If you are a 90's kid, you know about Pokemon, you grew up with them, you forced your parents to though money on the latest pokecrap like pokecards, poke-underware, pokegames, poke-sex devices. You were once probably one of little faggots who begged their parents to go see Pokemon The First Movie. Hell, I'll go as far to say you probably a part of the group at your elementary school who picked on that one kid who was into Digimon. Face it, Pokemon defined your childhood. If you remember the hype that was the Pokemania in 1998, you will remember the head motherfucker fire-flying type in charge, Charizard. Charizard is the reward you earn when you choose Charmander to be your first. At level 16, Charmader will evolve in too Charmeleon. After many hours of training, when all is said and done, Charmeleon will evolve at level 36 to the main event that is Charizard.
Who's that Pokemon?
One of the last things you will see before you are violently killed (Immolated and disemboweled at the same time, not in that order). No, not the Grim Reaper, he only shows up to claim the remains of your spirit much like a cuckold husband licks away the sperm out of his wife's vagoo after she has sex with a strong black man. Death comes right after Charizard (in that order) in mere few minutes when Charizard is finished with you. As it was told by the Greek Philosopher, Socrates, before he drank some hemlock and became an hero in prison,
—Socrates' last words
- Don't let any scientist or Christfags tell you otherwise. God didn't unleash his wrath on Adam and Eve neither did a pussy comet wipe out the dinos. It was all done by Charizard.
- As for his pre-evolved forms Charmander and Charmeleon, they are just in there for teh lulz to prepare you for the bad-assery that you will earn once your Charmeleon reaches level 36, assuming you don't puss out from training this enigma of win or choose a Bulbasaur. tl;dr You want a Charizard? You're going to have to work for it! None of that gameshark-action replay shit!
- Anyone one who tells you that it was Magmar who was born from the volcano first instead of Charizard, is a fucking mongoloid who needs to have their ass handed to them. The origin of Magmar happened when Charizard threw a platypus in said volcano after getting frustrated with God for creating yet another lulzy creature, unsure if it was an beaver or duck.
- Charizard's burning tail is actually the souls of those who tried and failed to fuck with it.
- The Pyro in Team Fortress 2 was inspired by Charizard as a child. He/She has a flamethrower called the Backburner which the nozzle looks like a Charizard. It is super effective when an enemy has their back turned because of Charizard's reputation of ass raping the shit out of those who stand in it's way.
- The song goes "I want to be the very best/ but no one ever was..", the only way to become the best is to successfully train a Charizard.
- Sadly, Charizard wasn't created as a fire - dragon type, that dubious honor was given to Reshiram, from the dated newfag 5th gen Pokemon, otherwise, as soon as your Charmeleon evolves, Charizard would have divided by zero and caused your poor gameboy to overclock and spontaneously combust. To avoid this, measures had to be taken so Charizard could have a weakness to his main element of fire. However, in today's technological advanced world, one can edit the stats of any Pokemon to their liking.
- Seriously, unless you have the badges and balls, DO NOT under any circumstances attempt to train a Charizard or you'll end up like this faggot...
In Game Stats
|HP||78 138 - 185 266 - 230|
|Attack||84 80 - 149 155 - 293|
|Defence||78 74 - 143 144 - 280|
|Sp. Atk||109 102 - 177 200 - 348|
|Sp. Def||85 81 - 150 157 - 295|
|Speed||100 94 - 167 184 - 328|
In Pokemon Red/Blue (Green for you Japanophiles) /Fire Red/Leaf Green, Charmander is one of the 3 starters you can choose. Choosing the others is okay as Squirtle's last form, Blastoise, is full of win and Bulbasaur's last form, Venusaur, is pwnage. Choosing Charmader means you will be up for a challenge in the beginning. The first two gyms, Brock and Misty, are rock and water type pokemon, Charmader's weakness. It all prepares you for the level of awesome that is in stored. In the anime, Charizard could use attacks like fly. This proved to be bullshit in the 1996 first gen games as he couldn't learn the move Fly until the second gen when teh creator decide to making it a flying type as well. With Charizard on your team, there's no need for any pussy bird pokemon. Charizard can also learn Solarbeam that will make it able to own water Pokemon and Dragon Rage that will fuck up a Dragonite's shit or any other dragon type for that matter.
