Copypasta/Archive 11

From Encyclopedia Dramatica
Jump to: navigation, search

Do You Catan?[edit]

I just came back from the strangest game.

I was invited to a party by a friend of a friend, and it wasn't until I arrived there that I found out that my friend had something come up and wouldn't be able to make it. Though I was a bit hesitant, I didn't want to be rude to the friend of my friend, so I knew I had to stay at least for a polite length of time.

The reason I was hesitant was because this friend of a friend was... a bit... weird. Weird in the Hot Topic sense, where I was reminded of a slightly overweight vampire whenever I saw him. Weird in the poetic sense, where he would occasionally stop in the middle of a sentence, look towards the distance and say a few rhyming lines about the dark nature of the universe, and then go back to his original sentence sentence as if there had been no interruption.

I was hesitant. Nervous-sweat-level hesitation.

It was different from what I expected, since when I was lead into the living room there was only two other people there. I had been expecting an entire assembly of people, but there was only a young man and a young woman sitting on a red velvet couch.

The most obvious feature about the young man was not his pale face, long black hair, black eyeliner and mascara, black clothes or even the odd symbol tattooed in the center of his forehead, but the leash that he held. He had a leather leash attached to a leather collar around the girl's neck.

She had hair that had been bleached white, and it looked frail, limp and wispy as if it would soon start falling out. Her face might have been attractive, once, perhaps, but there was too much makeup, and a hollow expression that filled you at once with both pity and despair.

My eyes, the wandering little bastards that they are, followed her thin neck down to her substantial cleavage, and further down to her exposed midriff, and that's when I realised that she and the young man were wearing the exact same outfit. My eyes darted between the two of them, checking to see that the young man was even wearing the same knee-high boots, the same "why-did-you-even-bother-wearing-clothes," tight black spandex pants.

The friend of my friend introduced us immediately. "[My Name]," he said to me, "This is Plouton."

The man who called himself Plouton stood up, and extended a hand covered in rings and bracelets. "Mesmerizing," He said, and I took that as a form of greeting. I shook his hand, and his eyes widened the moment our flesh made contact, as if I had stung him. He held onto my hand though, and after an extremely uncomfortable four seconds, he said "You have a monumentous aura. I like you."

After letting go of my hand, he turned to my friend of a friend, and said "Sanguinatus, what shall we play today?"

Sanguinatus, whom I mistakenly thought was named Thomas, said that we should wait to see if anyone else arrived. We'd wait until he finished preparing refreshments and then we would start. He then went off to the kitchen, leaving me with the young man and woman.

I looked at the young woman, realizing that I hadn't been introduced to her, and was about to ask her name. Plouton cut me off, by asking me what I thought about infinity.

After a brief moment, I just said I try not to think about it.

He started to laugh. Not a laugh I had been expecting from his slightly higher than normal voice. It was a deep, harsh laugh, as if he were trying to cough up his lungs with each sudden blast. I was actually repulsed to watch him laugh like that, but when he finished, he didn't bother to acknowledge my look of revulsion but instead smiled. "Yes, the infinity of death is a harsh subject, the only true infinity there is. Oh, how we all try to not dwell upon the deepest infinity, that which tears the mind and damns the soul. I knew I liked you, yes I did."

I gave a weak smile. Hopefully, this was some weird joke, and he just liked to dress funny and pretend he was the creepiest person in the whole world, and that in a moment he would reveal that he's just a normal guy and I'd be able to spend the evening in a normal fashion.

He then asked me what I thought about love.

I pretended to think about the question, but instead I thought about how to avoid answering it. The simplest solution came into my head almost instantly, and I asked him what he thought about it.

Perhaps the greatest mistake of my life. He began a speech, one that may have been rehearsed, about his views on love. I just stared at him, humming the Power Rangers theme in my head, hoping that I could preserve some sense of my sanity.

"...love is not a creation, it is an existence, but not one that actually exists..."

"GO GO POWER RANGERS"

"...when death and darkness truly meet, then there and only there does true love really..."

"GO GO POWER RANGERS"

"...just how Descartes proved that something can't exist without thinking it does, love is unable to think, and thus cannot..."

"MIGHTY MORPHIN' POWER RAN-"

Thankfully, by the thousandth or so time that I repeated my mantra, Sanguinatus returned, carrying a tray with a pitcher of ice tea and two bowls of chips. Plouton, who mistook me reliving my childhood inside my head for enjoying his speech, apologized for having to cut it short, since he was now rather thirsty.

He yanked on the leash and without a word the girl stood up, poured a glass of ice tea, handed it to him, and sat back down.

"Do you Catan?" Plouton asked me.

"Cat-tahn?" I repeated, confused.

An instant later, Sanguinatus had taken the box containing Settlers of Catan off his shelf, showing it to me. Yes, I had played it once before, and told him so.

"Excellent. I think that there should be our chosen game for tonight. I always feel that it is best played with three people," Plouton said, reclining deep into the couch.

"Three? But there's four of us."

Plouton's eyes widened. "No. There is only three."

He stood up, yanking the leash as he did so, and the girl gave a small cry of surprise and pain. Dragging the girl behind him, he went into a different room, closed the door, and started shouting at her.

"HOW DARE YOU. HOW DARE YOU PRETEND TO BE HUMAN. HOW FUCKING DARE YOU. I SWEAR I WILL KILL Y-"

"So, what color do you want to be?" Sanguinatus asked me, acting as if nothing was happening.

I stared at him. Plouton continued to scream at the girl, and the silence within the living room continued. Finally, after briefly glancing at the door, Sanguinatus whispered, "I know it's different, but it's just how they choose to express themselves. Just like you might hold a girl's hand, he chooses to hold a leash. It's not all that different, really."

"Blue," I said, picking a nice, happy color.

Plouton and the girl returned after a few minutes, and both of them had black lines down their cheeks, signs that tears had been shed. They sat down on the couch, and not by my choice (but by his choice of pants) I saw that he had an erection, and made no attempt at hiding it.

I was at the point where I just wanted the night to end, to end in a way that I wouldn't anger this sociopath and have him follow me home and gut me while I slept. I began to unpack the board pieces and place them on the coffee table, but Plouton asked me to stop.

"I have a better table," he said simply.

With a sharp yank of the leash, the girl stood up, and then taid down on the table. She remained there, her pale, flat belly exposed, and I simply stared down at her.

Sanguinatus began to arrange the board pieces. For those that don't know, Settlers of Catan uses hexagonal tiles (with 6 different kinds of land which each produce a different kind of resource [except for the desert, which produces nothing]) which are placed within a frame depicting water and boats. Made out of thin cardboard, it had a hard time staying in place on most tables, and this table was trying but failing to keep from trembling.

Sanguinatus quickly ran out of room, having started rather low on her abdomen, and Plouton casually lowered her pants, to a point where I felt the shame that she apparently didn't. She was perhaps a single centimeter away from being completely exposed. I opened my mouth to protest, but I realized that Plouton was now breathing rather hard, rather quickly. His eyes were wide, wide to the point where I was scanning the room to find something that I could bludgeon him with in order to protect myself.

The moment passed, and we each recieved our settlement and road pieces. We selected where to place our first two settlements, with slight difficulty coming from how our table was shivering. After recieving our first resource cards, we began to play.

Settlers of Catan is a game where you compete to build settlements and roads, obtain development cards, and turn settlements into cities. In order to do so, you need resource cards, which come in 5 different varieties, which need to be combined in specific ways. For example, Wood+Brick creates a road, and Sheep+Grain+Rock gets you a development card.

Resources are generated by having settlements placed in the intersections of land tiles. Each land tile has a number between 2-12, and on each turn the dice (2d6) are rolled, and whatever lands share that number produce a resource, and all settlements that surround that land get that resource.

Players are expected to trade and negotiate, using the resource cards to barter with the other players. It's a game that requires both cooperation and competition, trust and betrayal, and has a surprising amount of depth to its strategy.

I don't know why I told you all this, because none of that mattered.

Having settlements that gave me good access to wood and brick, I was building roads rapidly, to a degree where I managed to actually restrict Plouton to a small portion of the board, blocking him with my roads. This is something that's rather difficult to do, and not entirely a great idea, since the remaining player didn't waste his resources and now has a larger area to settle. Since Plouton had no room for new settlements, his only hope was to upgrade his settlements into cities and to get development cards. He was at a heavy disadvantage, since he would have fewer settlements to produce resources, but he could still win if he had excellent luck.

He did not have great luck. Slowly but surely, he got more and more upset, as every dice roll seemed to go against him. On a poor roll, he would place a hand on the girl's neck and squeeze her, choking her until I turned to look at him. Before I could say anything, he would let her go, leaving marks on her pale skin.

By the time I realized the game was purely between me and Sanguinatus, it was too late for me to remember that I was sitting across from a guy who worshipped death and would probably end up killing us all if he lost. Plouton steadily grew more and more violent as the game progressed, digging his fingers into different parts of the girl, slapping her, and even tracing thin lines of blood across her skin with a spiked ring. She didn't protest, and even more remarkably managed to keep the board from shifting too much.

I didn't know what to do. I felt like I should do something for the girl, but this was something that she wanted. I didn't know if I would be doing her a favor if I let Plouton win, preventing him from taking out his frustration on her, or whether she would actually be unhappy that she would miss out on a chance to be further mistreated.

Sanguinatus looked like he would be the winner of our game, as he had a far better board position. However, he didn't look particularly happy. The game was now just a distraction to focus on in order to ignore Plouton getting aroused as he kept abusing the girl.

As I tried to avoid looking at her, I didn't realize for quite some time that the girl was flushed. She was steadily losing control of her breathing, and the board became more and more messy as she herself was becoming more and more aroused.

We continued to play, until we were simply going through the motions. Sanguinatus had clearly won, and we were just waiting for him to obtain the 10 victory points to finish the game. I was making poor trades simply so he would get the resources he needed, but luck wasn't producing what we needed.

Finally, after what felt like years (though it had barely been an hour and a half), he finally managed to win the game. There was a brief murmur of congratulations, and then Plouton, unable to contain his frustration, spread apart the girl's legs and then slapped her as hard as he could on her inner thigh. Her abdomen spasmed upwards, sending the pieces everywhere.

As she began to gather the pieces up while Plouton and Sanguinatus organized them inside the box, I set the alarm on my phone to go off in three minutes before quickly replacing it back into my pocket.

Once the game was put away, Plouton turned to Sanguinatus and told him that he deserved a prize for winning. "You may have her for two nights," he told him, "you may do as you wish."

Just as Sanguinatus cheerfully accepted, my alarm went off, and I picked up my phone, stepped away from them, and started to hold a quiet pretend conversation. I then turned back to them, saying that I was really sorry, but that I had to leave.

Sanguinatus simply said that it was nice that I could come, but Plouton looked rather angry. He stood up, yanked on the leash to force her to stand, and then aimed a kick at the girl's leg, making her fall to the carpet. Then, as if he had done nothing of the sort, he walked over to me, extended his hand, and said that we simply must play again sometime.

