Copypasta/Archive 3

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Archive 3[edit]

M&M Duel[edit]

Whenever I get a package of plain M&Ms, I make it my duty to continue the strength and robustness of the candy as a species. To this end, I hold M&M duels.

Taking two candies between my thumb and forefinger, I apply pressure, squeezing them together until one of them breaks and splinters. That is the "loser," and I eat the inferior one immediately. The winner gets to go another round.

I have found that, in general, the brown and red M&Ms are tougher, and the newer blue ones are genetically inferior. I have hypothesized that the blue M&Ms as a race cannot survive long in the intense theater of competition that is the modern candy and snack-food world.

Occasionally I will get a mutation, a candy that is misshapen, or pointier, or flatter than the rest. Almost invariably this proves to be a weakness, but on very rare occasions it gives the candy extra strength. In this way, the species continues to adapt to its environment.

When I reach the end of the pack, I am left with one M&M, the strongest of the herd. Since it would make no sense to eat this one as well, I pack it neatly in an envelope and send it to M&M Mars, A Division of Mars, Inc., Hackettstown, NJ 07840-1503 U.S.A., along with a 3x5 card reading, "Please use this M&M for breeding purposes."

This week they wrote back to thank me, and sent me a coupon for a free 1/2 pound bag of plain M&Ms. I consider this "grant money." I have set aside the weekend for a grand tournament. From a field of hundreds, we will discover the True Champion.

There can be only one.

Crying in Canteen[edit]

Something horrible happened to me today.

This girl that I liked walked up to me during lunch break, along with her friends following her. I was very nervous already -like I always am with girls- and could tell from the heat on my face I was heavily blushing, which made me even more nervous. To add to that, her friends were laughing behind her shoulders, so I smelled something fishy right away.

The worst thing that has ever happened to me then occurred. Never in my life have I felt so miserable. She looked at me with a grin on her face, and told me that first off she never liked me, and was just playing with me for a laugh. Then, she added that I was ugly and that no one would ever want to be with someone like me. Behind her, her friends were laughing and capturing the whole scene with their camera phones (so yeah, it was probably planned from the start, all to have a big laugh at me)

I didn't even know how to react, so many people were around and looking at me that I just felt I was going to fall unconscious. I walked out of there mechanically -I was barely able to think- as quickly as I could with tears I was hardly keeping and went to the bathroom to CRY. I hadn't cried for years and there I was, in the fucking canteen's bathroom crying.

I'm a fucking loser and I hate myself SO FUCKING BAD. I hate girls and I hate humans. They rob you of every single piece of self-esteem you have for their own self-enjoyment. How the fuck am I supposed to go on with life when people are so horrible?

FUCK


Concerned Mom on /b/[edit]

"Soup b" is I think the greeting here, excuse me I just have not understood much of the phrases used here. My son has been excluded from his school after being accused of sending mass e-mails to most of his schoolmates and faculty containing inappropriate and offensive pictures. He has since claimed that he found the pictures on a website named 4chan's Random Picturing Board. He hasn't admitted to me what he is doing on this website, only stating that he enjoys "the lull's". This website is on my son's AOL history and after visiting it myself I am extremely concerned. I think I understand what it's all about and I see that you're all friends posting pictures and discussing them in humorous ways, your typical teenage tomfoolery and I don't deny that I once took part in some of the more lewd conversations I've seen on this Random 4chan web-site. However, more concerning was the repetition of gay themes, and a cult-like worshiping of a certain Bill Kualitz. Also the frequent mention of a pool being closed due to AIDS, as I have heard my son say once before I knew he was what he calls a "betard", is this some sort of code word? So I think I'm right in saying most of this Random Board users are members of the Gay, Trans. and Bi community? Does the lull's refer to anal sex?

My son will not admit anything to me, so I'm going to find out here for myself from the rest of you. Should I be concerned about my son's sexuality and especially his health?

Thank you very much for any information you can provide, and any advise as to how to help my son. I have nothing but respect for the GLTB community.


VTec, Finnish Style[edit]

People make me laugh. This guy was bullied, being laughed at, pointed at, etc. People didn't give one fuck then. They didn't care that they made him suffer, that his self-esteem took a hit every time they mocked him. "Who cares? He's here for our entertainment! He's the Finnish guy to make fun of!"

But now that he gets back at them, "he's the bad guy!" People cry over their lost ones, but WOULD HAVE THEY CRIED if he committed suicide because of what society did to him? PEOPLE KNOW that when they bully someone it has a powerful, dangerous effect on the bullied. Yet, they don't care. Their entertainment comes first, of course.

