College

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At least four years and hundreds of thousands of dollars wasted. No, it's not.
the key to success in Education

So, you're now 18 years and will be graduating high school soon, and are unsure what to do with your life. There's only one choice for you: COLLEGE! Yes, college. Because as everyone knows, unless you go to college you will wind up unemployed and homeless. Without college, you cannot possibly hope to accomplish anything in your life.

Colleges/Universities are famous theme parks where rich Jews, Whites, and Azns pay about $80,000-$120,000 Jewgolds in order to get that special Master's Degree or Doctor's degree so they can set out and change the world! Occasionally, one will come across a black or Mexican college student. However, these students are only attending school on athletic scholarships, and 99% of them will fail out or fail to go professional and be reduced to dealing drugs. Overly social white girls will go to college to whore themselves in an effort to try to win approval of their peers and become true beer sluts.

It should be noted that in England, the curriculum seems to take pride in forcing their students into a life dominated by the debt their tuition loans deal them in three years, which for many people just can't be shaken off, no matter how hard they work.

PROTIP: You gotta take the fucking ACT/SAT first.

Famous Colleges[edit]

College Activities[edit]

Here are some typical activities in which a college student might partake

Well prepared for a Powerpoint presentation.

Quotes[edit]

   
 
If you want to get laid, go to college. If you want an education, go to the library.
 

 
 

Frank Zappa

   
 
I don't remember learning anything last time I went to the library. I just remember the elevator party.
 

 
 

Anonymous

   
 
The one thing I remember about college is the number of times that my grandfather died.
 

 
 

Anonymous

   
 
You're fucking 18, why the fuck didn't you join the army?! You don't worth being a part of your nation!
 

 
 

an educated person

   
 
A lot of fellows nowadays have a B.A., M.D., or Ph.D. Unfortunately, they don't have a J.O.B.
 

 
 

Anonymous

   
 
College is the best time of your life. When else are your parents going to spend several thousand dollars a year just for you to go to a strange town and get drunk every night?
 

 
 

David Wood

   
 
I wouldn't even be here if my Dad weren't paying for it.
 

 
 

Anonymous

College Students[edit]

Typical male student-teacher relationship.

For the most part, college is really just a place where kids want to have sex and do drugs. This is probably because they never got the chance to bomb some vagoo in high school. Many of these aforementioned college students join a college band to greater increase their chance of scoring anal penetration with their illustrious jail bait.

Typically, college students are some of the most ignorant and shallow people on the fucking planet. Despite supposedly coming to school to learn, most college students are there to get STDs and become pregnant so they can sell their syphilis infested nigger baby to the black market to pay for the 100 grand in student loans they owe because they chose to go to a private school like Harvard. Little do most students know that babies with AIDS go for just a little over 9000 on the black market, still leaving them with staggering debt only cured by becoming an hero or starting a porn site where you give blowjobs to children with Down Syndrome while you shit out your nipples, since that is basically what everyone on the interwebs wants to see.

College students possess the "unique" trait of thinking that they will be able to do something productive with their lives. However, we all know that at least 100 out of 100 college students in this country are destined to get in line to suck Ronald McDonald's epic clown cock for the rest of their lives (srsly, what else did you think you were going to do with that Bachelor's degree in philosophy?)


   
 
You've got a little jizz on your mouth...uhh...uhh...theeeeere ya go
 

 
 

—Ronald McDonald, speaking to a college student

Typical College Student[edit]

What a hawt girl looks like before college.

99% of college students will be smug, bi-curious, left-wing, vegetarian hippies who listen to shitty, pretentious, Indie bands, use Macs, do drugs, drink too much at parties in an attempt to look cool, major in philosophy or German history, and have unwarranted senses of self-importance. Or they can be Republicans.

The other 1% includes the makers of Google, Moot, and other makers of the internets. They also include almost all Presidents. You'll probably end working for one of these study-fetishists.

Freshman 15[edit]

The "Freshman 15" refers to the tendency of college students to put on weight in the freshman year thanks to all the free food. Lazers from unknown sources are fired at hot, nubile, bangable chicks when they enter college that turn them into massive cockmonglers of truly epic proportions at the end of the freshman year.

