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So, you're now 18 years and will be graduating high school soon, and are unsure what to do with your life. There's only one choice for you: COLLEGE! Yes, college. Because as everyone knows, unless you go to college you will wind up unemployed and homeless. Without college, you cannot possibly hope to accomplish anything in your life.
Colleges/Universities are famous theme parks where rich Jews, Whites, and Azns pay about $80,000-$120,000 Jewgolds in order to get that special Master's Degree or Doctor's degree so they can set out and change the world! Occasionally, one will come across a black or Mexican college student. However, these students are only attending school on athletic scholarships, and 99% of them will fail out or fail to go professional and be reduced to dealing drugs. Overly social white girls will go to college to whore themselves in an effort to try to win approval of their peers and become true beer sluts.
It should be noted that in England, the curriculum seems to take pride in forcing their students into a life dominated by the debt their tuition loans deal them in three years, which for many people just can't be shaken off, no matter how hard they work.
- 1 Famous Colleges
- 2 College Activities
- 3 Quotes
- 4 College Students
- 5 Art
- 6 Death of "Talking"
- 7 The Ugly Truth About College
- 8 Degrees worth pursuing: Science, Technology, Engineering, & Mathematics
- 9 Degrees not worth pursuing: Hobbies/Shit you could learn on your own time
- 10 Cheating
- 11 Jobs open to those who go to college
- 12 Gallery
- 13 External Links
- Akinator Academy of People Guessing
- Drexel University
- STF U
- NO U
- Penn State
- V Tech
- ITT Tech
- University of Phoenix
- Delaware State University
- Kaplan University
Here are some typical activities in which a college student might partake
- Eating. A lot of eating. Most of the students eat at McDonald's, their future workplace. Large amount of them call it simply "Mac", which is actually a symptom of progressing stupidity. Later, these students use the letter "M" to forget the proper name in the end.
- Paying $200 for a book that costs $15 to make, only to not read it and get
50 dollars back for it at the end of the semester
- Paying to learn things that you already knew, or didn't need to know
- Wear khaki cargo shorts, corona t-shirts, and flip-flops
- Discovering that the majority of your professors can't teach for shit or even communicate effectively with other people
- Video games
- Date Rape
StudyingThat test is in three days, I'll be fine.
- Moar sex and drugs
- Skipping your morning class to finish writing a paper that's due for your afternoon class
- Moar drinking
- Paying an assload for room and board, only to get a room the size of a closet
- Moar Ramen
- Paying another assload for a meal plan, only to realize that the on-campus food sucks ass, dick, and balls (unless you go to Virginia Tech, but then it doesn't matter because you'll just be shot anyways)
- Realizing the corporate world doesn't need you.
- Moar procrastination
StudyingDude, that test is still two days away, I'll be all right.
- Moar drinking
- WHAT THE FUCK?! I have a test in six hours? Oh Christ, I haven't studied and I'm so hungover!
- Back to edit Encyclopedia Dramatica.
- Trolling or getting trolled by evangelists
- Participate in big, meaningless protests and have your ass kicked by the police.
- Practicing how to load and handle firearms because you figured out that college was a massive scam to get you into multiple more years of schooling that cost more money then you will ever see in your life, or make with the job at macdonalds that you will end up having whether you went to college or not
For the most part, college is really just a place where kids want to have sex and do drugs. This is probably because they never got the chance to bomb some vagoo in high school. Many of these aforementioned college students join a college band to greater increase their chance of scoring anal penetration with their illustrious jail bait.
Typically, college students are some of the most ignorant and shallow people on the fucking planet. Despite supposedly coming to school to learn, most college students are there to get STDs and become pregnant so they can sell their syphilis infested nigger baby to the black market to pay for the 100 grand in student loans they owe because they chose to go to a private school like Harvard. Little do most students know that babies with AIDS go for just a little over 9000 on the black market, still leaving them with staggering debt only cured by becoming an hero or starting a porn site where you give blowjobs to children with Down Syndrome while you shit out your nipples, since that is basically what everyone on the interwebs wants to see.
College students possess the "unique" trait of thinking that they will be able to do something productive with their lives. However, we all know that at least 100 out of 100 college students in this country are destined to get in line to suck Ronald McDonald's epic clown cock for the rest of their lives (srsly, what else did you think you were going to do with that Bachelor's degree in philosophy?)
—Ronald McDonald, speaking to a college student
Typical College Student
99% of college students will be smug, bi-curious, left-wing, vegetarian hippies who listen to shitty, pretentious, Indie bands, use Macs, do drugs, drink too much at parties in an attempt to look cool, major in philosophy or German history, and have unwarranted senses of self-importance. Or they can be Republicans.
