Cell Phone

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Ever wished you could take drama wherever you go? Do you need a constant supply of Internets? Are you afraid to leave the house because you might miss an instant message? Do you have a loud, irritating voice? Do you feel the need to play R&B, dupstep or other nigger music though shitty tinny sounding speakers in public places? If you answered yes to any of these questions, then you need a fucking cell phone. Cell phones are a great way to make prank calls or other illegal stuff because you can always shove it in your ass if the police finds you.

Need to know[edit]

Before you go out and get one, you're going to have to learn a few things. For starters make a tinfoil hat to protect yourself from the microwaves that cell phones produce. Never take it off! If it rings and you forget the hat, your brain will boil and run out of your tear ducts. The hat will also protect you from other people's cell radiation. Second hand radiation is the third leading cause of otakukin; the first being bad video games. Next, you need to buy more gay crap for your phone than you can actually fit on it. This is because you're going to drop your phone a lot, and will need spare parts. Also, get one of those bluetooth wireless headset things, so you can expedite your transformation into a cellborg.

This could happen to you.

Once you've got a cell, learn to field strip it as fast as possible. If it jams in the middle of drama, you'll need to disassemble it and fix the problem as fast as possible.

Remember! if you are a resident of America you may be able to extend your mobile phones antenna and generate lulz by sneaking up on camwhores and sticking it up his/her arse while she/he is in a live webcam chat with emofags. Doing this to a male camwhore will cause all the male emofags who are watching the video feed will instantly explode as the sexual tension is too much.

DHCP[edit]

"Hey Peter, it's Jesus...yeah...pretty good...hey can you do me a solid? Put me down for 2 large on the Pats to beat the spread for Monday night...sweet...thanks bro."

Death by Having Cell Phone is becoming more and more common. No one knows why people yelling into cell phones are randomly shot, but an investment in a bullet proof vest may not be a bad addition to one's cellular equipment. It seems as though when a cell phone is purchased by a business major or other arrogant bastard, a special number known as an IP is assigned to them. The IP contains the GPS address and future time of death of the buyer, encrypted in some form of number hash. This enables LJ killers to find them and execute them at a specific time and date.

Emo Cam[edit]

A recent innovation in cell phone technology, the camera phone is exactly what it says it is. Camera phones are responsible for the dramatic increase in internet disease, high contrast, and fat girl angle shots. An additional feature of the camera phone is its notoriously bad picture quality. It is physically impossible to take a great picture with a camera phone. Consequently, emo kids everywhere use camera phones to spread internet disease.

Despite their features, camera phones can be used to create some lulz. Having a camera handy at all times allows one to do some hefty IRL trolling. However...

Changing Room Cam[edit]

Changing room + mobile phone camera/video recorder = much lulz.

As a consequence, many changerooms ban the use of such recorders because of lameass reasons such as "privacy". However, many phones are small enough to be smuggled in hidden in an ass. Once inside: lights, camera, action. Just don't get caught.

See Phonebin

Selecting A Proper Cell Phone[edit]

Chances are, no one wanted to talk to you before you decided to get a cell phone, and now, thanks to the glorious age we live in, you can now sign a contract and pay a monthly fee to be reminded of this. Ergo, make sure you select a feature-rich phone, so you'll have something to pass the time while not getting calls. Remember, modern cell phones don't just do one thing well (like... making a fucking phone call), they do a lot of things really, really, really shitty, and all at once (MP3 player, Digital Camera, Video Games, Internet Browser, etc).

Bluetooth[edit]

Having a bluetooth connection allows girlvinyl to troll someone IRL in various ways:

  • Bluesnarfing: Refers to permanently borrowing information from a phone. Be it phone numbers, n00dz, or internet disease.
  • Bluebugging: When the government tries to find out whether you're talking to terrorists. Oh noes! Also, when terrorists hack phones to make long distance calls to the -istans. Oh shit!
  • Bluejacking: When the phone is completely pwned.

Services[edit]

4chan Voice Chat!

4chan Phone Chat[edit]

4chan Phone Chat is liek /b/ but on the phone. It's free to call from cell phones with free long distance to the US and you have some airtime to blow (or free nights and weekends)

CellFlirt: Where the sausage party 'at.

CellFlirt[edit]

CellFlirt is an infomercial on television inviting you to the biggest sausage fest on earth. She-males chat for free, and it only costs a testicle per message!

Cingularly delicious little creature. Never mind, ATT killed them off

Cingular[edit]

Known for its logo of a little man made out of spooge, Cingular is constantly trying to make the world a better place by exporting semen to starving children in foreign countries.

MySpace Phone[edit]

From the creators of MySpace comes MySpace phone!
If you can't piss enough people off with your regular cell phone, maybe it's time to get a MySpace phone. Or MyPhone. Whatever. Promises all the idiot user customization, maybe half the speed, and some of the portability of MySpace. If you're retarded and don't get our meaning, it's fucking useless. Or at least it will be. Due to technical difficulties, the retail version of MyPhone crashed before it was even released. Tom plans to release the alpha version last Thursday.

Groovr[edit]

Can't get enough of social networking sites? Too lazy to make your own reservations by phone? Big fan of stalking or being stalked? Then Groovr is for you.

With Groovr you can:

  • Tell all your friends that you're stuck in traffic.
  • Pretend that you have a life by finding the "cool places".
  • Hook up with total strangers while sober.
  • Send even more texts!!!... because making a phone call is just way too fucking complicated.

HOW TO WIN AT CELL PHONES[edit]

  1. Buy an IPhone
  2. Shove it up your ass
  3. Congratulations, you have won at cell phones

Gallery[edit]

[Collapse GalleryExpand Gallery]

Wireless digital telephony history[edit]


The future revealed, September 1979

See also[edit]

External links[edit]

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Cell Phone
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Cell Phone is part of a series on Language & Communication
Languages and DialectsGrammar, Punctuation, Spelling, Style, and UsageRhetorical StrategiesPoetryThe Politics of Language and CommunicationMediaVisual Rhetoric
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