Contra

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Yeah, this premise wasn't borrowed from any major Hollywood movies.

Once upon a time some Japanese transvestites who looked more like over-worked employees of Panda Express than prim and proper businessman from a well-respected country everyone is dying to visit had a food fight cum anal orgy when some faggot jap with a fetish for strong American men saw a poster for the newest Sylvester Stallone shitfest and realized that it would be an awesome idea to make a game that involved two American heroes killing the shit out of these human/alien motherfuckers.

Since they all agreed that nobody in Japan would ever live up to being a real action hero in the eyes of gamers worldwide, it was decided that Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sylvester Stallone would become the basis for their two protagonists, Bill Ryzer and Lance Bean. Weightlifters worldwide debated whether or not they were gay and, as luck would have it, yes, totally.

This didn't matter to the japs since they have no souls to begin with, so they started a company called Konami and the Contra series was then thrust out to Nintendo gamers everywhere and they all went batshit insane. Actually, none of that is true. Hitler made Contra to kill Jews but it failed so he said lol.

Thanks to Contra being fucking nearly impossible to beat without getting killed, fantards spent hours, months, sometimes years playing this fucking game over and over again. BBS's worldwide suffered due to nobody calling in for their daily dose of CP, school attendance sunk to an all-time low, and the Jews had a break from plotting 9/11 because they were too busy trying to buy their way off the island. In short, Contra is arguably the hardest game on the internets to date and has spawned off several faggot clones of itself, which Konami proceeded to infect with their own brand of jizz and cocaine. Many people have an heroed over getting killed in this game and even with this evidence, it still remains a cult classic among /b/tards and child molesters over the world.


Common Denominator[edit]

There is only one rule in the Contra games, and that's kill everything you fucking see, with indiscriminate passion. It is important to note that no matter which version of it you are playing, you always have to dodge crazy bullets being shot in your direction and chances are if it's 2D then you can only move LEFT and RIGHT and you fucking die and GODDAMNIT FUCKING GAME !(* @#&*%. The point is that this game is one of the most difficult games to beat without dying and watching the reactions of some faggot making it to level six and getting killed at the end of it is priceless.

You Started It[edit]

The game that started this faggotry.
All this violence over a /b/ posting... so sad.

The first game to be shat out of Konami's dirty cunt was aptly titled Contra and of course you can blame that shit on the fucking Americans, because they always take good things and ruin them beyond repair. It came out in 1987 and if the internets had of been up by then forums would be bulging with faggotry about the game's difficulty. However, Henry Kissinger had not finished inventing the WWW by this point, so everyone stayed home from work and fapped to Bill and Lance extensively.

Initially your job is to bust some ass up on this island, and as you move on more 8-bit aliens that look like 8-bit humans end up trying to delete your MySpace page. Eventually you get to climb up a waterfall, freeze your ass off on this mountain of snow and ice (leave it to the fucking japs to not give the main characters a sweater to wear in sub-zero temperatures, amirite?) and then somehow by fucking magical shit you end up in some alien's stomach shooting the shit out of its heart. Providing you managed not to get fucking killed too many times a helicopter picks you up and heads off to Guadalajara for some hookers and blow.

While there are a select few of the gaming elite who can get by on the three lives provided, most of humanity needed a cheat, and their prayers were answered when the programmers leaked the infamous Up Down code. Little did gamers know that it wouldn't be put in any of the other Contra games and lulz were had by all as noone could beat the new games, so no one bought them unless they needed something to break out their drugs on.

You're given a shitty rifle to start off and as you go on God throws metal footballs through the stages that you shoot and for some reason they turn into a red falcon with a letter. Sounds like it's straight out of The Wall, but truth is stranger than fiction. If you play multiplayer and fag it up by acting like a tard then you'll fuck up everything and your partner will stab you in the face. The best thing to do is grab the spread gun and shoot everything in sight while running like hell. Be sure to stay away from all the other rifle powerups because all of them suck, especially that goddamn fireball rifle.

Moar Contra clones[edit]

Super C[edit]

She's got a butterbody, ooh yeah, and it makes me cream!

So you're sometime in the future, living it up with mojitos and glory holes. Some butthurt general who was heading to Venezuela for a beaner hunt sends you a message, that everyone down there has went batshit nuts and he totally needs your help. Bill and Lance began to cry when finding out, after killing everything in sight, that aliens managed to take over all the soldiers and now they are killing their brothers. Lulz ensues as you spend the entire game killing all your friends, which is cool because everybody should kill at least one of their friends at some point in life!