College Professors[edit]

During your adventure in the land of higher education, you will encounter powerful being called professors. These can be friend or foe, impart great knowledge or boredom and fuck you good or fuck you up good, ad it is therefore important that you recognize the various breeds that stalk the college halls:

  • Good Guy Greg's uncle - This type of professor is genuinely cool to listen and his classes are more often than not interesting or at least highly bearable. They are usually either very young (them youthful idealism and the ability to remember that they were once students as well). They usually teach some "oddball" subject but can seldom be found lecturing one of the main courses. You will either breeze through their class or expend only a moderate effort for a B or A.
  • Stern-ish but fair - These types are the result of when GGG's uncle mentioned above gets a few years under his belt as a teacher. They aren't cunts by a long shot, but the cynicism is beginning to show. He might joke around or be a bit relaxed with you, but make no mistake, you will have to earn your grade as messing around (while not being an imbecile) will only net you a D or if you are somewhat smarter, a C+.
  • Punch clock prof - Years of college have sucked away most of his/her gusto and thus this type performs their duty more automatically. Good in that they are apathetic enough not to care if you do shit, but will also not care about you. If you study moderately, they are manageable and soon dealt with.
  • The ideologue - A fun li'l creature that you will recognise during your second or third lecture. You feel that something is off, that the guy has an agenda, and he does. Nowadays they are mostly marxists/socialists if male, or genderists/feminists/progressives if female. Be very, very careful around these types as they will bust your ass if you say or write something that conflicts with their worldview. On the upside, if you conform to their bullshit, you can get an easy grade (make sure that you don't actually start believing their crap though, it can happen)
  • The bastard - This shitnugget loves to make you and/or your class suffer, they will fail students left and right for shits and giggles. Mercifully rare, but once you get one, you either have to study like a maniac, wait them out (have them be your last course, at this point they might let you go) or arrange for an "accident".
  • The USI Assistant - Often a prof in the making, these guys can be pretentious smug bitches if male, or overzealous sargeants if female. You deal with them mostly if/when the regula prof is away. Best strategy is to just do what you need to pas - like bad cafeteria food, chew it out and forget.
  • The Thatcher/Dominatrix - Thes one can be a stern bitch that will fuck with you for her amusement or a stern dame from which's classes you might actually learn some shit. Oddly enough, she will often respect you as a "worthy opponent" during orals if you know your stuff and will let you pass, sometimes with a good grade too!
  • The Grandma - This is when a thatcher archetype or more rarely, some other female professor becomes old and enters the twilight years of her career. She will still retain some of her stern no-nonsense attitude, but will also mellow out due to being close to retirement and thus she's not much of a problem if you study moderately.
  • Good Guy Greg's Grandpa - One of the "good endings" leads to the GGG's uncle becoming this. He's been through the education system long enough to not give a damn, but in a good way, and has through some miracle managed to retain some goodness from his earliest days as a professor. May be eccentric and ramble about weird shit or his life experiences so there is a limited amount of what you can learn unless you ask him directly about his field of expertise. Passing his class may be easy or may require some effort, but is generally manageable.

You might have noticed how the prevailing strategy for dealing with many types here is to simply bow your head and work it off, and for a good reason. While mommy and daddy could bitch-slap your teacher in elementary, and you could theoretically beat the crap out of your high school teacher, none of those will do you any good in college but get your ass laughed off or v& to downtown.

However, if someone is being a MASSIVE dick and is downright evil, it isn't unheard of disgruntled students pwning the offending professor/s outside college in myriad ways, it rarely teaches them a lesson but is satisfying.

Art[edit]

A career that most rich whiteys living in the west coast take in order to "reinvent" the world of art. Kids who take a career in art find that spending a fortune for a couple of classes a year is a lot better than spending a couple bucks for a few instructional books, paint, art pencils, and some sketch books to draw their great masterpieces!

Death of "Talking"[edit]

Colleges students enjoy the thrills of the internets (read: not getting laid) and spend the majority of their time "talking" on instant messengers and "poking" people that would never EVAR sex them on facebook. This amount of social interaction has left them with chafed and bleeding penises from fapping too much to baby rape and anthro guro. Today's college students maintain a strict code of complete silence while in class. Contribution of any kind to class discussion is taboo; it's preferable to let the silence spin out for at least five minutes rather than answer when the prof asks for the definition of "plagiarism". Once class is over and the paralyzing fear of answering a question wrong in class has safely passed, college students are free to spend their pent-up communication skills running through their dorms drunk, naked and screaming as T-Pain blares from their roommate's Mac.

