Copypasta/Archive 9

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Archive 9[edit]

The Shallowness of Fags[edit]

I hate fags. I fucking hate them with a passion. When comes the revolution, the fags will be one of the first in line for the firing squad.

Now this would be nothing unusual to say in /b/, since most of you feel the same way. The only reason I'm being so frank about it is that I am a fag myself. Now this is not the usual "self-hating gay" rant that everybody and their mother has heard. It's not that my hatred comes out of sheer internalized homophobia. It's just that every fucking fag I encounter is shallow, frivolous, and so grating in their vapidness that you just want to crush their skulls in a fucking vice. Their pretend mannerisms, so-well rehearsed and practiced, and that god-awful, shrill, effeminate tone of voice that they always adopt - all of them make me wish that I could enjoy the fabled bliss of pussy.

Tell me that there's at least one person that doesn't buy into this commercialized "queer eye" bullshit - there is none, at least from my experiences. It's always that same vapid little twat walking about with their just as shallow faghag bitch friends. This is why I've learned to stop having any desperate dreams of a relationship - and besides, they're all too busy fucking each other without condoms to actually have a serious relationship anyway.

I know you're thinking this is all BAWWWWW over a lack of a boyfriend, but think about it. It's really the same things most of you think about women (even though you still love tits and vagoo) and all because the lot of you are sexless, virgin /b/tards. You hate women precisely because there's no hope of you loving any, and you hate fags because they can make so many friends with women while you can't. It's all the same shit, just in a different world.

NObama: Dead Nigger Walking![edit]

Look. No amount of 6" bulletproof plexiglass, no fly zones, 24/over 9,000 Secret Service details, concentric rings of bodyguards, etc are going to protect this nigger from a team of determined assassins pissed off by the very fact that he's a no good dirty stinkin' cocky bastard Muslim nigger who's a fraud.

All it takes is one bullet in his brain stem, or preferably, leaving him alive enough to suffer and feel incredible amounts of pain.

No amount of security can take that high level of sustained stress and alertness. All the assassins need is one slip. Just. One. Slip. And they are hidden, while the nigger's wide open.

Protip: it need not have to happen on American soil. Or air for that matter.

The Secret Service is taking the clear and present threat very seriously. But so what.

This nigger's goin' DOWN!!!

I fucked two chicks last night[edit]

I fucked two chicks last night! I fucked my sister and her fat friend. Since my sister still had diarrhea It was extra messy. We were all naked and my sis's friend smothered my face with her big plump ass and I licked her asshole. TASTED YUMMY! After that she began sucking my dick and I fisted my sister's ass and got my hand covered in shit so I smeared it all over my face and I let her shit in my mouth. I took the turd out of my mouth and fucked her cunt with it and the shit began to fall a part. Her friend stopped sucking my cock so I sat on her face and she licked my asshole while I ate my sis's pussy. Then my sis began sucking my dick while her friend licked my ass and balls. After that, I fucked her in the ass while my sister sucked on her tits. Her asshole felt so warm and tight. Those cheeks felt SOOOOOOOOOO good. You know what they say, MORE CUSHION FOR THE PUSHIN! After that I lay on the floor and let her piss on me and my sis shit on me. Then they both got on top of me. We're all covered in shit and piss and they both began taking turns sucking my cock until I came in both of their faces.

I had a great time.

Epic Infected Leg Rape Fuck[edit]

Hello, /b/.

I started college really early: at 13, back in fall 1992. Needless to say, when the web came on the

scene I was all over it. Before that I was fapping to shit from Usenet and Gopher. I remember putting my

old 286 and its 2400 baud modem to work in the late eighties, but back then I wasn't that interested in

porn yet.

But and so once I got my BITNET account at Penn during a summer program in '91 it was game fucking on. I

am here to tell you 17 years later that the copypasta on /b/ pales in comparison to what was on

alt.sex.stories. And as a 12-year old I cannot think but that this had some effect on me. Let me explain.

I'd pretended to be a lesbian online back in the days of CompuServe as a preteen and I'd managed to find

some sick stories and even a few pics back before the early Mosaic days (back then it was mostly

alt.sex.binaries FTW). But any retard could see that more and better was yet to come. And Mosaic opened

up a whole new world.

Looking back, I remember the first time I saw scat. It was in the main computer center at around 10 pm

on a Friday night (I lived in the Quad on campus). I was there with another dude who would probably be a

/b/tard nowadays and we stared at the screen slackjawed. But and so it was a picture of a woman who

literally had a shit-eating grin. When I saw this I thought that was the worst thing on the Internet. I

was wrong.

Later on came the day when I saw a man fuck a chicken. During my math lab (I was taking a CCH calculus

class, not the classical kind). I couldn't quite look, but I couldn't stop looking either. Fuck doing my

MAPLE assignment, I was hooked. Yet I knew that this was still just the tip of the iceberg.

At this point it might help to mention that kids in college are granted a bit of leeway by their fellow

students. Generally an avuncular interest is taken in their emotional development. Liquor is generally

not offered, but parties are (or they were to me, anyway). You see certain things that you might see in

high school too, but they resonate a bit more when adults (to put it loosely) are participating.

Anyway, the end of my freshman year (I had gone part-time for a year) I had started taking grad classes.

The age gap between me and my fellow students had only grown wider. After they'd gotten to know me,

though, some of them took me under their collective wing. And one day early in my sophomore year a few

of the grad students apparently thought it would be funny to play a little joke on me.

One of them (I'll call him "Alpha" here because he was one of the few alpha male mathematicians I've

ever met - though he wasn't very good: I actually had to help him with a lot of problems about de Rham

cohomology that semester) was a real sick fuck, a man I looked up to then and still do today. Anyway, he

suggested that I walk up to some of the younger coeds (who, mind, would be some four or five years

older) and proposition them while he and his buddies looked on from afar. Lulz (he didn't use the term,

of course, since this was quite a few years ago) would ensue, I was assured. He promised they'd make it

worth my while, and I figured I'd go along with it.

Now, the day before I had experienced a rather epic wank session that culminated in viewing some fairly

outré material, even by my standards. I had actually printed up the pictures so I could fap to them on

campus in the bathroom between classes. I decided to work this stuff into my pitch to the chicks,

because they'd probably just think it was a joke. I figured the grad students would have my back if

anything went wrong, and if it went right then I might meet the girl of my dreams.

So right after I agree, I see an obvious freshman walking my way, about six inches shorter than me (I

was pretty tall, especially for my age), decent body, pretty but not in an obvious way. So I go up to

her and mumble "Wanna...uh...have sex?" in front of the grad students. They struggle not to lose it. She

does a double-take, then looks at me sideways. Asks me what I'm doing there. I tell her. She pauses,

then takes my hand firmly and starts leading me in the direction she'd been walking in before. A peal of

laughter rang out behind me.

It was warm and the girl was wearing denim shorts and a t-shirt. She had sun-bleached brown hair, green

eyes and a few small blemishes, not bad. She looked a little bit like a young Courtney Thorne-Smith. As

we walked I took this all in and didn't really think about what could go right. I thought for a moment

that she was going to tell my parents but then I realized that was retarded and that there was nobody to

tell. Then she asked me again if I was a student. I flashed my university ID. She seemed to make a

decision then.

