Copypasta/Archive 2

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Archive 2[edit]

A Little Revenge[edit]

Now, I’m sure many of you have encountered little shits in supermarkets. Little kids running about and knocking things over, being rude, walking all over their parents, you know the kind. But the worst are the biters. Yes, those little cunts that feel it is okay to bite you whenever they feel like it. Okay, here’s the best part. A biter got me today when I was grocery stopping. He broke the fucking skin, too. This was when the gears started turning, the moment I saw a tiny sprinkle of blood on the little shit’s teeth as he was grinning at me like the little cunt he is. I made my eyes get wide, and started screaming “SHIT! SHIT!.” Now, my good friend, Tom we’ll call him, was there too, and he instantly picked up on it. He started shouting “FUCK! MAYBE HE DIDN’T GET IT! FUCK!”. By now, the kid is scared shitless and starts crying, and instantly, Mizz Mom appears out of nowhere and starts getting pissy at us for yelling at her kid. Here’s the kicker, I look her straight in the eye and say, “Ma'am, get your son tested as soon as possible, he just bit me and I’m… I’m FUCKING HIV POSITIVE.” And now there is silence. Not a peep in the entire store. The brat knows he just fucked up big time because his mom isn’t defending his ass. She just stares at me wide eyed. I walk away from them, buy my shit from the wide eyed cashier, all the while blood is dripping from my calf, making a nice little trail on the floor. And, just as we leave, we start to hear the mother sobbing. Sobbing like the cunt she is. I have never felt any more satisfaction than the moment I heard that sob. I'm not really HIV Positive, but that little shit must've gotten in a fuckheap of trouble.


Match My Rank[edit]

FUCK YOU NINTENDO. I PICK FUCKING "MATCH MY RANK" AND YOU PUT ME UP AGAINST A FOUR STAR GOD DAMN IT FUCK YOU! I'M A FUCKING TWO STAR. FOURSTAR DOES NOT MATCH A FUCKING TWO STAR! WHAT THE FUCK IS YOUR PROBLEM? YOU GOD DAMN CHINKS?! YOU MADE THE FUCKING WII, NOW MAKE YOUR ONLINE SYSTEM OPTIONS FUCKING WORK. I'M TIRED OF SETTING IT TO MATCH MY RANK ONLY TO FIND IT NOT MATCH MY RANK THEN GO DOWN A RANK BECAUSE OF YOUR FUCKED UP SYSTEM. GOD DAMN IT. FUCK YOU NINTENDO. I'LL NEVER BUY ANOTHER GAME FROM YOU AGAIN. AND I'M GOING TO BOMB JAPAN TOMORROW. HOW ABOUT THAT, NINTENDO?

Laughing at You[edit]

/b/, I laugh at all you faggots who are imprisoned in a relationship. They are worthless. The only men who need their better half were half a man to begin with.

Look what I get to do. I wake up, and go surfing in the morning before work. Then I change in my car and head off to my job where I make 110,000 a year. I work for 6 hours, then come home. I can listen to music, and even go on /b/ if I'm ahead schedule.

Then I get off work, and get to come home and relax in front of my 21" LCD monitor, which has a custom build, Quad-Core Processor, and have 2 8800 ULTRA video cards. 8 gigs or ram. 1 TB HD for games and other progs, and an external 1 TB HD for porn, and movies. I've also got a $500 chair, that is comfortable as fuck, and a 9.1 surround system, in my room and my living room. I can run Crysis on Very High and get 50 FPS. Every other game runs flawlessly. I also have a t1 internet connection for downloading anything I want within minutes. I never lag in a game.

I've got a Fleshlight, and have a 10 grand real doll I'm considering buying. Yes, I've had a gf before, and this feels pretty damn close. 9/10 to a real pussy. I recommend the wonder wave to other anons. I've got a 72 Camero I rebuilt, and put about 50 grand into. It's fucking bad ass. I've also got a nice 2 story home. Have been making 90k-110k the last 5 years.

I have absolutely no stress in my life. No worthless cunt nagging, no worthless cunt expecting me to buy her shit, entertain her, etc...It's amazingly relaxing. If I had a gf, or a wife I would not have half the cool shit I do right now. All the time I spend on hobbies and other things would be sucked up. Women are fucking worthless money grubbing, attention whoring...WHORES

/spit

I encourage you anons to do the same. Become successful, and live a wonderful single life. Don't take those bitches shit. They only cause stress. Relax and enjoy your life /b/rothers.

(Don't even try to copypaste this, because everyone with a brain knows that anyone on /b/ doesn't have a job)

Moot Fanfic[edit]

It was another agonizing day on /b/. Newfags, gaiafags, furfags, you name it. Anonymous was tired of it. Moot was tired of it, too. She wanted to stop it. But she couldn't.

There was only one way: Snacks.

W.T. Snacks, ex-girlfriend of said Moot, was the only way to solve the cancer that was killing /b/. They decided to meet eventually.

As soon as poor Snacks entered Moot's humble little adobe, she was pounced upon. Thrown to the couch, she was quickly stripped of her tight, constricting and beautiful schoolgirl outfit.

Now both Snacks and Moot were in their beautiful lingerie. It begun.

Moot climbed over Snacks on top of the couch, a slight purr to her neko lips, as she leaned down to gently plant those lips on Snacks' face. Quickly, the blonde, teenage girl struggled and squealed under the neko's grasp, but it was futile. Moot had the upper hand.

