Chess.com

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Chess.com (also known as the "Church of Chess Scientology") is one of the largest and certainly one of the gayest chess servers on the internet. Chess.com likes to fraudulently boast a membership of over six million members, but anyone with half a brain (which is more than most people on that site) knows that about 5.99 million of those accounts are closed, inactive, or sockpuppet accounts of the same handful of uncommonly persistent trolls that this website attracts.
Le MMORPG est moi!

Although the name of the site includes the word "chess", the site chess.com has absolutely nothing to do with the famous board game, but instead is an elaborate, closed MMORPG, where the players parlay their accolades and internet "recognition" to advance in their never-ceasing quest for one of two goals: (1) to suck the E-penis of the site administration, particularly that of "Kohai", or (2) to engage in the most pointless arguments possible on the series of tubes, about any topic (excluding chess), at any time.

David Pruess[edit]

The most recent butthurt the chess.com MMORPG has undergone has involved "International Master" David Prüss, (better known in the chess world as "DJ Prussian Blue", and "OctoPrüssy"), the only halfway decent member of the chess.com staff. Herr Prüss recently has been forced out of the administration due to a nasty break-up with his long time lover and co-worker International Master Daniel Rensch. Prüss has been unable to cope with his newfound unemployment and spends his days and nights losing to an Electronic Einstein Chess Wizard in between benders on box wine.

In true totalitarian style, any on-site discussion concerning the loss of the MMORPG's only bona fide real world asset has been met with insta-bans and swift deletion of any discussion concerning the departure of David Prüss. Even the increasingly few non-troll participants of the chess.com MMORPG have been either silenced or banned outright for merely mentioning the name of the former staff member Prüss, all of which supports chess.com's advertising claim to be the internet chess server "closest in practice to George Orwell's 1984!"

Chess.com and Wikipedia[edit]

The second-most recent in the ever-growing list of butthurt the members of chess.com have experienced was that Wikipedia deleted its article on chess.com from its own site in December 2012. Since then, the chess geeks haven't been able to shut up about it, and take this as the most heinous insult imaginable. To the average mind of a chess.com MMORPG'er, their site is an internationally significant organization just as deserving of an encyclopedia article as NATO or the Holy Roman Empire.

This "controversy" has wasted many a weekend of furious internet chattering amongst the chess.com MMORPG'ers, with most of them muttering something along the lines of "I just don't understand it", or "this must be a conspiracy." Finally, since all the squabbling about TOW was distracting the MMORPG from its ultimate quest of sucking the administration's E-penis, the admins had to put their collective E-penis down and threaten to ban anyone as much as mentioning Wikipedia.

Kohai[edit]

Here the queen skank Kohai offers a little boy user free premium access for being her bitch. Cunnilingus may also be required, with anilingus optional, but appreciated.

The site moderators, especially the vitriolic English single mom and all around Bureaucratic Fuck "Kohai," enjoy maintaining tight surveillance on their users, reading private messages and banning people at whim, mostly for not worshiping her turgid, throbbing E-penis. In line with its function as a MMORPG, chess.com is the only chess site on the internet where you can negotiate a complimentary premium membership just in return for being a snitch for the admins, thereby racking up your "gold" points or whatever it is those role-playing chess.com users call it.

DrSpudnik, KCO, and Corrijean[edit]

KCO, Spudnik, and Corrijean wear their chess.com "gold" membership stars proudly.

What sets this site apart from the rest of the fappy chess servers on the interwebs, in addition to not having a Wikipedia entry and also having 5.99 million inactive "accounts", is the size and activity on the chess.com "forums."

Since the practice of bribing users with complimentary premium memberships in return for being the administration’s bitch is so prevalent on the chess.com MMORPG, one wonders whether there are any "players" on the site forums that aren’t mere shills and hired mouthpieces for the site management.
What passes for typical "chess discussion" on the forums.

Typical of this "bought and paid for" brand of chess.com MMORPG’er are the trio of "DrSpudnik", "KCO", and "Corrijean." Like inmate Kapos in a German concentration camp, these three willingly whore themselves out to the site management to help keep their fellow inmates in line. Of course, while a concentration camp Kapo may collaborate with the Nazis for a chance to live a couple extra months, these three shills collaborate with the chess.com Nazis for the "value" of a mere "gold membership," which has a whopping price tag of about $20 a year.

Most nights at the chess.com KZ find these three idiots, along with their fellow traveller "Assil Cervix", not discussing chess on the forums, but simply congratulating each other in a self-reverential circle jerk on how cool and always right they themselves are, and of course tutoring their semi-literate, retarded, "pet bitch" KCO on the much-needed basics of remedial English language study, even though by all accounts, this KCO (being a native of Australia), is a native English speaker.

The triumvirate of "DrSpudnik, KCO, and Corrijean" even have their secret little treehouse on the chess.com MMORPG, known as the Royal Circle Jerk Society. Here, instead of hewing to the ostensible site maxim of being "relevant, helpful & nice" (sic), these shills and their cohorts engage in a daily ritual of sucking each other's E-cocks and basically taking out years of left-over frustration that linger from their marginalized high school geekdom.

Sam Shankland[edit]

Grand Master Sam Shankland is the lead faggot at chess.com.
Here the queen skank Shankland offers a little boy user free premium access for being her bitch. Cunnilingus may also be required, with anilingus optional.

Cheating[edit]

Chess.com claims to have a super secret cheater detection program but in reality any fifth grader with a minimal knowledge of C++ or Python could write a script along with an existing opensource chess engine that would beat any grandmaster. It would take a single afternoon to be ranked number one on Chess.com. Chess.com will ban anyone, anytime, and brand them a cheat with no chance for appeal and no explanation. The main reason such banning occurs is, as stated before, failure to slobber on the site management's E-penis.

Instructional Videos[edit]

Here is an example of the many instructional videos that Chess.com has to offer.

A video chess lesson by Grandmaster Eugene Kingston

International Master Jay from Philadelphia is now Chess.com's hottest property, producing annotated chess videos after this year's departure of contributors David Pruess and Sam Shankland.

"Six Muthafuckkin' Queens," chess commentary by International Master JayLove

International Master JayLove introduces himself to his Chess.com students

See Also[edit]

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