I gave a false smile, and then left the house, leaving the strangest game I've ever played behind me.

I love you, Anon[edit]

This is for you, Anon. The ones that sit at home on the weekends because your friends are off being someone you're not. The ones that surf /b/ for a chance to smile, a chance to laugh, and sometimes a chance to baw. The ones that tear up at the tale of a forgotten kitten, but snicker when a cam whore is being verbally assaulted. The ones that white knight, the ones that call out the white knights, and the ones that need the white knights. The ones who turn to /b/ when their significant others cheat on them with their best friend. The ones who don't have significant others. To the ones that think of witty responses not a heartbeat after reading a post, and to the ones that don't think of them until the thread 404's. The ones that see a mangled body draped over a dead baby that's being raped at the same time, and still take a bite of their sandwich. The ones that choose chubbies over scene girls. The ones that choose scene girls over chubbies. The ones who sage, even though it does nothing. This is to the ones that are the most amazing people I've ever had the privilege of talking to, but still can't find a person to appreciate them like we do. The ones that long to fall asleep holding a certain person's hand but are too shy to even talk to them. The quiet girl who is the sweetest, funniest, cutest girl, but doesn't get a second glance. The misunderstood guy, who always says funny things, but people take them the wrong way, because they're close minded niggers. The ones that read the baw threads and call out everyone posting in them as faggots/newfags/etc, but still read every single post because they need to feel emotion. The ones that I wish I could give a hug to because I know even though they post the most soulless, cold, disgusting shit, they still have the need to feel loved. Well, Anon. I love you. And I would be honored to fall asleep while holding your hand.

I'm an oldfag[edit]

Don't question me. I'm an oldfag, I've been going on /b/ for 7 >ears. You were still in diapers while I was protesting Scientology in my Guy Fawkes mask. Corkscrew, really? Why don't you come say that to my face and see what happens.

NORTH VS SOUTH[edit]

The North and South have been at each others' throats for well over a century. Personally, I don't see why both sides still continue to bicker. The North and the South each have plenty to offer the world. Yes, they both have their drawbacks, but nowhere is perfect. I think that each side should realize the other's importance and stop wasting energy putting one another down. Anyway, that's my humble opinion, but what do you think /b/? Who is better?


THE NORTH


Pros:


-Great nightlife

-Great cultural mix of foods

-Money

-Great weed

-Most people are open to alternative ways of living (Veganism, Eastern religions, same-sex marriage, etc.)

-Great movies and television shows are produced here (30 Rock, SNL, Scorsese films, etc.)

-People have an appreciation for "the finer things".

-Great fashion

-Great industry

-etc, etc,


Cons:


-Faggots

-Hippies

-Skinheads

-People are generally rude in passing.

-etc, etc,


THE SOUTH


Pros:


-Great hunting and fishing

-Great traditional food

-Guns

-Great booze (Tennessee whiskey, bourbon, SoCo, etc.)

-Very hospitable atmosphere

-Great music (blues, rock n' roll, etc.)

-Great cultural events (Mardi Gras, bonnaroo, etc.)

-Great literature (Tennessee Williams, Truman Capote, Mark Twain, William Faulkner, etc.)

-Great scenery and pristine beaches

-etc, etc,


Cons:


-Niggers

-Right wing nutjobs

-Ku Klux Klan

-People are generally ignorant to alternative ways of living.

-etc, etc,


The Benefits of Swallowing Cum[edit]

Hey /b/

Does anyone have a thing for seeing girls eat your cum?

I live with a beautiful girl. Blonde, model material, with legs, breasts and ass to die for and the face of an angel. She looks so innocent, I fell for her the moment I saw her. She looks so virginal and is so prudish even talking about sex, that I don't even know if she's had any guys in the past. We're both young professionals in our early 20s and met through a mutual friend who I knew through university and she knew through school. Recently she moved to the city, and needed a place to stay. I needed a housemate, so our friend set us up.

I tried asking her out when she first moved in but unfortunately she made it pretty clear that she wasn't interested in anything but friendship. I figured that if she wasn't going to taste my baby batter voluntarily, and I'm pretty sure she hasn't tasted anyone else’s before, I could feed it to her without her knowledge.

When she was out, I went around the house jacking off into her personal items - shampoo, conditioner, toothbrush, moisturiser, panties from her panty drawer, etc. I also started taking cookery lessons and offered to cook for her in order to practice my skills. What she doesn't know is that every meal I've cooked for her so far has had a healthy dose of my secret special sauce.

Before moral fags start whining, she seems to love it. She's commented on how her hair's been really soft recently and remarked on how her skin has been firmer, with a healthy glow to it. She even wondered if maybe the shampoo/conditioner manufacturers had changed the formulation. She used to get quite moody and hormonal over the month as her cycle progressed. Since I started feeding her my spooge, she's chilled out a lot and been really flirtatious with me. She's been more receptive to joking around with me, and finding ways to lightly touch my arms and chest, or accidentally brush up against me. Pheromones maybe? I've been sniffing her soiled panties while she's been out, and I know that personal scents can have a powerful effect – I’ve often ended up spontaneously ejaculating merely from the scent of her personal secretions.

She’s told me she loves my cooking. It may just be a coincidence, but our bedrooms share a wall, and on the evenings I cook for her, I'm fairly sure I can hear her rubbing herself off. On the mornings when she leaves for work early and I'm in the flat alone, I sneak into her room and sniff and lick her still warm used panties from her laundry basket. The aroma is exquisite. On the mornings after I've cooked for her the previous night, they're definitely muskier and damper, and often have a heavy dried sugar crystal like crust on the gusset, which I love to chew on.

In addition, I get the added bonus of sitting opposite her while she's eating and see her swallow my jizz, savouring every mouthful before it slides smoothly down her throat. Knowing that I'm corrupting her beautiful innocent face with my unique glaze and coating those gorgeous lips and tongue; the thought that at this very moment she might be wearing a pair of the panties from her drawer that I jerked off into, and that flakes of my dried man milk might at this very moment be nestled against her hot gooey moist cunt; mingling with her own juices and being rehydrated by them, is an amazing turn on for me.

I also see it as a way of marking my territory. While the scent of my cream hangs on her, it might drive other guys away. I'm not sure if that has any scientific basis, but it seems to work. I understand there is some scientific research that shows cum to contain chemicals that aid in partner bonding and fight depression in women, as well as changing their hormonal balance and significantly reducing their risk of breast cancer.

All I know, from my unscientific little experiment is that feeding cock custard to girls definitely has its advantages, for both sexes. I'd go so far as to say doctors ought to be prescribing it. Guys, what are you waiting for? Give the women in your life the greatest gift a man has to offer, and improve your relationships with them. Ladies, why not ask the men in your life for a regular dose of liquid silk? It has many nutritional benefits, and if you're feeling hesitant, just remember that you've probably already unknowingly swallowed several cupfuls of spunk, donated by guys like me. A few more on a regular basis can't hurt.


tl dr; I've been secretly feeding my female housemate my cum, she seems to love it.

Dogs V.S. Cats[edit]

I don't get it. Why does /b/ make such a fuss about cats? Cats are souless creatures that only care about you when they're hungry. They kill other small animals for amusement. They piss everywhere. They shit everywhere. They whine. And then they fuck off for a few hours, only to come back looking for food again. In my opinion, dogs are better. Sure, they can't climb walls. And sure, some dogs can be a bit dumb. But you can't find anything as loyal and protective as a family dog.

tl;dr fuck cats and I mean that.

Affirmative Action[edit]

Hey /b/,

Given that most of us are progressive, educated, liberal thinkers - would most of you give up your job for a black man (or woman)? Black people have been treated so unfairly and to this day, receive inequality in society. Being open minded liberals, shouldn't we be willing to be the first to better our world and help balance out the equation?

tl;dr - Would you be willing to give you job to a black person to fight racism?

Fuck Everything[edit]

Well your girlfriends a whore and your other friend is enjoying peacefull nonexsistance in the endless void of death. way i see it you could join your friend in oblivion, whine about it forever, do some crazy revenge scheme that'll probably get you arrested or the shit kicked out of you or you could go out into the world and tap some strange ass. floss your teeth with some pubes. Go to a strip club and get some smelly fish-cunt in your face. Down a bottle of jsck and wake up south of the border with one of your kidneys gone and dirty mexican prostitute just endlessly sucking your dick. Fuck off the people that don't matter and then fuck of the people that do. Blow your life savings, your college savings Fuck college. college is for people afraid to live. Use all that money to rent a fast car and 20 kilos of coke and then drive across the united states, tourturing and killing at least one person in every state you drive through. at some point carve out a coyote head and wear it as a hat and run through a town packing as much heat as you can and calling yourself anubus the god of death. probably by then you'll have forgotten all about your gutterslut of a girlfriend and your corpse of a friend.

Merry Christmas.

Allahu Akbar[edit]

Hey Kuffar

Instead of sitting around on the internet all day, posting pointless messages and abusing yourselves to pictures of loose women, why not do something productive and surrender your lives to Allah?

Western society has become decadent, weak, and lazy, and is soon to collapse. The upcoming generation, people such as yourselves, want nothing more from life than to grow fat sitting around on computers all day, masturbating, drinking, and taking drugs. You allow your women to parade themselves on your streets dressed as common whores, and you are encouraged in this behaviour by corrupt politicians and absent new age parents while your societies and economies collapse around you.

Meanwhile the Muslim Ummah, or brotherhood, grows rich on oil wealth and our madrasas train the upcoming generation to serve Allah, and to fight, willing to give their lives if necessary for the cause. The 19 hijackers of 9/11 have surely earned their place in paradise as do the martyr bombers who strike daily into the heart of the devil state of Israel. We are living among you, in Europe and America, and we are outbreeding you day by day, slowly taking over.

Allah has a plan for each of us. He means us all to be good Muslims and live by his rules, as set out to the Prophet Muhammad (pbuh). Your sinful lives and wicked ways go against His plans, and you will be tortured for eternity in hell for your iniquities. Repent now and revert back to the one true faith.

Where your joke of a faith, which no one in your society believes in anyway, tells you to love, be tolerant, and turn the other cheek, the Qur'an teaches us to "Kill the unbelievers wherever you find them, capture and besiege them and prepare for them every kind of ambush."

It also says "Against them make ready your strength to the utmost of your power, including steeds of war, to strike terror into (the hearts of) the enemies, of Allah and your enemies".

How can you hope to win your futile so called 'war on terror' against us? You have become weak, and no longer willing or able to fight. You even elected a pacifist president with Muslim sympathies to try and placate us. He supports our plan to build a mosque as a monument at the site of our victory against you in New York. It's only a matter of time until we win. Even now your soldiers continue to die on the battlefields of Afghanistan, and for what? The moment you leave, it will be back to traditional Sharia law. Your technological advances count for nothing if all you do with them is watch porn and play video games. We will continue our jihad on the west, to maim and kill those who oppose or insult us. See the truth for what it is and revert to Islam immediately. It is your only hope of survival.