That upper hand quickly lowered itself, one of Moot's soft, milky hands slowly caressing one of Snacks' delicious breasts, the other intertwined tightly in the smooth blonde hair of the girl beneath her. She replied with a quiet gasp, turning into a soft, shivering moan, as the nekogirl began to molest her.

Snacks' back arched in pleasure as she crawled out from under Moot, sitting back against the couch. Moot slid off, onto her knees, in front of the beautiful loli, and then began her work.

She pulled aside Snacks' panties, revealing the tiniest sprinkle of silky blonde pubic hair, and the perfectly symmetrical, tightened folds of Snacks' virgin cunt. Her semi-rough neko tongue tentatively stuck out, a hand on each of the girl's thighs. As the tongue dragged along sweet, damp lips, Snacks let out a whimper and a moan of delight, squirming from Moot's ever-so-soft kisses.

As Snacks' love juices emptied themselves into Moot's mouth, her tongue dug deeper, her delicious flat chest grinding up against Snacks' leg. Her own wetness was approaching, plus...something a little different, and Snacks' eyes went wide in shock as she realized the truth. Moot had a penis.

The shock quickly subsided into gasps and mewls of love as Moot did her best to pleasure her slit. and eventually Snacks could not resist that pleasure. Her back arched and out rang a loving, passionate moan as she orgasmed, juices finding their way to coat Moot's face and chest.

Moot herself could stand it no more. She stood up and dropped her panties, exposing her slim, yet exotic six inch shaft in front of Snacks, pulsating and throbbing in Anticipation. Snacks could not resist. Her legs spread wide, and her fingers held her sopping wet pussy open.

The neko futa descended upon Snacks. Almost immediately she was at it, her cock slipping inside Snacks' warm, inviting orifice, beginning to pound mercilessly, crushing her virginity. The larger girl yelped in pain, then mewled in delight, wrapping her arms around Moot's loli frame. Moot's tongue found it's way to Snacks' nipple, suckling on it like a newborn child as one hand groped Snacks' other breast, the other tweaking and playing with Snacks' clit as they mated in passion.

Plowing through each of the blonde girl's orgasms, Moot continued to suckle and kiss her breast, pleasure flooding both girls' senses as final orgasms approached. All the hatred, all the bans and horrors of /b/, to this moment, were now drowned in one last second of ecstasy.....

...and then there was no more. Moot almost screamed out in delight as she came, shooting her neko seed deep into Snacks' womb. She could only twitch and shudder in response as their fluids mixed inside Snacks' tight cunt.

They lay there for several minutes, when suddenly, Moot's mother entered the house. As she gazed upon the form of her son/daughter, shaft eagerly buried within the wet tunnel of Snacks, she became scared. She said, "You're moving with your auntie and your uncle in Bel-Air!"

I whistled for a cab, and when it came near, the license plate said "FRESH" and it had dice in the mirror. If anything I could say this cab was rare, but I thought naw forget it, "Yo Holmes, to Bel-Air!"

I pulled up to a house about seven or eight, and yelled to the cabbie, "Yo Holmes, smelled you later!" Looked to my kingdom, I was finally there, to sit on my throne as the Prince of Bel-Air.

NEWGROUNDS WAS FUNNY WHEN[edit]

FACT: NEWGROUNDS WAS FUNNY WHEN WE WERE ALL 12 LIVING IN THE SUBURBS LISTENING TO LINKIN PARK WATCHING DRAGONBALL Z DRINKING PEPSI WHILE PLAYING HALO CO-OP ON THE EASIEST SETTING DURING WHICH WE CONSUMED DORITOS AND LOOKED AT PAINTBALL GUNS ON EBAY IN INTERNET EXPLORER CONNECTED THROUGH AOL ON A 56K MODEM BEFORE HOPPING INTO OUR BALDING FATHERS' LATEST MIDLIFE-CRISIS-IMPULSE-SPONSORED JAPANESE-BUILT SUV TO HEAD TO THE MALL AND GET MORE SKATEBOARDING SHOES AND THIRD-RATE IRREGULAR LEVIS AND MOUNTAIN BIKE PARTS BEFORE HEADING HOME, VOTING DEMOCRAT AND MASTURBATING TO THE LATEST SEARS CATALOG WHILE HUFFING PAINT IN YOUR GARAGE BEFORE TALKING TO PEDOPHILES ON AIM PRETENDING TO BE WHATEVER CAMWHORE THEY'RE RANTING ABOUT ON MYSPACE WITH A MATRIX QUOTE/ANIME CHARACTER NAME/TRIPLE SIX-ASTERISK-PARENTHESES-SURROUNDED SCREENNAME BEFORE HEADING TO YOUR SUPPOSED "GOOD SCHOOL" IN THE MORNING TO BUY MORE POT TO SMOKE DURING YOUR COUNTER-STRIKE LAN PARTY WITH JIMMY AND THE REST OF HIS FRIENDS TAKING RITALIN AND ADDERALL AND PROZAC EIGHT TIMES A DAY BEFORE TAKING A CASUAL PASS AT LOCAL, STATE OR NATIONAL GOVERNMENTAL FIGURES, LEGISLATURE, OR STRUCTURE TO APPEAR EDGY AND INTELLIGENT IN FRONT OF YOUR BUDWEISER-SNEAKING, LIMP-WRISTED, NEAR-TO-COLUMBINE SOCIOPATHIC "DEEP" FRIENDS WHO PLAY THE VICTIM WHEN THEY START LOSING ARGUMENTS SIX DAYS BEFORE THEIR BOTCHED SUICIDE ATTEMPT SIMPLY BECAUSE SCHOOL TRAMP NUMBER TWELVE WOULDN'T GO UNDER THE BLEACHERS WITH THEM TO LET THEM GET TO SECOND BASE BEFORE THEIR THIRTEENTH BIRTHDAY.