The programmers at Konami decided to rip off Ikari Warriors and use the overhead view in the stages that would have otherwise been the 3D stages. Jumping proved absolutely useless as there was no way to tell how high Lance jumped after getting Bill's dick in his ass. Having the spread gun in this game works the best too, as all the other guns are once again utter shit, similar to any article H1n15 attempts to write (his articles are fail because he didn't read ED:101). Apparently, neither did the programmers and the game ended up being used as a coffee table coaster for American /b/tards.

As usual, marketers at Konami fagged up the promotion of Super C by continuing to rip off the images of two failed retards from the 80's action genre. This will continue to be a constant in the Contra series as it's always big, bad Anglo men fucking up the aliens (aka niggers).

Operation C[edit]

It's unbelievable that anyone would own a fucking Game Boy anymore, let alone think about this piece of crap console, but back in 1991 it was decided by the trannies at Konami, that they would make a game for this shitty system, so 10 year old boys would quit bitching about not having any cool games to play. Therefore, the storyline isn't too hard to follow. The Japs say one thing happened and the Americans say "no, fuck you, this is gonna be the storyline". After much bitching and moaning about who was going to release what storyline both sides said fuck you and released their own stories in their respective regions. Forgetting they already used C in the last title, up it went again.

Basically those dastardly aliens are at it again! They stole a cell of DNA or some shit and thought it would be lulz to make biological weapons to help save mankind. Of course, Bill and Lance say NO U motherfucker and spend five levels of non-stop killing every fucking thing in sight. As usual, the aliens went all out on the two manly men and war was hell on Earth. Yes, you still get the spread gun and it is still the most awesome weapon evar, but you have to grab it a second time to upgrade from three shots to five.

Interesting enough, the Japanese version has a stage-select, that lets you start at any of the four beginning levels. Operation C is still known as the asshole of the Contra series for being sucky enough to be released on the Game Boy, since only niggers and ten year olds own them.

Contra III: The Alien Wars[edit]

Jesusfuckingshitpickle, what is it with aliens and big fucking hearts? It's like, did the heart grow back because it missed Arguecat, or was it due to Vista crashing? For the love of TsimFuckis, someone please kill this fucking heart.

It puzzles the fuck out of me why in the hell they called this game The Alien Wars considering every fucking game in this series is about fucking aliens coming to take over the fucking Earth. But leave it to videogame Hollywood to fucktard up even the coolest run n' gun game series by naming it something that it has been ever since the first release and took them THREE FUCKING GAMES to figure out o rly we're killing aliens??

Either way, that shit doesn't matter because this game is serious win. We had to wait till 1992 for better graphics and it's good to see that the SNES made Contra look like it did in the arcade. With those trippy graphics and again, the AWESOME SPREAD GUN!!!!11win, this release showed lots of promise in the eyes of gamertards everywhere and was a smash success upon release. This game didn't retain as much of its difficulty as the other three, mainly because people were bawwwwwing that it was too fucking hard, so the programmers made it so you could select how many lives you had before the start of the game. Seven whole lives, woohoo I'm killing niggers!

This new game allowed Bill or Lance to climb on walls and grapple across pipes to reach your destination. In the first level you end up hauling your ass across this crazy pipe system after a plane bombs the fuck out of the area you're in, but for some reason misses your character completely. Maybe he was jacking off while firing, nobody knows but Girlvinyl. Either way, the effects made this game more than the difficulty did and many gamers across the world were fapping to this new Contra release. You can also drive a tank and blow shit up, which is major winrar! Being able to fire both weapons simultaneously made lulz, as enemies on both sides got pwned by the faggot duo.

The goddamn Americans fucked up this game by renaming Lance and Bill - The Faggot Team - Sully and Jimbo. It is common knowledge that this fact should be completely ignored, because there's no point in fucking up a linear story line that has been pleasing gamerfags since 1987. This time the plot centers on them (once again) killing fucking aliens. It looks like they are in some futuristic version of Jew York City but really, there's no way that shithole could look this good. UPDATE: It's in some fuckhole called Neo City, probably in Canada.

Contra Force[edit]

   
 
But the one thing that really sucks, is if the character loses his last life, the game ends!!!
 

 
 

—The Irate Gamer's review of Contra Force, unaware that happens in most games, let alone Contra

HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT IT'S A FUCKING PLANE SHOOTING AT ME- oh yeah, my name is Beans, I'll be okay.