The Ugly Truth About College[edit]

The vast majority of four-year college graduates (except those going on to science, engineering, and law degrees, as well as those pursuing careers in hot gay sex) will earn less over their working lifetimes than someone who spent 1/4 the time and 1/4 the money getting an HVAC (Heating, Ventilation, and Air Conditioning) certificate. That's right — the Mexican guy who fixes your A/C makes more than you, college boy, and has no student loans to pay off! LOL

Though if you went to college, where they teach you how to suck cocks and cherry-pick data to get the results that match your preconceived notions, you would cite the correct statistics:

Degrees worth pursuing: Science, Technology, Engineering, & Mathematics[edit]

STEM is the best choice: supply and demand. Other jobs of an inferior pay:

Degrees not worth pursuing: Hobbies/Shit you could learn on your own time[edit]

Cheating[edit]

Let's face it, weather you go to a prestigious temple of higher learning like Harvard, Yale, Oxford, or to some backwater dump that no one cares about, you will profit greatly from some good ol' cheating.

Cheating methods are numerous, and with the advent of modern technology they have been made so easy that even semi-retards can finish a college with little difficulty (explains a lot, eh?). Below are some of the old and new methods.


  • Calculator - When it comes to math or math heavy subjects like chemistry or engineering, don't go cheap. Invest some money and buy yourself a calculator that allows you to store notes and formulas. You're only going to need it for four fucking years if you're majoring in these subjects so before you get all holy about cheating and get the retard mindset that you can do it on your own through hard work and perserverance, the next time you take a test - look to see what the class geek is using and you'll see that it's a $400 or $500 calculator that can directly connect to a computer or have Wi-fi capabilities. This is called one of the advantages of having money or being smart socially. Cheating is when you get caught palming a piece of paper or looking at someone else's test. A calculator is a tool that you're allowed to use when taking a test. If you have a decent Freshman mentor whose last brain cell wasn't wiped out from syphilis or dope, they will most likely recomend, or rather demand that you buy one with the more than logical argument, "If they're so looked down upon by the staff, then why can you buy one in the student bookstore?"
  • Crib notes - A classic, may come in many shapes or forms, useful when needing to memorize a list of short information (dates, formulas, names etc.). Best to be the size of your palm for easy concealment. A lot of girls do a version of this where they wear a short skirt and write notes on their thigh. Not very clever if you're a pretty decent looking or hot chick because, if the professor is male, you will sooner or later catch his attention flipping your skirt when he takes a break to eye fuck some eye candy. If it's a female professor she will know what you are doing after the first attempt and flunk you instantly so do not attempt with a female professor unless you want to be put on probation for cheating.
  • Transcription - Another oldie but goodie. A keen eyesight is recommended as you will probably be seated some distance apart. You can also, prior to the test, collude with whomever will sit next to you (if the seating arrangement is not dictated by the professor) so that your partner holds up a page while he ¨looks at something on the other side¨. Make sure that your partner is at least somewhat smarter than you.
  • Benchmarking - Write what you need on the bench you are sitting on. Can be useful in combination with crib notes but make sure that you can conceal it, or it isn't very visible. Some people use the back of the chair in front of them because most people don't naturally look there.
  • Pencil Case Lurking - Stuff a note or better yet, a fricking smartphone into your pencil case (it should be large and of square shape). Will work best if your bench has a little barrier sticking on the front side.
  • Boardaudacity - Write notes on the motherfucking board behind the professor (before the exam ofc you dumbass). He/She/It may not notice since it is somewhat common for there to be scribbling on the board. You can try and write notes in leetspeak since most old farts and middle aged twats aren't as hip and kewl as you to know what a leetspeak is, much less how to read it.
  • Newspapers/News site - If there is a pc on the desk, open up a news site or get some recent newspapers if the prof is old. This could make the professor sit down and read it, giving you nigh-free rein.
  • ¨Excuse me, i have a question...¨ - If the professor is standing in an awkward spot, make up some bullshit question to ask, after answering it he/she will probably move to a different spot and you will have a new opportunity to cheat in peace.
  • Something is Bugging me - Simply stick an earpiece into your foul dirty earholes and have your minion(s) blabble the answers into your ears, will work marvels if used in tandem with a hidden camera so that you don't waste any time. Long hair is very helpful but don't wag your head too much. Works for oral exams too if you use a mic instead of a camera.
  • The Quest for Knowledge! - This is a somewhat lengthy process and a multi-generational effort that works best in the long-term. After you finish your test/exam immediately write all the questions that you can remember and ask your colleagues if you didn't get all of them. The idea is that your class material is finite and only so many meaningful questions can be asked about it, so it stands to reason that the prof will eventually exhaust all original questions and will start repeating him/herself on future tests. This is a recommended method for those classes that you know are going to be a bitch that will haunt you for years unless you study 6+12+ hours a day, or you want to fuck up college education in the long run.
  • Note me senpai uwu - Not technically cheating but still HIGHLY useful, you see, in college you will often have to read a shitton of books, some are a fun read and you might even learn something from them, but most of the time it will be boring crap that just doesn't interest you or is the professor's own book that he shills (i.e forces) you to buy so that he can make that sweet side dough apart form his 80-100k a year. With notes you can skip all the useless hours of reading and reclaim some of your life back for other wholesome activities.
  • Card marking/folding - A professor may have an oral exam and use cards with questions on them. Convince your colleagues to fold one point of a card and memorise the question, thus when you enter and the cards are shuffled, you will know beforehand which to pull. Take note that you should arrange this with only one or two other chumps as the professor will get suspicious if all of you idiots keep magically picking the same questions.
  • Techno-wizardry - If you are adept at haxoring you might want to penetrate the college servers and edit the offending class so that you've "passed", beware however as many professors are still technophobes who keep records of their oral exams in analogue notebooks so this is highly risky if the administration checks up with the prof personally before handing you that sweet piece of toilet paper diploma, so it's maybe best to go to the oral exam once and then quietly change the result and wait for the end of the semester while avoiding the professor in question. Alternatively you can try to get into the professor's own PC at home to find the tests (do this shortly before the exams begin as some professors are lazy niggers who compile an exam a week or a day before the exam).
  • USB Banditry - Oftentimes the exams can be found on the professor's usb that he plugs into his college PC in the classroom. If he leaves for coffee/cigarette break, make a run for it and copy everything from his usb. It is recommended that you have a patsy doing the lookout at the door, and if the room is not abandoned and your colleagues figure out what you do, promise to share the spoils (and do so) as it will placate them and also make them willing accomplices in crime so that they will keep their mouths shut either way - profit!
  • Essay scamming - Don't copy-paste from wikipedia you moron, transcribe it in your own words, and use the citations in the articles themselves as source (and/or google for the stuff you are writing about). If done right, the professor may well realise what you have done, but will be powerless as he won't be able to prove easily that it's a work of plagiarism, or won't care. The only time a professor has any power is when he gets 30 essays that all sound the same because everyone chose the same subject. Even if there are only 2 or 3 essays on the same subject it is important that you take enough time to ensure that your essay sounds different by reorganizing how the information is presented and rewrite it in a way that the professor will be convinced it was done by you or you will either be taking the class again or finding a new school because universities don't take plagiarism lightly. Plagiarism is hard to catch but when someone is caught, they're made a pariah. Ask Nick Simmons about it sometime before he gets all butthurt and gets you IP banned from twitter.
  • Expand your mind - If you can't use the myriad of cheating techniques effectively enough, you may try to instead enhance the learning process and bypass the cheating altogether with mind-enhancing substances. These are called Nootropics and are designed to stimulate the mind and bring you up to your optimal learning/studying level. They are primarily used to cram during the night before the exam as they allow you to memorise lot of information in a relatively short period.