Ophie[edit]

After spending a few minutes here I can easily say that all of are lacking of any wit or intelligence whatsoever. You all believe yourselves to be better than everyone else, and I can tell you right now, that that is not the case in the slightest, you pseudo-intellectuals. I am much better than all of you. Clearly I am because I am neither pretentious, long-winded, asinine, discourteous, nor are my tastes quite as bland as yours. No, I am quite concise, and I would never stretch beyond that of my means or what I am designated to.

I'd have to say that this board is full of anonymous lurkers, attackers, and trolls, who have nothing better to do than throw their elitist opinions around in an attempt at misguided show-boating with people they'd never ever meet.

None of you build any persona or stand by anything remotely attached that I can feel some sort of personal connection to. You lack any sort of direction and I can't have that. You're analogies are far too complicated, linear, and they're rather contradictory. Why, there's never even any variety here!

I give this image board, masquerading as a message board, a 1/10.

Papa Gino's[edit]

Damn you, /b/. I fucking hate you. I've been noticing how you've been fucking with my head, making me see memes everywhere, and now it cost me my job.

I used to work at a pizza joint called Papa Gino's, which is a chain here in New England. Today, two guys came in, and they were very obviously a couple. Never in my life have I seen people this blatantly gay. Now, I'll be the first to admit that I'm a bleeding heart liberal hippie treehugger commie bastard, and I'm even bisexual myself, but DAMN these two were gay. Everything was going fine, right up until I served them their food. Instead of the usual "enjoy your meal" bit that I usually say, /b/ seized control of my brain.

"There you are, guys. Enjoy your AIDS." As soon as that A passed my lips, alarm bells went nuts in my head. But it was too late. I didn't realize what I had just done until I had finished speaking. The two guys just stared at me in shock for a moment, and I went pale. I knew that my days of free pizza and all the Mountain Dew I could drink were over in that one instant.

The two dudes go APESHIT. My manager comes over, and there's screaming about hate crimes, bigotry, lawsuits, and one of them even stood up and threatened to beat the shit out of me. We got into a fight, and my manager got scared, and said you're moving with your auntie and uncle in Bel-Air.

I whistled for a cab, and when it came near, the license plate said "fresh" and there were dice in the mirror. If anything I could say that this cab was rare, but I thought "naw forget it, yo home to Bel-Air!"

I pulled up to the house about seven or eight and I yelled to the cabbie "yo homes smell ya later!" Looked at my kingdom, I was finally there. To settle my throne as the prince of Bel-Air.

Reese's Puffs[edit]

So I met this girl who worked at Starbucks, and I worked up the courage to ask her on a date after a couple of conversations at the register. She was a month older than me but I didn't really care, she was fun to be around. So we took a walk along the beach, and we kissed in the pale moonlight, a full moon, it was really romantic. We started really getting into it, and she slowly unzipped my jeans, she reaches inside and starts kissing her way down my chest, she finally gets all the way down, looks up at me with the most seductive eyes I've ever seen and says "No thanks, I had Reese's for breakfast" and I'm like "No way, you had candy for breakfast?" She replies, "Not candy! Reese's puffs cereal!" So she sliiiiides me a bowl. I crunch into it and WHAM! My mouth goes crazy! That smooth combo of peanut butter and chocolate-y taste attacking my taste buds! She zips my pants back up and says "And it's part of this complete breakfast!"

Shitbutter[edit]

Hello /b/,

I’d say its been 8 or 9 years since the last time I rammed a stick of butter up my ass while jerking off and fingering my asshole. I did it because it felt really good but that’s not the point of this story. I want to tell you of the events proceeding this fateful masturbation.

I’m sitting there watching The Fresh Prince of Bel Air and around 15 minutes go by and I feel a sticky wetness on my ass cheeks and ballsack. This is when I realized that the butter I had shoved up my asshole had melted and leaked out onto my couch and it had a very distinct putrid stench to it. It had mixed with my shit to create something far worse than shit. It was probably the worst thing I’ve smelt in all my life. It actually smelt many times worse than the time I had stuck a pickle up my asshole and forgot about until the morning after.

While standing there taking in this wonderfully putrid smell I realize that I cannot be the only one to smell this. So I walked quickly upstairs with my ass cheeks clenched not wanting to spill a drop of my shit butter. I pull out from my sock drawer a heavy woolen sock and unload the contents of my asshole into it. I thought the smell was bad before. I now had the urge to do a barrel roll out my window to escape the horrid odor. I quickly tied the top of the sock and left my house.

As I walked down the street a brownish-yellow liquid slowly dripped from the bottom of the sock. The neighborhood kids became very curious as to what was going on and as they approached they caught a whiff of the putrid smell emanating from the sock. This is when Joanna, my neighbors 13 year old daughter vomited what looked like a freshly eaten peanut butter and jelly sandwich all over the street. I nearly came in my pants at that moment. I had the sickest hard on. In fact the only thing keeping me from raping Joanna while she lay in a pool of her own vomit was my sock full of shit butter. I knew I had something to do and I was damn sure going to do it. I kept walking.