Well guess what, the roles are now switched. Now it's their turn to fucking suffer. FUCK THE MEDIA, he IS the true victim. Stop making him look like a monster! This guy earned the right to such actions. I stand by his side 100% and pray his soul rest in peace


AC Slatering[edit]

Guys this is probably the most embarrassing thing that has ever happened to me. I was at my girlfriends house tonight for dinner, and shortly after i had to go #2. My Gf's brother was in the downstairs bathroom, so i went upstairs to use the master bathroom. I was about to take a dump, and I remembered something my friend told me called AC Slatering. AC Slatering is when you take a dump facing backwards on the toilet, just how on saved by the bell AC Slater always sat backwards on a chair. So when I was taking a dump, My stomach was facing the back of the toilet, and my back was facing the door. I heard footsteps coming up the stairs, and began to get nervous. Since AC SLatering is a tough position to get into, it requires taking off your pants. So there I am sitting in my GF's parents bathroom taking a dump with my pants off and facing the wrong way on the toilet. My dump was about halfway out when the footsteps became closer. I then turned around to see that I had not locked the door. Trying to finish as quickly as I could, I began pushing harder and harder. Suddenly, the door opened, and my gf's mom stood there in shock staring at me. We made eye contact for a split second, and I was so embarrassed I wanted to die. I quickly finished up, got dressed, and ran out of the house as quickly as I could. I am expecting my gf to break up with me tomorrow. I am so embarrassed and I hope my gf doesn't blabber about this, Ill die if anyone else finds out.


Childhood Sex[edit]

Some 19-year-old guy came over to my house a few times. He lived across the street, though I can't remember what his (alleged) intentions were in coming over. I couldn't tell what kind of race he was - part-Mexican, part-black, some kind of brown - but I remember him being fairly tall with one of those shitty half-assed mustaches those types of guys grow. You know, the kind where it's somewhere between ratty stray hairs and a full, well-groomed mass of hair.

Anyways, the only real memory I have of this guy was my grandpa walking in on him in my room with his jeans down to his ankles and the back of my head blocking the view of his genitals. All I heard was my grandpa's authoritative yet perplexed voice say, "What's going on in here?" The guy was stunned into silence, and I, for whatever reason, cheerily explained to my grandpa that he was teaching me how to zip up my jeans. And somehow he bought it.

That's where I received and gave my first blowjob. I didn't see the guy at my house anymore after that. I saw him on the street a short while later, and I waved and said hello, but he didn't respond. After that, I didn't see him ever again. I found out later that he was a registered child molester. I was four.

Cut to my next memory. I'm in preschool. It's recess, and I go play with a girl I'd befriended. What did we play? Why, house, of course. What girl doesn't want to play house? I could've played with the other kids, but I had other plans.

We sat down in the little play house, and she's blathering on about some pretend nonsense. I mention something about peepees. I ask her if she has one. She says no. I ask her if she's seen one. She says no. I ask her if she wants to. She's interested. I pull down the front of my pants and expose my PENIS. She giggles, saying something like, "that's weird."

"What are you doing?" Some kid must've heard the conversation and now he's interested. I yell at him to go away, that this is private, and he's not allowed in. He gets butthurt and runs off. I think I'm in the clear.

"Can I see yours?" I ask the girl. She responds, "But I don't have one!" She pulls down the front of her pants to show me. Just as that happens, I hear, "What's going on in here?!" Oh shit, it's the fucking teacher. Just my luck, too, that she's a woman. She goes on a tirade and I can't quite slip my way out of this one.

I get kicked out of preschool. My mom denies the whole thing, deeming the incident ridiculous. The girl got to stay in. I saw her a year or two later outside the preschool. We waved. I never saw her again after that. I was five.

Moving forward to kindergarten. I was increasingly having trouble containing my sexual urges. I began popping boners left and right, yet I didn't understand the mechanics of "getting off" at that point, so there was nothing I could do about them, other than reach down my pants and "adjust." That got me a lot of dirty looks. However, I soon found a way around this.

Second grade. The teacher is giving this long, boring lecture, and I doze off, daydreaming about things that got me hard. Sure enough, I got hard. This time, however, I decided to do something about it. I began rubbing my dick against my inner thigh from the outside of my pants, and it felt amazing. I was detached from the world in an overwhelming feeling of ecstasy. The feeling built and built and built until I ejaculated, though nothing came out.

To my surprise, I realized I had been staring at a girl with a fat face the whole time, and she had been looking at me the whole time. She must've wondered why I was staring at her, trying to figure out what I was doing, but she couldn't see under the desk...that is, until she leaned over and saw where my hands were. She made a disgusted face, and I then realized how ugly she was. I don't blame her for that, though; I can only imagine the faces I was making.