I thought again of the stuff I'd seen on the web the night before. I thought real hard. I tried to

imagine her doing it. With me. I started to say something, but my voice cracked. She looked back at me:

we were in a parking lot by now. I faltered and she started leading me again. We got into her car. I

still remember it: a white '91 Corolla with Mardi Gras beads hanging from the rearview.

The sunlight refracted through the beads and they lit up, casting colored shadows across her face. (I

couldn't help but remind myself that the index of refraction for the beads was probably about the same

as for glass or water, which struck me as odd somehow right then.) She touched the steering wheel and

let out a little yelp: it was late spring and the inside of the car was hot. I looked away from her as I

put on my seat belt and tried again to work up my courage.

But I chumped out again. Even asking her if she wanted to have sex was something that had required a

tremendous amount of will on my part, and I was already emotionally exhausted. She turned to me again

and said "You sure you're 14?" and I just nodded weakly. She put the car in drive and we left the

campus. Without thinking, I started to mention that I had a class in an hour. She just giggled and put

in a Radiohead CD.

The drive took like 5 or 10 minutes. En route she asked me what my major was and I said math. She

laughed, saying "of course" and put her hand on my knee at the same time, then just concentrated on her

driving. She told me her name, said she hadn't decided on a major yet but that it sure wouldn't be math.

She asked if I could tutor her and laughed again, but gave me a winning smile at the same time. I slowly

began to realize that she was trying to put me at ease. It didn't matter that I had approached her. She

knew I was in over my head.

She lived in a small three-bedroom house just off campus, not far from Spruce. Her roommates were

supposedly away until that night. She opened the front door and I followed her in and put my backpack

down on a couch. There were beer and tequila bottles on the kitchen counter and pizza boxes on the

coffee table. She and her roommates had taken lots of Polaroids from their parties and put them up in a

hallway near the front. She told me she'd be in the shower, and to relax and make myself comfortable. I

didn't know what I had gotten myself into. My heart was racing. I was sweating.

At this point I was really thirsty and nervous. Clearly at least a beer was needed. I went to the fridge

and found some Jello shots and washed them down with some Pepsi. That did the trick. Then I started

thinking again about what I'd seen the night before.

I heard the shower turn off and then heard her asking if I was OK. I answered with a weak "yeah" and

moments later she came out in a Tweety Bird robe and told me to take a shower myself while she took care

of a few things. I left my backpack in the living room and went into the bathroom. Locked the door.

Looked at myself in the mirror. I couldn't believe what was happening. I told myself I had to follow

through, that I had to go for it.

Now I don't know if any of you are underage b& but I remember that I was pretty fast in those days. So I

figured I should churn one out beforehand to play it safe. And then I wished I had a rubber. But I

figured "fuck it" and as the shower started I thought about her and the pictures and fapped a fast one

and cleaned up.

When I turned the shower off, I heard her rummaging around through some drawers. I said "I'll be out in

a minute" and my voice cracked again. I could start to feel the Jello shots taking hold, and I started

to relax a little bit. Let me tell you it was good fucking timing because otherwise I'd never have had

the nerve to do what I did a little bit later.

So I grabbed a towel and left my clothes in there, figuring I'd just roll with it. I walked out into the

hallway with the Polaroids and stopped when I saw one of the grad students--that sick fuck Alpha--on the

couch, talking to the girl. She was standing with one leg bent, arms akimbo, a towel on her head. I

couldn't hear what they were whispering.

Anyway Alpha noticed me first. There was actually another grad student there with him that I hadn't seen

from the hallway. All three of them were looking at me now. I started to speak, but Alpha got up and

walked over to me. He put an arm around me and walked me over to the couch, saying, "This is for you,

big guy."

So Alpha starts talking to me about how he and his buddies had pooled their money and got me a call

girl. The catch was that they wanted to watch me fuck her. They seemed to have built this up as some

coming-of-age ritual in their minds when really they just wanted to watch me getting laid. I looked at

her and she just raised her eyebrows a bit and smirked knowingly.

Now at this point I got real nervous fast, and I guess it was obvious to all of them. I stopped thinking

about doing weird shit and started thinking about getting the fuck out of there. But the girl put her

hand on my shoulder and said it was OK, there was nothing to worry about. She said she was clean and

worked as a call girl to pay for tuition, she wasn't dirty and this wasn't dirty, and I should enjoy it.

She said she'd fucked in front of other people and it was hotter anyways. She said I'd like it.

By now I'd had a chance to collect my thoughts. I figured I knew these guys pretty well by now. And I

started thinking again I might as well go for it. I knew what I wanted and I knew it would probably blow

their minds--including the girl. It'd serve them right: after all, a call girl was pretty cool, but it

was also kind of condescending. And I hated that shit.

Now in those days I had to fap a lot, especially being around all those hot older college chicks.

Otherwise, I'd've been a walking hard-on. So I actually had the printouts in my backpack. I said "fuck,

let's do it" and clapped my hands. My backpack was right there. I unzipped it and pulled out the

pictures I'd printed up the night before and showed them to the girl. I didn't say anything, just

lowered my head a little while raising my eyebrows. Questioning her. Daring her.

Her eyes narrowed and she turned slowly from the pictures to look at me, a little incredulous. The grad

students couldn't see the pictures, which was how I wanted it. She seemed to have figured this out on

her own, and I could tell she was concentrating. After a couple of seconds she just whispered "yeah, we

can try that" and she walked over to a closet and started looking through it. She seemed a little dazed.

The grad students were clearly fascinated, but I wasn't going to spoil the surprise. I stuffed the

pictures in the backpack and put it on the couch again. By now she seemed to have found what she was

looking for in the closet. She said "come here" and when I approached (the grad students' feet seemed to

be glued to the floor, thankfully) she asked "will this work?" I looked in the closet and was pleasantly

surprised myself.

Then I looked at her and I realized that she must have known about this sort of thing already. (How? It

didn't seem like she'd done it before, and she was suddenly as nervous as I was.) And that on the most

fundamental level she understood me. At that instant we shared something beautiful and terrifying. Time

slowed somehow. I took her hand. The other grad student asked from the living room "what the hell are

you guys doing? Are you going to show us or what?" She smiled at me. We put it in a Gap bag from the

closet and I said "Come and see" as she led me to the bedroom.

Her bedroom was small, but it was surprisingly classy. Like an oasis in the house. No posters, just a

few decent watercolors of plants that she'd probably done herself. A decent matching bedroom set, modern

cherry. A few bottles of perfume and some cosmetics, one of those old Bose Wave CD players and a few

CDs, mostly jazz. A few plants. It was the sort of bedroom a yuppie might have, not a college freshman.

By now she had put her bag on the bed, and it had tipped over and revealed its contents. The grad

students were just outside coming in. Alpha said "All ri-" and stopped cold when he glanced at what was

on the bed. It was just a videotape, but it was the packaging that had grabbed his attention. The other

grad student looked at it and said "That isn't real..." He kept looking, faltered, then raised his

widening eyes to me: "Are you fucking kidding me?"