I finally made it to my local grocery store. An epic journey it had been. Every asshole in the vicinity could smell the putrid odor but nobody knew where it came from. I can still hear them in my mind. “What the fuck is that smell.” “This smell is so bad I think I am going to kill myself with a hammer” one man said. I even saw a fellow depraved maniac in the corner of my eye. I could tell because he had the same smile that I did. He was laughing with the same glee. I’m sure he’s raped a severely mentally challenged child in his lifetime. I know I have.

That’s when I saw him. The old nigger who sat in front of shoprite saying hello to every asshole strolling by. I fucking hated this man. I couldn’t tell you why. I just hated him. He could smell my shit butter. I could tell because he was gasping for air. I quickly approached him thinking “this will be the greatest day of my life. Nothing could stop me now.” This is when I felt a sudden burst. I realized later that I had shot a load off in my pants right at that moment.

I was arms length from the nigger now. I clenched the sock tight with both hands and swung it at the niggers face with all my might. I hit him in the cheek with such force that the brownish-liquid had sprayed out all over his face. He immediately threw up. I sat back laughing as he washed out his eyes with bottled water. He asked “why?” and I responded by dumping the rest of the socks contents on his head. Truly, I did it for the lulz.

While everybody was distracted I walked into shoprite and quickly shoved as many apples as I could up my ass. It was 4. I left shoprite with the most satisfaction I have ever felt in my life. I remember thinking “wow, I’m such a great person, I get 4 free apples, and I get to go home and jerk off to CP.”

When I think back on that day, I can always remember how sweet those apples tasted. Nothing sweeter.


Super Mario 3 sucks a fucking cock[edit]

This game is shit, plain and simple.

Oh, let's all get the warp whistle and warp to "big world"! Too bad big world isn't fucking fun, like the rest of this game. The entire thing is designed to anger and frustrate you. Oh, you get Kuribo's shoe on one fucking level! Wow, pardon me while I make the universal motion for a handjob. Kuribo's shoe fucking sucked. What did it do, exactly? It let you JUMP ON THINGS, something you were able to do the entire fucking game. Oh, also you looked gay.

There are some interesting power-ups in the game, such as Tanookie Mario, Hammer Mario, and Frog Mario. But guess what? You can get them on like 2 levels total, and if you fuck up and get hit ONCE, you lose them, FOREVER. Wow, that's fun! I love games that demand I play perfectly or have no fun, because I'm a fucking jap who strives for absolute perfection in gaming otherwise I kill myself.

Mario 3 may have been interesting or fun at one time, but the game is a worthless piece of shit in today's day and age. It's horribly flawed and full of punch-in-the-dick moments, much more so than it has moments that are just fun to play.

Terminator[edit]

I have a ritual called "terminator". I crouch in the shower in the "naked terminator" pose. With eyes closed I crouch for a minute and visualize either Arnie or the guy from the 2nd movie. I then start to hum the T2 theme. Slowly I rise to a standing position and open my eyes. It helps me get through my day. The only problem is if the shower curtain sticks to my terminator leg. It sorta ruins the fantasy.

The Legend of 4chan[edit]

Legend has it that if you travel east to Japan, you will find an old man living on the coast just 40 miles south of Tokyo. If you give this man $500,000 he will take you to an island just off the coast that can't be found on any map. This island is filled with people without faces or names, who hold grudges over the most trivial of matters. When you arrive at this island the first thing you will see is a swimming pool that is never open. Just beyond the pool you will find a town that is filled with cats. You must find a white cat wearing a pink bow. If you ask the cat how to get to Mexico, he will stand up and ask you for three things: Your name, your face, and your soul. If you agree to give them to him, your face will vanish and you will forget your own name. You can live on the island and have whatever you desire, but you can never leave the island. The only way to escape is to find the cat again and ask for a young child. The next day a van will pull up in front your house. You will hear a knock at the door, and a voice will ask if you want to come to a party. No one knows what happens if you answer the door.

Serious Thread[edit]

When I was younger, my best friend went out with the love of my life. I was 11. And that experience ruined me emotionally. Even though I didn't give any hints to either of them about my real feelings, and that those feelings only really surfaced after they started going out, I still felt profoundly betrayed.

Because of my "best friend" fucking me over I don't feel comfortable opening myself up and extending my emotions.

In the past couple of years I have attempted relationships. I really have. But it hurts so bad when I see the same thing happen all over again...my newer best friend gets buddy buddy with the girl I love and I am blocked out of her life. She gets other boyfriends and I try to show her how much I love her. I really fucking tried. That guy was no good...I was trying to help when I brought that knife. He deserved a good stabbing. Not that he got one...I just wanted to look manly in front of her.

I pretty much gave up on her - let's call her "J" - a few months ago, and have since moved onto her friend. I think she's different...she actually sees past my semi-autistic features to my personality. I even went to the school ball with her. She kinda ignored me the whole night and flinched every time I tried to dance with her or speak to her, but it still shows progress right? Let's call *her* "K".

Some inferior woman-thing tried seducing me. She tried to distract me from my real love. We dated for a couple weeks, kinda, but only because I was so messed up at the time and didn't know what I really wanted. I broke up with her though because I can't really handle anything right now. My life is pretty intense at the moment. Maybe things will get better when I move to the city.

