Cardcaptor Sakura

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If they aren't homosex, they're pedophiles. If they aren't pedophiles, they're insane and/or retarded.

Cardcaptor Sakura known in English as Cardcaptors, formerly known as Cardcaptor Syaolong, is the story based around a pre-teen girl living in Tokyo who discovers a book with cards in it. She opens the book, they all escape and she gains magical powers of the moon to get them back, as well as freeing the "Guardian of the seal" of the book who is a flying teddy bear called Kero who assists her in all the captures but never actually helps. Each episode is usually the same old shit, but sometimes they add some variation, like introducing a new character called "Li Shaoron", a little boy from China who whores his way over to Japan in his magical flying aircraft who initially hates her but eventually falls for her. The Japanese version of the anime features shit-loads of homosexuality and even a hint of pedophilia, but when it was dubbed in English all traces of that were completely removed. She captures all the cards and after skullfucking Yue and he accepts her as the new owner, she is then tested by an mysterious little boy who is 1,000 years old, the ancestor of the creator of the cards and is eventually deemed the official new owner of them, and then that's the end of this series. There is more to the Cardcaptor franchise, but there isn't any reason to watch them.

The title comes from Sakura's habit of capturing each of the cards, most of whom take the form of either pedophiles or evil bitches.

Initially the main character was Li, but this turned out to be too much for even the Japanese, who held rallies and protests, several of which turned into the Azn Riots of 1996. So, the writers went back to the drawing board, trying to find some way to make the manga less controversial. In the end they ended up changing the main character to a girl, adding a voyeur dyke obsessed with the girl, putting Li and his homoerotic sex with otherkin in the background and the manga instantly became a pop sensation to the extent that it became an anime.

The Characters[edit]

Sakura. Gets you horny, doesn't it?
Despite her innocent appearance, Tomoyo wants to fuck the shit out of Sakura.
Touya, the raging faggot.
Yukito, Touya's arse-buddy and his Schizophrenia-induced other persona, Yue.
Kero and his AWESOMESAUCE form.
Li wanted to fuck Yukito before he suddenly turned straight for Sakura.
Meiling, the self-proclaimed Fianceé of Li at 10 years old. Totally insane.
Tarada & Rika in their moment of underage bliss before initiating the dance routine.
Even though Eriol looks like he's a cockmongler, he's nailing a pedophile with huge tits.
Ruby as Nakuru. She'll do anything for magical powers.
Spinel after eating sweets. Run for the hills!

Sakura Kinomoto / Sakura Avalon[edit]

Sakura is a 10 year old girl and the series' titular character. She found the "Book of Clow" in her dad's basement-library and released all the cards which caused a ZA WARUDO, which not only granted her Magical moon powers but the event also released Keroberos - the guardian of the cards who assists her in all of the captures. Naturally she has a sidekick in her dyke stalker bitch and best friend Tomoyo, who wants to have inhumane lesbian sex with her. Sakura's job is to gather all the Clow cards in the set and she and Kero get horny whenever one appears or is nearby. She has to collect them all so Kero can get his magical sunshine powers back, which allows him to transform into a tiger with wings. Sakura is always supper happy and all her friends think sunshine, rainbows and kittens shoot out her arse.

She uses rollerblades to get to school to prevent pedophiles from raping her because it's a common pastime in Japan. She fancies an older guy twice her age named Yukito, but she then realized that he was that way inclined for her older brother Toya and gave up chasing after him in favor of Li Syoran after he stopped being a total prick to her.


Tomoyo Daidouji / Madison Taylor[edit]

Obligatory useless sidekick, Sakura's obsessed fangirl and Best Friend Forever. Tomoyo is a rich bitch who one night saw Sakura riding her magic stick which led her to find out about Sakura's late-night affairs with the cards, began following her on her endeavors and allows her to tape her in all of the captures in the Lolita clothing she makes for Sakura, possibly on threat of having Sakura's throat slit. Despite having a majorly gay thing for Sakura she later becomes the Agony Aunt to Li Syoran, who at this point gets horny whenever he sees Sakura and wants to cum deep into her womb and make lots and lots of babies. She can also sing, and in the anime she was kidnapped and nearly raped by two of the cards, the Voice and the Song cards, because they wanted to give her a good throat fucking for having such a beautiful voice.

