CaptainJamesman

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LOLCOWEPIC.jpg CaptainJamesman has the potential to be an Epic Lolcow
Make sure to lulz it up for them as much as possible.


The innocent (and young looking) persona you see every day you visit his page.
The disgusting truth (is that one of those Hogwarts emblem things to the left!?).

CaptainJamesman (moar liek CraptainLamesman, amirite?) is the biggest weeaboo faggot that has ever set foot on the internet.

Someday, he wants to be an aspiring manga artist! Most of his artwork consists of anime characters with no human anatomy whatsoever, Mario characters that look like they were drawn with THE BIGGEST FUCKING MARKER IN THE GOD DAMN WORLD, and Sonic bullshit.

As usual, his persona suffers from fucking huge hair syndrome and is wearing the hip style of clothing: flame tip jeans, a short sleeve jersey that has a star on it that comically changes expressions, a backpack, and a ridiculously poofy hat that obviously isn't a ripoff of Mario's hat.


   
 
I swear, every time I look at his persona, the words weeaboo appear out of nowhere in my head. It gets so fucking annoying...
 

 
 

——The creator of the article, who will remain nameless so armies of fanboys won't kill him in his sleep.

Jamesman's Artwork[edit]

Most of his artwork consists of Mario and Sonic shit. Oh, and did I mention that he has made at least 100 Mario and Sonic original characters?

CaptainJamesman's god-like anatomy.

If not, then his female characters are usually Princess Peach ripoffs that come from fucking Pot-land or some shit like that (either way, noone cares). Anyways, his female whores also have massive sloppy tits, carry stupid wands, and wear stupid hats.

His male characters, however, are completely different. They are either cliche good guys or evil badass motherfuckers who are the epiphany of emo. Oh, and one of them is a vampire, stretching the statement emo.

His human characters have godawful anatomy, looking more like blobs. His hilarious cartoon expressions are used over, and over, and over again. Only changing the shape of it slightly so noone will suspect a thing!

Fanfictions[edit]

Ever wondered why his gallery is filled with completely unrelated pictures involving SUPER COOL ACTION SCENES!!11??/!/!??!/oneoneone!1fowardslash?

Well, he usually crams these pictures into stupid slideshows with WMM, put's homosexual music into it, smacks a title like "Sonic and Mario rape: Electric Boogaloo!" onto it, and shows it to the rest of the world so he can get laughed at all the way back to his basement.

Don't believe me? Just check this out, then make sure to troll.

Yes, that's Jamesman's voice.


If it isn't a gay-ass video, then it's a poorly written story with no originality whatsoever!

Here's one of them. PROTIP: If you already had to use eyebleach from watching the above video, I would advise not reading this.

What everyone thinks of CaptainJamesman's work.

Ultimately, his stories are god awful and have no descriptive detail whatsoever. He tries to be original, but copies the exact same shit that you've seen in any other fanfiction:

  • No descriptive detail.
  • Always making a paragraph out of each sentence.
  • Making some brand new weapon that will "save the day".
  • Mixing completely different game series into one giant orgy of faggotry.
  • And making us hate reading even moar.

[-+]WARNING: Expand at your own risk![edit]

Super Mario in:
Treasures of Souls! Chapter 15-2: Trial of Loyalty, it's Kid Icarus!!

Mario is found awaking on a bed inside yet another room. Though this time this was not what he remembers. He is inside a room full of heaven-like monuments. All of a sudden a certain young angel comes in.

"You finally awake rookie? Good, I had a feeling you'd be in top shape."

Mario was confused and asked the Angel for his name. He replies,

"My name is Pit, the Royal Commander of the Palutena Knights. And might I ask for your name rookie?"

Mario had revealed his name to the young Pit. 

"Mario huh? Doesn't sound to heavenly. But anyways, I thought I'd come and wake you by order of Goddess Palutena herself. She was the one who found you by the way."