This was when I figured out how to cum; I'm sure many of you have funny stories about this momentous event as well. Though it was quite a great feeling, looking at pigface didn't give me much satisfaction. And since I didn't get too far with girls, I decided to go into familiar territory: boys.

Thus, my best friend became "more than friends." We would often slip away to the bathroom together and take turns performing fellatio on each other. One time some kid came in and we pretended like we were peeing, then went right back to it afterwords. That made it more fun and exciting. No one suspected a thing.

I'm actually quite regretful of this, in retrospect. Chances are that this kid is pretty fucked up and is struggling with his sexuality. That's a heavy weight on your shoulders as a kid. I'd like to reach out and apologize to the guy, but I doubt I ever will for fear of what he may do or say to me. It's like, how would you approach the guy whose life you alone fucked up? What would you say to him? And it's not like there could be justice in punishment or something; I didn't know what I was doing to the fullest extent, so there's this sort-of existential paradox of no one place to put the blame and anger and regret. But I guess that's happened to a lot of people under similar circumstances, so there's this feeling of sympathy and coming together that makes it better to deal with somehow. That or tortured solitude on the internet. But I digress.

Those events happened on-and-off from kindergarten to second grade, until I moved. I began to slowly realize the evils that I had done, so I did what any normal American would do: I ate. I ate so much that my doctor would later make a joke about me breaking into the local Krispy Kreme shop and eating all their doughnuts - right to my face. And it wasn't even funny. That made me eat more. So much for reverse psychology. Prick.

I should probably mention that it was at this time that I was introduced to pornography for the first time. I was ten. And it was awesome.

Anyways, now that I was Tubby McChubbems, I had a hard time finding friends; that is, until some neighbors forced their kids to play with me. Thus, I stumbled upon my next victims. Nothing really fancy happened, as I had tried to curb my sexual appetite ever since realizing my evil ways. I eventually gave in and played grab-cock with three various boys, but that's as far as it went. I moved again, and went through the whole process again of re-questioning my values and so forth. I finally came to the conclusion that I wouldn't initiate the acts anymore. But this time, a strange thing happened; instead of me instigating the sexual encounters, they were instigated upon me by two other boys at two different times.

The first guy invited me over to his house and we started looking at porn on his computer. It was one of those shitty free websites where they let you watch a 2 minute video for free once each day, and we figured out how to watch more videos by changing the date in windows (woohoo shitty JavaScript free porn score). This guy was quite an asshole, the kind of guy I'd imagine the average /b/tard to be, and he abruptly decided we weren't gonna watch porn anymore. Needless to say, I was quite averse to the idea. However, he said he'd put on Basic Instinct, so we watched that instead.

Guess which scene it was? Yup, the mirror-above-the-bed scene. It was just as good as porn to a twelve-year-old. The scene starts and I plead with him to go back to computer porn, and his response was, "Only if I can see if you have a boner by tapping your dick with the remote." "Dude, I already have a boner." I told him, and he said "I just want to make sure." So I said fine. And he did. He gently tapped it at first, and then he slapped it pretty hard with the remote and let out a laugh comparable to that of Scut Farkus' cackle from A Christmas Story (remember the kid with yellow eyes?). With that, we went back to the computer.

That was the end of that. WHAT NO REAL SEX? No, but still, wouldn't you say that's weird? I never even thought about anyone's junk at all unless I was going to do something with it, you know? He was pretty fucking ugly anyways. I looked him up on MySpace and he looks like a gas station attendant. His quote was something like, "finally done with high school. thank fucking christ," which I can totally relate to, but coming from him it's like the mantra of basement-dwellers everywhere.

The second guy, on the other hand, had more in store for me.

We were at my house this time, and this guy, out of nowhere, gets a boner and pulls his dick out. It was kind of funny the way he went about it now that I look back on it; all the subtle hints - closing my door with some excuse about parents listening to teenage conversations, laying on my bed trying to look all cool while watching tv, so nonchalantly taking his dick out and looking at me with a raised eyebrow - meticulously planned, I'm sure of it.

Not being the type to disappoint, I took out my dick as well. He wasn't so interested in the idea of giving as he was in taking, which was fine by me since I was trained to be a giver by my original molester. After some warming of the hands, I began rubbing his cock, and he really hammed up his display of appreciation. My grandparents were in the house, so it was quite risqué to be doing any of this. I offered to suck his dick, but he was opposed to the idea - just experimenting, I guess. I decided it was probably better if we didn't do anything further anyways.

