or SMG with stopping power and a quickly drawn pistol that is just as powerful to finish off juggafags and last stand shitheads, you can carry a crappy assault rifle and a useless sniper that both take an age to switch from one to the other. Useless perk as you can always pick up dead teammate or enemy primary weapons that are always littered around the map to replace your pistol with anyway.

UAV Jammer

Summons a magician who renders you invisible on enemy radar (which can normally see you through walls and concrete). Because all codfags depend on their radar more than anything to find the enemy, this is definitely one of the more useful perks in the game. Even without a silencer it's good.

Tier 3: 'Those annoying perks designed to get cheap kills'[edit]

Extreme Conditioning

Increases the endurance of battle hardened troops of the British Army SAS, US Marine Force Recon, Russian Army Spetsnaz and sandnigger OpFor (who spend most of their time sprinting after camels in order to rape them, giving them great fitness) from being able to sprint from a whole 5 seconds to a whole... 10 seconds, whoop de fucking doo. Crappy perk seeing as according to this game, the cream of the crop of the world militaries couldn't out run a hungry fat kid who just spotted a free buffet. This perk is useless on the PC with the P90 and M21 as they magically grant Extreme Conditioning to the player.

Deep Impact

Allows for penetration on a whole new level. With this perk you are able to reach depths inside your enemy that you didn't think even possible. In no time at all you'll be so far inside the wide gaping asses of the posing gay cock loving men on the other team. Definitely a recommended perk for experimenting 13 year-old boys. There's no female soldiers in CoD4 (except that fucking helicopter pilot that gets your whole squad killed, there is no one in the cockpit in multiplayer the helicopters have a mind of their own), only men making this perk pretty gay, as such it is unsurprising that this perk is often used along with stopping power.

Steady Aim

Helps you prevent shooting like a handicapped child from the hip. Makes aiming even easier. But you couldn't even knife a banana watermelon. (See what I did thar?)

Last Stand

Along with Martyrdom, this is used by retards who can't play the game properly. Allows you to pistol-own people before dying and you can even stab someone in the shin (killing him instantly) and gain temporary invincibility while you switch from standing to Last Stand mode. For lulz, when not in hardcore mode, find a teammate in last stand and teabag them until they die, bonus points if this results in you both getting killed because you where in the way of your teammates pistol shots.

Martyrdom

Better known as shityrdom. Shit out a fag grenade when you get pwned by an enemy. Probably the cheapest, most faggoty perk of them all. Despite almost every other third tier perk giving you more kills, 13-year-olds like this better because it you can actually see the results. Useful if you're not capable of killing other players while you're still alive, you pussy. After playing for a while you will almost never die from this, as you will (on instinct) avoid recently deceased bodies like the plague. Use this to instill immense anger to butthurt players forcing them to rage quit. Littering the ground with fag grenades enriches the experience for all who play CoD4, especially on Shipment. A fine example of realistic gameplay of being able to shit out a fag grenade on death which Infinity Whore has obviously thought out to the very finest detail. Obviously taking into account that recently deceased people void their bowls. 13-year old boys seem to have trouble pronouncing the name of this perk, largely due to the fact that most of them are choking on their father's cock, which at 3 inches, is still on average three times as large as theirs. This results in frequent rage-filled shouts of "STAWWP USIING MARTYYYYYDOM!" Another theory as to why this occurs is that their eyesight is so fucked up due to generations of inbreeding that they are unable to see the second 'r' in martyrdom.

Iron Lungs

If you for some reason take more than 5 seconds to line up a shot this is the perk for you. Ideal for players suffering from Parkinson's Disease or who are tired of being teased at school for suffering from asthma too. A realistic element which was obviously implemented to replicate the fact that human beings are only able to hold their breath for a maximum of 10 seconds, and upon exhaling the person is sent into an uncontrollable fit of hyperventilation.

Dead Silence

A completely useless perk, except in one on one cagematch mode, particularly when combined with silenced weapons and UAV jammer, in which case you become a ghost (He's dead, Jim) allowing you to sneak up on and then knife your 13 year old enemy in the spine, doing this repeatedly will result in hatemail and lulz.

Eavesdrop

This perk earns the dubious title of being known only for its complete uselessness. It lets you listen to the productive and team focused chatter shitty music, broken mic static, 12 year old bitching and wife beating nigger antics of the enemy. More than half the time you will go through the entire match without hearing anything at all.

Kill Streaks[edit]

Something you never get because you're too much of a noob faggot who can't get more than one kill per life. Kill streaks are supporting aircraft who you can call in to do your dirty work for you after you pwn a sufficient amount of enemies.

