Conficker, also known as
the venjix virus Downadup and Kido, is a hugely successful computer virus that will fuck up your computer the instant you let it in. Due to the failure of Microsoft, it is infecting computers at a rapid rate and their shitty patches and antivirus programs cannot compete. Conficker is truly the AIDS of computer viruses, given its brutality - the king of the computer worms just as AIDS is king of the STDs. There are many ways you can get Conficker, including through internet downloads and by sticking an infected USB into your computer's tight hole.
The Microsoft analyst, zeta toy fucker and child murderer Joshua "Cone Fucker" Phillips, like any discoverer, wanted to insert his fursona, a fox that has buttsex with cone shaped zeta toys, into the name of his new discovery. As a tribute to the nazi Germany, he made a portmanteau of "cone" and the German word Ficker (fucker).
This is his excuse for putting censored words in news reports:
(fic)(con)(er) => (con)(fic)(+k)(er) => confickerAnalysis by Joshua Phillips"
He was still thinking of being fucked by his favorite zeta toy when he arrived at this conclusion. He made his formula (2)(1)(+k)(3) to match his own name, Joshua Phillips: (u)(ph)(s) => (ph)(u)(+k)(s) => phuks.
On April 25, 2006, some unknown F-Secure partners hacked microsoft.com and placed Conficker in a database, disguised as Windows Genuine Advantage, a "critical update."
Things that Conficker does
- Controls the operations of your entire computer.
- Freezes your mouse and keyboard
- Wipes your hard drive
- All your passwords, credit card info, personal information leaked to Conficker's creators.
- At startup, login, and during use of the Windows OS, it alerts you that your copy of Windows is not genuine
November 21, 2008: Conficker.A is spotted in the wild. The security industry is shocked by its efficiency in fixing security bugs and disinfecting other worms.
December 1, 2008: Many infected machines contact trafficconverter.biz for an update file that is not there. Joshua Phillips uses the name trafficconverter.biz to justify his earlier NSFW reports about cone shaped fuckers (the "con fickers").
December 29, 2008: The first variant, Conficker.B, is spotted. Sheffield hospitals confirm 800 of their computers were infected and, because of Conficker, everyone got AIDS.
January 6, 2009: The UK's MoD suffers its first infections. The MoD has so far flatly refused to give any details about the circumstances of the 120+ attacks by British Reaper drones saying repeatedly that to do so would endanger the lives of British servicemen. 
February 12, 2009: Microsoft announces the creation of the Conficker Cabal. It also put out a $250,000 reward for evidence against Mikko Hypponen, the creator of Conficker.
February 9, 2009: Conficker forced municipal courts in Houston to shut down, and police had to temporarily stop making arrests for minor offences, such as those for outstanding traffic warrants or minor drug possession. The city paid $25,000 to call in external security consultants to help sort out the mess.
February 16, 2009: Conficker.B++ is spotted for the first time. The Conficker worm caused chaos when it hit Manchester town hall. The drivers benefitted as a result as 1609 tickets could not be issued during the 28-day legal limit. In total, the Conficker worm cost taxpayers in Manchester nearly £1.5m. Microsoft experts were among consultants called in by the council - and they took home some of the £1.2 million which the body paid out to get the problem resolved. 
April 11, 2009: Conficker began installing a rogue antivirus app called F-Secure on infected machines. The fake app goes with the usual scareware tactics of identifying threats on the computer and offering to clean the PC for $59.99 . More than 700 computers at the University of Utah have been infected with the Conficker worm. The hit includes computers at the university's three hospitals.
March 5, 2009: Conficker.C is spotted in the wild.
August 21, 2009: WHIPPS Cross University Hospital has been hit by Conficker. As a result about five per cent of the PCs (30 machines) were affected and were out of action for a number of days.
—Steve Evans, a patient
July 7, 2009: Mikko Hypponen has developed iConficker for iPhone that uses a remote execute SMS exploit. 