Other than him sporadically jumping on my back when I laid down on the floor and trying to somehow fuck me through my pants (which failed), that was all that happened. That was the first time I saw a curved dick. Little did I know that later mine would curve as well...but in a different direction. Sidecock, anyone? Ah, the glory days of being twelve; when your balls were smooth and your dick didn't curve. You gave your cock cool names like Steve or Jimmy, whereas now... now I call him One-Eyed Pete, mainly because if I put a little captain's hat on him, he'd look like a depressed pirate. "YARRrrr," in the saddest of ways.

That was about the gist of my sexual encounters. Rather than stopping here, I'd like to consider the aftermath of these events. Join me, won't you?

I'm almost old enough to legally drink, yet I'm still technically a virgin. I've never kissed a girl, or a guy for that matter, nor have I penetrated any orifice other than the mouth. I don't consider myself bi nor gay, not only because the balls never touched, but because I really want to fuck some pussy. Women turn me on, and sex with a man seems absolutely revolting, but it does seem somewhat difficult to discount all of those homoerotic experiences I've had. Returning to my original statement at the beginning of the thread, would things be different if I had gotten a bit further with that girl in the playhouse? Perhaps. Would none of this have happened were I not molested? Perhaps. But speculation is a meaningless task. No one knows.

As for the sexual repercussions: conventional porn turns me off. Nothing gets me flaccid like watching some hollowed-out whore writhe around on some guy's semi-chubby. Even the amateur stuff is becoming a bore. Thus, I've turned to alternative pornography. Somewhere along the lines I became slightly interested in, yet at the same time disgusted with bestiality. Every now and then I need to see a dog convulse on some woman for twelve seconds to get one off. And then afterwords I say to myself, "Jesus fucking Christ. What the fuck is wrong with me. This is beyond fucked up." I've lost you, haven't I? Let me bring you back, then.

Hentai used to do it for me, but not so much anymore; it is, however, saved by two alarmingly fucked-up taboos (in my opinion): incest and lolis.

For me, I have no sexual interest in lolis because of their physical attributes. Rather, it's the mental empathetic response I have to them experiencing these sexual encounters at such a young age as I did. Incest follows the same pattern, as incest is usually depicted with at least one underage participant, at least in hentai. I've often found that some of these fucked-up ideas "leak out" to other sexual arousals; for instance, I've found myself being aroused by incestuous pornography featuring adults, such as the 1970's Taboo series. I have no urge to commit incest with a family member, but the carried-over taboo principle makes it worth jerkin' to.

Though I've found myself being aroused by related young girls in particular, as many of you have in your responses to certain threads - for instance, younger girls bouncing up and down on your lap and you may or may not try to hide your boner - I've made sure to not do anything to harm the relationship or the child since realizing my ways. I suppose some people live out their lives as deviants, taking pleasure in thinking of what they would do to such children, whereas others treat it as an affliction, seeking refuge on the internet where they can get these thoughts off their chest without persecution.

In closing, I'd like to ask if any of you have anything to add to the thread if you haven't already - similar experiences, similar thoughts, opposing views, memes, combos, count to 10, etc.

Yours truly,

Anon


Girlfriend Now Fucking Dad[edit]

sup /b/.

You have a sixteen year old girlfriend. She's cute, sweet, witty and fun. She looks like a goddess and fucks like a devil. You love her and she loves you.

You wake up in the middle of the night, roll over, and find she's not there. You go out into the hallway, and hear a noise coming from your dad's bedroom. You push open his door and look in to see your girl bouncing up and down on your 45 year old dad's cock, calling him daddy and begging for more.

Who would you be more mad at, your girlfriend, or your dad?

Me personally, I was more angry with my girlfriend. At least my dad was getting some for once, and in style. Actually I'm kinda proud of him... He lives with me, since my parents were divorced, so I could kick him out, but, meh...

I dumped the girl, but she still comes around sometimes... to see my dad :(

Picture related.

(PS: not illegal, cause 16 is AOC in Australia)


Diamonds[edit]

Due to extensive research done by the University of Pittsburgh, diamond has been confirmed as the hardest metal known to man. The research is as follows. Pocket-protected scientists built a wall of iron and crashed a diamond car into it at 400 miles per hour, and the car was unharmed. They then built a wall out of diamond and crashed a car made of iron moving at 400 miles an hour into the wall, and the wall came out fine. They then crashed a diamond car made of 400 miles per hour into a wall, and there were no survivors. They crashed 400 miles per hour into a diamond traveling at iron car. Western New York was powerless for hours. They rammed a wall of metal into a 400 mile per hour made of diamond, and the resulting explosion shifted the earth's orbit 400 million miles away from the sun, saving the earth from a meteor the size of a small Washington suburb that was hurtling towards mid-western Prussia at 400 billion miles per hour. They shot a diamond made of iron at a car moving at 400 walls per hour, and as a result caused two wayward airplanes to lose track of their bearings, and make a fatal crash with two buildings in downtown New York. They spun 400 miles at diamond into iron per wall. The results were inconclusive. Finally, they placed 400 diamonds per hour in front of a car made of wall traveling at miles per iron, and the result proved without a doubt that diamonds were the hardest metal of all time, if not just the hardest metal known to man.