Wiimote Threesome[edit]

Sup /b/, So I know what you're thinking, moar copypasta right? Nope, this really happened to me, like 30 minutes ago. So my parents are out of town for the weekend, and I figure I'll just stay up getting high and fapping. Later in the afternoon, I'm a little blazed and the doorbell rings. I figure the neighbor kid lost another ball over our fence, so I answer it. Turns out it's a couple girls I go to school with, they're both stone cold foxes. I tried asking one of them out the previous year, but it kind fell through. They say that they were bored and decided to drive over and say hi since they knew my parents were out of town. I'm still pretty stoned at this point, so I just kinda mumble and invite them in. I ask them what they want to do, then, since I've got these two hot chicks alone with me at my house, I try to act funny and say, "You two wanna come downstairs and play with my Wii?" It was funny to me at the time, but for some reason they just looked at each other and giggled. So we went downstairs and I started up Wii Sports, since it's easy to play.

I sit down on the couch and they both take a seat on either side of me. I hand them each a remote and instead of standing up to play, they snuggle up to me. I start em out on Tennis, and we're all sitting there laughing at their attempts to play. One thing that really get them is how the Wiimote vibrates when they hit the ball. After a few games one of them says that she can smell pot, and asks if I've got anymore. Imagine my luck, two hot girls wanna get high with me alone in my house. So we all take a few hits, and they're laughing harder than ever. We keep playing for a while, trying out different games, until one of them presses the Wiimote to her nipple as it vibrates. She does a real fake pornstar moan and laughs, but I can see her nipple standing out through the shirt. Right now, my dick is rock hard and almost poking out through my pants

I take the Wiimote and laughing with them say, "Watch" as I put it over my crotch and it vibrates. They think this is hilarious, but I can see that they've noticed my boner. One of them takes the Wiimote from me and does than same, except she's practically jamming the Wiimote into herself through her pants. So here I am, sitting in my basement while these two girls are practically fucking each other with my Wiimotes. I'm thinking, wow, how much better can this get?

Then the one on my right takes off her pants. She's not laughing, just smiling and saying "This thing is almost as good as what I use at home." My mouth is hanging open, and the other girl is just laughing and watching. We're in Tennis mode and she starts rubbing herself, moaning each time the remote vibrates.

Now the other girl takes my Wiimote and does the same, taking off her pants. This time, though, she goes right for it and jams the whole thing in herself. Without even thinking, I'm rubbing myself in my pants, almost ready to come. The first girl looks over at me and says, "What? Are you getting jealous?" With a smile she puts down the Wiimote and leans over, she takes off my jeans and my erection pops out through my boxers. She kneels in front of me, while the other girl starts kissing at my face. I was surprised I hadn't come already, I guess it was the weed slowing down my physical functions. All I see is her smiling face inching down to my rigid cock mouth agape, the other one is watching too, rubbing herself while she jams her tongue into my open mouth.

I feel her warm, moist mouth envelop my cock. I can tell she’s having trouble getting it all in, but the feeling is amazing. Slowly she works my cock in her mouth, wrapping her tongue around the head, licking it as he work in and out. The other girl pries herself away from my mouth long enough to grab the Wiimote and come up behind the brown haired girl, eagerly sucking away at my penis. She leans over and starts working the Wiimote in and out of her friends vagina, now dripping with fluid. She starts moaning while sucking my cock, imagine this sound, mouth full of my member and moaning loudly. I can feel myself reaching orgasm, I try to tell her, but my mouth won’t move, I’m lost in the heavenly sensation of her tongue and mouth. She pulls off just as I start to come and says, "Mmm, are you almost done? My mouth is getting-" She never finishes, I cum loads into her face, she gasps in surprise and more shoots into her mouth. She laughs and smiles, her friend still working the Wiimote in and out of her pussy, she licks the semen off her face as more spills out into her cleavage. Her friend pauses for a moment, just long enough to come around and lick the jizz of her breasts.

We fooled around for a bit longer after than, and eventually I showed them both how good I was at Wii Sports . . . among other things.

I know who you are[edit]

Anonymous,

I know who you are. You're almost invariably male, Caucasian, middle-class. Your parents were normal, vanilla folks. Maybe you had a sibling or two.

You went to a public school, pulling high or middlish grades with ease and relative disinterest. You didn't really gel with most of the other kids; you found them boring, they found you weird. Your contempt for the average person grew with your age, never seizing control like in some emo dipshit, but simmering casually in the back of your head. When some asshole who could barely read got hurt, you probably laughed. When some stuck-up skank got herpes, you probably smiled. Chances are you got on well enough with your teachers; you weren't a preening asshole like many of your peers, at least showed vague interest in learning, and perhaps the teacher sensed and picked up on your general contempt for others in your classes. This trend no doubt continued into college, if you had the motivation to bother.

It's a bit of an exaggeration to say you hate women: you don't, after all, enjoy the socializing game. You're probably no Don Juan, either. You long ago began to think of women as disappointingly petty, but you still hope to encounter someone interesting at some time or another.

You enjoy being anonymous because it is a release from the normal world: no anonymous has an identity, no anonymous is a preening faggot. Anonymous realizes he is just a guy fucking around on the internet. Anonymous knows others of his kind enjoy this fact, too. You despise the furfag, the gaiafag, the internet tuff guy for one simple reason: he acts like the internet is the real world, a place where actions should have social consequences and where there needs to be a pecking order. Needless to say, you do not approve.

/b/'s Present[edit]

Hey /b/,

Here's a present!