Fresh Prince Fanfic[edit]

Part 1[edit]

I AM WILL I MOVED TO BEL AIR WITH MY AUNT AND UNCLE AND IMMEDIATELY I NOTICED THE FAMILY WAS VERY CLEAN LOOKING UNLIKE MY MOM WHO WAS ALWAYS LOOKING LIKE SHIT AND I DIDNT KNOW MANY GIRLS IN PHILLY ANYWAY THE FAMILY WAS GREAT AND I HAD LOTS OF FOOD AND NEW FRIENDS.

ONE DAY CARLTON WAS WALKING IN THE HOUSE AND I LOVED HOW HE SMELLED CAUSE HE WORE AFTERSHAVE SO I TOLD HIM TO COME HERE CAUSE THE

DRYER NEEDED TO BE FIXED OR SOMETHING BUT I MADE IT UP AND WHEN HE WAS IN HALLWAY TOWARDS DRYER ROOM I ELBOWED HIS TEMPLE AND HE SLAMMED AGAINST THE WALL AND FELL TO THE FLOOR AND WOULDNT GET UP

I SAID YO CARLTON GET UP IT WAS JUST A JOKE BUT HE DIDNT MOVE

SO I WENT UPSTAIRS AND ATE SOME VANILLA COOKIES THEY HAD SITTING AROUND TO THINK OF MY PLAN AND THEN THE BUTLER GUY CAME IN I FORGOT HIS NAME BECAUSE I WAS SO TENSE AND HE SAID DONT EAT COOKIES CAUSE IT WILL SPOIL MY DINNER

SO I THREW THE COOKIES IN HIS FACE AND RAN UPSTAIRS

BAN ME PLEASE uPSTAIRS I SAW HILARYS ROOM WAS OPENED BUT I IGNORED THAT AND WENT TO THE BATHROOM AND TOOK A GOOD SHIT CAUSE OF THE VANILLA COOKIES AND STUFF SO THEN I REALIZED OH FUCK I LEFT CARLTON DOWNSTAIRS AND ITS BEEN LIKE 10 to 15 MINZ

SO I QUICKLY GOT UP WITH A SHIT HANGING FROM MY ASS LOOKED LIKE A TAIL CAUSE IT WAS THE COLOR OF MY SKIN BUT IF I HAD EATEN FRUITIE PEBBLES IT WOULDVE BEEN GREEN AND PEOPLE WOULDVE NOTICED

BUT ANYWAY I RAN DOWN STAIRS AND CARLTON WASNT ON THE FLOOR ANYMORE

WHEN I WENT TO FIND CARLTON I FOUND HIM IN THE KITCHEN WITH AN ICEPACK ON HIS HEAD AND HE SAID WILL WHY DID YOU DO THAT AND I SAID I TRIPPED AND HE BELIEVED ME SO I TOLD HIM TO COME UPSTAIRS AFTER HE FEELS BETTER

AS HE WAS WALKING UP THE STAIRS BEHIND ME I TURNED AROUND AND BACKED INTO HIM SO THE SHIT HANGING AS TAIL FROM MY ASS GOT ON HIS SHIRT BUT I BACKED UP TOO FAR AND CARLTON FELL DOWN THE STAIRS

I TURNED AROUND AND SAw THAT HE WASNT MOVING AGAIN

BUT I EXPECTED THAT HE WOULD BE IN THE KITCHEN AGAIN WITH ANOTHER ICE

THIS TIME I WENT INTO HILARYS ROOM BUT SHE WASNT THERE SO I TRIED TO GO BACK TO THE BATHROOM BUT IT WAS LOCKED AND I SAID YO OPEN UP AND HILARY WAS INSIDE SO I WAS LIKE YO ITS THE POLICE AND I KICKED THE DOOR OPEN BUT IT DIDNT OPEN AND I REALLY HURT MY LEG

SO I WAS GONNA GET REVENGE FOR THAT

AND I REALKLY HAD TO PEE

SO I LIED DOWN ON THE FLOOR SIDE WAYS AND PULLED MY PENIS TILL IT GOT A LITTLE LONGER

AND STUCK IT UNDER CRACK OF DOOR

AND STARTED TO PEE

AND HILARY WAS SCREAMING WILL NOT AGAIN AND I STARTED TO DO SHIT TOO BUT MY BUTT WAS FACING THE OTHER WAY SO IT GOT ON THE CARPET AND NOT IN THE BATHROOM

ANyway CARLTON CAME UPSTAIRS LIKE I EXPECTED AND HE SAW ME AND KIND OF SIGHED AND WENT TO HIS ROOM

SO I GOT UP AND WENT TO HIS ROOM AND BANGED OPEN THE DOOR AND ASKED HIM WHY HE SIGHED

AND HE EXPLAINED IT AND THEN HE WAS IN HIS UNDERWEAR CAUSE IT WAS REALLY HOT THAT DAY

SO I FOUND A BASKETBALL IN HIS CLOSET AND SAID YO CATCH AND THREW IT ON HIS HEAD AND HE FELL BACK ON HIS BED AND DIDNT MOVE

I WENT TO ASHLEYS ROOM AND SHE WAS WEARING A HAT BACKWARDS SO I TOLD HER THAT WAS RIGHT AND THEN HILARY FINALLY LEFT THE BATHROOM SO I WENT IN BUT I HAD NO PEE OR SHIT ANYMORE SO I CAME OUT AGAIN BUT ALMOST SLIPPED ON THE FLOOR THAT STUPID HILARY DIDNT CLEAN WHILE SHE WAS IN THERE

ANYWAY I WENT TO HER ROOM AND SHE WAS IN TOWEL AND SHE WAS TAKING IT OFF AND I WAS BEHIND HER AND SHE COULD SEE ME SO I KICKED HER IN THE SPINE ABOVE HER ASS

AND SHE FELL ONTO HER BED SCREAMING WILL!!!!!!! AND THEN I LEFT THE ROOM AND CAME BACK IN PRETENDING I JUST WALKED IN AND SAID YO WHATS WRONG?

AND SHE SAID WILL YOU KICKED ME IN THE BACK AND I SAID NO AND THEN I RAN TO CARLTONS ROOM GOT THE BASKETBALL AND BROUGHT IT BACK TO HER ROOM AND SAID YO LOOK I WAS PLAYING BE BALL AND SHE TURNED AROUND WITH HER TOWEL OFF TO LOOK AT THE B BALL AND I SAID SEE? YO CATCH AND I THREW IT AT HER FACE AND HER NOSE TOTALLY EXPLODED

I WALKED OUT OF THE ROOM AND SAW THAT ASHLEY WAS IN HER ROOM LISTENING TO MUSIC AND THEN THE CALL CAME FROM DOWNSTAIRS DINNAH IS READY THE BUTLER SAID SO I WENT DOWN STAIRS AHEAD OF EVERYONE AND HE SERVED SOME BIG BIRD

AT THE TABLE UNCLE ASKED HILARY WHATH APPENED TO HER NOSE AND AUNTI ASKED CONSTANTINE OR WHATEVER HIS NAME IS WHAT HE DID THE WHOLE DAY AND HE SAID HE COULDNT REMEMBER AND BEFORE HILARY COULD TELL THAT I HAD THROWN BASKETBALL IN HER FACE I RAN OVER TABLE AND WHISPERED TO HER THAT ID DO ANY FAVOR FOR HER IF SHE DIDNT TELL

SO SHE DIDNT TELL AND UNCLE SAID WILL WHAT DID YOU SAY TO HER? AND I SAID A SECRET ANYWAY I FINISHED MY MEAL AND UNCLE SAID THERE ARE NO SECRETS AMONG FAMILY IN THIS HOUSE AND I SAID WHAT ABOUT YOU AND CARLTON AND LAUGHED AND RAN UP StaiRS BUT BEFORE I GOT TO THE TOP STAIR I WENT YO

ANYWAY EVERYONE WAS SETTLING DOWN AND UNCLE AND AUNTY WERE IN THEIR ROOMS AND EVERYONE WAS IN THEIR ROOMS

SO I WENT DOWNSTAIRS TO THE BUTLERS ROOM AND HE WAS WATCHING TV WITH ONLY HIS TOP ON

AND I SAID YO WAHTS UP AND HE SAID JUST WATCHING TV MR WILL AND I SAID YOUR COCK LOOKs LIKE RAISEN BUT I KICKED HIS TV LIKE A HORSE AND PULLED UP HIS SHIRT AND BIT HIS STOMACH REALLY HARD TILL BLOOD CAME OUT AND HE SCREAMED AND I LEFT

ANHYUWAY

IS THIS STORY BORING U

OR SHOULD I CONTINUE?

Part 2[edit]

cause its night time in bel air

and everyone in their rooms

so anyway

I GO UPSTAIRS AND ITS GETTING LATE SO I GET READY TO SLEEP AND I SEE THAT AUNTI GOES TO THE BATHROOM UPSTAIRS SO I BUST IN THE ROOM TO SURPRISE UNCLE AND SEE HIs GHUGE FAT BODY NAKED ON THE BED BELLY UP

SO I BODY SLAM ON TOP OF HIM AND HE SCREAMS WILL!!!!! AND I CANT FIND HIS B ALLS OR PENIS UNDER ALL HIS FAT SO I GRAB HIS FACE WITH MY FEET AND SQUEEZE REALLY HARD

AND HE SAID WILL BUT IT SOUNDED MORE LIKE MMMLLL AND THEN HIS WIFE COMES IN AND SAys WILL WHAT ARE U DOING WILL STOP!

AND I TELL HER TO BACK OFF CAUSE HE NEEDS THE EXERCISE AND THEN WHEN IM PUSHING HER AWAY I RIP OFF HER NIGHT GOWN THING AND SHES THERE AND HAS BIG BOOBS

my PENIS goes BOING and I GET OFF UNCLE AND PUSH HER AND THE WINDOW WAS OPEN BEHIND HER AND SHE FALLS OUT

BUT SHE DOESNT FALL ALL THE WAY DOWN SHES HANGING ON WITH HER HAND AND SHARP NAILS

SO THEN ON HER FINGERS I RUB MY PENIS BACK AND FORTH

AND IMAGINE ITS MAKING MUSICAL SOUNDS

AND THEN I THINK OF A REALLY GOOD RAP

YO YO I MOVED TO BEL AIR AND I CANT GET YALL TO HEAR ABOUT IT MY NAME IS WILL AND IM ILL WITH THE SKILL TO RHYME AND IT AINT A CRIME ITS SO SUBLIME AND MY CHILD WAS IN THE WAR WITH THE ENEMY AND I SAID YO DONT SELL HIM TO DENEMY

AND THEN I LEFT THE ROOM WITH THE RAP STILL GOING THROUGH MY HEAD

AND I SEE ASHLEYS ROOM IS OPENED AND SHES ON HER BED AND SHE IS CRYING

SO I SAY YO ASHLEY WHATS UP

AND BEFORE SHE CAN LOOK UP I SLAP HER SO HARD THAT THE LIGHTS IN THE ROOM FLICKER ON AND OFF

LOL WELL SHE AINT CRYING NOW SO I LEFT THE ROOM AND WENT TO HILARYS ROOM

BUT SHE WASNT THERE

SO I RAN DOWNSTAIRS CAUSE I HEARD THE FRIDGE OPEN

AND SHE WAS THERE IN A LONG T SHIRT LOOKING FOR A NIGHT TIME SNACK

SO I SAID YO HILARY

AND SHE SAID WHAT WILL?