WTF /b/ ?[edit]

WHAT THE FUCK /b/ ????

I saw this picture on /b/ yesterday, and today its on the front page of every newspaper. And the worst thing is, when he was here on /b/, YOU WERE ENCOURAGING HIM TO DO IT!

Is this all /b/ is good for? An hero, several anonymous as well as people having nothing to do with this have died, you could have stopped it but instead you trolled and laughed...

(Posted after Pekka-Eric Auvinen went kicked in Jokola High School)


Jenkem[edit]

I am writing you anonymously because I do not want my child to get in any trouble, but I need to alert you to something your students are doing that is potentially very dangerous. Yesterday afternoon I came home early to find my son and his friends getting high on something called "jenkem" which they say they heard about at school. This "jenkem" is the most disgusting thing I've ever heard of. They urinate and defecate in plastic bottles and leave them to ferment in the sun, then inhale the resulting gas. I know it sounds unreal but when I came home I found my son and his friends laying on the grass in the backyard and they were acting very strangely. There was a horrible, putrid smell in the air. I can't believe my son would do something like this. I looked it up on the internet and apparently this was something invented by African children that wound up online and now kids all over the world are doing it. My son says most of his friends at school have tried it.

This seems to be a new thing and I can't find any information about the health effects of jenkem - I think it is the methane and ammonia content that provides the desired high, but I don't really know. Both of those are very harmful chemicals. All sorts of diseases are spread through fecal matter. I imagine it could lead to some very serious health problems at you school. My wife and I are utterly shocked and talking about private school. We have talked to our son about this and he says he won't do it anymore, but because it is on the internet kids all over the country are trying jenkem and they need to be educated about the health risks. It is only a matter of time before somebody dies from methane poisoning or this leads to a hepatitic outbreak. I don't know exactly what you could do about this as jenkem is legal but I needed to inform you of what some of your students are doing.


NAMPLA[edit]

The evening of October 23rd, 2002, local police uncovered what looked like an underground animal sex club; the cops infiltrated the area and arrested all involved members who were part of NAMPLA, the North American Man Pet Love Association. When questioned about the incident by the press, the leader of NAMPLA commented, "That bitches don't know about my sex club." And when questioned about the number of animals that have partaken in the club, leader Jeff Ox said, "The numbers aren't fully calculated, but we suspect that the figure to be around over 9,000." When the press inquired about his childhood past Jeff only mentioned about last Thursday. He explained, "It all stated in West Philadelphia born and raised, on the playground is where I spent most of my days. Chilling out maxing relaxing all cool, and shooting some B-ball outside of my school. When a couple of guys who were up to no good, started making trouble in my neighborhood, I got one little fight and mom got scared she said, 'You're moving with your auntie and uncle in Bel Aire' I whistled for a cab and when it drew near, license plate said FRESH and there was dice in the mirror. I anything I could tell this cab was rare, but said forget yo homes to Bel Aire. Pulled up to their house around 7 or 8, and I yelled to the cab yo homes smell you later. I looked at my kingdom, I was finally there to sit on my throne as the Prince of Bel Aire."

When the press questioned him about his favorite childhood activity, he simply replied "fapping to cp and furries on Caturday." And also "long cat is long". Many have speculated that if having sex with animals is for the lulz then it's just aawwwriitte, amirite. The judge gave every involved member a ten year sentence, and many cried out in horror "This is madness", while members of the press rejoiced and yelled "No, this is SPARTAAAAA!!!" After receiving his ten year jail sentence, he told his comrades of the NAMPLA club "Tonight we dine in hell!!"

Now many members have passed and most members have become An Heroes and epic fail guys, but Jeff Ox has agreed to given an interview. One question into the interview, he replied "BRB Church."


Fapping in the USA[edit]

Hey /b/ what's up?

I'm a senior in high school and my sister is in 8th grade. Ever since she started junior high she has started to spend a ridiculous amount of time in the bathroom perfecting her appearance. This really pisses me off.. first of all because at some point in the fucking morning I'd like to take the 10 damn minutes it takes me to get ready without having to bang on the bathroom door for 20 minutes.. and second because someone that young really should not be so fucking concerned about their appearance.. hell anyone at any age shouldn't imo.

