TorGuard-VPN-Sitenotice.gif
Anonymous VPN Service + Torrent Proxy


Scales.png JONATHAN MONSARRAT FILED A SLAPP SUIT AGAINST US. Scales.png
Gavel.png
Scales.png Please donate what you can via Wesearchr to help us crowdfund this case.Scales.png

Bitcoin: 14cQP8BQ6FRkb5jHdTDQMpRZCpGNBnr4DH

Cocaine

From Encyclopedia Dramatica
Jump to: navigation, search

{{#shtml:Cocaine/Twittercard}}

A visual representation of the feeling derived from cocaine intake.
   
 
I DO COCAINE!! I REALLY DO COCAINE!!
 

 
 

Dr. Rockzo The Rock n' Roll Clown

   
 
Cocaine's a hell of a drug.
 

 
 

Rick James

Deviatedseptumcat knows what he likes.
This guy lives in a non-stop nightmare, fueled by co-co-co-cocaine!!!

Cocaine (AKA: Crack, Coke, Blow, Rock and Food of the Gods), is a stimulant that people take to heighten their worst traits and optimise the volume at which they talk, usually at the next fucking table in the bar I'm trying to have a quiet goddamn drink in. It gives the user energy, confidence, and the desire to go to the bathroom every ten minutes. It is usually powdered, and helpfully cut with even more toxic white powder in order to fuck your nose up, awesome. You can also mix it with a tiny amount of water and put it up your ass, though if you do this, remember to ram it home with a twelve-inch black dildo, you big queer.

You can obtain cocaine off any guy who is being a smug loud asshole in a bar, anybody who works in any kind of bank, black people, and off my buddy Rick's housemate, he does tons of blow.

History

Cocaine was invented by yuppies in the 80s, or possibly musicians in the 70s; these elite members of high society needed some kind of powder to snort off hookers' tits and asses, and heroin just made them pass out, and thus cocaine was born. It has the magical ability to turn the nicest guy into the most overbearing asshole and the nicest girl into a raging cockwallet, so it's obviously awesome! Sadly, the original purpose has been lost, and it's now commonly done by niggers off pizza boxes or DVD cases.

Effects

Men:

  • Gives you confidence to do anything
  • Focuses all your attention on doing more coke, that is your only priority, do more coke, always more coke
  • Makes you much angrier when women you confidently approach tell you to fuck off for being a coked up dick
  • Provides you with a handy Monday-morning cold your work colleagues will notice every single fucking week, and wonder why you only ever have it for one day and in one nostril
  • Makes you ragingly horny
  • Causes fun mood swings, where you can be exuberant and an asshole one minute, and a jittery, angry asshole the next
  • Makes you wildly impotent
  • Wow, dude, this is good stuff, anyway, I said to Sarah that I didn't mean to hurt her by sleeping with that Xerox place chick, women though man, yeah? You get me? Right! So I called her and got her roommate on the phone and I was on blow so talked to her to shoot the shit, you know how it is, her name's Stacey, I met her once and she's pretty fine but she was being a bit frosty with me, dude, do us another line, a fatty, a real fatty, I bought a new suit last week, the chicks will love it, I could use it for work because I'd love a raise and there's this new position I might go for, roll up this twenty dollar bill dude, use the end without blood on, anyway I called Sarah back and left a message on her machine and I kind of got off the track of just asking a call back and called her a bitch so this guy calls back like five minutes later all mad and
  • A Darwin Awards winner enhanced his sexual pleasure by injecting cocaine in to his urinary tract. The only side-effect was a painful three-day-long erection, after which his penis fell off and gangrene forced doctors to amputate his legs and most of his fingers.
  • Winning

Women:

Z-list Britfag 'celebrity' Daniella Westbrook got pwnt by cocaine
  • Women can't handle cocaine, bless them, they get all anxious, aww, poor little things!
  • Wow, look at the rack on that babe, I'd love to do coke off her tits
  • Some women turn into whores on cocaine, this is awesome
  • Amy Winehouse is was totally a cokehead
  • Some whores become more whorish on cocaine, this would be awesome but you may as well not buy them coke cause it's not cheap and they're whores already right?
  • Girls can lose weight if they do coke all the time, be sure to mention this to any vulnerable females you know who might just try some blow, them pimp them out in the throes of addiction
  • Women on cocaine are usually more inept at housework and will be too jittery to cook, so be wary
  • C'mon baby, let's do a line while we screw, c'mon, you'll get higher than ever before. Baby? Where are you going? It's not sleazy, it's another step in our erotic journey! You can do it off my cock, baby, please?
Even websites will teach you the 101 on Cocaine!