AND I SAID NOTHIN and went FFF to CONTROL MY LAUGHTER AND RAN UPSTAIRS

I WENT TO CHECK ON UNCLE AND AUNTIE AND UNCLE WAS TRYING TO ROLL OUT OF BED AND AUNTIE WAS STILL HOLDING ON

SO I SAID YO UNCLE LET ME HELP BUT WHEN I TRIED TO GET MY HANDS UNDER HIM HE ROLLED TOWARDS ME AND I HEARD CRACKING NOISES

AND THEN I FELT IT AND I SCREAMED SO BIG THAT MY MOUTH FELT LIKE IT WAS GOING TO TEAR

I PULLED OUT MY BROKEN HANDS LIMP AND ALREADY STARTING TO SWELL AND I COULDNT FEEL ANYTHING SO I RAN OUT OF THE ROOM TO TELL CARLTON WHAT HAPPENED

HE SAID HE READ A BOOK ON REIKI HEALING AND HE SNAPPED MY HANDS BACK INTO PLACE SO TO TEST IT I SLAPPED HIM

THEY WERE BACK!

THEN HILARY CAME IN

AND SAID WILL I WANT TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT THAT FAVOR YOU PROMISED

AND SO WE WENT BACK TO HER ROOM

AND SHE TOOK OFF HER T SHIRT AND SAID WILL I WANT YOU TO STOP BEING SUCH A MENACE

AND I SAID THATS ONE THING I CANT DO AND I JUMPED AND KICKED HER IN THE NECK AND FELL ON MY HIP

SHE WAS GASPING FOR AIR AND I DRAGGED MYSELF BACK TO CARLTON TO FIX MY HIP

AND HE DID AND TO TEST IT THIS TIME I DID A HULA DANCE AND WENT TO ASHLEYS ROOM

I SAW SHE WAS DOING HOMEWORK ON HER DESK OR WRITING SOMETHING

SO I WENT TO HER BED AND SHAT ON IT

AND SNEAKED OUT OF HER ROOM

HILARY RAN OUT OF HER ROOM NAKED AND SAID IM TELLING DAD AND I SAID GO AHEAD AND TELL THE FAT FUCK AND ANYWAY I WENT IN BEHIND HER AND UNCLE HAD GOTTEN UP AND WAS HELPING AUNTI BACK INSIDE THE ROOM AND EVERYONE WAS NAKEDI N THERE SO I LEFT AND SLAMMED THE DOOR AND SAID WEAR SOME CLOTHES YOU FUCKERS BUT I STILL WASNT WEARING PANTS SO I REMEMBERED THE BUTLER AND WENT DOWNSTAIRS

HE WAS BANDAGING HIS STOMACH BITE WOUND SO I KEPT SLAPPING HIS HAND SO HE COULDNT FINISH AND THEN I TOOK ONE OF THE SHARDS FROM THE SMASHED TV THAT I HORSE KICKED AND SAID YO BRO WATCH OUT THERES AN ANT ON YOUR FACE AND I THREW THE SHARD INTO HIS FACE AND THEN REGRETTED THAT I SAID ANT AND NOT SPIDER AND THEN I TOOK THE SHARD OUT OF HIS FACE AND SAID YO ITSA SPIDER SORRY NOT AN ANT OH NO

ITS CRAWLING IN YOUR NOSE SO I STUCK THE SHARD IN HIS NOSE AND THEN HEARD SOME COMMOTION UPSTAIRS SO I PULLED IT OUT SIDEWAYS REALLY QUICK AND BUTLER SCREAMED AND I RAN UPSTAIRS AND DROPPED THE SHARD ON THE STAIRS AND WENT TO ASHLEYS ROOM WHERE SHE WAS GETTING UNDRESSED TO GET IN HER SLEEP CLOTHES AND SHE HAD A LITTLE BODY SO I PICKED HER UP BY THE WAISTE AND THREW HER ACROSS THE ROOM AND TOWARDS THE WALL BUT IT WAS TOO HIGH AND SHE HIT THE ROOM LIGHT AT THE ROOF AND SHATTERED IT

I RAN TO HILARYS ROOM AND SAW SHE WASNT THERE AND THEN I WENT TO CARLTON AND SAID ITS TIME FOR FAMILY MEETING SO I GOT HIM UP AND I TOOK HIM TO UNCLES ROOM WITH EVERYONE IN IT EXCEPT ASHLEY AND BUTLER

I SAID YO WAIT HERE AND RAN BACK DOWNSTAIRS BUT THE SHARD GOT IN MY FOOT AND IT REALLY HURT SO I PULLED ITO UT AND GOT BUTLER AND THEN GOT ASHLEY AND EVERYONE I PUT THEM IN THE ROOM

AND I SAID ONE FINAL TOUCH AND I RAN TO HILARIES ROOM AND GOT THE BASKETBALL AND BROUGHT IT BACK AND THEN THREW IT REALLY HARD AND IT HIT UNCLES FACE AND HE FELL OVER ON CARLTONS LEG AND CRUSHED IT AND UNCLES NOSE WAS BLEEDING AND I BENT AUNTI OVER AND SHE FARTED IN MY EYE SO I JUDO CHOPPED HER ANUS BUT IT DIDNT DO ANYTHING SO I KICKED HER IN BETWEEN HER BUT CHEEKS AND SHE SCREAMED AND FELL FORWAR

AND SLAMMED HER HEAD ON THE NIGHT STAND TABLE THAT HELD THE LAMP AND THEN I PICKED UP THE LAMP AND TURNED THE LIGHT OFF AND PULLED OUT THE CORD AND SET IT BACK ON THE TABLE BECAUSE THE ROOM LIGHT WAS ON WHY LWASTE ELECTRICITY

THEN I YAWNED AND WENT TO MY ROOM AND WENT TO SLEEP


PART 3[edit]

THEN THE NEXT MORNING I WOKE UP AND WENT TO CARLTNS ROOM AND HE WAS STILL SLEEPING SO I SHAT ON HIS FACE BUT HE SMELLED IT AND WOKE UP SO I GRABBED HIM BY THE COCK AND PULLED HIM OF THE BED AND I WAS LIKE YO AND HE JUST STARE AT ME FOR A MINUTE AND GO SLEEP

THEN I GOED TO AUNT VIV'S ROOM AND SHE WAS FUCKING BUTLER SO I GRABBED A VASE AND SMASHED IT OVER HER FACE AND THERE WAS ALL THIS BLOOD AND SHE WENT WILL AND I GRABBED A MIRROR AND THROWED IT AT BUTLER AND SHAT ON THE CARPET AND WENT YO AND LEAVED

THEN I WENT TO HILARY'S ROOM AND SHE WAS ASLEEP I WAS ABOUT TO DROP THIS GIANT MELON ON HER BACK BUT THEN I NOTICED THIS DRAWER WAS OPEN IN HER ROOM AND IT HAD ALL THIS MONEY IN IT AND SO I GRABBED A NEWZPAPER AND SAT DOWN AND DROPPED A TURD IN THAT PLACE BUT I GUESS I SAID YO TOO LOUD CUZ SHE WOKE UP AND SAID WILL AND I ROUNDHOUSE KICKED HER FACE AND I HEARD HER CHEEK BONE CRACK AND I PISSED IN HER MOUTH AND WENT YO AND LEFT

I WAS ABOUT TO GO TO ASHLEY'S ROOM BUT I HAD TO SHIT REAL BAD AND SO I WENT TO THE BATHROOM BUT WHEN I LEFT EVERYONE WAS ALREAD AWAKE SO I SAID YO TO BE CONTINUED

Krystal Lee Pender[edit]

Hey! =] I’m Krystal Lee Pender and I can’t help but think I’m truly amazing. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not perfect, but I think we can all agree that we’ve got a pretty fine piece of RAW MEAT on our hands. Now, before I come out with my life problems, I must tell you first about my life. Born and raised in Vegas, moved to Hillsborough at age 13 and started my life as a farmer on Amwell Road with my family of thirty kitties. For a reason which I will not go into (FOR NOW), my farming experience turned out for the worst, and I was unable to produce a cash crop to support my raw meat body. I was hungry, poor, and famlyless as my kitties were all dead for I was unable to feed their holocaust like bodies after several weeks. Finally after entering high school, I met a frisky girl named Tina Pender. Strange thing is that Tina and I share something very similar…say, a last name? And what better of a last name to have. WE’RE EXTRA TENDA LIKE A DOUBLE MEATY PENDA.

Enough said for that- I shall now tell you the relationship I have with Tina Pender. Tina is a fair woman with several love handles that I love to grab onto while we preform the most intimate of moments. It gets even weirder when I tell you that Tina and I are almost identical in physical appearance. About a week ago Tina penetrated my human ass with a strap on in the middle of the night and I was forced into having sex with her, although I would not call this rape. Tina humped me for over thirty hours. Once she was done she got up and spun about as though she was being watched by thousands of people, with her being a famous dancer. This, obviously was not the case. The naked Tina Pender stood before me, sweating and red. She screamed obnoxiously and jumped to the door, flying fifteen feet across the room at an unnaturally slow speed. With that, I woke up and started my day just as usual. A day past and I happened to have the idea of a pregnancy test. Well, luck for me the test came out positive.

OKAY SO YOU ALL MUST BE WONDERING THE PRECIOUS QUESTION I’M GOING TO ASK YOU…….IS TINA A MAN? THINKING BACK, I CANNOT RECALL IF THE “STRAPON” WAS TRULY AS STRAPON OR A REAL PENIS. HELP! =] <33333

FUCKING NIGGER PIECE OF SHIT RACISTS AT GAMESPOT[edit]

Did you see this? Did you hear about this?

Those fuckers SHAFTED AND ROBBED MODERN WARFARE 2.