All do Phonesex. Most are also NewFags And/Or Asks for it from /b/

478-232-4484

423-878-2942

903-819-1636

808-388-0068

972-978-1063

972-249-8314

214-507-6391

469-274-8930

214-725-0040

214-926-1686

714-383-1602

903-818-5333

903-819-1416

972-822-8098

972-262-2424

214-908-7986

214-507-6391

682-533-5899

940-782-9683

828-361-9677

703-895-8621

703-330-9780

903-818-5333

860-301-0012

AMERICA IS PIG and variations[edit]

I'M KOREAN[edit]

SON OF A BITCH AMERICAN

AMERICAN IS PIG

DO YOU WANT A HAMBURGER?

DO YOU WANT A PIZZA?

AMERICAN IS PIG DISGUSTING

GEORGE WALKER BUSH IS A MURDERER

FUCKING U.S.A


I'M ALBANIAN[edit]

SON OF A BITCH SERB

SERB IS PIG

DO YOU WANT A CEVAPCICI?

DO YOU WANT A PODVARAK?

SERB IS PIG DISGUSTING

SLOBODAN MILOSEVIC IS A MURDERER

FUCKING SERBIA

I'M SERBIAN[edit]

SON OF A BITCH ALBANIAN

ALBANIAN IS PIG

DO YOU WANT A SHOPSKA?

DO YOU WANT A SKENDERBEG?

ALBANIAN IS PIG DISGUSTING

FATMIR SEJDIU IS A MURDERER

FUCKING KOSOVA

I'M GERMAN[edit]

SON OF A BITCH POLE

POLE IS PIG

DO YOU WANT A PIEROGI?

DO YOU WANT A KIELBASA?

POLE IS PIG DISGUSTING

LECH KACZYŃSKI IS A MURDERER

FUCKING POLAND

I'M POLISH[edit]

SON OF A BITCH GERMAN

GERMAN IS PIG

DO YOU WANT A SAUERKRAUT?

DO YOU WANT A PUMPERNICKEL?

GERMAN IS PIG DISGUSTING

HORST KÖHLER IS A MURDERER

FUCKING GERMANY

I'M NORTHERN[edit]

SON OF A BITCH SECESSIONIST

SOUTHERN IS PIG

DO YOU WANT A VIRGINIA HAM?

DO YOU WANT A CORN GRITS?

SOUTHERN IS PIG DISGUSTING

JEFFERSON FINIS DAVIS IS A MURDERER

FUCKING C.S.A


I'M SOUTHERN[edit]

SON OF A BITCH FEDERALIST

YANKEE IS PIG

DO YOU WANT A FREE NIGGER?

DO YOU WANT A UNIFIED REPUBLIC?

YANKEE IS PIG DISGUSTING

ABRAHAM LINCOLN IS A MURDERER

FUCKING U.S.A

I'M NINJA[edit]

SON OF A BITCH PIRATE

PIRATE IS PIG

DO YOU WANT A TREASURE?

DO YOU WANT A RUM?

PIRATE IS PIG DISGUSTING

ED TEACH IS A MURDERER

FUCKING PIRATES

I'M TERRAN[edit]

SON OF BITCH ALIENS

DO YOU WANT ZERG RUSH?

DO YOU WANT KEKEKEKEKE?

ZERG IS PIG DISGUSTING

THE OVERMIND IS A MURDERER

FUCKING STARCRAFT FAGS

I'M DOWN SYNDROME[edit]

SON OF A BITCH SMART PEOPLE

SMART PEOPLE IS PIG

DO YOU WANT A HIGH IQ?

DO YOU WANT A SOCIAL SKILLS?

SMART PEOPLE IS PIG DISGUSTING

EINSTEIN IS A MURDERER

FUCKING MENSA

I'M C++[edit]

SON OF A BITCH JAVA

JAVA IS PIG

DO YOU WANT OBJECT ORIENTED?

DO YOU WANT SHORT CIRCUIT?

JAVA IS PIG DISGUSTING

SUN MICROSYSTEMS IS A MURDERER

FUCKING JAVA

I'M PAINT SHOP[edit]

SON OF A BITCH PHOTOSHOP

PHOTOSHOP IS PIG

DO YOU WANT A LENS FLARE?

DO YOU WANT A SELECTIVE COLOR?

PHOTOSHOP IS PIG DISGUSTING

THOMAS KNOLL IS A MURDERER

FUCKING CS3

I'M NAZI[edit]

I'M NAZI

SON OF A BITCH BOLSHEVIK

BOLSHEVIK IS PIG

DO YOU WANT SCORCHED EARTH POLICY?

DO YOU WANT SOME BLITZKRIEG?

BOLSHEVIK IS PIG DISGUSTING

LENIN IS A MURDERER

FUCKING BOLSHEVIK

I'M BOLSHEVIK[edit]

I'M BOLSHEVIK

SON OF A BITCH TSAR

TSAR IS PIG

DO YOU WANT A DISSOLUTION OF THE DUMA?

DO YOU WANT A WAR WITH JAPAN?

TSAR IS PIG DISGUSTING

NICHOLAS II IS A MURDERER

FUCKING TSAR

Black Guy Rant[edit]

We were talking about this with a friend earlier: WHY ARE WHITE PEOPLE SO ANGRY AT BLACKS?

and we came up with this answer: they're jealous!