UAV

Unmanned Anal Vehicle that can spy on enemies allowing for better ownage of shit enemies attempting to hide/camp, but has no weapons of its own and thus cannot pwn anyone. You get to call one of these in after pwning three enemies. Marks all enemy locations on your mini map and that of your team mates with a red dot except if they are using the UAV Jammer perk (which the noobs won't because they will all be using Stopping Power or Juggernaut like the cheap faggots they are). Easy to get and as such your radio announcer will constantly yammer on about inbound friendly or enemy UAV's all the fucking time in every fucking match.

Air Strike

Three jets that fly in and carpet bomb the fuck out of an area of the map of your choosing. Can be called in after five enemies have been pwned. Relatively easy to avoid but can rape an entire enemy team if used at an opportune moment, such as the start of a search and destroy round. Alternatively skilled trolls will be able to use this killstreak to team kill large amounts of their own team in hardcore mode.

Attack Helicopter

Invites an AH-64 Apache for the Americunts or Britfags and an Mi-24 Hind for the Russians or Sandniggers to the cluster fuck. The best kill streak as you can hide in a corner somewhere like a dick while your heli flies around and shits all over enemies with its nose mounted rape cannon until it gets bored and flies off. Requires the pwnage of seven enemies to call in but as the killstreak kills are cumulative, once you get the Air Strike the attack heli is pretty lightly unless you are really shit at the game (which you are). One potential weakness is that it is the only kill streak that can be shot down but most enemies don't bother as you don't get any points for it except for a one time achievement and when they do it can prove to be hilarious as you shoot unsuspecting and defenceless retards looking up at the sky with RPG's or other weapons.

Leveling Up[edit]

Prestiging for dumbasses.

The fantards' main attraction to this ass-vomit inducing game is the inclusion of the ability to "level up" your character as you ethnically cleanse more and more people with the gall to have differently colored skin. If you hadn't already guessed, this is merely the developers blatantly cashing in on the latest craze sweeping the world, what with the "war on terror" and all. With the promise of moar levels if they just keep going a little longer, the average player's brain is no match for the immense allure of this game's multiplayer mode.

When the player finally manages to make it to level 55 they are given the option get rid of all progress made and start all over again for a new shiny little icon! This is called prestiging and is one of the main attraction to the game because you can never reach the final level without hacking. While most people are under the delusion that a prestige icon shows how much skill you have in reality they show how much longer you have been playing.

Just remember to keep leveling up on those prestiges everytime you hit that sweet level 55, cos who really doesn't want to lose all of their weaponry, perks, equipment, camos, achievements and the ability to create your own class for a gay little icon people will just say you hacked to get anyway? Plus when you get to level 55 you get the coveted GOLDEN DESERT EAGLE!!!1! A.K.A The Shiny shitty pistol.

Players[edit]

Be warned, skilled players: you may well find yourself winning matches constantly even though you're tons of levels lower than the players you're trampling. Only people who have suck balls play Hardcore mode, the other "regular", AKA "pussy", AKA non-virgin gamemodes are just too keep fags out of Hardcore in summation, playing in a mode called "nerdcore" makes you feel better about yourself as a "PR0" even though it sucks and so do You.

Anyone who knows jack shit about video games knows that you cannot be "good" at cock-a-doody because the game basically plays itself and no matter how much better you get you will still be constantly killed by 12-year-old, prepubescent fags devoid of any sense of direction or any idea what the fuck is going on.

You, after playing this game.

The types of people you will find on CoD4 include:

Americunts

Playing only the most realistic game types (Read:King of The Hill with a tactical name), these 12 year old future cannon fodders prefer the American family of weapons and the American style of getting shit on.

Niggers

Only play Free-For-All because their barbaric run-and-gun tactics have no place in a game that requires some amount of communication and teamwork. Naturally, they freak the fuck out over snipers, because such a legitimate tactic is clearly for pussies. Also they like to use the noob tube pro pipe a lot since it generally requires very little skill and is similar to raping white (REDUNDANCY - As if anyone would raep black girls. They raep you.) girls in IRL.

Girls

Quite the rarity, as there are no girls on the internet. The handful you will find on CoD4 all smoke weed, as evidenced by their usernames which often combine something feminine with a 420 reference. Usually they denote that they are girls by their clan tag, screen name, or annoying voice. One's gender has no relevance in gameplay and girls only show it because they are just asking for it, plus many are just stupid LIVE (or PSN) whores trying to piss off the male sanction of the game with their shitty feminist groups Frag Dolls or, even worse the Gamer-chix. (please members, just an hero)

Germans

Extreme frag faggotry. Spamming frags and flashbangs all over the place. Always call them Nazis and laugh about how they lost world war one and world war two to piss them the fuck off. They also like to sing over teamspeak. Did you know 50% of people in Germany are men?, and 100% of those men are gay.