In the English version of the anime, she doesn't fancy Sakura at all, but she still almost cums when she sees Sakura in an outfit. Otherwise, anything suggesting she pines for dat ass was totally removed. Also she's somehow distantly related to Sakura, but it wouldn't be considered incest if they got it on.

Touya Kinomoto / Tori Avalon[edit]

Sakura's faggot older brother who is spiritually aware of the undead and magic and shit, evident when he sees his and Sakura's mother in one episode but she was blissfully unaware of her presence. Back in his youth, he had a crush on his well-endowed teacher when he was in school, who was much older than him, but managed to get some from her. However, she called it off when she got paranoid that she would get Party Vanned. He met Yukito at some point afterwards and found that the lure of Yukito's pale, shriveled, tiny Azn cock proved to be too much and it managed to turn him gay for the entirety of the series. After he found out that Yukito was another being called Yue, he gave him all his powers so he and Yukito could live, and he couldn't see ghosts or magic shit anymore. Yukito and Touya continued to dock each other afterwards once his secret was revealed. Oh and he's oftentimes a total prick to Sakura.

In the English version, you guessed it, he is totally not gay and they're just best friends.

Yukito Tsukishiro / Julian Star and Yue[edit]

Sakura's love interest, at least until she found out she was in the friend zone. Yukito is a normal, gay human being. By the time the series begins he'd already been docking Touya for quite some time, but is just thought to be the gay best friend of Touya with nothing particularly special about him. Yukito is one of those characters in the series who is the thinnest, but eats enough food to feed all of Africa yet never puts on weight and is never shown to have bowel problems. Yukito was completely unaware of his other persona Yue, even though he and Yue are one and the fucking same. He eventually finds out that his "blacking out" was because he transformed into Yue, the Guardian of the Seal representing the moon, who is even more of a faggot in appearance than his human counterpart. Yue cockblocks anyone who attempts to flirt with him who isn't Touya, which is shown in his rejection of Li who tells him to GTFO and go for Sakura's minge instead. After Sakura and Li capture all the cards between them, Yue holds the "Final judgement" where he beat the crap out of Li but lost to Sakura. Lol, he lost to a girl. He reveals that the reason Yukito is such a glutton and sleeps for 2 days straight is because Sakura's tiny tits aren't enough to keep him sustained, and that he's losing his powers because of it. So rather than having bitty, he goes to other sources and eventually finds Touya, Yukito's gay lover, and drains him of his man-milk which drains Touya of all his magical powers, but keeps Yue sustained until Sakuras tits grow big enough.

In the English version of the anime, "Julian" is straight and totally does not want to fuck "Tori".

Cerberus / Keroberus[edit]

Nicknamed "Kero", pronounced KEEro in English and KEH-ro in Japanese, is the talking stuffed animal that follows Sakura around. He is the opposite counterpart to Yue, being the Guardian of the seal, representing the sun. He is easily the only character worth a shit on this show, because he is one of the few who is not a raging faggot, some of the things he says is worth a chuckle or two, he eats like a fucking pig, sleeps during the day in Sakura's room, plays fighting games, goes through her drawers and faps with her panties. He appeals so much to fanboys and girls who watch the series, not because of the fact he looks like a cute teddy bear, but because they relate to Kero in the sense that he is a fucking slob, just like them. Like Sakura, he gets horny whenever a card is nearby or appears. When Sakura retrieves all the cards, he is able to transform from a talking teddy bear with wings into a MASSIVE TIGER WITH HUGE FUCKING GOLDEN WINGS WHICH CAN SHOOT FIRE FROM ITS MOUTH.

He hosts "Kero's corner", the 2 minute bit at the end of every episode in which he talks about a random Clow Card, usually ones that appeared in the episode, or costumes which Sakura was forced to wear on threat of having her throat slit by Tomoya, Sakura's house or other minor characters in the series, which are just as unfunny as the saying "Amirite?!" or using strikethrough HAHAHA DISREGARD THAT, I SUCK COCKS!!