Let's see why:

  • 1) We got awesome resistance against the sun. Enjoy being burned.
  • 2) We are more fit, we can outrun any white male anytime. even CHUCK NORIS?!?
  • 3) We got bigger dicks.
  • 4) Girls dig us better.
  • 5) We have very wide social circles. White people have forgot how to live in society.
  • 6) We got rhythm. We can dance, rap, sing, make music, you name it!
  • 7) A black chick wouldn't date a white boy. On the other hand, white girls would drop their white boyfriend anytime for a black guy if given the chance.
  • 8) We're simply cooler. Admit it, maybe it wasn't the case some 200 years ago, but nowadays being white sucks whereas being black is cool as hell.
  • 9) We got a sense of what family is about.
  • 10) We get MANY children so that our genes will last long on this motherfucking earth, not like your average pathetic two children.
  • 11) If you don't die a virgin, and happen to get a daughter...chances are she'll be sucking and swallowing black dicks :)

I could be going on and on and on but you get the point by now.

Enjoy being white, sucker :)

Fucking Wal-Mart[edit]

There is not a SINGLE competent individual employed within a 20-mile radius of my place of business. I am surrounded ENTIRELY by idiots and social rejects. I understand that I work in what is essentially Houston's armpit, but Jesus fucking CHRIST, everyone I see is nothing more than a pathetic waste of the nasty-ass body they inhabit.

It was my lunch hour. I needed Scotchgard. I went to the Wal-Mart down the road to procure some. Little did I know that this would become a battle with my own sanity before I left. Now, I can't say that I've been shopping for Scotchgard in recent memory, so I wasn't exactly sure where to find it. My best guess placed me in the aisle with all of the household cleaning supplies. No go. So I went an aisle over to find some immigrant worker stocking paper towels. Clearly, this guy would know where to find the Scotchgard. Or, at least, that's what I thought at first.

"Excuse me, Sir? I'm looking for Scotchgard," I say.

The man looks up from his work, standing up to a good three and a half feet tall. Apparently, this particular Wal-Mart was looking to meet its Oompa Loompa quota. "Scotchgard?" he asks?

"Yeah, Scotchgard."

He stares at me blankly for a few seconds. "Spray?" he confusedly replies.

Oh, Jesus. This was a mistake. "Yes, it's a spray."

So, Oompy Boy takes me back to the aisle I was just in, points into it, and declares "Spray." Then, he walks off. And so we have strike one. I set off again to locate somebody that both worked there AND spoke English, a task that would prove nigh-impossible. I eventually run into this old lady dragging a cart of boxes around. I ask her where the Scotchgard is. She replies that it's either in the aisle I was just in, or in the aisle with the carpet cleaners. Well, I was just in the aisle I was just in, and couldn't find the Scotchgard even with the assistance of a little orange man. I relayed this information to the lady.

She took me back to the aisle I was just in, anyways. I hate people.

As soon as the lady realized that there was not, in fact, any Scotchgard in this aisle, I was pointed in the direction of carpet cleaners about halfway across the store. I embarked on my journey at once. I soon arrived, but alas, no Scotchgard. The carpet cleaners section contained, amazingly enough, only carpet cleaners. Apparently not having suffered enough from my previous two encounters, I again set out to seek the assistance of a salesperson. Each attempt proved increasingly difficult, as salespeople at this particular Wal-Mart were about as elusive as naked women at the Neverland Ranch. I had made it all the way to pool supplies before I managed to catch up to one unable to scurry away from me before I could plead for help, possibly because her fat ass seemed to weigh in excess of a metric ton. I ask her where I can find some Scotchgard.

"Scotchgard?" she asks.

Oh, Jesus. Here we go again. "Yeah, Scotchgard."

"Check the cleaning supplies aisle over in groceries," she suggests.

Yeah, that wasn't going to fly. I politely inform her that her suggested avenue had already been explored, and that she had best provide a more suitable answer before I buried my foot deep inside of her size-52 ass.

"Umm... hardware?" she says. This was not a more suitable answer. My reply, though nonverbal, seemed to convey my feelings on the subject. Long live the power of the facepalm!

So, Tubby walks me over to another sales assistant, who she then proceeds to ask, "Yo Quiero Scotchgard?"

The other associate turns to look at her and then, in perfect English, replies, "what's Scotchgard?"

Oh, God. Butterball spent a few seconds trying to explain it to her before finally turning to me and again pointing me in the direction of hardware. Eager to be away from the hungry clutches of a hideous beast likely to eat me at her next feeding time, I left for hardware.

Upon entering hardware, I encounter a Hispanic lady that strongly resembled Nikki Sixx of Motley Crue, only with more tattoos and considerably less attractive. I asked her where I may procure so Scotchgard and was pointed towards automotives. Fine. Automotives sounded like a better idea than hardware, so I went to go check it out. Alas, still no Scotchgard. So, I head back to the hardware whore and demand that I be shown to the Scotchgard in automotive. She complies, and I back off to automotives with the bassist from Motley Crue in tow. She searches for a little while, but is unable to find the object of my desire. Another sales rep, who was apparently lord and master of the automotive section appeared and was flagged down for help by the bitch from hardware. After presented with the situation, the Queen of Automotive Land formally declared that Scotchgard had been discontinued.

Right. Scotchgard has been discontinued. And I'm the king of fucking Spain.

The Automotive Mistress begins a long speech about how unpopular products are discontinued after awhile and I will have nothing of it. I cut her off and ask if they have any of a product just like Scotchgard. I am taken and dragged deep into the bowels of automotives in search of this mysterious substitute. Automotives Whore points me towards some leather polish. Way to go. I take this moment to explain two things to her. First, leather polish is not Scotchgard, nor is it an acceptable substitute, nor is it even the same product. Secondly, the product on the shelf directly underneath what she had pointed me to was, in fact, Scotchgard. I then claim my prize with a satisfied grin upon my face.