Britfags

If you don't talk with a heavy, indecipherable British accent, then you're probably American, and thus a fat idiot. End of story. and thus will be yelled at in an annoying britfag voice (very often in these exact words): "SHUT UP, YOU AMERICAN BAAAUSTAARD!1!!" & if teamkill is on, will blow the fuck out of their own team with an RPG like wannabe sand niggers. Chavs being some of the best internet tough guys are extremly easy to bait. Teamkilling and other such lulz will, without fail, produce threats to hack your account, find you and beat you up IRL, rape your mum, etc great for uploading to jewtube.

Polacks

This country somehow scavenged internet off it's neighbours who weren't double penetrated by Russia and Germany in WWII and made it a law that every Polish player must use an aimbot.

13-year-old boys

Will accuse everyone who can fire a semiautomatic weapon at a rate of more than 1 round per second of using a modded controller, which is essentially a waste of at least 100 dollars considering you can alternate your index and middle fingers on the trigger to shoot just as fast. Typical nature consists of trying to be badass and "tactical". Usually has clan tags "UNSC" or some other gay clan fuck that they made up with their very few little-shit IRL friends.

Elitist musical bastards

The Elitist musical bastards will play their favorite song at over 9,000 decibels, hoping to start up a discussion with a fellow fan. However, the piece of shit microphone will distort the fuck out of the music, pissing everybody who doesn't know how to use the mute feature (in other words, everybody) off. Usually is a techno faggot or a nigger who plays the shittiest songs of their favourite genre. Troll them by saying their music sucks and they should play country songs, the only real music.

Skilled players

These types of players break into two categories. A skilled player is either complete nerdfag with no life, or it could be some bachelor with a life that simply logs on a few times a week and dominates losers who are on their 9th prestige that play 24/7. Well, almost for 24/7. Aside from the time they are busy eating black cock helicopters up their ass after school.

Other shit

Every douchebag and his brother who can't afford to spend more than five dollars on a router, thereby making everybody's character look like they're ice skating.

Trolling Techniques[edit]

Teamkilling[edit]

This method has become a much used and otherwise fairly lulzy way to troll the nerds on Xbox Live...

For Example:

<center>
</center>

<center>How a serious hardcore gaming group shows their team they're the boss.</center>

   
 
I HATE IT WHEN PEOPLE DO THAT!
 

 
 

—Typical words spoken by those who are team killed.

Steps to be a successful Teamkiller:

  • Start fresh as a n00b.
  • Join Hardcore Search & Destroy where all the elite (high level) users play.
  • Make sure you have the RPG equipped. Also be sure to equip sonic boom and martyrdom for extra lulz later on.
  • When the match starts, whip out the RPG.
  • Fire it at the ground in spawn and kill everyone on your team.
  • Listen to reactions!
  • ????
  • PROFIT!!!

Alternatively you can go to a regular hardcore match and pick just one fucking annoy 12-year-old or britfag, then kill only him.

NOOB tubing - Use it and Abuse it[edit]

Another way of trolling the shit out of those who play CoD4 24/7 is to use a noob tube pro pipe. Like the AWP is for Counter-Strike the noob tube pro pipe (grenade launcher) for CoD4 is exactly the same except less "skill" is needed. Use it and abuse it.

  • Change your perk to overkill, which gives you two primary guns.
  • Put two noob tubes pro pipes giving you four grenade rounds.
  • Join a Hardcore server and only use the tubes (you will notice that on Hardcore you will immediately produce lulz).
  • Add martyrdom to kill random teammates nearby, (or any angry person in particular).
  • When you feel the need, kill teammates repeatedly.
  • ????
  • PROFIT!!!

Clan Tag Glitch[edit]

The developers included a "clan tag" feature so you can show everyone the muhfuggaz you be rollin' with without giving the corporate bigwigs 10 fucking dollars just to change your username. Any clan tag that would offend a nun is off limits, but there is a way to get around this, provided you want to piss someone off with just three letters. All you have to do is put a backslash between any two letters in your tag. The slash will show up in pre- and post-game lobbies, but not in the middle of a game.

Mic Trolling[edit]

A good way to annoy the fuck out of people is to act like a retard. There are several different varieties of mic-trolling techniques available at your disposal;

  • Yell something stupid into the mic.
  • Put on an amusing accent or fucked voice, and continuously talk.
  • Talk non-stop about how you were killed by n00bz.
  • Tell britfags how much better North America is
  • Purposefully breathe heavily into the mic like the fat mouth breather that you know you are.
  • Put your mic up to a speaker playing loud gay Pr0n that you have lying around on your computer.
  • ????
  • PROFIT!!!