Mario had thanked Pit for coming, and asked who Palutena was. Then all of a sudden, a [[whore|goddess]] like entity comes inside the room.

"I am the one called Palutena, Earth-dweller."

Pit was surprised and faced Palutena, saluting her.

"U-uhh, Goddess Palutena! I didn't expect to see you here!" ^^;

"No need to worry young commander, I have only come to associate with our new soldier."

Mario was confused. Soldier? what on earth was she talking about? The Goddess approaches him and asks,

"So, you are the heroic Earth-Dweller whom they call Mario, yes?"

Mario got out of bed and agreed to the high goddess. Then he asks her where he is and what's going on. The goddess turns around and says,

"Come. I will show you where you are."

The Goddess leaves the room, and Mario and Commander Pit follow. Mario is astounded by what his eyes had laid on. A heavenly scenery with lots of Angels roaming around.

"This, young earth-dweller, is our home, Angel Land. A place dedicated to everlasting peace. And you, Mario, have been called here to help us in our darkest hour."

Mario was confused how this could be Angel Land's darkest hour, especially since the land looked very peaceful and heavenly. Then all of a sudden, a certain soldier appears frantically and says,

"GODDESS PALUTENA!! GODDESS PALUTENA!! THE EGGPLANT WIZARD HAS RETURNED!!"

"What?!!" The goddess had said with a shocked look on her face.

All of a sudden, a strange eggplant like being hovers through the air and cursing people left and right, turning them into harmless little eggplants.

"MUAHAHAHAHA!!! FEAR MY POWER PUNY LITTLE ANGELS!!"

"Pit, it's time for you to act!" The Goddess had said to Commander Pit.

"Yes ma'm!! TROOPS, ATTACK!!" Pit yells out to the soldiers as they Wizard comes closer.

Palutena's Soldiers & Pit attempt to attack the wizard, however most of them get zapped into Eggplants by the wizard's great power. Even Pit himself was sadly hit by the spell and turned into an eggplant.

"PIT!!" The Goddess had yelled in despair.

The Wizard then fowards himself to the Goddess.

"So Palutena, we meet again." the wizard had said.

"Eggplant Wizard." the Goddess had said.

"You realize that resistance is futile, so give up while you still have the chance."

Mario was watching their conversation, than started to tip-toe in a certain direction. The goddess had then said,

"As long as heroes still exist, there is always hope in our hearts. So don't fool yourself wizard, it's only a matter of time."

Mario is then seen levitating using his fairee cape and cleanging onto the Wizard. The Wizard than replies,

"Oh? And what shell-brain of a hero would dare go up against one such as I?"

Mario than opens his mouth and takes a big bite out of the Eggplant wizard. The wizard screams in agony and Palutena is shocked at the sight. The Wizard lets out and yells.

"YOU!! HOW DARE YOU EAT ME, THE EGGPLANT WIZARD!! HAVE YOU NO RESPECT?!!"

Mario is still chewing on the part of the Eggplant Wizard he ate. Then the Wizard raises his magic staff and says,

"Well let's see how you like it when I turn YOU into an eggplant!!"

The Wizard shoots a magic spell that aims for Mario. Though Mario spots it and makes a quick dodge from it. The Wizard gets [[RAGE|angry]] and says,

"OH RATZ, I MISSED!! BUT I'LL GET YOU THIS TIME!!"

He then shoots a multitude of Spells that aim for Mario. Mario makes a quick getaway and dodges every spell that tries to hit him. He then finds a certain Eggplant (which is indeed Pit), and picks it up. He then acts the way he did in SMB2 and throws the plant at the Wizard, hitting him and making him drop his staff.

"NO!!!! MY MAGIC STAFF!!"

The Wizard and Mario run for the staff, but in the end, Mario was quick on his feet and grabs the Staff. He then uses it's power to change all who were hit, back to normal.

"NOOOO!!!!!!! YOU FOOL, LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DONE!!!!"