The "Freshman 15" refers to the tendency of college students to put on weight in the freshman year thanks to all the free food. Lazers from unknown sources are fired at hot, nubile, bangable chicks when they enter college that turn them into massive cockmonglers of truly epic proportions at the end of the freshman year.
A career that most rich whiteys living in the west coast take in order to "reinvent" the world of art. Kids who take a career in art find that spending a fortune for a couple of classes a year is a lot better than spending a couple bucks for a few instructional books, paint, art pencils, and some sketch books to draw their great masterpieces!
Death of "Talking"
Colleges students enjoy the thrills of the internets (read: not getting laid) and spend the majority of their time "talking" on instant messengers and "poking" people that would never EVAR sex them on facebook. This amount of social interaction has left them with chafed and bleeding penises from fapping too much to baby rape and anthro guro. Today's college students maintain a strict code of complete silence while in class. Contribution of any kind to class discussion is taboo; it's preferable to let the silence spin out for at least five minutes rather than answer when the prof asks for the definition of "plagiarism". Once class is over and the paralyzing fear of answering a question wrong in class has safely passed, college students are free to spend their pent-up communication skills running through their dorms drunk, naked and screaming as T-Pain blares from their roomate's Mac.
The Ugly Truth About College
The vast majority of four-year college graduates (except those going on to science, engineering, and law degrees, as well as those pursuing careers in hot gay sex) will earn less over their working lifetimes than someone who spent 1/4 the time and 1/4 the money getting an HVAC (Heating, Ventilation, and Air Conditioning) certificate. That's right — the Mexican guy who fixes your A/C makes more than you, college boy, and has no student loans to pay off! LOL
Though if you went to college, where they teach you how to suck cocks and cherry-pick data to get the results that match your preconceived notions, you would cite the correct statistics:
- Sample salaries of holders of a B.B.A.
- Sample salaries of holders of a B.S.
- Sample salaries of holders of a B.A.
Degrees worth pursuing: Science, Technology, Engineering, & Mathematics
STEM is the best choice: supply and demand. Other jobs of an inferior pay:
- Human trafficking
- Teaching Great refuge for former comm majors who want a second chance at life.
Degrees not worth pursuing: Hobbies/Shit you could learn on your own time
- Liberal Arts
- French History
- Being one of those poor as shit losers who study the French language when there are already a billion and a half bilingual people in Canada who will still speak it better than you after 4 yours of school because you're too poor to go to a French speaking country for immersion exercises. For that matter, any language. If you're poor and want to learn a language, join the Army and if you can get high enough scores, sign up as a linguist. Surprisingly, they are very efficiant, have decent schools for it and you won't be in debt for $100,000 to evil Student Loan providers. Even better, you'll have a job with a promise of advancement instead of being that so called bilingual guy salting fries after 4 years of college.
- Gender Studies All you are doing is majoring in a field that thinks up different ways to say that it's the penis that makes a man superior to a woman and why she should be in the kitchen making sammiches. You should start, right now, practicing cold calling people for magazine subscriptions if you sign up for this major.
- Art Popularly called the special ed classes by the dean, president or anyone of authority at a college.
- except Graphic Design. See Advertising.
- Fine Arts Usually majored in by hot, rich, skinny girls from well established families who get underpaying jobs at a museum cataloguing or restoring art so they can have a job 3 days a week to get away from their kids who are being taken care of by an illegal immigrant they hired as a nanny. Unless you're rich and have a well known family name, keep out, because, even if you can get a job, it's the low pay that keeps the trash out.
- Business You are not going to be God Emperor Trump. If you're lucky, you might end up as middle management at a grocery store, right below someone who started there, at 14, as a bag boy. Who's smarter now? The guy who has worked at the same place for 20 some years, or you, the college graduate $125,000 in dept for that Bachelors Degree everyone convinced you would make you desirable for hire. For a Masters, add another $200,000.
- American Studies If you're good at bullshitting, you can get a degree in American Studies writing about the different types of shipping that exist in fanfiction on the internet. Like a soiology degree but without the respect. Master this phrase before starting, "Would you like fries with that?"
- Music Realy worthless because all the famous musicians with degrees in music can be counted on one hand. Randy Rhodes and Steve Vai. I'm done. Usually serves as a minor for Jews and Asians with over bearing parents that demand that their kid know how to play the violin. Most people that major in music find themselves homeless and standing around a subway all day for a handfull of change each day because e-currency has done away with the need to carry money and the annoyance of the pocketful of change that came with spending real money. If their parents let them move back into the basement, they're the ones on youtube, publishing videos promising to show you how to play a popular song on guitar or piano while e-begging for money so they can finish their masterpiece.
- Radio Does anyone even listen to this thing anymore? When it's called communications, it's usually majored in by anyone on a football scholarship.