Help with Addiction

Cocaine can be really addictive, and a serious cocaine problem can ruin your life, or at least cause you to get bloody snot on your favourite sweater. Here's some handy tips to bear in mind if you think you have a cocaine problem:

  • The only real coke problem is running out of coke
  • Pepsi is not a good substitute for the "real thing"
  • If you find yourself craving coke, just do one line, that's all, what harm could one line do?
  • Remember cocaine is illegal unless you have a job
  • Be sure to try mixing it with soothing heroin. You might want to keep the purity of the heroin a surprise, because everyone loves surprises
  • Don't be a fucking pussy, snort more, you fucking fag, snort it, go on, rock and fucking roll, asshole
  • Try not to snort an odd number of cocaine molecules, as this is unlucky
  • Make sure to rewrite your OK Cupid profile when as coked up as humanly possible, and remember that women love jerks, and assume all the women on the site are losers, and with these facts in mind, message all the girls in your area
  • Make desperate phone calls to people you are pretty sure don't do any drugs, just on the off-chance they can score you more coke. Then in the morning, hold your head in your hands and weep, quietly, and look over at the baggie you emptied last night in a monster coke session. It looks like it's got a tiny bit in, right at the bottom. See it? A little bit of residue. You could stick your tongue in, that's it, right in, now look in the mirror and let the self-hatred settle in, attaboy
  • Slap a Canadian because as you all know, it's all Canada's fault bad things happen in the first place.

Crack

You'll need one or two of these
Don't forget this

Crack was invented by The Man to keep the niggers down, or more accurately, get them really high and with the energy to steal our TVs. Gee, thanks, CIA.

It's a smokeable form of coke, and super-potent, super-fun, and child-friendly.

White people are not permitted to smoke crack.

ON CRACK! as an old meme

On the Internet, you will occasionally encounter the sort of khaki-wearing, Conan-watching fuckwit who still considers the phrase "on crack" to be hilarious. e.g., "She's running around like a rabbit... ON CRACK!!!" This is grounds for a violent permaban from your flist.

Propecia, the Crack Ho

Propecia is a crackhead who hosts an advice show which features guests who call her with white people questions. She then proceeds to provide a response from the point of view of the ordinary crackhead on the street. Let's watch, shall we?

The Governments involvement in crack

As can be seen below, the CIA uses the federal Pro-Narcotic group known as the WKUK to spread their newfound product to the inner city regions. WARNING! WHAT YOU SEE BELOW IS A DRAMATIC RECREATION OF ACTUAL EVENTS! DO NOT TRY AT HOME! APPROACHING WILD NIGRAZ WITH DRUGS MAY RESULT IN RAEP OR DEATH! THIS SHOULD ONLY BE ATTEMPTED BY LICENSED OFFICIALS AND GOVERNMENT AGENTS!!!

Production

Safe and legal

All cocaine in the world comes from Colombia, Peru, and Bolivia. You should refer to it as Bolivian Marching Powder, Columbian Supersalt, or Peruvian Nosecandy, if you want to be a proper cokehead. If you go to Colombia you will find that the natives live on a big mountain of cocaine, and every resident is an expert in its manufacture. This justifies dropping massive amounts of herbicide on the country from planes, which increases the price of cocaine and thus the profits of the suppliers, which helps win the war on drugs. If you disagree you hate America. Cocaine begins it's long journey to your nasal cavity as a cash crop grown mainly in Bolivia and Columbia, where billionaire drug kingpins enslave entire nations by getting them all hooked on blow and then tricking them into working out in the fields, where they work effectively as they are on blow. Provided they don't get raided by those meddling DEA agents and their drug sniffing German Shepherds, the drug overlords of South America then have the goods tightly packaged and then surgically implanting them into the stomach of a loli for transportation into the states. This practice, known as drug muling, is a particularly brutal procedure that ultimately results in the pwnage of the loli, but what the fuck do I care I just want my motherfucking powder. The coke is then delivered to your friendly neighborhood drug dealer, who providing he doesn't try and rip you off by hacking at your friend's limbs with a chainsaw, will sell you the goods so you can take them to a hooker and snort it off her ass.

Famous People who have used Cocaine

  • Every single famous person has done cocaine with Rob Lowe.

Gallery

[Collapse GalleryExpand Gallery]

See Also

Holyshittrippinballsawesome1.gif

Cocaine

is part of a series on

Drugs

[Cut It OutExpand Your Mind]

Holyshittrippinballsawesome.gif
List of Drugs

AmphetaminesAqua DotsBath SaltsBenzosBotoxBuprenorphineCocaineDextromethorphanDMTDramamineEcstasyInhalants See Also: AboriginesKetamineLSALSDMescalineMeow MeowOpioidsPCPResearch ChemicalsSalviaShroomsWeed

Internets Drug Phenomena

420chanBakedfursBananadineBenny LavaCaffeineDaturaErowidGrass CityIcingJenkemKrokodilKrystle ColeLatawnyaNutmegSilk RoadStraight EdgeSmoke Weed Everyday

Related Trips

AbsintheAlcoholBaby BongBreaking BadDealerMK ULTRAPrunoToad lickingTobaccoVaping

Featured article June 9th & 10th, 2016
Preceded by
Coincidence Detector
Cocaine Succeeded by
Anne Wheaton