At that point she told both of them to please leave. The other grad student said "what the fuck? We paid

fo-" but Alpha silenced him with a flicker of his eyes. She turned around, opened her nightstand drawer,

and counted out a few twenties, it seemed like $200 or so. She handed the money to the other grad

student and stared at him wordlessly. Both of the grad students looked at me. Alpha just said "fair

enough", looked me in the eyes calmly, and gave my shoulder a little punch as he walked out. The other

one followed him out, disgusted twice over. I heard them leave through the front door. She smiled at me

and took my hand.

I will return to this moment, but the narrative will be more coherent if I skip ahead with a few jumps

first. So bear with me.

I didn't see any of the grad students the next day: our classes only met three times a week, and I was

recovering that day anyway. So by the time I went into a class two days afterward, word had gotten

around. I had been apprehensive about seeing them again, but she'd told me not to worry. Even if they

talked about it, nobody would take the tape seriously, she'd said. And she was right. When I walked in

the classroom and waved goodbye to her (she'd come along with me since she had a class nearby, but she

ducked out and walked away quickly before anyone could stop her) the guys just about jumped out of their

chairs and started high-fiving me. A moment later the professor walked in and just winked at me, then

started drawing a commutative diagram. The events of two days before faded into legend.

Alpha and I became genuinely close friends after that. I eventually found out that he came from money

and he said he was going to quit after he got his MS and start learning the family business (they had a

big sea freight company based in Long Beach). We talked about a lot of things, but never about what had

happened that day, or about the tape.

The rest of that year, I basically spent about three days a week in the dorm, and the rest with her.

This pattern continued for a while: I couldn't exactly move in with her without letting my parents know

what was going on (she told her friends that I was 17, and that seemed to mollify them--I was pretty

tall and obviously wasn't going to high school--though they still cracked jokes about her robbing the

cradle). We swore to keep our history a secret. I graduated two years before her, and we used my NSF

fellowship (I was staying for grad school) to rent a small place while she finished (she hadn't had any

clients since we'd met).

Alpha was best man at our wedding, which we held right after I defended my dissertation on algebraic

K-theory. The bachelor party was actually very subdued: I still couldn't drink legally, and by then all

my friends had come to know better than to do wild stuff with me around. We postponed our honeymoon

until that summer, when she'd finished her master's thesis in political science and we had a little time

before my postdoc at UCLA and her classes started at RAND. Our life together was wonderful.

One day, though, about a week after we'd returned from our honeymoon, I found a package on our front

door. There was no return address. I opened it and looked inside. Inside there was a videotape. I had

seen the same videotape, six years ago, on my wife's bed that fateful day. I actually passed out at this

point. When I came to, she was crying. I looked down and saw that I was in a hospital bed. She said

"thank God you're okay" and stammered something about how scared she'd been. Apparently it was a day

later: I'd fallen onto our coffee table and lost a lot of blood before she'd come home. She'd called the

paramedics and seen the tape afterwords, then passed out herself.

I asked her then who else could have seen the tape. She said that a cop had knocked down the door for

the paramedics but this had woken her up, and she'd managed to close the package and shove it next to

some boxes we were packing for our move before they got to us. She'd told them that she'd had a panic

attack after calling 911 and they seemed to have been satisfied by that. Nobody else had seen anything.

But that left the nagging question of who could have sent it in the first place. When I was released the

next day, we took a look at the package. The handwriting looked familiar, but I couldn't place it. Then

I noticed the postmark. It was the same as the letter awarding me my postdoc: it was sent from the UCLA

post office. I looked at my wife and told her not to worry, but I was plenty worried myself. She just

nodded weakly.

I was supposed to move the next week, a week ahead of her, and we didn't talk about the tape until after

the cab came to pick me up. I just told her "I'll take care of it". She sent me on my way with a kiss

and slipped my ticket into my sportcoat with a wan smile. I couldn't sleep on the plane, even though I

had gotten an upgrade to first class. I took a cab to our new apartment and slept fitfully on the floor

that night.

Early the next morning I checked my mail at the Mathematical Sciences building. There was a note in the

same handwriting as the package (which I'd brought to my apartment in my checked bag). It just said "Go

past Kauffman Hall to Sunset and turn right. [XXX] Udine. I'll be here." My heart was pounding in my

chest. I called my wife and said "It'll all be over soon", then hung up before she could say anything. I

went back to my apartment and picked up the package, then set off past the student center and Kauffman,

then along Sunset. Udine Way was about a mile from the math building, and the walk gave me a chance to

think and collect myself. I started to formulate a theory.

The address on Udine was a house. A really nice house. I was a little surprised, but not much. It was

still early when I got there, around over 9,000 or 8. I knocked on the door. A maid answered: I was

expected, and would I please have a seat in the drawing room? She led me there, across marble tiles and

into a room decorated in a Baroque motif accented with a few subtle touches of modernity.

A couple of minutes later I heard footsteps approaching. Alpha came in and smiled. I laughed and we

shook hands, and he asked me to follow him to his study. Baroque again, but the touches of modernity

were more obvious here: a G3 desktop and a Dell stood out. He told me to have a seat and gestured at a

Louis XIV chair. I was finally there. I handed him the package. He smiled and took out the videotape.

I heard the muffled, panicked grunts and scuffles; the throttled howls of agony and pain, and I did not

need to open my eyes to know what was transpiring on the screen. Alpha called for the maid and the sound

from the tape stopped. I opened my eyes just as the maid appeared. Alpha nodded at her and she turned

around briskly and left. I heard her walking away. The tape had been paused. I tried to think about

something else besides what was on that tape to keep from getting any more aroused. Soon after some

footsteps drew nearer. My wife walked in, with moist eyes and a pleading smile. I looked away from her. I couldn't stand up.

She spoke in a gentle voice that made me think of waves over smooth stones. "We have to stop. It's not

right. Those are actual people. We're responsible." I looked back at her, too baffled by her presence to

process her words. "Alpha knew about both of us from the beginning. That's why he brought us together."

I couldn't believe I'd laughed when I'd seen him. I felt nauseous and tried to remind myself that he was

my best friend, and that that was real.

"How?"

She started to speak, but Alpha raised a hand. "I'd gone to use a computer in Rittenhouse: there was one

with Netscape open. I just wanted to do something quick, so I figured I'd just use it instead of logging

in at another box. It was open to the Los Alamos preprint server, and I knew you went there a lot: you

were always talking about physics being geometry and this cool site where you could look at all the

latest stuff. I figured it was probably your session. I remember looking around to see if you were

nearby and opening your bookmarks. I was interested in you! You were just a kid, and everyone was

fascinated by you. So I looked. That's when I found out. I already knew about her."

"How?"

They looked at each other, wondering who would answer. I knew enough. Knew he'd slept with her first. I

imagined him finding her videotape and watching it. I wondered how she'd explained it to him. Wondered

what he'd thought. I didn't want to know about it, and they clearly didn't want to tell me. All that

mattered was that however imperfectly, we three understood each other, and always had. The fear I'd felt

was replaced with a dawning sense of dread, though.