- Literature Unless you are graduating from an Ivy League school you will not find a job in this field and even then, it's a toss in the air. Hope you like obnoxious high school students because most people with this degree go back for a teaching certificate because they think they are above blue collar work.
- International Studies Popularly called "White Guilt needs to travel to some poor ass country that has no concept of hygiene or the toilet so they can tell us how superior the savages are," by people with real majors like accounting.
- Game Development, unless of course you want to take 30 extra classes when only 2 are related to video games, or even computers in any way. You will have to endure creative writing classes, English and grammar classes, color theory, design, Art appreciation, art history, art theory, freehand drawing etc. Because a lot of the schools offering this degree want to be accredited and financially rape students with classes they don't need because colleges have learned how to convince students that if they want to be really good at something, they have to learn everything that pertains to it. If colleges could get away with it, they'd demand that programming majors be made to take electrical enginerring classes.
- Political science Unless the name Harvard or some other Ivy league school will be at the top of your diploma and you're capable of getting into some secret reach around society like Skull and Bones don't even attempt it. This is usually majored in by the rich, C- average, frat boy, sail boat captain bore that knows he'll have a job making $350,000 a year the second he graduates.
- Philosophy You know what a lot of the homeless have in common? They all majored in philosophy.
- Comparative religion/Bible Studies It's called theology retard.
- Theatre If you like traveling from state to state earning $50 a night doing dinner theatre because you think it will lead to your big break, sign up.
- Cryptozoology Seriously? This is a thing? If you're stupid enough to think that lensflare or a finger print on the camera's mirror is proof positive for the existance of ghosts, go ahead and waste your money retard.
- Hotel and Restaurant management Usually studied by squirrelly little guys that have a fascination with upskirts and pee cams.
- Library Science Unless you're a woman and a hot read head with big tits that wears her glasses on a chain like a medallion and fond of kilt style skirts - you have no chance.
- Visual and Performing Arts
- Foreign Language
- Interior Design
- Creative Writing If you have enough talent, you an always rise to be that person who writes the original stories in their shopping market's daily shopper.
- Social Sciences If you need to ask yourself why so many girls that majored in this become strippers and then try to rationalize it away by saying that they're working on a book when they have to lap dance someone they know - you're an idiot.
- Agriculture Usually taken up by those 4H Hill Billys that you made fun of in grade school but sucked up to in High School because they always had the best weed. Best people to make friends with in college if you're fond of Smoking Mother Earth.
- Botany or Horticulture Gay, unless you're going to use that knowledge to develop better strains of weed. You will most likely end up working at a flower shop.
- Photography Only taken by serious students looking to use it as a skill to augment their major like Engineering or people looking to have a little fun. Most people that major in photography quickly get frustrated by their inability to get a job and either start a porn site or get arrested producing child porn.
- Zoology For the idiots who can't pass the Organic Chemistry Classes needed for the real Biology classes.
- Cultural Studies Nothing screams White Guilt louder.
- Conflict Resolution People really major in this? Usually taken by criminal law majors that want to be a hostage negotiator for the FBI or police.
- Animal Science
- Leisure Studies
- Equestrian Studies
- Anything on MIT OpenCourseWare
- David Beckham studies
- Doctorate of Philosophy in Ufology
- The Phallus (WTF)
- Surfing Studies
- Queer Musicology
- Star Trek
- Golf Management
- Art History
Let's face it, weather you go to a prestigious temple of higher learning like Harvard, Yale, Oxford, or to some backwater dump that no one cares about, you will profit greatly from some good ol' cheating.
Cheating methods are numerous, and with the advent of modern technology they have been made so easy that even semi-retards can finish a college with little difficulty (explains a lot, eh?). Below are some of the old and new methods.
- Calculator - When it comes to math or math heavy subjects like chemistry or engineering, don't go cheap. Invest some money and buy yourself a calculator that allows you to store notes and formulas. You're only going to need it for four fucking years if you're majoring in these subjects so before you get all holy about cheating and get the retard mindset that you can do it on your own through hard work and perserverance, the next time you take a test - look to see what the class geek is using and you'll see that it's a $400 or $500 calculator that can directly connect to a computer or have Wi-fi capabilities. This is called one of the advantages of having money or being smart socially. Cheating is when you get caught palming a piece of paper or looking at someone else's test. A calculator is a tool that you're allowed to use when taking a test. If you have a decent Freshman mentor whose last brain cell wasn't wiped out from syphilis or dope, they will most likely recomend, or rather demand that you buy one with the more than logical argument, "If they're so looked down upon by the staff, then why can you buy one in the student bookstore?"