No fucking awards. NONE. NOT ONE. Instead, listen to this shit:

GAME OF THE YEARS >Demon's Souls (faggy weeaboo piece of shit)

Best Shooter >Killzone 2 (laggy, slow faggot fanboy shit game with blurry graphics)

Best online >Killzone 2 (unplayable impossible to aim piece of fuck)

Best Sound >Killzone 2 (fucking niggers)

Most Improved Sequel >Killzone 2 (the shit is THIS. MW2 had this fucking award in a LOCK, biased sons of bitches)

Man, mother fucking MW2 wasn't even NOMINATED for GOTY. But fucking Demon's Souls and Killzone 2 were. This is some shit and I say we fucking fire up the LOIC and take those nigger loving racist pieces of shits DOWN.

How I got my first restraining order[edit]

Soup /b/, I come bearing a story of something that happened to me a few weeks ago. I assure you that this story contains only one mother getting scared, though this does not lead to anyone’s location of residence being altered to that of Bel-Air. Pic unrelated btw.

So I should start by telling you about my friends: Chase Gunders, Connor Dill, and Carmen Statler. (They’ve allowed me to use their names) Chase has been my best friend since elementary school, and he’s a pretty normal guy. I guess that’s why we got along so well. Connor I also met as a kid, but he’s kind of…not very outgoing, I suppose would be the best phrase. Carmen I only met about a year ago, but she fits in well with the rest of our group. Anyway, I guess I should get to the story. (cont.)

It was like any other day, only Connor hadn’t yet shown up to school. He finally arrives just before the first bell. So I ask him where he’s been, and he just says “I got into a fight with my mom.” He immediately left after that. We figured it would be best not to push the issue, and went to our classes. But over the next couple days, he started acting even stranger. Sometimes he wouldn’t even sit with us at break. We finally decide to find out what’s been bugging him. “Hey Dill, what’s up with you lately?” Carmen asked him. He said that nothing was wrong, but I asked him again. He then proceeds to tell us that his mom caught him fapping the other day. “Why were you even fapping in the first place?” Chase asked. “Haven’t you and Becky been fucking for weeks now?” You see, Becky lived right next door to Connor, and her parents were never home, so there was really no reason for him to be fapping. So then Connor tells us that they never did it even once, since she broke up with him as soon as she found out he was a virgin. We sure as hell didn’t know. So Carmen comes up with the idea to help Connor get laid.

After many days of resistance, Connor finally agrees to our help and picks out a girl he’d like. Due to her restraining order on us (you’ll find out why later on in the story) I couldn’t ask her if I could use her name for this. So we’ll call her Ashley. Chase, Carmen and I go through the very tedious process of convincing Connor to ask her out, and she accepts. So they arrange a date to hang out on Saturday, just Burger King and a movie. Connor, of course, is nervous as all fuck. So Carmen, in another one of her brilliant ideas, thinks we should do that sitcom thing where we tell Connor what to say through a secret headset. Connor actually thinks it’s a good idea, and Chase adds in that he knows a guy for whom it worked. I’m still skeptical, but I agree to help out by getting the headsets for us and the micro-sized one for Connor.

Now this is where the fucked up shit happens. We follow them to Burger King, and pick out a spot in the bushes to watch them from. They get their food and sit down. Ashley then says quite the icebreaker, “God, I love the chicken tenders they have here.” Connor makes the mistake of replying without our input: “Y-yeah, I get them all the time.” He had ordered a chicken sandwich. A while after this, Ashley asks him to tell her about himself. He freezes, and we quickly suggest starting with what he likes to do in his free time. Brilliantly, he tells her that he frequents 4chan. Chase facepalms right there, and Carmen says, “Good God, can Dill jack this up any worse?” But little did we know that Ashley herself was

The Copypasta Video Game: One Truth, Over 9000 Lies[edit]

The Beginning[edit]

The young trainer stepped through the doorway and released his two Pokemon, a Growlithe named Wally and a Poochyena named Yitter. The clock on the wall read 10:00 pm. “Great training session, guys! We’re leaving for Cerulean tomorrow, so head upstairs and get some sleep.” The two puppy Pokemon barked affirmatively, and ran upstairs into their room. They each jumped into one of the twin beds and pulled the covers over themselves. “So Wally, what do you think Cerulean City will be like?” Yitter asked. “I don’t think it’ll be that different than Pewter.” Wally replied. “I heard from a Weedle that the Leader there likes water Pokemon, so I don’t know how useful I’ll be.” Yitter said confidently, “Ah, you should be fine. Remember how you did against that Squirtle?” “Heh, I guess you’re right.” Wally replied, closing his eyes.

Yitter then said, “But hey, there’s something I wanted to ask you about.” He sat up in his bed. “Have you ever heard of fapping?” “Wha…? No, I’ve never heard that word before. Where did you hear it?” “Well, I was in Viridian Forest when I heard two Pikachu talking, and-” “Eavesdropping again, Yitter?” Wally said jokingly, sitting up. “Well, it’s not like they were trying to not be heard, so…long story short, I found out that if you rub your…penis hard enough, it feels really good.” “Rub your…penis?” Yitter nodded. “Yeah. I asked around about it, but nobody seemed to want to tell me because I was too young. But I did find a Ratatta who said if you do it long enough, something called ‘semen’ comes out. And when it comes out, that’s when it feels the best.” “And…you’ve tried it since then?” Wally inquired. “Well…no…” Yitter blushed. “I- I was kind of hoping we could try it together.” “Uh, sure, I guess. Let’s um…start?” “Okay, let me see if I can do this…” Both Pokemon moved so that they were sitting on the edges of their beds, facing each other. The Poochyena started running his paw up and down his sheath until the tip of his penis started to show. Wally did the same, and within seconds both Pokemon’s members were fully out of their sheaths.

“Well, let’s see if this works!” He started rubbing the front of his penis, pushing it against his belly. He suddenly let out a sigh of pleasure as his member grew to almost full size. “Oh, man…Wally, you gotta try this. It’s really great.” “Um, okay…” Wally followed Yitter’s example, rubbing his own penis in the same way. “Wow, you’re right…” The Growlithe panted. “Try doing it harder, it feels even better.” Yitter did just that, and immediately saw the difference. “Ahhh…this is great…” Just then, Wally had an idea. He removed his paw and let his penis fall away from his belly. He grasped his member around the shaft and started pumping it up and down. “Haaaahhhh…Yitter, d-do what I-I’m doing. It f-feels…ahhh…” “Okay…like th-ohhhhh…yeah…” Yitter found himself unable to continue speaking over the great amount of pleasure he was experiencing. The two continued in this was for a few minutes. They pumped faster and faster until Yitter felt something happening inside him. “W-Wally…I think I’m gonna…aaaaaahhhhh!” A white liquid squirted out of his penis into the air, landing on his face and Wally’s belly. The Poochyena fell backwards onto the bed, exhausted.

“Uh…Yitter? Was that the…semen?” Wally inquired. “I…I think s-so…” Yitter answered between breaths. “Oh god…Wally, that felt great.” “Hey, Yitter…what do you think this semen stuff tastes like?” “…Huh. I *pant* I don’t know. Here, let me try some.” Yitter sat up and drew some of the cum off Wally’s belly and tasted it off his paw. “It tastes…weird. It’s kind of yummy, though!” “Really…?” Wally asked. He reached over and got some off Wally’s cheek and tasted it. “…Hey, this is pretty good!” “Yeah…” Yitter replied. “Uh, Wally? Can I try something real quick?” “Uh, sure. What do you--” But before he could finish, Yitter reached over and grabbed his friend’s member, eliciting a small gasp of pleasure from the Growlithe. He continued to rub up and down slowly and made Wally pant even harder. “Yitter…Oh, keep doing that…” “Hold on, I think I can do something even better.”

Yitter got down onto the floor moved his head closer to Wally’s penis, noticing a distinct smell coming from his private regions. He opened his mouth and closed it over the Growlithe’s boyhood. “Haaaahhh…Yitter, that’s the best thing I ever…ahh…” The Poochyena sucked on Wally’s member for a couple of minutes, eventually incorporating his tongue into the act. The incredible pleasure of his friend’s mouth on his cock proved to be too much for Wally to handle. “Ahhhhhh--Yitter…I’m g-gonna do it..I--ahh…aaaaaaaahhhhhhh!!!” Wally shot his load into Yitter’s mouth, some of which leaked out onto the Growlithe’s shaft and balls. Wally fell back in exhaustion.

At this exact moment, their trainer walked into the room, no doubt having heard the noise. He looked over at his Pokemon, only to see his Poochyena performing oral sex on his Growlithe, both covered in cum. As any trainer would, he got scared and said “You’re moving with your auntie and uncle in Bel-Air!” I whistled for a cab and when it came near the license plate said fresh and it had dice in the mirror. If anything I could say that this cab was rare but I thought “Nah, forget it. Yo homes, to Bel-Air!” I pulled up to a house about 7 or 8 and I yelled to the cabbie “Yo homes, smell you later!” I looked at my kingdom, I was finally there, to sit on my throne as the prince of Bel-Air.

The trainer quickly regained his composure as a blur covered his entire body. Where he was standing now stood a tall man in a red suit, sporting a matching ski mask with a cigarette in his mouth. “Gentlemen!” The man said with a thick French accent. “My name is /v/. Worry not; your trainer is on the ground floor. Unharmed, but unconscious. If you would do me the favor of telling him that he was dreaming when he awakens, it would help to keep my existence in this world a secret. Now, I must be off to another engagement. I apologize for the intrusion.” With that, the man’s body took on a red, liquid-like state before vanishing completely. Wally and Yitter both looked at each other as a multitude of questions raced through their minds. What was that song that they suddenly started hearing? Who was that man? Should they tell their trainer about him after all? What did he mean by…this world? Neither Pokemon could make any sense of what had happened. In fact, the only question they really had the answer to was the question of whether or not the ps3 had games.

I Love(d) You[edit]

By Wes !IG.aWxtIXM

Dearest /b/rothers,

I'm going to tell you a story. No, this isn't fake. This isn't a troll. Not C&P. This, my friends, is a real story by yours truely. It goes a little something like this:

It was a bright Summer's day in 2006. I was stationed in Little Rock AFB at the time and had everything in the world going for me. I had a wife at home, a kid on the way, and friends that no one could imagine having. I would come home everyday, kiss my wife on the forehead and watch some t.v. with her. Everything was perfect. Not a single thing could ever go wrong and besides, whats the worst that could happen? We lived on base, right next to a beautiful lake, which I took her fishing nearly every weekend at. We had the forest in our backyard. We were even fortunate enough to spot a family of deer walking by as we took a walk down the block. Yes, /b/rothers, life was perfect.

Then it happened. I couldn't tell you what it was exactly. It was like a stream of bad luck or bad karma finally swept over me. Nothing seemed to go right. The days seemed long and dreadful. The misses was alway mad or upset. (From the normal, mind you.) Even things at work seemed to slip passed me. I started making minor mistakes and, knowing my pride, I would deny them, then get in more trouble later on. It's like I got stupid. I started coming home, sitting on the couch, ignoring my wife, and watching t.v. like it was the only thing that mattered to me anymore. I started playing video games more and more, drowning out the rest of society like it was the plague that brought me here. I even remember a particular time that I couldn't focus enough on the road and nearly got smashed by a semi-truck. I turned. Time passed. I got sick. I don't know why, the doctor's didn't know why, and I had nowhere to turn.