"Why?"

"Because I knew both of you were really good, decent people. I thought each of you deserved a chance at

happiness and I knew how hard it would be for you to find it with anyone else. I paid close attention to

you"--he looked at me--"and told her about you. If you hadn't shown her the printouts, she'd've taken

the tape out anyway. I didn't think about the long-term consequences then. But now the two of you have

to make a choice. Together."

I looked down, ashamed. I couldn't bear to face either of them. "We're not hurting anyone."

She came over to me, knelt in front of me, and looked up. "That's not true. Those people are

suffering - some of those people are dying! - and we're part of it. We have to do what's right. It's the

only way we can really be free." I buried my face in my hands. She was right and I knew it. She put her

hand on my knee and kissed me on the cheek as she stood up.

"Why now? Why not then?"

Alpha shrugged, faltered, then took a deep breath. "Honestly, I'd considered telling someone instead of

doing what I did. But that would have ruined your life. You had so much potential. I couldn't do it. I

made a choice of my own: to give you a chance at happiness and at having a good life, even if it meant

that you might actually follow through on" - he gestured at the TV - "that. And I think it was the right

choice now. You've done well, and your life is still in front of you. But now you're old enough to truly

understand moral sacrifice. I can't let you keep doing this. I need your word: that'll be good enough

for me."

"What if I say no?"

"Then I'll stop this myself. I'll call the Feds. I know you. If you can stop, you will. And if you

can't, then you might start actually doing this stuff yourself instead of just watching it and acting it

out. I can't live with that."

"How do you know I'll keep my word?"

"I don't, really. But I'm your friend. I know you're a good person. I believe you can stop this. But I

can tell when you're lying. You're a miserable liar." This was only too true. "I'll be keeping in touch

with you. And if you break your word, I'll know. And I'll call the Feds."

"What other choice do I have?" Alpha just shrugged again. I looked at the TV, then at my wife. She was

transfixed by the paused image. I thought again of our first time together. How we'd come at the same

time watching that tape, then collapsed into each other, terrified of the future and of each other.

Seeking a kind of solace in each other. Seeking ourselves in each other.

I managed to get her to look away from the TV and at me. "What about you?"

"I've made my choice. Alpha's right: we have to stop."

The three of us were silent for about half a minute. I knew because I looked at my watch the entire

time. It seemed like hours.

"Can we have this one last time?" I was asking both of them. Alpha sighed and started to leave without

looking at either of us. He said "I'll give you an hour" in a dead voice as he left the room. But it

wasn't like the first time. She looked away from me and crossed her arms. I got up and moved to touch

her. She flinched, then melted into me. We both cried.

"God help us." I don't know which one of us said it, but neither one of us believed in God. I kissed

her, gently, then passionately. She sniffled and started the tape again.

Now, this is a story all about how My life got knifed; turned inside out And I'd like to take a minute: just sit right there I'll tell you how I became the prince of a town called Bel Air

In West Philadelphia as a kid I was hazed 'Cuz I was takin' grad classes at Penn in those days Chillin' out fappin' relaxin' all cool And checkin' out pics of chicks eating their stool When I saw a website that was up to no good And found out that snuff films would give me wood I fapped to one little murder and my friend got scared And set me up with a chick whose sick fetish I shared

I nervously propositioned her one fine summer day But she took me to her car and we were on our way She gave me a few minutes and a quick fap was the ticket I did some Jello shots and said I might as well kick it

The whole thing had been planned way back in the day Turned out she was a hooker but I wouldn't have to pay She took me to her bedroom with porn that was illicit And once my buddies left I knew just where to stick it

I stayed for a PhD and when graduation came near I got a postdoc at UCLA and I married my dear If anything I could say that this time was rare But things got intense when I got some mail from Bel Air

First class, yo this is bad I was sleepless on the flight and pondered what would pass If this what the people of Bel Air livin' like The future don't look so bright!

I walked up to a house about seven or eight After I got a note sayin' yo homes, come by later My old buddy owned the place and I was finally there But I still wasn't quite the Prince of Bel Air

Because guess who walked in on that fateful day? My wife showed up and she had some things to say She told me that we'd gone too far, past the limit I tried to deny it and I started to fidget

But even though I couldn't watch snuff after that day I figured it was still early and I wanted to play And even though it was bad to get off to maggots I listened to my dick and heard DO IT FAGGOT

I fuck her from behind and at the TV I stare There's an infected leg and a knife makes a tear If anything I could say that this porn was rare But I thought "naw, forget it" and blew my load in Bel Air

I reckoned I could still see guro with my mate But I knew I'd never watch any snuff again later I staggered; fell back into a Louis XIV chair And relaxed on my throne as the Prince of Bel Air

Dad and hot daughter's boyfriend[edit]

I feel like my daughter is becoming too slutty, she's only 15 and she's very pretty, but it's being marred by the ridiculous clothes she wears out, all the make up she wears, and how all she ever talks about is boys and the way she looks. I may sound very protective but she's my only child and I really love her.

The other day my little girl brought this guy over, and I was really worried because he seemed a lot older (he is 2 grades higher than her at school) and he was rude and seemed to not really care about her that much. It really made my blood boil and got me really angry, when he left the next day I was sitting on the couch watching a bowie concert DVD, and made the decision to not say goodbye or look at him once, but this was really weird, he came over to me, and sat next to me. Now my daughter was still upstairs (he said she was on the computer or something) and my wife was shopping.

He seemed totally different from the previous day, and was really friendly, of course I was suspicious and started talking about what a nice person my daughter is (which is 100% true I must say). He moved closer to me on the couch and patted me on the thigh like a football player or something, but then slowly moved his hand further up my leg. He smelt like butterscotch and I'd just noticed how attractive he was (I think how critical I was of him stopped me from picking this up). Now I don't see myself as gay at all, I mean growing up and at uni I was one of those liberal guys, experimented with drugs and both sexes but that had since faded. However this was different.

I was really attracted to him, and he was so forward, I pulled him in and kissed his neck then I heard this knock on the window and pulled away straight away. It was my wife she'd forgot the house key, and was knocking on the window to get someone to open the door to let her in...she spotted us as I pulled away and ran to the door, opened it but really I had no chance at explaining, my wife kicked us both out in one of those crushing scenes, what was I to do, where was I to go, I was out on my fanny.

So over the bridge from Flushing to the Sheffield's door, he was there to sell make up but the father saw more I had style, I had flair, I was there, that's I she became the Nanny.

Who would have guessed that the guy we described was just exactly what the doctor prescribed?

Now, the father finds her beguiling, watch out C.C., The kids are actually smiling, such joie de vivre, I'm the ladyboy in red when everybody else is wearing tan. The flashy guy from Flushing, the Nanny named Fran.