Anyway, the other morning I finally got the bathroom and I decided to go for the early morning shower fap session. You guys know what a struggle this can be right?? Well there I was thinking about some hot Asian girl in my language arts class, about to climax, when the little bitch knocks on the door and says "is it safe to come in? I need to do something."

Granted she has done this countless times before and it hasn't really bothered me, but this time I had spent a good 10 minutes working up dick and I wasn't going to let her escape this great injustice. So I tell her it's safe, she opens the door and then I whirl the shower curtain open with my red hot steaming dick shining in its full glory.

She screams and runs to tell my uptight christian parents who now think I need counseling.

That afternoon when I got home from school she was locked in her room. I knocked on the door and told her I wanted to apologize. She opened it and I walked in, gave her a big hug and said I'm sorry for doing what I did this morning. She accepted and then said "Brother, that was the first PENIS I have ever seen in real life"

At this moment I felt a surge of power and gratification that has yet to be equaled.


Z0mg drugs[edit]

Sup /b/.

What happened was, I was coming back to study hall after 7th period, and put my head on my desk and took a huge sigh because my stomach was hurting incredibly.

This might seem normal, but take a few things into consideration:

- My desk had a blob of hand sanitizer on it the size of a small paperback book, left by a kid with OCD. - I was lying in it without noticing it. - It can be used as an inhalant.

So, after I inhaled, I felt normal for about five minutes other than the intoxicating stench of the sanitizer. Then, something odd happened.

People's faces started melting/warping in a way I can't even begin to describe.

I kid you not.

I was terrified, but luckily enough it only lasted for a few minutes.

I still felt dizzy and sick to my stomach, and picked up my violin and went to orchestra. The entire time I couldn't read my sheet music.


Note to virgin newfags[edit]

Alright all you underage newfags, listen up.

Day after day I keep seeing you mongoloid virgins in here asking questions like 'What does a pussy feel like?' or 'What does a pussy taste like' and I am fucking well sick of your shit.

A VAGINA is like a new running shoe, OK? At first, it looks good, smells ok and fits rather snugly. As time goes by, it stops being all of those things though, especially after being used repeatedly. It starts to look beat up, smells worse and worse, and things get kinda sloppy. A VAGINA is basically a tepid reservoir of bacterial filth, with new bacteria and viruses being added every time a new strange cock goes in (which is usually fairly often, because all women are whores. Even Mom.). It tastes like it smells too, sour with a peculiar strongness. They all smell and taste like that. All of them. Wanna know why? It is also a drain for bodily refuse like dead cells, dead bacteria, and dead spermatozoa. It smells the way it does, because it is full of decaying things all closed up in a moist, heated pocket.

So go ahead, stick your face in it and lick up that stinking, rotting slime.

This PSA brought to you by a concerned /b/rotha.


Wimminz[edit]

Women are not actually attracted to men. There is a vague idea of what a man is physically, and some are better than others aesthetically speaking, but the purely physical appearance of a man is almost inconsequential unless he is horribly ugly or outrageously attractive.

Women are attracted to status, money, how much a man smiles and laughs, how many friends and resources a man has, how full a man's life is--how many "cool," "exciting" and prestigious things he is doing or connected to.

They are interested in how other people view him--how many people want to be around him, how other people interact with him and whether their interactions convey that he is special and amazing. They want him to be extremely outgoing and aggressive, they want him to demonstrate his status over other people by dominating them in various non-violent ways.

A woman's attraction to a man is a function of her jealousy at the thought of another woman having that man. She doesn't care who he actually is or EXACTLY what he looks like physically, she only cares about the VALUE of the life he has constructed around himself.

A woman basically is a greedy materialistic prostitute. Although that sounds vulgar, it's true. She trades her physical self to buy into the success a man has created for himself.


STOP CALLING OUR STORE[edit]

Hi, I'm Gregg and I work at Gamestop. I have a simple message for the members of this forum.

DON'T EVER, EVER, EVER FUCKING CALL UP MY PLACE OF WORK AGAIN. I KNOW YOU PATHETIC FUCKS DON'T HAVE JOBS OF YOUR OWN AND YOUR PARENTS PAY FOR YOUR SKYPE AND YOUR INTERNET ACCESS AND YOU HAVE NO CLUE HOW HARD IT IS TO ACTUALLY WORK A FULL TIME JOB.

WHAT YOU FUCKHEADS DON'T REALIZE IS BY YOU CALLING AND ASKING FOR BATTLEFROGS OR WHAT THE FUCK EVER YOU FUCKERS SAY OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN, IT TAKES UP PRECIOUS TIME WHICH WE NEED TO HELP ACTUAL CUSTOMERS.