I eventually seperated the Air Force under Medical Discharge and got sent home. Not soon after, my handsome son was born. I had gotten his name tattooed across my right forearm. I was so proud of him...Yet still so much pain. I spent every waking hour that I could possibly spend with my son. We took naps together. We walked around the block and spotted birds flying around. We even sat in the back yard and laughed at the dog as he ran around trying to attack the sprinklers. Life wasn't AS perfect, but it was good.

Not too long after, I started getting even more sick. Problems led to more problems. Eventually, I was a walking hazard. I no longer had the strength to hold my child, no longer held the motivation to want to get up in the morning...I wasn't me. It came to the point where I had to be hospitalized. I couldn't even eat on my own. I told my wife to stay home, take care of the house, pay the bills, and care for my son. I spent about a weed in the hospital before I had a cardiac arrest. I was, luckily, brought back, but in critical condition. I was placed in I.C.U. and under constant care. The severity of the arrest put me into a coma and there I stayed for nearly a month. I came to on November 16th, 2009. Days passed before my father could come and sign my discharge. He took me home and told me to get rest, I needed it. Life wasn't good anymore, it was painful.

I went inside and the lights were off. The place reeked of a stench, but I couldn't place my finger on it. I walked upstairs and found the phone unplugged, as well as all other electronics. My wife and kid were nowhere to be found. I figured she was staying with her uncle up north, and told myself that I would call when I woke up from my nap. I walked into my room, plopped on the bed and fell asleep. I woke up at about 6 P.M. The sun was just getting ready to go down. I was put on certain medications that make you have to pee a lot, for whatever reason, and, well, nature as calling. I walked into the bathroom without turning on the lights and did what I needed. For whatever reason, something inside of me told me to look at myself. I turned to the mirror and found a note. This is what it read:

"Dear (Deleted),

I love you. I always will. But (Deleted) and I cannot sit here and wait for you to come around. We have waited and we cannot wait any longer. I have packed all of my belongings, took the marriage certificate, and all of my documents. All of your credit cards and important documents are at the (Deleted) Bank in our deposit box. I made sure to unplug everything so that the electricity bill wouldn't be outragous. I know how much you hated that. I'm sorry it has to be this way but I can't live with you, without you. I have found someone else. He is a great guy and will treat me just as you always have and always would have. I will be with (Deleted)'s house until I (Deleted) can get enough money saved up to get a place for us. I'm sorry.

Love,

(Deleted)

P.S. - I left some paperwork under this note that I think you should read."

I didn't cry. I didn't twitch. I didn't even breathe until I noticed so. I just stood there in disbelief. I stared at the tattoo of my son's name on my arm and it shook violently, holding the note. I noticed the paper underneath, and I turned on the light. The first thing that caught my eye was the word "NEGATIVE" in big, bold black ink. It was a paternity test. Life was no longer painful, it was nothing.

I spent the next week or so in my room. I slowly but surely cut the name off of my arm, cauterized the wounds with a blowtorch-heated steel file, and wept in my room. It was then that I stared at the wall which held a picture of my "wife and son" and realized that the month that I was in a coma was the happiest I will ever be: I didn't have to watch the love of my life leave me with the last thing that stood between my life and death. I didn't have to find out the hard way that she cheated on me all those years. I didn't have to see her kissing another guy while holding someone else's kid. So now I sit on /b/...Wondering if there is someone out there who knows what I feel, someone who can understand my pain. Then I, again, realize that I'm asking hate, itself, to show me compassion. So I give up again...

Happy birthday to me.

Sledging girl[edit]

This is my love story, how I remember it. The reason this matters so much to me is because I’ve always been a sticker when it comes to girls. Every girl I’ve met has always felt too stupid or too whorish to even approach in a “relationship” sort of war. This time is was different. It was probably a lot more awkward that I’m writing it…

I met her at work, when I used to work at K-Mark during the morning shift. I was trying to make some cash during winter break my senior year before I’d go off to college. She came in, and I saw her wandering down isles apparently looking for something in particular. She was so beautiful, I was reluctant to approach her, but when I did it wasn’t as I expect it would be. Our conversation went something like this:

“Uhm… hey… looking for something in particular?”

She turned to me, seeming to snap out of a trance. “What? Sorry. I wasn’t listening.”

“Oh, um. I was wondering if I could help you find what you’re looking for.”

“Yeah, I’m looking for this sled… like, that I used to have, and I loved it because it just felt like… it was like gliding, or like, hovering… in the snow and all.” Fumbling, she made this sheepish grin that I’ll always remember her for. It was childishly cute, with the cutest dimpled, and some stunning deep autumn-colored auburn eyes to match her glossy hair. I’ve personally never much liked brown eyes, but these felt like they had something more to them.

Completely taken aback by the beautiful girl standing in front of me, I said, “Well… I’m sure there are a ton of sleds out there that make you feel… um… that way.”

She laughed at the way I could barely formulate a sentence. I added, “Yeah… lol.” (Yes, I said “lol” out loud, pronounced “lawl”, and yes, I did regret it.) “Do you remember any of the name of the sled you liked?”

She frowned the cutest frown. Her cherry red lips puffed out in a pout and the freckles on her nose squinched up a bit. Fuck she was cute.

“No… I just remember it had, like this kinda nose to it… it was pointed… and the back of it split in two sort of like… a ribbon!” she exclaimed, excited by remembering this fact for no apparent reason.

Oh my god, I thought. I have this exact sled, I’m sure of it.

“Was it called… um… shit I know this!” We laughed. “Oh! Dude, was it called the tomahawk?”

She didn’t seem to have any recognition associated with the name, and it felt as if my hopes and dreams had been shattered.

“Umm… all I know is what I told you,” she said with a smile. I smiled back so hard that it hurt.

“Well, unfortunately all we sell are these crappy little… I think they call ‘em ‘Luges’… in the front of the store. I definitely wouldn’t use one though.”

She frowned again. That same, cute little pout.

“I’m sorry I couldn’t help,” I added.

“No, it’s okay. I just like… wanted to sled before the snow went away. I don’t really have anything to use.”

“I’m sorry,” I said again, shuffling my feet, “Can I help you with anything else?”

“No I’m fine,” she said, giving me a fake smile. I felt defeated.

She turned and started walking away, but after a few seconds I called out, “Wait!” I remember jogging over to her, even though she’d probably only walked about fifteen feet.

“You have the prettiest smile, and I can’t help but notice how it rubs off on me. I get off work at 2:00, and I want to go sledding with you. I’m positive I have the sled you like…” I added, feeling my face redden.

The five seconds she took to respond felt like a lifetime. Then she smiled and said, “Sure. I mean, why not? Here, let me give you my number…”

YEAH! HOLLLLLYYYY SHIT! Sledding date with a ridiculously cute chick. I don’t think I’ve ever smiled so much in my life.

She gave me her name and number, and I punched it into my phone. Then she texted me her address, and surprisingly the street was pretty close to my house. I remember as she walked out of the store, I did a little victory dance, stupid as it sounds.

The second I got home from work, I mapquested her address, then I walked out to my garage to look for “the Tomahawk.” It took some heavy lifting, but I found it, an old rusty sled that didn’t work, my old snowboard under a crap load of wood, and a few other mediocre sleds. I threw them into my car and headed off. Skipping to the old hill behind the school where I used to sled as a kid, the sun was setting and the sky was fading from red to orange, with dark blue and purple tips just over the horizon. I looked to my right and she was there, looking right back at me with those deep brown eyes. Her cherry red lips parted into a smile, and her hot breath turned came out in little visible puffs as she put her hand in mine and smiled.

We sledded and flirted for an hour and we were cold and tired. We went back to the top of the hill and just sat on the sleds, probably for around half an hour, just talking, watching the light fade from the sky, remembering when we were kids having fun on the same hill.

Soon, when the light was almost gone and it was getting cold, I said, “So, it’s pretty nippy out. My house is just around the corner, want to come inside and warm up? We could watch a movie or something.”

“Sure,” she said, melting my heart yet again with her perfect smile.

I drove us back to my house and almost got stuck in the snow twice on the way there. I fumbled with the keys at the door, freezing, but when we finally stumbled inside, I heated up some water and made some instant cocoa for both of us and we both sat down on the couch.

We had a little argument over which movie to rent from on-demand. There weren’t a lot of good movies to pick from, and it was between 500 Days of Summer, which I hadn’t seen, and Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless mind, one of my absolute favorites, but a movie that she didn’t know about.

“But Eternal Sunshine is amazing! Besides, I’m not really in the mood for a chick flick,” I said.

“But it’s NOT a chick flick. And it’s the cutest movie ever!” she replied, her cheeks flushed red, looking a little angry. That angry face melted my heart. I couldn’t help but agree.

Actually, the movie was really good, but we barely made it past the title screen. We were sitting on the couch, holding hands, and aroudn the time in the movie where they first kissed... well, at this part in the movie, the main character and his girl are in a copying room, and she just randomly walks up to him and they start making out. So I turned to face my girl, and she turns to face me, but I notice that the scene in the movie is practically over, so I just look at the screen again.

Then she takes my hand, and with velvety soft finger tips she laughs, and tells me to pause it for a second.

Before I knew it, he soft lips were pressed against mine. "I told you it was good," she said, smiling down at me from above, her hair falling down on my face like a waterfall. Fuck i was so thirsty... We stayed like that for a while, smiling, looking into each other's eyes, just taking in the moment. Before we knew it it was really late. I asked her to stay and she said that she wouldn't mind at all.

I got up to go get a blanket, and I stretched the couch out into a futon and we fell asleep there together. I can't believe I actually dozed off.

My heart was fluttering the whole time.

I awoke for just a second or two with her lying on my chest, tickling my chin with her fingertips. I looked down at her, and she hid her face from me, looking ashamed to have woken me up.

She looked back up at me. "Sorry I woke you, It's just the noise from outside... It woke me up." Upon listening, i noticed that someone outside must have been shoveling their car out,and making quite a bit of racket doing so. It was 4:30 in the morning.

We layed together, cuddling, kissing, listening to the plastic scrape against the icy pavement and the few early birds that decided to sing before dawn. It seemed like an eternity, the happiest eternity of my life.

Sooner or later though, i fell back asleep.

I woke up what seemed to be about three hours later. She was gone.

I looked about the room, checked the bathroom, checked the kitchen, but she wansn't there. I checked my phone, but not only had she not texted me, even the previous texts were gone.

Then it hit me.

It was all a dream. A silly, made up dream. An epic multipart nightmare-indie-romatic-comedy love child my brain had developed to torture me. None of it was real.

It was the best and worst feeling I've ever felt.