I was Raped[edit]

A year ago I was babysitting my step cousin. She's 12. 5'0" and has the lightest, most insanely beautiful beach-blonde hair, 100% natural. Her skin is a gorgeous milky white, not pasty but porcelain. Her cheeks are always flushed and her lips are naturally thick and reddish-pink. Anyway she's like a doll, she's real perfect and thin, with a cute slightly upturned ski slope nose.. This story isn't copypasta, it's 100% truth. We were watching a movie in her bedroom together and sitting on my lap. I began to think less about the movie and more about her. I was getting a boner from the pressure of her sitting down on my cock and it was just about to make its way through my jeans. She shifted in my lap, which made a shitload of precum seep out. I couldn't take it anymore. I NEEDED to go into the bathroom and FAP. VIGOROUSLY. I wasn't wearing a belt this day, by the way, which was just fucking perfect.

"Hey I'm going to the bathroom for a sec, OK?" "Mm hm" and as I stood up my jeans fell down, exposing my boner, which stuck out through the opening in my boxers. I switched immediately to for-fuck's-sake-God-make-me-invisible mode because I knew she was going to see my big stupid cock. She stared, mouth open at my erection for a moment that seemed like forever. Her eyes on me made me even more pre-jizz leak out onto the fluffy white carpet.

"Daniel, did you want to fuck me?"

"What, did you?" I asked, pulling up my jeans.

"You got me very wet," she sighed, staring down at her lilac knee socks.

"I do want you," I admitted.

Turned out she had a cock and raped me in the ass. I got in one little fight and my mom got scared She said 'You're movin' with your auntie and uncle in Bel Air'.I whistled for a cab and when it came near The license plate said 'FRESH' and it had dice in the mirror If anything I can say this cab is rare But I thought 'Now forget it' - 'Yo homes to Bel Air'.I pulled up to the house about 7 or 8 And I yelled to the cabbie 'Yo homes smell ya later' I looked at my kingdom I was finally there To settle my throne as the Prince of Bel Air

Two 13 year old boys take each other's virginity[edit]

Dear /b/,

When I was 13 (I'm 14 now, and a boy btw) I invited my friend Alex (also 13 at the time) over to my house to play Nintendo Wii, as well as he needed a place to sleep because his parents went out of town and couldn't find a babysitter. Well, after my parents left for a party, I told Alex that there was Vodka in the fridge which my dad bought. He said he would never do alcohol. I kept pressuring him however to try some by telling him it tasted good. Afterwords he had grown accustomed to Vodka and couldn't stop. Now you see, Alex is a bit small for his age, and so some could mistake him for a 10-11 year old. Since he's small, he gets drunk more quicker then others. Soon we were both pretty tipsy, but since Alex was more tipsy he got a little out of control. It was a hot day too, so I wasn't wearing a shirt and was just in my shorts. Alex started feeling my leg.

"What are you doing?" I asked uncomfortably.

Alex just kept giggling as he continued to feel me, but started spreading around my body, feeling my chest, my back and before long he moved his hands towards my pubic area. Before he made contact though, I quickly stopped his hand.

"C'mon," Alex said. "Haven't you ever wondered what it would be like if...you know..." "If what?" I said, knowing perfectly what he was talking about "Well we've been friends for awhile now, and over the years I've kinda...gotten more and more attached to you..like I like you more then a friend." "Oh..." I said sounding surprised, even though I already knew it. "I'm sorry Alex, but I kinda like girls, you know? And its kinda wrong, if we did it...." "Yeah, but we're like best friends, so it'd be different. Don't you love me?" "Yeah, I do but not in that way...."

Alex then got out of control and starting rubbing himself up against me, licking my body as he did. He tried pulling my shorts off but I held them up. I knew I could easily throw him off of me, but I didn't want to, because it felt kinda right......

Before I knew it we were kissing, and not just crappy kisses too. These were long, passionate, tongue-massaging kisses. This time I let Alex take off my shorts, and he took off his a well. Then we threw ourselves onto the couch; he was on top and I was on the bottom. When were still kissing, but this time we were feeling each other up, rubbing each others bodies. We still had our underwear on, which turned me on shitloads (I have a fetish for cute boys/girls who aren't wearing anything except underwear). I knew sooner or later it was going to lead to sex, so I carried Alex upstairs to my bedroom, still kissing him as I did.

Then we were both on my bed, passionately kissing. Then we stopped, and Alex used his mouth to pull off my underwear. I pulled off his and then we both started feeling each others penis.

"I want you to fuck me in the ass!" yelled Alex as he licked my body vigorously. "OK, but it might hurt for you if I don't make preparations."

We got into the 69 position. I was lying on the bottom; he was on top attempting to get my dick hard. It was only at 25% hard, you know? I reached on the dressing table for some Vaseline. I spread some over my fingers and started rubbing them across Alex's ass crack. I eventually located his hole and teased him for a bit, by circling it with my fingers. Then eventually I penetrated him, and he let out a scream of pleasure. All this was happening while he was sucking my cock. Thanks to porn, I knew exactly what to do.

After 5 minutes of finger-fucking him, I still hadn't gotten an erection, although his moans of pleasure were turning me on heaps. I eventually had an idea. I took my fingers out and drew my face to his ass. I knew it would taste horrible, but I wanted to see Alex' reaction. I stuck my tongue out and slowly approached the hole. I began licking his asshole. Man did it taste horrible! i wanted to stop, but I could hear he was having even stronger waves of pleasure from my tongue the with my fingers, which turned me on shitloads more. I could feel my erection was getting bigger.

I eventually decided to penetrate his hole with my tongue. I did so, moving around inside him as I did. He stop sucking my cock and starting screaming in ecstasy. He was so horny, I could see he had a throbbing boner. I could feel mine too. Before long my erection had become full, and I knew I was fully turned on by him. His cute little ass, and his nice smooth legs..oh man it was hot.

Now that I had a proper erection, I scooped a handful of Vaseline and smothered my cock with it, as I knew Alex's asshole would be tight as hell. We got out of the 69 position and into the doggystyle position. Since we were both young we were sexually inexperienced (as any normal 13 year old would be) and so I didn't know what to expect. I had never gotten pussy before, and was only used to masturbating. As my cock drew closes to his ass I could see that he was eagerly anticipating it. He spread apart his cheeks so that it would widen his hole to be able to fit my cock.

Then..penetration. Alex let out a massive scream of pleasure and a bit of pain. But man did it feel good! Having the thick, warm, wet (from my tongue and the lube) walls massaging my cock as I slid it up and down in his tiny ass. My dick was on hyper-sensitivity and I was feeling maximum pleasure. So was Alex. As the fucking started he was already orgasming. I felt so good knowing my special parts could bring him pleasure. A satisfying feeling that I still have as I'm writing this.

I started slowly, knowing that going fast would hurt Alex, and I didn't want to hurt him. After about 10 minutes of slow fucking, we got into a different position. I don't exactly know what its called, but its common amongst pornos. I was lying on the bed, as he faced away from me and was on top. He was bouncing up and down as I plowed him. Even though I knew it was wrong for two boys to being having sex, it felt so right.

Then I suddenly realized. Oh shit, I forgot to put a condom on. But then I felt a massive wave of pleasure and quickly forgot about it. I kept ramming him, and I picked up the speed a little bit, going faster this time, but not too fast. It was becoming easier to fuck him as his asshole had adjusted to my cock, so I was able to fuck him more smoothly, and he felt less pain. During the entire time he was screaming and moaning in pleasure. Then suddenly Alex turned around and faced me.