Mario then tells all of the angels that the Eggplant Wizard is edible, and may dine as much as they can. Without any hesitation, all the victims jump for the powerless wizard and start chewing on him like a dog with a chew-toy. Afterwards, the Wizard was nothing but hopping eyeballs.

"I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS!! I LOST TO A MEASLY EARTH-DWELLER!!! AND OF ALL THINGS, A FREAKIN' PLUMBER!!!!" >A<

Mario pulls off a heroic pose and laughs. Palutena then approaches the eyeballs wizard and says,

"Now you see what I mean? As long as heroes still exist, there is always hope in our hearts."

"DON'T BE SO [[COCK]]Y GODDESS, THE WAR HAS ONLY BEGUN!! Once Lady Medusa comes, you'll be wishing you never were born!! MUAHAHAHAHAHA.....AHHHH!!!"

Mario immediatly stomps on the eyeballs, and the rest is history. Mario then looks at Palutena, who is feeling sorrow for the Wizard's words. Mario then tries to ask her who Medusa was. Commander Pit comes in and says,

"Medusa is an evil Goddess from the Underworld who always attempts to take over Angel Land. Im sure you Earth-Dwellers have heard the story."

Mario was a tad familiar with the stories of the evil Medusa, but on other terms was clueless. Palutena then says,

"Mario, the reason why I had sent you here is because you are Angel Land's last hope in ridding the world of Medusa and her evil Cronies. Only then can Angel Land achieve it's everlasting piece."

Palutena then uses her magic to creat a special weapon for Mario. It's appearence was much like his trademark hammer, only with a special design.

"This mallet was once used in a fierce battle of Good and Evil. I feel that it will be most effective in your care."

Mario was pleased with Palutena's choice of a weapon. Palutena then looks up into the sky, where it becomes full of dark clouds. She then says,

"Pit, you and Mario shall go now into the underworld, and do away with the evil that is, the Dark Goddess Medusa."

Mario & Pit salute Palutena and Pit says,

"Yes Goddess, we'll do our best!!"

The Goddess looks again into the sky, which is getting darker than before.

"And Mario . . ."

Mario listens to Palutenas words.

"Once you face Medusa, please be careful. And of all things, never look directly into her [[vagina|eyes]]. For then you will be turned to stone."

Mario gets chills from hearing this, but he knows what he must do, and accepts the Goddess' words.

"The sky . . . . . . is sucking away my power . . . . please . . . hurry . . ."

And with that, the Goddess immdietly turned into stone. Mario was shocked while Pit turns around.

"We've been given our orders. Let's move rookie!"

Mario takes Pit's words and the two of them rush into one hell of an adventure. The two begin to encounter strange creatures and wicked beings. Both of them use their gifted skills and powers to take on the heavy armada.

With Mario's swiftful Swings and Pit's awe-striking arrows, the many gruesome foes in their way are dealt with and disintegrate from existance. As the two advance, the foes get more furious, and the obstacles become even more overwhelming. But they never gave up. The two give it all they got to fight off Medusa's minions!!

Finally, after such a long and harsh travel, the two arrive within reach of Lady Medusa's Chambers. Pit then looks at Mario and says,

"Well rookie, this is it. Ready for the grand finale?"

Mario said he was ready for what they are about to face. The two then enter the dark chambers and encounter the deviously fiendish Medusa.

"Well . . . . I see you two have made it so far. It's too bad you've both have walked right into your tombstones, and I shall have the last laugh."

Pit prepares his arrows and says,

"You've got that backwards Medusa! It's us who are about to get the last laugh!!"

Mario prepares the hammer that Palutena had presented him. The devilish snake haired maiden then turns around with her eyes still closed.

"Is that so? Well then, say that to my FACE!!" she says opening up her horrid eyes.

Mario & Pit were quick to hide their eyes from Medusa's. Pit then shoots his arrow with his eyes closed, hoping the shot had gotten her hard. Unfortunetly the arrow had missed.