Li Shaoran / Lee Showron[edit]

Originating from Hong Kong, Li flew over to Tokyo to stalk Sakura and rape her without leaving his number. On his first appearance, he is a total fucking badass who hates Sakura for being a noob and tries to capture the cards for himself, but he progressively chills out and wants to bang Sakura instead of hatin'. He loses his cards when he gets his arse kicked by Yue, thus losing 10,000 man points in the process bringing him to -9999. To capture the cards, he uses a Ouija board to locate the cards and beats the crap out of them with his 10ft sword, which can also activate some weird cards which can shit out various elements, like fire or wind. His huge sword is totally compensating for something.

At first, he turns gay for Yukito, getting nervous around him and running away from him whenever he sees him, hiding his boner. This went on for a while until the authors and authoresses decided against making him a raging faggot and to answer to fanboys and girls of the series, by making the main girl character have an unofficial boyfriend in her former enemy, because it's an unwritten law that every anime character wants to fuck someone else within the series, so they make him straight for Sakura around season 3, but he never actually tells her he wants to fuck her. However, he did tell her in one of the films, but never got to second base. He wasn't gay for "Julian" either, he was just "attracted to his magical powers", as told by Yue which was a totally good way to cover up an "I'm a raging pre-teen faggot" story.

Meiling Li / Meiling Rae[edit]

The most annoying character of the series. She stalked Li from his hometown in Hong Kong to Tokyo, because she wants Li to get her pregnant and so she can live off his money. When they were little he didn't beat the shit out of her, just like any other normal couple in China, so in return for this kindness she ate out his rectum and then declared them "Engaged". She doesn't possess any magical abilities of her own, but can kick some arse because she is a blackbelt niggah. But even that doesn't really help much and she just gets in the way and pisses off viewers by just being there.

She initially hates Sakura, because any "friend" of an enemy is automatically an enemy until the enemies chill the fuck out and become friends, just like every other generic anime ever. She and Sakura eventually become BFFs and begin to get into threeway scissoring sex sessions with Tomoya until she loses to Sakura in her constant competition for Li's affections, she then breaks off the "Engagement" and fucks off back to Hong Kong to lose her iPod.


Rika Sasaki / Rita[edit]

The only one of Sakura's school friends, besides Tomoya, worth a mention. She is a brown wavy-haired pedobait moe girl the same age as Sakura. She is considered to be the perfect woman, because she does well in school, she can cook, clean and make you a sammich on demand. During the series, she is constantly almost raped by the Clow cards but has no recollection of the events afterwards, always being told that she was dreaming and being fucking stupid enough to believe it. The most notable thing about her is that she has a relationship with her teacher, Yoshiyuki Terada. Normally, this would scream PARTY VAN but he is never arrested, or even found out and any morals relating to their relationship aren't mentioned or touched upon. Obviously in the English version they're both just on a Teacher/Student-only relationship, she only sees him as a father figure, she's now a dumbshit who constantly gets held behind after class to catch up with her work and blushes around him only because she's embarrassed by that fact that she stays behind to catch up all the time, and totally not because they want to fuck each other on a desk when everyone's fucked off. Basically, all traces of their relationship were either removed or covered up.

Yoshiyuki Terada / Mr. Terada[edit]

A tall, handsome man who is all the casts' Homeroom teacher and acts as the chaperone on all their school trips so he makes a good few appearances. He is the anime representation of Michael Jackson, but white, probably can't sing or dance, is Japanese, is a cartoon character, and doesn't have the notable handicap of being dead. As previously stated, he's blatantly fucking Rika and he lures her into his van with candy and promises of ponies, money, love, marriage and babies, and in return has lots of sloppy loli-sex with her off-screen at his house. All the other characters are completely oblivious to this relationship, which might account as to why he hasn't been locked up yet. As you can guess by now, in the English version, all hints of their relationship was completely removed thanks to concerned mothers playing the "My child can't handle this shit!" card. So they're on friendly terms, but not actually fucking.