NES fags began riding the whambulance after hearing rumors that Konami would not release anymore 8-bit titles. In all reality they shouldn't have, because everyone knows that those kind of graphics suck ass and nobody cares about NES games anymore. This is the title where the programmers got fucking lazy and thought that it would make them a few million dollars for hentai porn funding if they released another Contra title. Thinking that the formula of killing fucking everything would work yet again for them, the game was designed for total faggotry, in the sense that:

This game has nothing to do with any other Contra title; in fact, it doesn't even have aliens in it. Everybody knows that aliens play an absolutely essential role in these games, it's like Arguecat without fat, Dorian Thorn without cum on his face or Triciakitty with talent. Also Contra Force plays much slower than any other Contra title, similar to Prince Of Persia on heroin. And the power-up system for this game is similar to that of Gradius, another unholy spawn of Konami that's just as (if not, more) difficult than Contra. So instead of getting enhanced weapons on the spot, you have to shoot through myriads of enemies and collect power-up capsules to activate them. In short, somebody pwns your boyfriend (who is also your boss) and you chase him and his personal army across a harbor, a ship, a construction site, a fucking flying airplane and the pwner's home anal land.

At this time Konami realizes that the NES sucks, and scraps any plans to make more Contra titles for this shitty machine. The upside; you still get to kill fucking everything. Remember, that dynamic doesn't change!

FUN FACT: "Contra" Force was not a Contra game to begin with. In Japan, it was originally known as Arc Hound. Despite the fact that its gameplay, scenario and setting is nothing like Contra's, Konami of America marketed it as a Contra game.

Contra: Hard Corps[edit]

Leave it to wimmins to ruin Contra.
A fabulous Boss-Battle.

Up until Hard Corps, Nintendo had been keeping all the Contra to itself. That changed when Sega asked Konami to make them a fucking game. They did so and also decided to throw in a chick as the main character for lulz. Since everyone knows that women are only good for fucking and washing dishes it came to light, that this bitch was as useful as jacking off with Gorilla Glue. However, tits were shown and she was allowed to stay.

After Bill and Lance pwn a bunch of aliens, what's left of the US and A decides, that they are gonna start another sector of pigs called Hard Corps. Their job is to rape everyone and sell drugs to elementary school kids. When in their spare time, they like to go after some Colonel asshole who stole an alien cell (gee, is this familiar or what) to attempt world domination. Dr. Steel heard of this, said fuck no and sent the Hard Corps to go whoop some ass.

For being on the Genesis, the graphics aren't much better than the NES, so Sega fails right off the bat. And you're pwning robots instead of aliens (for a while at least), so the programmers can suck the cock also. And you can get multiple endings, depending on who you rape first.

Contra: Legacy Of War[edit]

It may look fun, but it's a complete disaster.

By this time ideas for games are running out and one of the brainstormers at Appaloosa came up with the bright idea of sticking to what works, while ditching the Bill and Lance crap. So it's no surprise to Contratards, that the villain of the game is some General faggot who stole an alien cell and now some faggot named Ray Poward has to go blow the fuck out of his alien army. Teeth pulling ensues and eventually this game is shat out to the public.

Interestingly enough, this game in particular keeps the characters that were in the PAL versions of Contra, once again proving that America ruins everything. A chick named Tasha comes along to give our hero mucho head during his campaign of alien rape; also a robot and *egads* an alien come along for the ride!

3D glasses came with this game, enabling serious acid trippers the chance to get down on a run n' gun title without having to be sober. It was released on both the Playstation and Sega Saturn, but everyone knows the Saturn was a piece of dog turd, so obviously the PS1 was the better choice.

C: The Contra Adventure[edit]

Forgetting that there are already two games with C in the title, the developers came out with C: The Contra Adventure, as if the other releases weren't enough of a fucking adventure. Keeping to the mantra of kill fucking everything, Konami decides wisely enough to veer away from the "stealing alien DNA" that fagged up three past Contra releases. But as the saying goes, "Shitty game premise = $$$".

This meteor ends up crashing somewhere in Mexico and all of a sudden aliens appear, raping all the mexicans in sight. This starts to suck, because the raped mexicans began to breed and sell their dirty asses on the streets of Tijuana, and that pretty much fucks up the prostitution ring in the entire area. Well, the dude who was the hero in the last game decides he's gonna save the world, because everybody wants to rule the world. Before he does, he sends that Tasha whore that was in Legacy Of War into where the meteor crashed, which is some temple or shit. She ends up going to Enrique's house for some dick and cocaine, which leaves Ray Poward to pack up his guns and with the help of some other faggots he penetrates deep into Mexiland, while avoiding AIDS and water.