YOU ARE MAKING US LOSE MONEY. AND BY 'US' I MEAN THE EMPLOYEES. EVERY PRANK CALL THE STORE WE WORK AT RECEIVES, WE LOSE HOWEVER AMOUNT OF TIME WE SPEND ON THE PHONE TALKING TO YOU COMES RIGHT OUT OF OUR MEASLY PAYCHECKS.

SO FUCK OFF IT ISN'T FUNNY AND OUR STORE AT LEAST HAS ALREADY CONTACTED THE AUTHORITIES AND YES THERE IS ACTION WE CAN PURSUE AGAINST THIS MESSAGEBOARD.

Have a fucking great day. And don't call my place of work anymore.


Stop calling our store, remixed by some faggot on 7chan[edit]

Hello /b/. My name is David. I work at Gamestop. And I have a simple message for you all: STOP CALLING US FOR THE FUCKING SAKE OF IT. DON'T ASK ABOUT BATTLETOADS ANY MORE. EVERY PRANK CALL WE GET AND THE MINUTES WE SPEND TALKING WITH US COST US MONEY FROM OUR GODDAMN PAYCHECKS. YOU DON'T EVEN FUCKING KNOW HOW HARD IT IS TO FIND A FULL-TIME JOB, DON'T YOU? SO GET THE FUCK OUTTA MY PHONE. Thank you. And have a fucking nice day.


Katie[edit]

Alright /b/, I work in an office, and sometimes I'm attracted to this girl who works at the end of my line of cubicles. Her name is Katie, and I'm not really sure if I should be showing you her picture, because she's not THAT attractive, but you know at work your standards are lowered. She's nice and all that, nice personality so don't be mean, if you knew her you'd understand.

So anyway, earlier this morning I was at work and I kept leaning back so I could look down at her. I didn't really have all that much work to do, only useless shit, the kind that takes 5 minutes but you put it off so it takes an hour. Well at the end of the line, there is a space, and then a ditto machine, with a light on it and it blinks sometimes when it's out of paper. I noticed the light was blinking red so I decided this was my opportunity to walk by her and change the paper all casually, maybe even chat her up for a second.

Alright, here's where things got crazy. When I got down near her cubicle I said hello and she smiled at me, giving me these 'fuck me' eyes and I almost lost it!

I stepped up to the machine before I replied so I wouldn't look too desperate. Then I looked down at the red blinking light and I felt a crazy breeze sensation rush over my body...


Blasphemy Against /b/[edit]

Dear /b/, I have recently witnessed what I believe to be the undoing of us. A thread where anonymous was actually posting pictures of their RL selves. As far as I am concerned this is complete blasphemy. Not only does it undermine who we are, anonymous, but it also has shown me that a large number of /b/ users are the very people who we torture. As i scrolled down through the faces i saw pictures of high school students being totally epic and drawing unibrows on themselves as their senior picture. As far as I am concerned this is not /b/. The original beauty of anonymous is that we can be anyone, a gas station attendant, a co-worker, or even your boss. However seeing what is seemingly the majority of /b/ to be pistol-wielding fatfuck, gothfag, scenefag, overallshitbag is truly sickening. So i beg of you anonymous, we must put an end to this faggotry. Why do we sit back and watch as our internet is slowly murdered. So this is a message that goes out to all, if deep in your heart you believe you are not anonymous, leave. It is not that we have a personal issue against you, it is simply you do not belong among us. So i beg of you Anonymous ask not what newfags do to your internet, but what YOU can do to rescue your /b/.


i h8 xbox lol[edit]

why do they call it the xbox 360?

because when you see it, you'll turn 360 degrees and walk away

(NOTE: The original post wasn't a troll, just a really stupid kid.)


A Very Anon Thanksgiving[edit]

soup /b/... I had a TERRIBLE Thanksgiving. I would like to tell you about it.

You see, yesterday we had our family thanksgiving and it was my job to prepare to the turkey. Well, I had the turkey in advance so I could beat the rush, so I simply went to the kitchen yesterday morning and put the previously unthawed turkey on to the counter and began to cut the plastic wrapping off of the massive dead bird.

I began to tedious task of preparing this beast and then I noticed this thing seemed to have a gaping turkey VAGINA. I laughed to myself and put it in the oven after setting the timer. To pass the time, I figured I would satisfy my hard on with a little bit of 'me time' and porno movies I happened to have on my computer. No one was up yet, so I wasn't disturbed and I came easily. In fact, I had perfect timing. The timer buzzed the second I came.

I wanted to sit there and relax, but I knew the damned bird would burn if I did. I dragged myself up and proceeded back into the kitchen. I nearly pissed myself when I walked in on my little brother thrusting his thirteen year old cock into MY turkey. He jerked his head in my direction and the bird hit the ground with a wet flop, his cum dribbling out of its dead hole. I felt sick so I yelled at him to get back to his room. I had worked so damn hard and spent good money on this fucking thing.