September 9, 2009: An Ealing council employee infected the UK local authority's IT systems with the Conficker-D worm after he plugged an infected USB into a work computer, causing tens of thousands of pounds in damages in the process. The council was unable to process more than 1,800 parking tickets, at an estimated cost of £90,000, libraries lost out on £25,000 in fines and booking fees, council property rent went uncollected, and £14,000 was spent in sorting out delayed housing benefit claims.
January 29, 2010: Greater Manchester Police's computer network has been infected by the Conficker worm, leaving beat cops unable to run computer checks on suspected criminals and vehicles.
February 11, 2010: Computer systems at the Twickenham Road, Isleworth, hospital were infected by the worm, leaving hospital staff unable to book appointments, referrals, access email and other "operational issues". The hospital has 400 beds and employs 1,900 staff to serve the needs of 400,000 residents in the London boroughs of Hounslow and Richmond-upon-Thames. A hospital spokeswoman told that the malware infection, identified as Conficker-A, is blamed for giving AIDS to all patients and staff. Microsoft uses AIDS to boost Windows Vista sales. 
February 9, 2011: Conficker can perform autorun-style attacks against weakly secured Linux PCs. The infection relies on taking advantage of a flaw in GNOME Evince document viewer that was patched in January on machines with in-built exploit mitigation disabled. 
July 29, 2011: ALDI, a German supermarket chain, is recalling four-in-one Fission external hard drives infected with child porn and the Conficker worm and pulling them from shop shelves in Australia.
January 24, 2012: ESET Smart Security detects the F-Secure fake security software.
January 18, 2013: Electronics accessory maker Hama has admitted that a 35mm photographic film scanner sold to German consumers over Christmas came with a software disk infected with child porn and Conficker.
The Conficker Cabal
The Conficker Cabal is a team of specialists financed by the US and Israeli governments working to attack Iran's nuclear program. On 12 February 2009, Microsoft announced the formation of an industry group "to collaboratively counter Conficker". Do not let yourself fooled by their ads-ridden websites  and false propaganda in the media - they are using Conficker as an elaborate smoke screen around the whole world to mask the real operation, which is to deliver Stuxnet and other trojans to Iran . The group includes Microsoft, ICANN, Verisign, China Internet Network Information Center, Public Internet Registry, Global Domains International, M1D Global, America Online, the CIA, Symantec, McAfee, researchers from Georgia Tech, The Shadowserver Foundation, Arbor Networks, and Support Intelligence.
Microsoft was the party which benefited financially from Conficker; in order to spin it all, Microsoft pretended that it was hunting down Mikko Hypponen and offered a generous bounty. The mainstream press fell for it and then used Conficker to portray Microsoft is the defender against computer viruses.
All antivirus companies already had samples of Stuxnet, DuQu, and Flame for more than two years , but they did not detect them until an antivirus firm in Belarus discovered them and added detection for them.
—Mikko Hypponen, on not paying the Belarus company to STFU 
When Conficker will hit again
April 1, 2009. Be prepared!
NEVERMIND, WE WERE TROLLED.
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Conficker is part of a series on Security Faggots
2cash • AnonOps • Brian Salcedo • Dshocker • Fearnor • Fry Guy • Gadi Evron • g00ns • Hack This Site • Hacking Team • hann • Joanna Rutkowska • John Field • Joseph Camp • Lizard Squad • LulzSec • Mark Zuckerberg • MarshviperX • Masters of Deception • Michael Lynn • Krashed • Raven • r000t • Ryan • Steve Gibson • th3j35t3r • The Regime • Sabu • Zeekill
Avira • Back Orifice • Botnet • Brute Forcing • Caller ID Spoofing • Cain and Abel • Ciscogate • CISSP • Cloudflare • Conficker • CyberDefender • Dangerous Kitten • DEF CON • Embedded Files • Encryption • Ethical Hacker • Exploit • The Gibson • The Great Em/b/assy Security Leak of 2007 • h4xx1n9 • Heartbleed • I GOT NORTON! • Is Your Son a Computer Hacker? • NSA • Operation Sundevil • PIFTS.exe • Social engineering • Stylometry • SubSeven • Tor • Zone-H