Zelda is so racist[edit]

Zelda is so racist. The good guys are all white blond-haired Aryan types, and the bad guy is a brown-skinned man with a pronounced nose.

Other races like gorons and zora are considered "good" because they submit to the Hylians.

Not the gerudo, though. Nope. They want to be independent and refuse to be dominated, therefore they are "evil."

Say, doesn't Hylian kinda sound like Aryan?

Ganon wants to create "a world of darkness," because obviously a world not ruled by white people = darkness and chaos amirite?

Link is the chosen hero because he has the blood of ancient Hylian warriors. He's a hero because of his blood? In other words, he's automatically the hero because his ancestors are white?

Master Sword, huh? Is that like the master race?

The Triforce is a KKK symbol.

The final boss of Zelda 2 is Shadow Link, who is exactly like Link except he is black.

Nice pointy hat, Link. Was KKK-mart having a sale?

Irish porn bankers wear our skin using VR and wireless[edit]

buuuuuuuuump

Hi help me anon and /v/. Irish porn bankers wear our skin using VR and wireless

OK also.

http://groups.google.com/group/singularity-aliens

^^ God Jesus Christ Jesus God Please Christ Please join this please it's not some gay govt shit. Something is actually happening here

http://groups.google.com/group/singularity-aliens

just use your gmail click around and find join it's only like one message a day and it is fuckin cutting edge i don't know of anyone else in the world with one of these terror domination torture and control implants that also pretend to be really smart and cool but they're fucking real

http://groups.google.com/group/singularity-aliens

holy shit third time just join ok ty ilu flmat

please please. it's not really about aliens

It's really about vr-telepresence torture-porn perpetuated by the elite on the attractive and underweight of the underclasses. We don't get any money but they steal our experiences and thoughts and memories and dreams and lives and feelings, it's terrible. It's actually sexual it's rape but if you ignore it, it's fine. Don't worry about me

The govt has all the trolls there they need, MKULTRA COINTELPRO MJ12 all talk to each other so I hope I just get people who really do wonder whats going on. We're only being trickled technology and it's filled with bugs and shit and probably nanobots are everywhere watching who they haven't implanted yet. But those they have implanted they wear our bodies and torture us in groups for fun. I shit you not

I'm happy you got to hear this here. Get on the mailing list, it is reputable. I'm updating about this 'contact' phenomenon with my implant semi daily right now and hopefully there will be another soon. I will call him Majestic Two

Note this is not some role playing shit

Shit Ninja[edit]

Alright listen up /b/itches,

Put your cock back in your shorts and tune in cause this is the criminal mastermind of our generation letting you in on a dirty secret. I know the kind of filth that lurks these boards and I'm well aware that I speak anonymously, I don't really value your input but I cant relish my satisfaction sufficiently without sharing my foul deeds with someone who can appreciate this degree of dominance. What I am about to tell you would clear the confusion of many a horrified household, and help them feel safe as they sleep. But they will never know, and this fact makes me squirm with almost more giggly delight than the pinch itself.

I start preparing early in the day, assuring myself that all will go as planned. I am sure to eat a large breakfast and lunch for I will surely need help in the dank hours of the night. My wardrobe is taken from the closet and carefully inspected to assure it is in pristine order. Everything I will need; black sneakers, black trousers, black jacket, black mask, black socks, black underwear, black thermos with built in instant coffee maker, lock picking kit, and one Uncle Johns certified organic bathroom reader. As daylight draws to a close I suit up and prepare for the attack.

I jump in my black ford bronco (it is a piece of shit but it gets the job done) and slide away down the alleyways leading from my hideout to 'civilization'. Fifty antsy minutes of driving brings me to tonights' target is a beautiful suburban two story colonial at the end of a quaint little cul-de-sac. Truly the American dream at it's finest. I can feel my insides squirming with anticipation. It is almost as if I am about to burst out of myself. The sun is gone, and the crescent moon does not grant much light to compromise my stealth so I park down the block and slither my way down the street.

Over fences and under bushes I cut through the backyards of this unsuspecting neighborhood comfortable as a pig in shit. As I approach my destination, peering from the dark cover of a willow tree behind the house I can see the mother quietly kissing her daughter goodnight as she tucks her in and retires for her own bedroom. My eyes have surveyed this house time and time again, but tonight is the night. I can feel it in my gut, there is no turning back. As expected the son is up late playing video games while his family sleeps, but he seems to persist on later than is typical. I become frustrated and smite myself in anger for I had daintily forgotten tonight is a friday night, and the little shit would stay up late playing video games for he could sleep in late the next day. My legs feel restless as I try to hold in my anticipation, but finally the light in his room goes out. I wait a few more precious minutes before I army-crawled over to their hall window. Conveniently left open I wiggle my way in, completely undetected. I have practiced much for the upcoming challenge, and have no problem making my way down the hall without waking even their dog. The door is just up and on the left, I am sure of it. I can practically smell my plight.

With a light yank the door opens for me and I get in position, locking the door behind me. The room is well decorated, white walls sponged with little yellow flowers, and stems on each one. This is typical of many of the houses I have broken into. But I grew tired of admiring the scenery, the deed must be done. I mount the white basin as quietly as I came in, I put the instant coffee into the thermos and mix it with hot water from the faucet. But my concoction would not be complete without the addition of a considerable amount of instant laxative which I carry on me at all times. I slurp down the yummy mixture with a vigor more monstrous than that of a vampire feasting at a red cross blood warehouse.

The mug is thrown to the floor as I open the bathroom reader on my lap, grabbing the sides of the bowl with my hands and bracing myself for the battle to come. My anus tightens up like a jewish piggy-bank and I clinch my teeth together as I combat the urge with all my strength and begin reading. Two long minutes crawl by and I can feel my sphincter slipping. My eyes squeeze shut as tears roll down my cheeks. GOD I want to let go but I manage to maintain my composure for another thirty seconds until my anus opens up wider than your mothers vagina. I let out a bellowing yell as gallons of butt-butter explode from me so hard all the water is splashed out of the bowl and up my back. I can feel my anus fissuring as my eyes roll back into my head and my bellowing turns into a shriveled scream. My abdomen collapses into my body for I have expelled enough fecal matter to clog the amazon. I can hear sounds on the little girl crying in terror and the mother screaming frantically. It is time to go. My standing up causes a decent amount of poo to land on the floor for the bowl is overflowing. Laughingly I flush the measly 1.6 GPF toilet to add to the chaos and immediately escape out the small window. Up and out I go, much lighter and more nimble than before howling mad laughter as I steal away down the street. Agent #2 has struck again.

ROCKET POWER[edit]

Tito climbed into Reggie's room and immediately punched her in the face, knocking her out cold.

Upon awakening Reggie found herself bound and gagged to a chair. Tito was naked, standing in front of her with a big Hawaii boner staring her in the face. "As the ancient Hawaiians used to say...it's time for a dicking!" And at that, Tito leaped forward and grabbed Reggie's undeveloped breast. He grabbed with all his might, and ripped the skin from her body. Her muffled screams fell flat, and no one came to her help.

The blood aroused Tito more than he'd ever been aroused. It reminded him of the stories his mother used to tell him of the ancient Hawaiian sacrifices in which the subjects would receive wounds to which the sacrificers would rape. He couldn't wait, Tito grabbed a hammer and smashed at Reggie's ribcage, again her screams were not heard. After breaking an opening to her insides, Tito plunged in. He thrust in and out in complete ecstasy. The pain was unbearable for Reggie and she lost consciousness. Tito came almost immediately, but he was by no means done. He pulled out of her chest, his PENIS dripping blood and semen. Tito cleaned his dick off with Reggie's tongue.

Tito tore out a few of the ribs he had broken and shoved them up his ass to stimulate his enormous prostate.

Tito then undid Reggie's restraints and began fucking her now lifeless corpse. After deploying his Hawaiian happy sauce, he decided he wanted a better look at Reggie.

Tito shoved his hand up Reggie's ass. He thrust it in as far as he could and grabbed on to the first organ he could, and then pulled out. He ripped out her entire small intestine and part of her large. Tito started to giggle and coiled up the small intestine like a rope.

He noticed the sun was coming up so he had to finish in a hurry. Tito went to his clothes and dressed himself. He pulled a large knife from his pocket and began to skin Reggie's body.


Just then Tito remembered, he was not man, but bear. He Skinned himself to reveal his true identity, a Grizzly Bear. He sat in the center of the room for several hours until Reggie's father came in.

"Reggie it's time for schoo-HOLY FUCKING SHIT A BEAR OH MY GOD REGGI-" and Tito attacked and ate Ray. Then Tito went outside and let out a bear noise and a ray came from the sky and swept him away to his home planet of Canada.

The War Against 4chan[edit]

Attention 4chan!

I recently came upon 4chan when a friend recommended I visit the sites for a few laughs. I figured "What the hell? I could use some laughs." I must say that when I came on I was disgusted and not amused at all. Why you ask? Because everything on this entire site is literally shit! I mean yes there is funny pictures posted every now and then. But honestly; Do any of you little shits have a life? I mean are you so immature and unintelligent that you find things like cartoon porn and random naked woman shaking their boobs funny?

GROW UP! Grow up 4chan. You all seriously need a reality check, You could be doing so many things in the day, yet you all choose to sit around on your fucking fat ugly asses and post pictures and then make sarcastic or idiotic comments like "tits or gtfo" and "o rly?".

Get off you fat asses and do something better with your life. I mean all of you have no life, no social life either for that matter. The supposed "girls" that come on here and converse with you are just as much losers are you, they are either fatter then fatty-tan or a term you'd better understand "A trap".

Well I've put in my two cents, and on a last note, I will do everything in my power to expose this site to people who will react legally upon this disgusting filthy site. This is not the end. It's just beginning. Grow up!

-DG

Need help with frend?[edit]

Ok i was at the YMCA swimming pool and me and this girl are good friends. So outside she was saying like we should go to family change room. I was wondering why, but i didnt question her. So when we entered i went to the change room, and she said she will stay outside at the lockers and change. Because nobody was there. And after i changed into my swimming trunks i jumped out of the changing booth and bam~ she was standing there exposing her but. Then she turned around to get something out of her swimming bag. and i saw her front body parts. It was my first time seeing a naked girl in real life, and i was shocked that her V*GINA had hair on it, and i didnt have any hair since im a late bloomer. She screamed at me and i ran out and said sorry on msn. And she wont even talk to me anymore! how do i get her to be my friend again...i dont want our friendship to be broken just cuz i saw her with fully naked?? source

In love with Seto Kaiba[edit]

Hello /b/, I am a 17-year-old cumdumpster and I have been lurking since October of 2007. The following post is not copypasta, but rather, my entirely true story.

I am a weeaboo, and about six months ago, I started watching Yugioh, not expecting myself to get into it at all. However, as the series progressed, I found myself feeling further and further infatuated with Seto Kaiba. Before long, I was thinking about him nonstop. After several weeks of trouble in school and the like since I could only focus on him, I came to the conclusion that I was in love with him.