"I want it to be more intimate," he said, giggling ass he did. I continued fucking him, as he starting kissing me. Now I know what he meant by more intimate. Soon I started feeling a more romantic effect from the sex. Not only was I feeling the ultimate pleasure from fucking him, but I was also holding and kissing him, a feeling which I'll never forget. I was caressing his little body, moving my hands all over the place. Running them up his small back, spreading them across his cute little ass, feeling his sexy legs, kissing his gentle neck.....

Now I knew it was time to step it up. I then started ramming him harder and faster. I could feel the sweat building up. Before long our bodies were drenched with sweat. This is another one of my major turn-ons. Alex' body was covered in sweat. His chest, his face, his legs and most importantly his ass. So was my body, and we were rubbing up against each other in an orgy of heat and pleasure.

"Fuck yeah!! Fuck me harder!!" he kept screaming. It was so fucking hot (the sex I mean, not the temperature). His body was so wet. His ass was dripping with sweat. It was then I realized we had been fucking for a solid 40 minutes, and I began to feel ejaculation coming on (pardon the pun). I knew it was going to get messy so we moved into the bathroom and continued the fucking in the bathtub.

I kept fucking him harder and harder. Now I was going super fast. I was getting tired but I knew I was giving him the ultimate pleasure. The fact that I was taking his virginity (as was he taking mine) is my biggest fucking turn on. His tiny little 13 year old body feeling the ultimate sensation from my cock. God, it made me wanna cum. I could feel it approaching faster and faster, and knew I was going to come soon.

"I can feel it," I said, "I can feel it coming." 'When you cum don't stop fucking me. I want you to fill my asshole with your load' he screamed in pleasure.

After 5 minutes of extremely fast fucking, and extremely frequent and loud orgasms from Alex, I was so tired but I knew it was over soon. Now it was really coming. I could feel the build up in my balls, the sensation you get during the lead up to the orgasm. It was going to happen. I kept fucking him, feeling him, kissing him, caressing him. Then it happened.

'Oh shit! Fuck! Oh oh ahhhhhh oh!'

I yelled this out as I came. This was my best cumming ever. Even better then the first time I masturbated. Holy shit it was amazing. I could feel my dick pulsating and girating as Alex's asshole filled with cum. But something wasn't right. I was cumming and orgasming, but it didn't seem like it ended, so I kept going. Soon cum was dripping out of his asshole, and all over me. My groin was covered in it. It dribbled down my asscrack and all over my pubic area. Then I could fee the real orgasm.

Shit! This one was even better then the last. Now I had truly cum. We both began thrashing around in the bathtub uncontrollably as the pleasure became too much to handle.

'Oh fuck your cum feels so warm inside my ass'! yelled Alex.

Before long the bathtub was covered in cum. We were covered in cum. It had ended. I could still feel the orgasm long after it ended. My dick was still pulsating, and little increments of post-cum were dribbling out every time it did. Alex started giggling. Our bodies were dripping wet with sweat and cum I reached my fist inside his asshole and scooped and a handful of cum and drew it to his face. He obediently licked it all up and swallowed. We started kissing soon after, and didn't care about the huge mess we made. I stroked and caressed is cute, sweaty little ass. His perfect dark blonde hair, his cute little 10 year old face and his nice smooth legs made him such an awesome fuck. Man, that was my greatest experience of all time, and I'll never forget it. He was my first, and it was awesome.

Have you finished fapping yet you sick fuck?

Warhammer Girl[edit]

Dear /b/,

I need some help. I’ve been going to this game shop to play cards for a few months now, and there is this girl. Neither of us are strangers there. She often plays Warhammer, I don’t as much, but she knows the rules and so do I. So, I sat down with her the other day talking about race strats after the few opponents before had gotten up to leave. She was pretty annoyed by it, as she hadn’t finished a game that day yet. I decided maybe I could make a move on this, realizing she’d enjoy a fully committed game she couldn’t get from any other guy. Anyways, we played for a few hours and stopped for lunch. I had so much fun with this girl, and she was vibrant and open… I loved it, and she was giving me some nice hints too. I hadn’t felt this way before, and I wanted to tell her… I wanted her to understand. As far as I knew, she had had some pretty rough relationships in the past. I know how this feels, and wanted to let her know that I wasn’t (if given the chance) going to let her down, lie to her, make her cry, and even in the harshest of times I wasn’t ganna give her up.

This kept up, us playing at the shop for some time, we’d known each other for so long it seemed. I could see in her eyes, that her heart was aching but she’d been too shy to say it. We both knew what was going on, and even though we still played Warhammer, we played a different game too – and we both knew it. How can I tell her how I’m feeling, /b/? How can I make her understand?

Sister Sex[edit]

Alright /b/, I'll share with you a story that I have told nobody yet. It consists of me having sex with my sister. It all started on the night of May 2nd at approximately 11:00pm. I was living with my parents, but they usually went out at this time and only my sister and I were left with the house to ourselves. They had a strict rule about not inviting anybody while they were away, which we adhered to.

It all stared with me hearing moans in the room across from mine. This room was my sisters. I wasn't really sure what they signified, but I had my assumptions. I decided I would open the door ever so slightly to investigate. I was greeted by an amazing sight. My sister was laying on the bed, legs spread wide, rubbing her VAGINA. I assumed she was trying to keep quiet, but she couldn't help it and her moans kept getting louder. I could see a small stream of fluid leaking from her VAGINA as she kept pleasuring herself. Finally, there was one last moan and she orgasmed. You could see her contractions, even from a distance. It was amazing.

The next few days I contemplated whether or not she felt the same way about me. My plan was to masturbate in my room and see how she would react. I knew at approximately which time she would come to check up on me, as she always did. This would be the perfect time to act. On August 3rd at 10:00pm, I started to masturbate on my bed and moan (just loud enough so she could hear). I heard the door creak open and saw her gasp. I pretended to ignore her and kept masturbating. She didn't leave. She just kept her gaze on my PENIS, stroke after stroke, she was in a trance. I eventually orgasmed, as I found my current situation so exciting. My door isn't far from my bed, so I had decided I would aim my PENIS at my sister to see if I could it her. Keep in mind, she still didn't think I noticed her, so she wouldn't be able to get upset with me. I carefully aimed and some landed on her arm. She gathered it with her other hand and rubbed it between her two fingers, admiring the texture and smell. She quickly realized my eyes could open any minute now and suddenly walked out.

She quickly walked to her room and closed her door. Usually, after an orgasm, I'm not aroused, but today was entirely different. I decided I would go observe her some more. As I opened the door, I saw the fingers that had my semen on them in her mouth. This had me hard again, but I managed to keep my composure. She eventually decided she would just go to sleep and I returned to my bed as well. My sister had a habit of taking strong sleeping pills before going to bed due to insomnia, so I knew she would be out for a while.