I didn't even want to pick it up, anon. I sighed and sat on the floor next to it. There was nothing I could do. Well, except have my way with the turkey. They wouldn't notice, anyway.


Misogyny Rant[edit]

I hate women. I really do. Every time I look at them, my blood pressure shoots through the roof. When they're gabbing on the cell phone about Paris Hilton. When they're adjusting their lipstick and taking up my time rifling through their stupid purse. When they whine to me about their period. When they blither on and on about some artist/film director/musician nobody else gives a flipping fuck about. When they cry and expect your personal sympathy.

But most of all, /b/, I hate them because they're smug, hyperactive little bitches made that way by our shithole society. Look what uncontrolled feminism and the media has done to them: they think they're superior. They can call the shots. No woman will even know what it feels like to be completely alone and unloved unless she is FIERCELY ugly. All their crying about relationships is merely them fucking up; any girl can get any guy she wants if she tries.

When girls are feeling down, they can have any man they like and fuck him. Even if they have no friends in the world, even if they are pathetic, ugly whores, they could strike up a conversation with any guy in class and make him theirs. But a lonely, pathetic man is hated by women. They know they're better than him. They give him nothing. Even though they know he suffers from his biological urges, they sit and laugh and do nothing for him. They get to choose who is happy and who is sad.

I know this is BAAWWWWW over being a virgin. I know that it's not morally right. But I'm posting it because every single one of you sexless /b/tards thinks the same thing. When you watch your roommate make out with his girl, when you hear it in love songs on MTV, when you see it on the streets: know that those women are laughing at you, hating you, denying you something completely harmless, just because they hate who you are as a person. And that's their never-questioned right in this world.


Period[edit]

I know this forum isn’t supposed to be used like a blog but I need some help. I’m fourteen years old and I had a problem in one of my classes. We had to write a paper on how grammar has changed since old English…

Well the paper was do on the Friday before September and he said we’d get them back on Tuesday. so I went to class on Tuesday and he said the papers were wrote really good. So he handed them out and I was pretty nervous because he reads the grades out loud in front of the whole class.

so he is handing them out and everyone is getting good grades and then he calls my name and says “this is the worst paper you have written for me” and then he said a whole bunch of the problems (bad grammar ect.) I made.

then at last he said “and the most annoying problem you made was you forgot the period on the starts of some of your sentences” and he yelled “YOU ALWAYS NEED A PERIOD”

and then right there in front of the whole class my period blood started to come out. I was wearing white pant and everyone saw it. It was like someone throwed a really slimy jelly donut on my crotch area. Super embarrassing.

So now I need advice,' I was wearing white after labor day, and everyone saw. What should I do?


Mom Caught Me Masturbating[edit]

Dear /b/, the worst thing has happened just yesterday.

I was sitting there in front of my PC, pants down, fapping to one of the hottest hentai pic I could've ever found on my hard disk, when my mother walked in.

Normally, I would've just tried to hide my erection by pulling my pants back up and pretending to do something else, preferably the least suspicious possible, but not then.

As I was nearing the end of my masturbatory session and couldn't hold it back anymore, I closed my eyes and let myself overwhelm to the orgasm just at the same moment she opened that damned door. I knew I should've locked it, but I believed nobody would've ever bothered entering without asking beforehand.

Thus, being unable to see anything for all the time I enjoyed the, let's say, "warm feeling", I couldn't have noticed she was here since the beginning.

So, yeah, my mother saw me ejaculating till the last drop of semen, and in the lewdest way possible, even.

It was only when I was finally done and did a swift peek to see if I had done any mess on the floor, that I realized her presence.

My heart went right down my stomach at her sight: she was just standing there, staring at me with dismay, then left the room without saying anything. I'm not lying if I admit that, then as now, I just wanted to die due to the huge embarrassment that followed.

About a day has passed since the incident, and she hasn't spoke a word to me yet. She hasn't made it evident, but I strongly sense that the good old days have abruptly come to an end for me.


prettyboyalex[edit]

I just found this site and I'm going to have to say I think this is a load of crap. I don't understand half the shit that goes on here and the shit I do understand is just fucking retarded. Saying something over and over again doesn't make if funny. What are you doing with your lives!?

I'm a model, and a pretty damn good one at that. I work for a small private company and do contracting work elsewhere. I make an okay living doing nude modeling as well.

/b/ I will stay here and help you, but you need to understand that now I'm in charge, okay? You can call me prettyboyalex. I'll post a picture every time I post. Peace and Love, all!


See Also[edit]