So there you have it: I'm in love with Seto Kaiba. All of my fantasies center around him, and I cannot stand the idea of being with anyone else. I know he is not real, however, and this very fact troubles me more each day. Certainly you must know of a way for me to not only make him real, but for him to fall as deeply in love with me as I have with him. I know that, this being /b/, you'll probably only respond to this with "tits or GTFO", "no wimminz on the Internets" and the like, but if anyone here still does have a shred of humanity within them, please help me. There is nothing I want more than to be with him.

Revenge of the incest[edit]

Before you read this: Please don't judge me... I'm just sharing my story because people asked...

Wow... okay, I wasn't sure if I was ever going to tell anyone about this, but it's late and I'm sleep deprived so i guess I'll just write it now and regret it in the morning :/

First of all, - just for some background: My mom died right when I was born, (she was actually really, really hot- but this isn't about her. I guess that's fucked up to say, but whatever.) I actually grew up with my Mom's family, because my dad has all sorts of emotional issues and he bailed before I was born. So you can see, my childhood was really kind of messed up.

Anyways, growing up I feel like there was always a lot of distance between me and my sister. When I was about 17 or 18 I first noticed that my sister was a hottie.

I don't want to go into to many details about it, but basically what happened is that I accidentally found a video that she made of herself. I knew she didn't make it for me- but I thought she was so fucking beautiful that I watched it twice. (probably would have watched it a hell of a lot more, except that like right around the time I found the video, all this crazy shit went down and I had to leave home. (My mom's family who I was staying with got in bad trouble with the law. I never talk about it).

Sooo... I was totally lusting after my sister at that point. She was also having bad trouble with the law. She was actually in custody when I left home.

My friend and I went to go pick her up. When I saw her that day, after seeing the video, I have to be honest, I just wanted to fuck her brains out. Looking back on it now, it's pretty messed up- but I think she had feelings for me too. She actually kissed me right after we came to get her... and it wasn't a sisterly kiss, you know? I mean, it wasn't like ridiculously sexual or anything, but it definitely wasn't sisterly.

After we left, we all went to crash with my Sister's friends. On the trip there, my friend sort of implied that he wanted to get with my Sister, and I got a little jealous. He's a good looking guy- and even though she was my sister- I just felt like he was competition. Not much else happened between us for a while except some maybe-sexy hugging.

Pretty much everyone in my life at that point was wanted by the government, so we all moved around a lot. I'm not saying that I'm proud of it or anything, but it was kind of an awesome time.

My friend and my sister never hooked up I don't think- but I thought there was some serious sexual tension going on between them. It was around that time that I got really badly hurt in an accident. It was fucked up. I almost died. But when I was in recovery my sister came to see me, and out of the clear blue sky she started gives me this awesome, slow, passionate kiss on the lips.

Sadly (although, I guess for the best) nothing ever came of it. We spent some time apart... and I started to get really religious, so I tried not to think of her that way. It was actually going well for a long time- like I was totally over her. But I have to say, like a year or so after all that stuff went down, we were out sailing (not like a date or anything romantic like that), and she was wearing like the hottest bikini I've ever fucking seen and it brought back all the old feelings. Sigh.

A little while later she actually wound up with my friend from before (the sexual tension guy). I can't say I was surprised.

But even after she was shacking up with my friend, there was one time we were at a party... my friend was inside, and my sister and I were outside alone. It was a really intimate moment. I think something might have happened, except that I killed the mood when I told her that Darth Vader was our father and that I had to go face him.

Grave Robbing[edit]

Hello, /b/.

Over the past 6 months I have been planning something. Something epic.

It all started when I was walking my dog. I was just walking by when I saw the local cemetery and decided to walk around. I was casually looking at the gravestones. I looked for the oldest one. I looked for the newest one. I looked for the one that costs the most.

Just then, like a bolt of lightning, it struck me.

The idea.

I walked to the church across the street from graveyard, and asked a man if I could view a list of people buried in the cemetery. He told me I could speak to the head of the Cemetery Committee. He gave me her number. Later that night I called and arranged a meeting. I asked her about the list and she asked why. I told her I thought I had family there, which was of course a lie. Even so, she trustingly walked over to the filing cabinet next to her desk, and handed me the list. I asked her If I could have a copy to which she replied, no. She excused herself to go to the restroom. I couldn't believe my luck. I had time to take several pictures of the list. When she came back, I told her I didn't find anything, thanked her, and left.

Step 1 of my plan was complete.

Step 2 was a bit harder. I now had to research every last person and find out anything I could about them. Sometimes, it was a simple as googling their name. Other times I had to spend hours looking through archives in the library. Whenever I researched a name, there was one thing in particular I looked for. When I was finished with every name on the list, I had only 17 out of 127 names written down. I'll tell you what was special about them soon. Next, I started researching how to build tunnels. I know what you're thinking, but this is all completely true. The detail I was looking for was wealth.

So here is the basic overview of my plan, now that you know how I got to where I am: I am going start digging tonight. I am going start in the woods on the border of the graveyard, and work my way to the 17 graves. I have no help and have to do it all by hand so nobody wakes up and decides to play detective. I am going to run an extension cord from a house nearby (I live in rural NC.) and run it into the tunnel. I will then plug in my circular saw, (The sound will be muffled in the tunnel.) and cut the bottom off of the caskets I have exposed. I will take any and all jewelry, (wedding rings, necklaces, ect) or any other expensive accessories and pawn them. I also have on the list of 17 a WWII vet, in hopes he will be wearing something expensive and army related.

So what do you think?

America is Not a Fucking Country[edit]

AMERICA IS NOT A FUCKING COUNTRY
That's right, dipshit! And you know it. America is not a fucking country. If you fail to see this, let me open your eyes:

  1. The United States
    That's right motherfucker! It's called the United States of America! That's your shitty country! America, or the Americas, is North, Central and South America combined! STOP CALLING YOUR AIDS REGION AMERICA WHEN YOU ARE JUST ONE LITTLE SHIT PIECE OF IT! IT'S LIKE CALLING THE FUCKING MIDDLE EAST EURASIA!
    "What the fuck is he talking about, Middle East is not a country lol! What a faggot!" Well YOUR FACE because USA is just as much a country as the Middle East! Which means, it is fucking NOT. However, a much better comparsion is
  2. Europe
    That's right fuckface. There is no fucking difference between Europe and USA. Europe consists of 50 countries with different laws. USA consists of 50 states with different laws. But the same flag. Both are 10.000.000 square kilometers. SO STOP SAYING WE CANT COMPARE THEM THEY ARE THE FUCKING SAME! And USA's countries are called
  3. States
    The fucking states. They are just like fucking countries, explained earlier. Also, if you ask an "American" where he is from, he will not say "USA" or "America", but the state he is from. If you ask a European where he is from, he will say the country. NOT THE FUCKING REGION OF THE COUNTRY! And have you noticed how you have 5 different time zones? Most normal countries have one time zone even if they actually cross several ones. Don't blame this on your size, becasue CHINA IS ALSO CROSSING 5 FUCKING TIME ZONES BUT IT HAS THE SAME TIME ALL OVER! This is clear evidence the states are countries in disguise. Also, even if we assume I am wrong on all this
  4. It's not your country
    FUCKING COLUMBUS! America, talking about the whole region now not your shitty united countries, belonged to the INDIANS! not because they where from India, but Columbus was so mindfucked he thought he was in India. Then he brought some friends, raped the whole fucking thing and killed all natives. Because
  5. You are not Americans
    Columbus brought his European friends and claimed the whole fuck. Most of them British. Then he imported loads of Niggers from Africa as slaves. Eventually they mixed, and the abomination that is known today as "American" was born. Also, did you read that part about Britain? You know, where England is? BECAUSE YOU SPEAK FUCKING ENGLISH! YOU DON'T SPEAK AMERICAN! YOU ARE JUST A FUCKING NIGGER BRIT MIX THAT PRETENDS TO HAVE AN OWN IDENTITY! Besides
  6. You didn't even deserve a country
    JUST LOOK AT YOU! FUCKING PIECE OF FAILURE SHIT! Your average IQ is 97 versus the global average 100 and European average 101. If you are dumb as fuck and know nothing about IQ, because yours is under 80, you might not think 3 or 4 points are very much. Well, THEY FUCKING ARE! And your obsession with FAT DISGUSTING SHIT THINGS. People are getting fat because of McDonald's, and other junk food, not to mention sweets and snacks, thanks to you. Fried Mars bars and pancake & sausage with chocolate chip on a stick is NOT FUCKING NORMAL. It's not even supposed to be edible! IT'S FUCKING GROSS, JUST LIKE YOUR FACE! USA is the only "country" in the world to ban Kinder Eggs, since the fat bastard kids just shoved the whole fucking thing into their mouths and suffocated due to the plastic capsule. And then you think you are SO FUCKING COOL? The Universe was created when someone popped your huge fucking goddamn ego bubble with a needle. Fucking
  7. FUCK

I think I'm just going to kill myself now[edit]

I met this girl. Amazing. She was beautiful. We quickly became friends, and I couldn't hold it in anymore.

"Want to go out?," I asked

You won't believe what she said. I'm not even kidding


This is true.


"Sorry, I don't like boys," she said.


I think I'm just going to go jump out a window now.


I lost my cat[edit]

I lost my cat approximately 4 hours ago and I was wondering if anybody has found it. I do not know what it looks like, and I do not want you to know it's name. It's none of your fucking business. I'm calling the cops if nobody finds my cat and you still manage to find out it's name...and you're all going to jail. The cat does not like fish and that is not a sexual innuendo. I prepared a feast for it, but it escaped the zip-ties a put around it's paws. I guess it would have helped if I tied the paws together, but again..it's none of your god damn business or I'm calling the police. I am not angry. I made that up but it's completely irrelevant to the case; the case which involes my missing cat. Bring me a cat, or I will call the cops. I have dark brown hair, brown eyes, 6'0" in height, approximately 170 lbs. of everything you have dreamt of. I am white in complexion. Israel has awesome commandos with knives and berets so I am also 1/4 Japanese but I am white. The older ladies say I look like a mix between Keanu Reeves and Billy Crystal. The ladies, they love me, you see? Please help me find the cat, this is not an option for you. I hope the information I have given helps you. Gargle warm salt water and stare at the mirror with 3-D glasses on at 88 MPH and you will find the answer. The answer to my fucking cat. F u ck it j u st b ri ng m e as m a ny ca t s as pos s ib le. I am American and I love jean shorts. I am so angry that there are cats out there that aren't my cat. I can't believe how serious people are on some of the posts on here..."I'm just a dude that likes sports and Nickelback is a good band but rap really isn't my cup of tea."..."I like rock and rap nbo country but some, Ed Hardy, and I want to be like the guys in Jersey Shore." fools.

See Also[edit]