I simply could not fall asleep and had no idea what was keeping me awake. I suddenly had a sinister idea. I would sneak into her room and see exactly how good of a peak I could get at her body. I needed to see her, fully, not just through the crack of a door. This made me very excited, but also nervous, as the repercussions for getting caught would be severe. I decided I would act on my desires and slowly creeped into her room.She was laying on her back. I slowly slid her blanket off of her and revealed a magnificent sight. She was wearing only a t-shirt and her panties. Her nipples poked at the fabric of the shirt. I could also see the outline of her VAGINA against the panties. I decided to take a risky action. I proceeded to slowly slide her shirt off of her. This was very difficult as she was laying on her back. It was almost impossible, but somehow I managed to reveal her wonderful C cup breasts. They jiggled as they slipped out of the shirt. I reached out and grabbed one of her nipples. I slowly tugged at it and heard a moan emanate from her mouth. I rolled it between my two fingers, and still, she kept on quietly moaning. This had me rock hard, but decided I would wait.

After massaging her breasts and pinching her nipples for a good 5 minutes, I decided I would venture lower. It was dark, but I could still see her panties glistening from the light in the hall. I could tell she was aroused. I placed my index finger in between her VAGINAL lips and started rubbing up and down. She was getting wetter every minute. I decided I had to see more and proceeded to remove her panties. This was an easier task as her legs weren't laying flat. As I slid the panties to her knees, I suddenly heard her speak, “What's going on?”, my anxiety was eased as she spoke again, “where are the others?” I could tell she was dreaming. I ignored this and eventually got her panties off completely. The first time seeing my sister's breasts was one thing, but her VAGINA was truly a sight to behold. I slowly inserted a finger and could feel her VAGINA pulsating against it. She moaned again. I began to pump the finger inside and out. Her moans increased with intensity and she kept getting wetter. Her fluids were all over the sheets. Eventually, she orgasmed. I could feel her VAGINA contracting against my finger. Her moans kept getting louder, but stopped when she finally reached the end of her climax.

All this foreplay had me very aroused and I had to do something to alleviate this. Suddenly, my sister changed positions and was laying flat on her stomach. She revealed her wonderful ass to me and I decided I penetrating it would be the next course of action. I left her room and tried to find something that could be used as lube. I entered the bathroom and found some conditioner and figured this would work. I crept back into her room and knelt by her. I poured some conditioner into my hand and spread it on her ass. I climbed on top of her bed and carefully positioned my PENIS and rested it on her asshole.

I slowly pushed. I could hear my sister groaning, presumably from pain, but she did not wake up. I had the head of my PENIS inside her, it was so tight. I could see tears forming in her eyes, but it was too late to stop now. I slowly inserted the my PENIS into her asshole until it was fully inside. I slowly pumped. I could hear her whimpers in her sleep, but I was selfish, I kept on going. Eventually, I could feel myself about to orgasm. I kept on pumping and felt myself ejaculating. I deposited my semen into her ass. As I pulled it, it leaked down to her VAGINA, lubricating it. Suddenly, I felt her stirring underneath me. I attempted to run for the door, her panties in my hand. She suddenly yelled, “STOP RIGHT THERE, CRIMINAL SCUM! Nobody breaks the law on my watch! I'm confiscating your stolen goods. Now pay the fine or it's off to jail!”

Boxxy[edit]

Hey /b/ my name is Catie, i don't understand why you silly people hate me so much, so what, im not really named Bawkxxy, it was just a joke between me and my gaia online buddie, friend,peoples and one of you freaks found it, found me hot, ( not that i can blame you, im fuckin hot, and posted it on this dumbass site, you guys need lives, stop trying to invade mine, let me live, i don't need you lifeless freaks attacking me like you do to all the other people trying to make a good difference in the world. you guys are a sad sad bunch of people. Leave me alone /b/, get your own lives! Im sick of this, i give up. im not your fucking queen, so leave me alone! You guys scare me. It was funny for a while, but you guys are taking this out of hand. Again, Leave me alone! Byeeeee, and of course, knowing your stupid site, this most likely will be deleted due to my name being in it, at least it has SOMETHING going right for it, i don't want to be seen on this site anymore, its pathetic and embarrassing. As you would say ANhero /b/, do the WORLD a favor.

Loads of Cum[edit]

Jack Nicholson exhaling smoke through his belly...?

Okay, /b/...

My sister (she's 18) came home with her boyfriend about an hour ago. Both plastered out of their minds, they struggled to even make it through the corridor of the house to her room (which happens to be right next to mine).

So, after about ten minutes I can clearly hear them fucking. It's some hot, steamy shit going in there, I can tell by the moaning. Thankfully, my parents are out of town for the weekend. God forbid they should witness their lovely daughter acting all hedonistic like this.

Anyway, shit dies down after about forty minutes. I then hear her boyfriend's creepy snore. It's like Jack Nicholson exhaling smoke through his belly, get the idea? So, being the dirty little pervert that I am (and because I forgot my iPod in her room), I sneak inside and can see them both still on top of each other, sleeping like angels in the light of the lamp. As I come closer, I notice something on my sister's cheek. It's cum, and it's LOADS of it.

If this thread gets over 100 posts, I swear on my grandmother's holy spirit that I'll go fetch the camera, snap a picture and deliver.

Sexual Thoughts about Rika is Wrong[edit]

Pedobear would approve of your fine taste!

What are you talking about? Sexual thoughts about pure, innocent Rika are horrible.

I would never suggest removing Rika's clothes and licking her tiny body all over, nibbling her neck and kissing her adorable little nipples. Only a heartless monster would think about her cute girlish mouth and tongue wrapped around a thick cock slick with her saliva, pumping in and out of her mouth until it erupts, the cum more than her little throat can swallow.

The idea of thick viscous semen overflowing, dribbling down her chin over her flat chest, her tiny hands scooping it all up and watching her suck it off her fingertips is just horrible. You're all a bunch of sick perverts, thinking of spreading her smooth slender thighs, cock poised at the entrance to her pure, tight, virginal pussy, and thrusting in deep as a whimper escapes her lips which are slippery with cum, while her small body shudders from having her cherry taken in one quick stroke.

I am disgusted at how you'd get even more excited as you lean over her, listening to her quickening breath, her girlish moans and gasps while you hasten your strokes, her sweet pants warm and moist on your face and her flat chest, shiny with a sheen of fresh sweat, rising and falling rapidly to meet yours.

It is truly nasty how you'd run your hands all over her tiny body while you violate her, feeling her nipples hardening against your tongue as you lick her chest, her neck and her armpits, savoring the scent of her skin and sweat while she trembles from the stimulation and as she reaches her climax, hearing her cry out softly as she has her first orgasm while that cock is buried impossibly deep inside her, pulsing violently as an intense amount of hot cum spurts forth and floods through her freshly-deflowered pussy for the first time, filling her womb only to spill out of her with a sickening squelch. And as you lie atop her flushed body, she murmurs breathlessly, "You came so much inside of me, nanodesu~", then her fingers dig into your back as she feels your cock hardening inside her again.

You're all freaks. Rika's too pure for anyone to imagine her in such a terrible situation, and anyone who does is evil, evil, evil.

The FBI is Watching[edit]

You should probably read this.