Charmader was cheery and grateful to Ash, like most of his Pokemon, after Ash rescued it from it's neglectful abusive trainer. This trainer got his ass charred to the third degree by Charmander at the end of the episode and joined up Ash's team. Once it evolved to a Charmeleon, it became a jerk. It became a complete asshole when it evolved into Charizard. Unlike Ash's other Pokemon who evolved, Charizard refused to suck Ash's balls after realizing Ash is just a faggy kid who hasn't gone through puberty and hasn't had enough badges. Charizard refused to take orders from Ash and would often burn him to a crisp if Ash kept bitching.
Giving her the Charizard
Last Thursday, GameFreak revealed this awe-inspiring image to the world. News about X and Y was slow... too slow, but then THIS THING, along with it's two homies, got a Mega Evolution - a new mechanic that allows Pokemon to transform temporarily during battle.
Look at this motherfucker. It's fucking Charizard. But you better shit your fucking pants, because Charizard just mega-evolved into MEGA-MOTHER-FUCKING CHARIZARD!!!1!! Unfortunately, Mega Charizard is still not a fucking Dragon type despite looking like a FUCKING DRAGON. So do yourself a favor, and evolve your nigger Charizard into Mega Charizard should you ever use him in a battle. Because he will FUCK. YOUR. SHIT. UP.
Nothing is safe from Mega Charizard, except rock type moves. If you don't have a rock type, then prepare to get violently disemboweled and your ass scorched when Mega Charizard comes flying. He will BURN YOUR SHIT, so make sure you have a water type with you too. But really, rocks do a better job since Mega Charizard is still not dragon type. HAHAHA DISREGARD THAT, I SUCK COCKS
NEWFAG 6 GEN POKEMON, CHARIZARD HAS TWO MOAR REVOLUTIONS. MEGA CHARIZARD X AND Y. That's right folks, the people at Game Freak has included Mega Evolutions that includes a few from gen 1. If you have the new Pokemon X and Y, get yourself a Charizard (what are you doing without one, faggot?) and make it Mega Evolve. Charizard will become either X or Y. Charizard Y is basically a suped up version of Charizard but it's still a faggy flying type, but with sunlight for you to never go outside again and to bring lulz from Africa getting pwned by famine. THIS MEANS THAT CHARIZARD DOESN'T NEED TO CHARGE ITS MOTHERFUCKING SOLARBEAM, SO PRAISE THE SUN AND LEVEL TOKYO WITH LAZ0RS, FAGGOT!! The only water on the battlefield is guaranteed to last will be from the ladies when they see this slick son of a bitch. Charizard X is full of epic win and get this, CHARIZARD IS NOW A MOTHERFUCKING DRAGON TYPE! Charizard X, the Nigger/Dragon Type, exists for the sole purpose of FUCKING SHIT UP and sticking it to the man. However, mega evolutions are be temporary, that is once the battle is over or your Pokemon faints, it will revert back to its old self. Seeing how much awesomeness that is generated from the powerhouse that is Charizard, it may be for the best that mega evolution is temporary, one cannot contain or possess many badges that will keep Charizard X obeying for long, since only fools think that niggers will listen to the white man when there isn't some other poor SOB to get a cap in his ass popped.
Sounds exciting, yes? Can't pick just one? Well, we here at ED advise you to ask yourself one simple question before you're ready to begin your epic journey into being a Charizard's bitch: "DO YOU WANNA BEND THE WORLD OVER AND JAM YOUR DICK INTO IT UNTIL ITS ASSHOLE TURNS INTO JELLY OR DO YOU WANNA RIP ITS HEART OUT, EAT IT, attend its funeral service, AND THEN EAT ITS FAMILY?"
is part of a series on Pokémon
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