"Well, that's not the same kind," the Queen of automotives declared in an apparent attempt to save face.

Not the same kind? What the hell? It's fucking Scotchgard! Granted, it's Scotchgard for autos, but all that means is that the picture on the front of the can is a car seat instead of a sofa. Apparently, this was too much for my friend to handle. I removed myself from her presence in disgust. On the way back to the register, I decided to stop and get some KY Jelly. Even though I buy it frequently at Wal-Mart (I use it a lot), I had some difficulty locating it at this particular store. I did not, however, at any point stoop to asking salespeople for help finding it. Given my past experience, I probably would have been led to either maple syrup or tampons (which, coincidentally, were right next to the KY). On that note, Wal-Mart cashiers give you some WEIRD looks when you buy two tubes of KY and a can of Scotchgard.

Another Black Guy Rant[edit]

whyte ppl i hate u cuz

  • 1. u all racist
  • 2. u pale as hell
  • 3. u fuckin stupid
  • 4. u stereotype niggas cuz u all dumb
  • 5. ur fat
  • 6. u look like marshmallows
  • 7. u look like gluesticks
  • 8. u close minded
  • 9. u jus straight up bitch
  • 10. u make me sick
  • 11. u all like fishin for sum reason
  • 12. u all have dogs
  • 13. u think u a good race when u ain't even human
  • 14.u look ugly as hell
  • 15.u a disgrace
  • 16. u think u know bout niggas so much when u don't
  • 17. u all got faggot ass voices
  • 18. u speak like British ppl
  • 19. u all gay
  • 20. u have no place in hiphop so u shud stop listenin to it

What[edit]

This is what's great about getting old. I'll read this, forget all of the information and go see the movie. I will enjoy it, half way through the movie I'll forget what the plot is, get confused and go to the parking lot and try to find my car by holding my keys over my head and pushing the panic button until my alarm goes off. Which will scare the shit out of me, and I will think it is a cop, because I already have one arm up. I bring the other hand up and get on the ground, hands behind my back. Then I will fall asleep. The next morning I will find my car, a mere three feet away. I get inside and discover the battery has somehow died, so I call a tow company. After an hour, for some reason, a tow truck shows up and a black man starts running toward my car. He's screaming, so I lock the windows and hide in the back seat. I never realize that I've set myself on fire from the cigarette I forgot that I'd lit twenty minutes ago. I become an hero. This thread is great. My name is George, are there rules on this internet page?

Throats Slit[edit]

You've got to help me, /b/. I've done something horrible.

I caught my girlfriend cheating with my best friend. When I saw them together, I got so furious, I slit their throats with my pocketknife. Then, I buried the two bodies and my mom got scared

And said, "You're movin' with your auntie and uncle in Bel-Air."

I whistled for a cab and when it came near The license plate said fresh and it had dice in the mirror If anything I could say that this cab was rare But I thought, "Nah, forget it. Yo home to Bel-Air!"

I pulled up to the house about 7 or 8 And I yelled to the cabby yo holmes smell ya later Looked at my kingdom I was finally there To sit on my throne as the prince of Bel-Air.

Syrup[edit]

Hey /b/ , I was drinking my coffee just now when when my friend and his brother who made said coffee bursts into the room laughing. They threw a bottle on my lap and ran away. This JUST happened

What is syrup of ipicuc?

Should I go to the hospital?

Fox News Cyanide Plot[edit]

at 9:45am on the morning of November 15th, 2007, at Fox News's headquarters in New York City, there will be a brief power outage, then everything will appear to return to normal. i will have used the outage, however, to sneak myself and 4 2L bottles of potassium cyanide and a container with .5L of concentrated sulfuric acid. i will walk into the main lobby and scream "YOU PEOPLE SPEAK LIES TO THE WORLD" as i combine the two deadly ingredients and release a noxious gas that will poison everyone in the lobby. people will shriek in horror, children will cry for their lives, my mom will get scared and say "You're movin' with your auntie and uncle in Bel-Air." I whistled for a cab and when it came near The license plate said fresh and it had dice in the mirror If anything I could say that this cab was rare But I thought, "Nah, forget it. Yo home to Bel-Air!" I pulled up to the house about 7 or 8 And I yelled to the cabby yo holmes smell ya later Looked at my kingdom I was finally there To sit on my throne as the prince of Bel-Air.

I own this boat[edit]

I can't believe you fucking morons waste your life here. Listen, this is your LIFE. You need to be living with real human beings. You need to go find a girlfriend and spend time with her. You need to find happiness. Happiness is not in your online games or crappy manga books, it is in other people.

Do you really want to be 40 years old and look back to your 18-25 years and realize you pissed them away in fits of loneliness playing RPGs and crying yourself to sleep? I know most, if not all of you, had no real childhood or high school experiences because you were too busy being antisocial losers. Change that, now. How much greater would your life be now had you worked up the courage to talk to that one girl and go to the prom with her? Wouldn't high school have been amazing if you actually went out with friends on the weekend and saw movies? This is why you people love anime so much, because it portrays these perfect people going through high school living the lives YOU wish you could have lived back then.

Stop wasting your time on the Internet. Look outside and see the trees and the sun. Please. There is a world out there. There are interesting people all over. Why do you want to throw away what is left of your life playing fictional RPGs when real life is one big RPG with real consequences and relationships?

Are you just afraid? I mean, look at me, I own this boat.

See Also[edit]