"The Third C" introduces hit points to the factor, which mean yeah you can now take a beating without losing a life, but really it's like having thirty lives anyways, because you get hit that many times and you're fucking dead. This game is a little more win as it has ten stages (assuring you will have SOME replay value), which change views like Brian Peppers changes addresses. However, some fail is introduced, as they got too high and forgot to not make the third level look just fucking like the second and fourth levels of the first Contra, the AIDS that started it all. All in all, this game is pretty cool and I wouldn't mind playing this title while raping Hermione. Grade: B-

Contra: Shattered Soldier[edit]

Fucking killing fucking every fucking thing!!!

This game is made of total awesomeness. The developers got smart and said, "Let's do what we did in the FIRST Contra release, but make it have way better graphics". As enthusiastic blowjobs were handed out in the boardroom, coders went to work on making a game, that would be all side-scrolling, edging away from the third-person view that the last game experimented with. But the storyline is so fucked up it makes a transvestite episode of Jerry Springer look like Touched By An Angel.

For example:

Goddamn niggers with wings, get away from my chikins!

Try to grasp this concept, as faggy as it may be. It's like 2600, way in the future, and shit on Earth is so fucked up even Sarah Palin doesn't want any part of it. The environment has taken on the personality of Triciakitty's vagina and is more damaged than the average EDiot's editing skills. This bomb that the Jews were building blew up accidentally and killed 80% of the world's population, making lulz and cries simultaneously as lol we killed a bunch of people, cool. That guy Bill, who was the hero of the first Contra was held responsible (which makes no fucking sense because again, we are in the future) and sent to cryogenic assrape for evar. While in jail he coldfucked his partner Lance one last time but he died in midrape and oh noes, no more two player. But OMG shit hits the fan and he gets let out on a technicality. While killing fucking everything in sight (which is all he's used to), he comes to find out, that the dipshit who is responsible for all this bullshit in the first place is actually Lance, which means HELL YEAH TWO PLAYER!!!

It shares many similarities with the original Contra, as it's so fucking hard to beat with a perfect score.

Neo Contra[edit]

Keanu Reeves was supposed to be in this video game, but those faggots from Bill and Ted said no matrix and he went and had fap time. While this was happening someone had to take responsibility for the Contra series and this version was shat out.

The faggotry knows no bounds with this storyline. Apparently, at the end of Shattered Soldier Bill ends up sexing Lance one last time before he pwns him via curb stomp. Seasoned EDiots will note how this happens right around the time when Sylvester Stallone started to fail the box office and Ahnold raped him in the ass by becoming California's governator.

Feels like SMASH TV, amirite?

In 4444 AD (no rly) a bunch of shit is going down on what used to be Earth. Now it's some sort of prison for all the people Chris Hansen helped to put away and it's getting mad overpopulated. Some /b/tards start this faggot group called Neo Contra and start their own curbstomping rituals across the planet, and now OH SHIT HERE COMES BILL RYZER!!!. It turns out that he was cryogenically frozen after the whole "I killed my partner and destroyed half the Earth doing it thing", and now he's been reawoken to rape these assholes, before they repeat what he did oh so long ago. This Jap alien humanoid thing follows you around helping out with the whole kill fucking everything premise, along with this hot piece of robot ass named Lucia, who tries sucking off Bill, but he misses his nigger Lance and will never feel the buttsecks that is Contra. And holy fuck, the dude Master Contra who ended up taking over the world and shit has Bill's fucking brain in his head, which makes no goddamn sense, but then again Pearl Harbor, Pearl Harbor.

You can't control the camera in this 3D version and that sucks more ass than Dorian Thorn. There are only seven stages in the game, ensuring this title becomes a surface to bust some coke out on before class. The only thing really that makes this game cool is that you get the spread gun back, since the difficulty didn't change and the game was still hard as balls, at least this weapon gave you a chance to DAMN NIGGA. Now with this title you don't have to enter the Up Down code to get 30 lives (you couldn't do it in any of the other ones except for the original anyways so fuck it) because if you play on Easy mode you get the free 1ups. However you will not get to see the ending and it will say no u fgt.

Contra 4[edit]

Fuck, I forgot my deodorant and my internets.
Don't piss on the electric fence.
At least they give you the fucking spread gun.

Now we go back in time to when all the shit went down with The Alien Wars. Some furries called Black Viper started trying to kill as many niggers as possible, but they fucked up and killed some anglos. Weird thing is, this shit hits the fan at the same place where Contra took place. So Bill and Lance (remember at this point, they are still buttsexing commandos and very much in love) take off on a vacation to the Galuga archepalogothing with two new JewToobers - Mad Dog and Scorpion. Again, keep in mind you're still killing fucking everything, and you're still killing fucking aliens. But what makes this game fail, is that it was released on the Nintendo DS, which only faggots and fat girls play in their spare time.

