Childfree

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The childfree community logo
Family Planning is important, but they forgot to mention drip babies.
Some people shouldn't have had children.
Look at all the fun those childfree people are missing out on!

Lj-favicon.png childfree is one of the most drama-laden communities on LiveJournal, and has been best described as "the only movement of people who act just like the beings they not only used to be, but hate."

Summary[edit]

Childfree people are people who do not want to have or raise any children. They sometimes make fun of bad parents (referred to as "moos" or "breeders") and ill behaved children (they call them crotch-droppings, crotchfruit, sproggen, sproglodytes, crib-lizards, spermlettes, crayon-gobblers, flesh-loaves, snot-monsters, nipple-nibblers, shit-factories, uterine-chum, fartlings, twat-snot, semen-demons, sperm-vermin, fuck-trophies, cunt-runts, etc...), whose antics are an endless source of innocent merriment.

Usually this is done with a justifiable air of superiority, since by saying they plan to rot into dust with no spawn they are actually better than parents or children. Of course the childfree are superior - moos can only dream of their children growing up to enjoy their spare time, sleep, have expendable income, avoid piss, vomit, and diarrhea, engage in limitless sex without consequences, and spend time on LiveJournal.

Trolls regularly support their persecution complex, as no one in their right mind gives two shits whether they don't want to have kids. Regrettably, but with large quantities of lulz for the trolls involved, this has caused many to go insane. By the same token, however, the childfree often enjoy trolling breeders both online and IRL. Of course, they're far better at it since their spare time and cash usually leave them better educated, thinner, and better rested. Filthy breeder sows, being naturally more tense from their constant exposure to shrieking piles of feces, make things particularly easy.

People of the Childfree community are as varied as can be. Some love children, others couldn't care less, others dislike them, but the point is they're going to ride the Virginbus all the way into some horny-ass terrorist's bed in Hell. One thing in common amongst them is that it is always fun to laugh at a good dead baby joke because they're fucking hilarious, or handcuffing five-year-olds, or making children cry, or teenagers being molested. And most fail to realize when someone is exaggerating.

From the community User Info:

"We are a group of adults who all share at least one common desire: we do not wish to have children of our own. We are teachers, doctors, business owners, authors, computer experts - you name it. We choose to call ourselves "childfree" rather than "childless," because we feel the term "childless" implies that we're missing something we want - and we aren't. We consider ourselves childFREE - free of the loss of personal freedom, money, time and energy that having children requires"

For the record, childfree people do not necessarily hate children. Many childfree people actually love children and enjoy being around them-- they just don't want any of their own. True, some childfree folks hate kids, but they are entitled to their beliefs just as you are entitled to yours. As long as no one is getting hurt, who cares?

Perhaps the most entertaining aspect of the childfree advocates is their love of childish things. Cartoons, toys, video games, pretending to be animals and the like are all adored by them, and you may find the worst of them whining about going to a children's movie and being annoyed by the children. Strangely, loving your pet cat and asking for sympathy is OK, while hitting a kid with your bike elicits cheers.

One more example: while it's not OK for children to act out in public, it's perfectly OK for a childfree member to scream "EW A KID TOUCHED ME!" in the middle of a family restaurant. Opposing such "childish" behavior actually led to derision and scorn for the member who dared to question whether perhaps the screamer had gone too far. A similar case of awe-inspiring maturity and restraint can be seen here.

Let's not overlook the good points of the community, however. The Childfree community is also a place to discuss birth control, and insolent children. Also, anything that increases the number of dead baby jokes can't be all bad.

Childfree members often share their shock over unacceptable child behavior, and reminisce about the "old days" when parents taught their children not to scream and cry in public, steal other people's belongings, deliberately break others possessions, shit, puke, or demand constant, unwarranted attention from all. They dream of a world where parents discipline their children, remove them from polite society, and stop acting as if the world needs to lick their assholes because they managed to pull off a 'miracle' that any fieldmouse manages ten times a second.

Most childfree community members are quite compassionate towards others, as long as they are adult childfree people, or cats. A great many of them find joy in caring for younger siblings, or nieces, nephews, and assorted cousins, then sitting down at their computers and having a good laugh or two about the dumb moo who killed her sprog accidentally with a hair dryer, because let's face it - that shit is goddamned funny.

A psychological article[edit]

The opinions expressed herein are those of a qualified licensed doctor.

These People Are Fucked. Over and Over and Over and Over and Over and Over and Over and Over and Over and Over Again. Like Ron Jeremy on a Good Night. That's What the Sex is Like. These People Get *FUCKED UP*.
by Joe Brown, PhD (still looking for a real job).

Psychologically speaking, many of the users in the "childfree" LiveJournal community are diagnosed as "being fucked," or in some cases "being completely fucked." This is simply because, being childless, they have far more time to actually have sex.

People who join the LJ group seeking a common bond with people who prefer not to have children will soon see how fucked these people are and quickly get the fuck out of there. While, at first glance, some might say the users there are simply Scrooge-like bitter twisted old misers who can't stand to see the little brats and live in the 1800's, they are, in fact, fucked. Often.

Their fucked-up combination of pedophobia and misopaedia apparent in their discussions is usually the first things a psychologist sees, whom would usually render a diagnosis of "fucked." However, their additional verminophobia and adult chauvinism serve to demonstrate that a diagnosis of "completely fucked" is often in order. And thus, those who are, originally, only "fucked" or even "slightly fucked" encounter a stew of fucked up fuckery that simply makes them even more fucked.

On encountering a "childfree" person such as described, people are advised to say "What the fuck is wrong with you?" in a loud and direct voice. This usually shames them into either leaving, or, alternatively, setting a start date for their killing/molestation spree. For a good comparison of what the general values of the group are, think KKK meets some other fucked up shit.

Another common theory is that it is bunch of trolls telling dead baby jokes to each other. Some disagree, and say that standard trolls would have already realized how fucked up it was and left.

Note: A common exclamation upon learning about this perspective involves the use of the word "fuck." For example: "What the fucked up fucking fuck kind of fucking shit fucked up fuck is this shit, holy fuck." It is possible that their myriad of conditions cause Tourette's syndrome in others, but this fucking bullshit isn't even fucking proven fuck damn cocksucking whore shitting dick nipples.

Gallup[edit]

"Over the past 30 years, the fraction of women over 40 who have no children has nearly doubled, to about a fifth. According to the Gallup Organization, 70 percent of these women regret they have no kids.

It's possible some of these women regret not having children in the way they regret not taking more time off after college. But for others, this longing for the kids they did not have is a profound, soul-encompassing sadness."¹

  • David Brooks

Other Childfree Communities[edit]

While Childfree is the original place for childfree chat, a number of other communities have sprung up. Notables include:

In fact, there are now 102 communities on LiveJournal listing "childfree" as an interest. It seemed that Childfree has spawned at least 100 whiny, obnoxious communities that terrorize innocent bystanders. There is absolutely no irony in this.

Opposing Points of View[edit]

Some argue that they are fat greasy basement dwellers who have no chance of finding a partner of the opposite sex and have given up trying, not unlike faggots.

This is now fact[edit]

Now we know why they hate kids...


See Quiverfull.

Meta[edit]

See Also[edit]

External Links[edit]


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Childfree is part of a series on

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Featured article December 21, 2004
Preceded by
First evar!!
Childfree Succeeded by
Furry