Eriol Hiiragizawa / Eli Moon[edit]

Eriol is the direct reincarnation of Clow Reed - the faggot who created the Clow Cards, named Sakura the new owner before she was born and sealed them away after he died. Eriol has half of his soul and all of his memories and abilities, while Sakura's dad has the other half of his soul but no memories or abilities. He is as old as Sakura's dad but he halted the aging process with his inherited magic to look 12 years old so he can get close to Sakura or some shit. It's easy enough to understand but nobody cares. Either way, after Sakura captures all of the cards, Eriol appears and nearly kills her 10,000 times so he can force her to transform all the Clow cards into Sakura cards so they won't die from the lack of magic, apparently. Doing so completely drains her so she sleeps for 9001 hours to recover. She eventually does transform them all and he stops being a total prick, then invites the cast to his mansion for an explanation of the history of the Clow Cards, and his reasoning for causing the "catastrophes" he caused and why he did it; basically summing up the entire plot in one episode. Despite his faggot-like shota appearance, he is totally nailing Mizuki, the pedophile who was Touya's ex-lover.

In the English dub "Eli" has all of his Clow Reed's memories and his entire soul, but isn't nailing "Layla". Sakura's dad is also completely oblivious to absolutely everything in the series and has nothing to do with any of it.

Nakuru Akizuki / Ruby Moon[edit]

Ruby Moon is basically a cheap ripoff of Yue. Ruby Moon in her "false form" looks and acts as a schoolgirl and gives herself a more human name. Unlike Yue, she doesn't have Schizophrenia, so she can just change clothes without the need for a full-blown transforming sequence, but needs Eriol's magic stick to do so.

Knowing that Yue could die if he doesn't get any magic into his body, she tries to flirt with Touya with the intention of fucking him so she can gain his magical powers instead (And they say women aren't sadistic). But the thought of minge makes him gag and his preference to Yukito's cock results in him turning her down and he tracks down Yue, knowing by now that he's Yukito, and gives his powers to him. After she fails to impregnate herself with Touya's Life Seed, she then stops being a little bitch and actually does what she's told by Eriol.

In her "released form" she becomes a Sex goddess with butterfly wings.


Spinel Sun / Spinner Sun[edit]

Spinel, nicknamed "Suppi" by Ruby, is a cheap ripoff of Kero. In his "False form", he is a small black cat with blue wings similar to Kero's but actually looks like a feline, not a fucking teddy bear. Unlike Kero, who acts like a hyperactive teenager at the best of times, Spinel acts like an old man; he sleeps, reads and eats and that's about it. Whenever he eats sweets however, he turns into a hyperactive little shit, far worse than a retard with ADHD and Diabetes who have consumed a fuckload of energy drinks and lulz ensues from it. Spinel, with the help of Eriol, transforms into a black panther with butterfly wings. Not the manliest appearance ever.

He was called "Spinner Sun" in the English Dub and his nickname by Ruby is Spinny.


Other minor characters[edit]


Shippers[edit]

As you can expect, legions of Shippers are at war, Sakura/Lee vs Sakura/Yukito vs Sakura/Tomoyo, a fierce battle is in process and many /b/tards are going to get hurt, emotionally and, in many cases, physically. Of course, the only real couple is Sakura & Lee since both declared their mutual feelings (and eventually Lee sodomized Sakra for fuck's sake--see above photo). Also, they have a son, confusing also called Lee Syaoran, the traditional way ( from said buttsecks ) and another one magically (without buttsecks ) called Watanuki. This all happens in the fail animu known as Tsubasa Chronicle. Yes, Card Captor Sakura characters do make appearances in other Clamp series. Clamp is known for having lots of crossovers, leading their fans to believe that there is entire OHMYGODSODEEP Clamp universe where all of their stories are somehow interconnected to one another through dimensions or fanfic shipping sex. Of course, the obvious truth is that Clamp has so little originality, that they just recycle the same characters over and over again.

The "Cardcraptors" controversy. BAWWWWWWWWWWW[edit]

Lots of fanboys and girls were pissed at CLAMP for allowing Nelvana to heavily edit the 70 episode series of Cardcaptor Sakura, chop it up into tiny pieces and leaving behind 39 episodes of shit. This new series aired in North America with the following changes:

Why all of the changes? Nelvana listened to concerned mothers and Christfags too much, which ultimately ruined what was a pretty good cartoon series.

Gallery[edit]

See also[edit]

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