"How pathetic, why not open your eyes kid? It'll help your aim!" Medusa had said, mocking Pit.

"Wha?!! How dare you!! I'm not afraid of you Medusa!! Say your prayers!!"

Unforturnetly, Pit was too overconfident to realize that Medusa had her eyes open, and with that he turns to cold hard stone. Mario is shocked to see Pit turned into stone.

"Well Earth-Dweller, guess it's just you and me now!! Give me your best shot!!"

Mario, with his eyes closed, dashes for Medusa, ready to wield his hammer. Unfortunetly, Medusa had dodged Mario's attack and Mario ended up smashing into a wall.

"Is that the best you can do? I've seen better from those weak little Palutena Knights!!"

Mario then gets out and tries another dash, without opening his eyes, unfortunetly he smashes into the wall again.

"MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! GIVE IT UP ALREADY KID AND LOOK INTO MY EYES!!!!"

Mario knew that even with his eyes open, he'd be no match for Medusa. However, he comes up with an idea! He digs into his pocket and takes out a pair of sunshades. He places them on and looks up to Medusa.

"HA!! You really think those will help you? Fat chance fatty!! Now say your prayers!!"

Medusa then looks deeply into Mario's eyes. Sadly for her, Mario's sunshades were pretty effective, and the power of Medusa's eyes had backfired. The power richochets back to Medusa and hits her pretty crucially.

"GACK!! NOO!! NOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

And with that, Medusa was turned into Stone. Mario then takes out his hammer, and smashes Medusa into a million pieces! And thus, was the end of the battle. The Angels have won, and peace was finally achieved throughout all of Angel Land. Everyone who was taken from Medusa's curse were finally restored, even Pit was turned back to normal.

"Whuh? What in the world . . . ?! Rookie?" Pit had said.

Mario looked behind him and noticed Pit was back to normal. Mario had hugged Pit knowing he was himself again. Pit was kinda pleased with the hug. Then out of nowhere, Goddess Palutena had appeared behind them.

"Our Peace has been restored. Thank you both."

Her voice had shocked them and they turned around saluting her. Then Pit had frowned and said,

"I'm sorry for failing you Goddess Palutena. I promise you that next time I'll be ready."

Palutena had smiled and said,

"You have no need for putting yourself down Young Commander Pit, you should be proud that you had helped in restoring Angel Land to it's natural harmony. And for that I thank you." Palutena had said followed by kissing Pit on the cheek.

Pit had swooned a little and said,

"Thank you Goddess Palutena."

"And as for you young earth-dweller, I wish to personally thank you for all you have done in ridding the world of the evil that was, the Dark Goddess Medusa."

Mario had thanked Goddess Palutena for her kind words. The Goddess had then said,

"As a reward for helping us rid the world of Medusa, I will let you hold on to the Mallet I had presented to you. And . . . . this is a special thanks from me to you."

Palutena had kissed Mario on the cheek, and Mario swooned even more than Pit had. After Mario had gotten up, a similar light to that found back in Hyrule had emmited, and it had said,

"You have passed the Trial of Loyalty, Brave Warrior. Now is the time to face a new trial! Come to the Alter of Souls, and face your last Trial for the rights to meet me. Good Luck."

And with that, Pit had said,

"Well Rookie, we're gonna miss ya. Hope you do well back on Earth!" ^^

"And whatever trials await you, please remember that we will always put our faith in you."

Mario had then approached the light, but not before saying his last goodbyes to Palutena and Pit. He then enters inside the light, and is returned to the Alter of Souls, where the final trial remains.

Without a second thought, Mario enters the last door, which leads to the Trial of Friendship, and the last test that will prove his worth to the Fabled Soul Princess. He is last seen entering the vast universe that is, the Lylat System.

See Also[edit]

External Links[edit]

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CaptainJamesman is part of a series on

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Visit the DeviantART Portal for complete coverage.

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CaptainJamesman is related to a series on AZNS.

[Domo ArigatoHerrow]

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