Clan Tag Stealing[edit]

This technique further proves that casual clans are serious business.

  • Join any game (Hardcore modes tend to work better, particularly Search & Destroy, since clanfags are under the delusion that making enemies easier to kill makes you a better player)
  • Check the player list for any recurring clan tags (the more a single one is repeated, the better).
  • Take this tag, and copy it into your own.

For some reason, the clanfaggots in question rage amazingly hard at this simple act. Prepare for all manner of messages insulting your sexual preference, and your mothers sexual relations.

Fucking Hilarious Shit[edit]

The following is a list of things you can do with your friends (provided you have some) that will completely exploit this game as the shitty pile of shit it is.

Teamswitching[edit]

  • Go onto a server that offers instant respawn and the ability to switch teams whenever you want.
  • Be sure you have Frag x3 on.
  • Throw grenades at your team.
  • Quickly switch to the opposing team.
  • ????
  • PROFIT!!!


Turrets[edit]

  • Put on perks: stopping power, and deep impact (any first tier is fine).
  • Set sensitivity to 10.
  • Mount the nearest turret.
  • Using your left index finger and thumb, firmly grasp right control stick, and use right thumb to pull right trigger.
  • Spray the shit out of the entire level .
  • ????
  • PROFIT!!!

This strategy can actually result in UP TO 3 KILLS at a time, it's that simple. Lulz can become so great while approaching the turret that you may need to calm down a little before attempting this again (especially when high).

Jumping Off Buildings[edit]

In the event of getting cock rash (crash).

  • Put on perks: sleight of hand (or stopping power), last stand, any first tier perk, and the desert eagle.
  • Go to the top of the 3-story building and wait for enemies to come through the shitty back yard area.
  • Jump off the building, go into last stand, and shoot as many people as you can, use the knife WHENEVER POSSIBLE, it is effective for the lulz to make competitions of this with friends.
  • (Optional) If you like, you can spray with an SMG of your choice on the way down.
  • Complete the Base Jump challenge automatically if you haven't done so.
  • ????
  • LULZ!!!

Making The Fags Cry[edit]

Simple, grab your most 'UBERUEST CLASS EVAH' Consisting of an m16, a claemoarpl0x, juggsandtits, and shitrydom and run into the middle of what ever crap map you're playing on, shooting in all directions and spamming your greenades. Wait for a fag to come over and die by your shitrydom and cry his eyes out all over his dick. (Which he was 'PRETENDING' (INORITE?!) to use to wank over you, the way you slowly, handled those sweet grenades.)

Make everyone leave[edit]

Late at night it is not hard to find a server without an admin. Get one other person to join a game with you and start having a casual conversation (stop playing the game just sit there and chat with eachother). People will get pissed off at first, overtime change this normal conversation and start having gay cybersex with your friend. Perpare for large ammounts of "OMG FAGGOTS GTFO!!". The best way to turn a normal conversation into cybersex is starting the conversation with "I just got back from the gym and I'm sore" this will undoubtedly turn into gay cyber sex anyways.

Make the Fanboys Drool[edit]

Make your name something like CodGirl and play for 5 minutes, after being being hit on by most the guys in the server start doing all of the above listed trolling methods, they will not kick you as long as they think they have a chance at getting laid.

Your Average CoD4 Game Experience[edit]

Gamespot Review[edit]

A long time ago Gamespot reviewed this game. Most unsurprisingly however Gamespot's review was mainly influenced by money and greed, and ironically by terrorist funded organizations. It received a 9.0 out of 10 because even though the game really sucked, the Gamespot reviewers became obsessed with it.

Gamespots Merits[edit]

Gamespot's Merits, Lulz Edition About missing Pics
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Remastered[edit]

Thanks to popular demand from CoD's older, faggot infested fanbase that see through nostalgia tinted glasses and can't comprehend that many of the newer games are better than CoD4 in most aspects, Modern Warfare is getting a next-gen remaster bundled with Call of Duty: Infinite Warfare's Legacy Edition. Yeah so if you get sick of shooting faggots in space you can go back and play as Soap and kill Russians all over again but in glorious next-gen graphics. If campaign isn't your cup of tea, multiplayer in all it's horrible glory is back with only 10 fan favorite maps out of the 20 or so from the old game, presumably so Infinity Ward can milk you for DLC again. It's the only reason why anyone is going to buy Infinite Warfare.

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