To make up for releasing this game on such a shitty system, the programmers felt it right to include:

  • Classic Contra - lets you play both the original Contra and Super C on the DS, giving you two free games you beat years ago.
  • Museum - screenshots of a bunch of shit over the past 100 years Contra-related that nobody cares about.
  • Comic Books - Archie books, Contra style. Beat some shit to see 'em. Needs Rule 34.
  • Sound Test - All the game's music, like you didn't hear the shit looped enough while playing it.
  • Interview - The azn who got Contra going talks about gay sex and heroin suppositories.

If you own this game, get on irc fgt and tell the world you are indeed a nigger jew.


Contra ReBirth[edit]

A "retro revival" Wii-only title that's pretty much the same as the other Contra games. You go around and blow the hell out of everything in sight as usual, except the graphics are better and two thirds of the powerups are gone (but all you really need is the spread gun anyway). It's full of shitty references that nobody gives a shit about, and has Che Guevara in a business suit. It's still hard as frozen piss and shit, but you get unlimited continues, to make it easier to unlock a space furry or a flat chested loli-bot to play as.

Contra: Hard Corps Uprising[edit]

Technically not contra, but a pile of shit that weeaboos fap to. Notice the ridiculous fixation of battle girls like Krystal and Sayuri and the lack of resemblance of any Contra game made before it, A.K.A. not Contra. Not to say that it is set at a time before the rest of the series, which might explain it's total lack of resemblance of any actual Contra game.

Probofurry[edit]

The Probotector games are altered versions of Konami's early Contra titles. It was the azns way of saying "fuck what the Americans did, let's break down my shitty wall". The series includes Probotector (Contra), Probotector 2 (Super C), Super Probotector (Contra 3), Probotector (Operation C, which they fucking forgot what they named the first game in the series) and Probotector (Contra Hard Corps, again having a momentary lapse of reason). The stages were kept identical to the US releases, even though robot furries now took the place of buttpirates Bill and Lance.

They were released in NES PAL markets and included a number of changes, mainly to tone down the violence for German release, as under German law, any video game featuring humans killing humans cannot be displayed on store shelves or advertised and may only be sold to adults who specifically request them - the Contra games in their unaltered form would not have sold anywhere near as well in Germany (as their neurotic playing violent video games will make some Kraut the next hitler), one of the biggest PAL markets for NES videogames.

Konami gave up on these changes with the release of the Playstation's shit-awful Contra games, which made it to Europe unchanged. Some argue that either Germany has relaxed its video game censorship laws, or Konami just couldn't be bothered changing 3D characters, but the Probotector series ended after the incredibly shitty Mega Drive version. The name actually made a brief return for the first volume of Konami GB Collection - in the European version, Contra was renamed Probotector, but the characters were unchanged. So the name didn't really make much sense.

Konami Europe also announced a new Probotector game for the Gamecube - this was never released, but it is unknown whether they were referring to a Contra title or a revival of the Probotector series.

Contra and the Jewtubes[edit]

Music Loves Contra[edit]

Some pretty cool guys can play Contra theme songs well enough to showcase their talents to the internets. Why any of this shit is important, we'll never know. Suffice it to say, that you will never be this good at guitar or piano (yes, the fucking piano), so there is no point in ever trying to be.


Beat you! Beat you, fucker![edit]

Meth contributed to the near-twenty minute run through the first Contra without getting killed once, and dude was lucky enough to remember how do i record videoshot. It's like wafflepwn; some think it's fake, but nobody cares because it's so fucking cool. Fortunately, some nerd ass motherfuckers decided no i want to and posted vidz of themselves pwning every Contra release, as so neatly compiled here for your fapping pleasure.


ARCADE MOTHERFUCKER DO U SPEAK IT[edit]

So you don't have to waste time with pumping all those quarters into the nearest Super C arcade game, here is the completed version. Who the fuck thought?


ZOMG Contra is a movie!!![edit]

Team Awesome thought it fun to make a movie trailer on what they thought Contra would be like if it was a movie. While this sounds like the most fun, it becomes win when mukdips are sighted.


Basement Dwellers Unite[edit]

Some guy actually sat for an hour and beat the first main three Contra titles (which obviously doesn't include Operation C because that game fucking blew). Jesusfuckingshitpickle get a job fgt. If you ever need a walkthru to those games this is it so cheat away.


Gallery[edit]

See Also[edit]

External Links[edit]

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