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Captain Crunch

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That hair is liable to cut up the roof of your mouth.
Captain Crunch, serving on a panel for cock enthusiasts.
Capt. Crunch whistle that emits 2600Hz frequency used for pwning Ma Bell, not his work.


Many Vietnam vets find their solace in heroin and whores. Captain Crunch (aka John Draper), on the other hand, took his tortured mind and abused Bell. Contrary to what he claims, he actually never had any skill besides lvl 2 soldering. Blue boxers had become the script kiddies of phreaking by the time Crunch was doing anything. He had a friend who realized that the 2600hz sound in a breakfast cereal toy was not the devil speaking to him, it was actually a time travel machine that could make free telephone calls. Woz recruited Crunch into his super elite hack team and they travelled around the US doing acid and confing. Soon, he turned media whore and spilled the beans to the Village Voice. The Man didn't like the fact that Captain Crunch was bragging so loudly about his skillz, so they put him in prison.

Working with Woz

After working at Apple for a bit, he programmed one of the first word processors ever for the Apple ][ and the IBM PC -- therefore, he should be rich, but he's not because his code was all ripped by Bill Gates. He blew all his money on acid parties and rape factories.

What he is doing now

Captain Crunch is now a dirty old man who`s pupils are pinholes and he's missing most ABSOLUTELY ALL of his teeth, likely due to meth. His incredible laundry list of famous people on his resume failed to get him any actual work. Once people realized he was completely clueless he had to start his own failure of a business... which then failed. He is now working as the CTO for a small start-up film company.

Failures

His first and only project was CrunchBox which was supposed to be an OpenBSD firewall+intrusion detection system. The project proved to be a huge failure and never went past anything more than talk. However if you talk to Draper he will claim that he sets up custom CrunchBoxes for networks at 20 k a pop. Draper has pretty much slipped into obscurity, don't ever start a convo with him or you may never escape. But for those that are brave he can be IMed at jdcrunchman on aim. His other only project was an attempt at making a TV show (CrunchTV) targeted at noobs with the goal of "Handling 95% of all the security threats in the Internet Frontier". Future guests may include Kevin Mitnick.

Alleged interest in young men

There has been a long history of allegations of inappropriate behavior by Captain Crunch, even in coverage by CNN. Steve Manzuik has described Captain Crunch as "basically the Kevin Spacey of infosec". The Grugq warned that "If you run an event where Captain Crunch attends, ensure a member of staff is assigned to keep teenage boys away from him. Not a joke." Violet Blue has also stated that she is aware of Captain Crunch's persistent sexual harassment of multiple crew members.

When these allegations were posted to Wikipedia, a dozen accounts rushed to remove them. In a response to edits one account wrote, "if you look at the editing history of the page, my team has been explaining this, and the page repeatedly reverts regardless. I've put a complaint in to Oversight, WF board, and legal now." This user identified themselves as part of a "team" seemingly being paid to scrub Captain Crunch's Wikipedia page. The individuals working on Captain Crunch's behalf to white-wash these allegations from the internet have been described as "scum" publicly.

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Captain Crunch
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Captain Crunch is part of a series on Security Faggots

1337 h4x0rz

Captain CrunchCult of the Dead CowDavid L. SmithGary McKinnonGOBBLESHD MooreJeff MossKevin MitnickLance M. HavokRobert MorrisTheo de RaadtweevWoz


Try-Hards

2cashAnonOpsBrian SalcedoFearnorFry GuyGadi Evrong00nsHack This SiteHacking TeamhannJoanna RutkowskaJohn FieldJoseph CampLizard SquadLulzSecMark ZuckerbergMarshviperXMasters of DeceptionMichael LynnKrashedRavenr000tRyanSteve Gibsonth3j35t3rThe RegimeSabuZeekill


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