- Crib notes - A classic, may come in many shapes or forms, useful when needing to memorize a list of short information (dates, formulas, names etc.). Best to be the size of your palm for easy concealment. A lot of girls do a version of this where they wear a short skirt and write notes on their thigh. Not very clever if you're a pretty decent looking or hot chick because, if the professor is male, you will sooner or later catch his attention flipping your skirt when he takes a break to eye fuck some eye candy. If it's a female professor she will know what you are doing after the first attempt and flunk you instantly so do not attempt with a female professor unless you want to be put on probation for cheating.
- Transcription - Another oldie but goodie. A keen eyesight is recommended as you will probably be seated some distance apart. You can also, prior to the test, collude with whomever will sit next to you (if the seating arrangement is not dictated by the professor) so that your partner holds up a page while he ¨looks at something on the other side¨. Make sure that your partner is at least somewhat smarter than you.
- Benchmarking - Write what you need on the bench you are sitting on. Can be useful in combination with crib notes but make sure that you can conceal it, or it isn't very visible. Some people use the back of the chair in front of them because most people don't naturally look there.
- Pencil Case Lurking - Stuff a note or better yet, a fricking smartphone into your pencil case (it should be large and of square shape). Will work best if your bench has a little barrier sticking on the front side.
- Boardaudacity - Write notes on the motherfucking board behind the professor (before the exam ofc you dumbass). He/She/It may not notice since it is somewhat common for there to be scribbling on the board. You can try and write notes in leetspeak since most old farts and middle aged twats aren't as hip and kewl as you to know what a leetspeak is, much less how to read it.
- Newspapers/News site - If there is a pc on the desk, open up a news site or get some recent newspapers if the prof is old. This could make the professor sit down and read it, giving you nigh-free rein.
- ¨Excuse me, i have a question...¨ - If the professor is standing in an awkward spot, make up some bullshit question to ask, after answering it he/she will probably move to a different spot and you will have a new opportunity to cheat in peace.
- Earpiece - Simply stick an earpiece into your foul dirty earholes and have your minion(s) blabble the answers into your ears, will work marvels if used in tandem with a hidden camera so that you don't waste any time. Long hair is very helpful but don't wag your head too much. Works for oral exams too if you use a mic instead of a camera.
- Card marking/folding - A professor may have an oral exam and use cards with questions on them. Convince your colleagues to fold one point of a card and memorise the question, thus when you enter and the cards are shuffled, you will know beforehand which to pull. Take note that you should arrange this with only one or two other chumps as the professor will get suspicious if ala of you idiots keep magically picking the same questions.
- Essay scamming - Don't copy-paste from wikipedia you moron, transcribe it in your own words, and use the citations in the articles themselves as source (and/or google for the stuff you are writing about). If done right, the professor may well realise what you have done, but will be powerless as he won't be able to prove easily that it's a work of plagiarism, or won't care. The only time a professor has any power is when he gets 30 essays that all sound the same because everyone chose the same subject. Even if there are only 2 or 3 essays on the same subject it is important that you take enough time to ensure that your essay sounds differant by reorganizing how the information is presented and rewrite it in a way that they professor will be convinced is you or you will be either be taking the class again or finding a new school because universities don't take plagerism lightly. Plagerism is hard to catch but when someone is caught, they're made a pariah. Ask Nick Simmons about it sometime before he gets all butthurt and gets you IP banned from twitter.
Jobs open to those who go to college
- Pencil pushing
- 4chan mod: serious business
- Packing boxes
- Fudge packing
- Grave digging
- Stabbing puppies
- Fantard that spends all day editing their Star Wars website about physics and George Lucas' ignorance in it bacause of their inability to get a job because everytime they go on an interview, all that the interviewer sees is an unstable spaz You're going to get so rich at a tenth of a cent for every ad click on your site, you'll be able to buy and sell all those people who refused to hire you.
- charge for rule 34 requests of popular characters on Art themed sites
- Do what Chris Chan does after spending 5 years on a 2 year associates degree.
- Get a job at a morgue as that creepy guy everyone knows is a necrophile that wheels the bodies around.
- Be like the 10 billion people with art degrees and make a youtube channel that only makes top 10 lists like Planet Dolan or Watch Mojo.
- A summary of 99% of the people you will meet at college. A pretty entertaining read, originally posted on Something Awful.
- Essay Writing Services
- Establishing Dorm Dominance Informative article on Resident Assistants or "dormitory landlords" from Triple Star News.
- Foundation for Individual Rights in Education - Read about cases of the academies being intolerant of the intolerant and find out if your college wishes to silence dissenting views and maintain a monopolistic marketplace of ideas. Better not have an alternative understanding of history. Shitlord.
- Free Speech University Rankings - See where your UK University stands on free speech. The majority are basically fascist, including Oxford.
- UCSB student called 'fascist' for questioning aid to illegals
College is part of a series on Education
[Go To School]
is part of a series on Culture