Coffee and energy drinks can keep you awake and are "safe" if you are too much of a pussy to try better stuff. The big boys are:

Adderall - Used to tread overactive spergs, if used in normal dosage it increases wakefulness and memory absorption/retention. Beware though, as higher doses cna mess you up something fierce.

Modafinil - Increases focus, problem-solving and wakefulness with the added benefit that you don't develop addiction or withdrawal as easy.

Nicotine - Oldie but goodie that enhances motor control (faster typing and clearer writing), wakefulness, attention and short-term memory, in short - perfect for cramming. Use small dose (chewing gum and smallest size patches) for maximum effect with minimal withdrawal.

If you will use these, make sure that you ask around or google for possible side effects, and trying them out in private is also a good idea to see how they affect you. You can order them online, fake an ADHD disorder and get them prescribed or get them from your colleague (and there's almost always one who can get them to you for the right price). Be warned that using them for long times (exam period) and then stopping can and/or will get your ass and balls lower than a pair of old lady's sagging tits. Use them sparingly and strategically, for difficult subjects. One last thing, DON'T advertise yourself using them, they are difficult to discover when used unless you gobble them up like cereal, but the college faculty will bust your ass for cheating and possible substance abuse.

Jobs open to those who go to college[edit]

Gallery[edit]

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External Links[edit]

College is part of a series on Education

[Drop OutGo To School]
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College
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