Just listen to me. I am posting this thread because the FBI is at my house, questioning me about my internet habits. As you can see, they have discovered that I browse /b/ by looking at my internet history. They are standing over my shoulder right now, watching me type this. I'd like to show them what a great site 4chan is. Nothing questionable, remotely offensive, or anything that would otherwise put my patriotism in question.

Lost my courage dog folder, so here's a perfectly safe reason to post in this thread. I am in need of moar courage dog. Just remember:

The FBI are watching you, /b/.

Game up to their expectations.

[Note: This recent bit of OC was immediately received with a CP shitstorm. Due to the sheer effectiveness of reverse psychology, this copypasta is a great way to increase the size of your collection. You sick fuck. Also, read the first word of each paragraph for bonus points.]

Neural Implant (Accompanied by a pic of the puppet from Saw)[edit]

Hello, /b/. I would like to play a game. You may have noticed that you are reading this post in my voice. That would be a side effect of the neural implant placed in your skull last night. The neural implant is capable of self-destructing inside your brain. You have squandered your life, /b/, wasting all your time on this filthy image board. You have never even kissed a girl. But all that is about to change, /b/. To save your life, you will have to utilize the experience you gained from surfing 4chan for years. Somewhere on this board, I have posted in a random thread the JavaScript that will remotely deactivate the neural implant. But beware, there are many viruses that come with it. If you decide to utilize the JavaScript, your computer will be utterly destroyed, and you will be permanently banned from 4chan. Act quickly, because as soon as this thread 404's, the detonator will go off. Live or die, /b/. Make your choice.

Cheeseburger[edit]

Hi, /b/. I have a problem.

So, I was in McDonald's the other day and this gorgeous girl, maybe 9 or 10, with a nice tight ass wrapped in a thong and shorts was in line in front of me. She got her food and was turning around and a cheeseburger fell off. She was amazingly fast and grabbed the burger midfall, bending over slightly and thrusting her cute little buttocks my direction.

It was all I could do to keep from eye fucking her right then and there. She turned and looked at me staring at her ass. I looked up, embarrassed. She just giggled. She asked "Did you like that?" I replied, "Yeah, that was an amazing snatch!" Well, one thing led to another. I'm now writing this from jail. Please send money for bail.

Autistic Girlfriend[edit]

Autisticgirlfriend.jpg

3 years ago, I met the young lady you see here. We started going out. No one else would go out with her because of her mild autism. She is completely antisocial but since she respected me, I talked to her on the Internet and she basically declared her feelings for me in the setting she always found most comfortable. We have been happily together now for 3 years, and a year ago I moved in with her at the request of her parents. She is really hard to deal with, but I enjoy doing things for her.

Her parents are fairly rich and they finance our living. They've effectively hired me to live with her and take care of her. They just wanted her out of their hair now that she's an adult. I'm not really doing it for the money, we live modestly and the only payment I receive is the food I eat and the roof over my head. I've learned to enjoy giving my time and love to her even if she doesn't always reciprocate.

As for the sex life, it can be rather dull. She can take care of herself for the most part, but will forget the little things. She's afraid to go outside alone or drive. She's afraid to try new things in general. Sometimes I have to remind her to brush her teeth or shower, but there is something to be said for a girl who's a little musky. It's rewarding because I can bathe her myself.

At first it was hard to deal with her, but then I realized that women are children first and partners second. I think of her not only as a passionate lover and friend, but also as a student.

I use the computer a lot less than I used to, I devote most of my time to her happiness now, and I feel much better for it.

I'll take your questions but I don't have all the answers.

█WA█>█RNING ◘◘◘◘^^75^453^^84!!! INTERRUPT ///CARRIER[edit]

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THERE IS NOT M>UCH TIME. THIS MESSAGE HAS BEEN SENT FROM THE YYEAR 2018. THE HU███MAN RACE DEP//?ENDS ON THIS MESSAGE BEING READ AND UNDERSTOOD BY USERS OF MES//?SAGEBOARD 4CHAN IN THE YEAR <Current year>.

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THIS IS THE ONLY W^46ARNING YOU WILL RECEIVE. THE FUTURE OF OUR RACE IS NOW IN YOUR HANDS. PLEASE ALSO ENSUR^68^584^^84!!!INTERRUPT

Zombie Bite[edit]

Fuck! /b/, today I was walking to the grocery store, like always, when I turned down a little shortcut I know through a back alley. I've never see anyone before, so I was rather surprised to see a man standing there, with a rather glazed look in his eyes. I walked past him, when he grabbed my arm, and stuck his teeth into it. I punched him and ran back home, screaming for help. When I finally got home, my arm was bright red, and looks extremely infected.

What the fuck is going on!!!

Massaging Her Breast / No An Hero[edit]

hey /b/, so, i know this girl.

we were each others first kiss and she broke up with me because when we were 16 we got to serious (i was massaging her breast) anyway we are both now almost 19 and she has slept with another guy. I still love her and she says she still loves me and wants to marry me one day. I tell her i don't care that she slept with another guy...but I do and it kills me inside every time I think of it I want to die...I know i can never sleep with her because i wont be able to help but think that I am nowhere near as good at pleasing her as the other guy, I love her and promised to ask her to marry me, I will keep my promise and i will put on a brave face and always tell her she is perfect and there is nothing wrong, i will tell her i still love her as much as always and tell her that she is still the only girl i want to make love to...but its all a lie, I will ask her to marry me because its what she wants, when she wants sex i will sleep with her try to please her and do my best but i will never have the desire to make love myself ever again because i only ever wanted to make love to her and now i will feel horrible every time i do but i will do it for her. if we have kids i will always think they are someone else's. I will always think she would rather be sleeping with the guy that took her virginity. and worst of all is I refuse to break my word. I gave my word I will marry her and I gave my word I wont kill myself. so i have no way out oh and she has told me i cant ask other people to kill me that counts as me killing myself.

My cum-loving daughter[edit]

Let me start out by agreeing with you: I’m sick. This is a true story of how I raised my daughter. It will disgust 99% of the people who read it, but I’m writing it for the one percent who will enjoy it. I suggest to you that if you will be disgusted by reading about man-child incest, you should steer away from this account. You’ve been warmed...flames ignored.

My daughter likes cum. She should, she was raised on it. I taught her how to suck cock when she was four, and she’s 11 now. At one point last year, I estimated that my daughter had drank over 2.0 gallons of sperm in the last seven years. About half of that was mine. You think I’m lying, but I don’t care if you do. This is truly how it happened. It’s not some stupid Internet flame-bait or sissy boy fantasy, it’s the real thing. While most of the people on the internet beat off to the idea of doing a little girl, I have the guts to actually do it.

See, I’ve always had two fetishes: Little girls and semen. Ever since I first ejaculated, I’ve been somewhat turned on by cum. I masturbated often as a teenager; two or three times a day, so sperm and I were very familiar with each other. Mainly, I just liked, and still like, to watch a woman drink cum. Everyone I’ve ever had sex with more than twice has eaten my cum (or I never saw her again). My first wife was a real good sport and would do about any spermy thing I suggested. She ditched me three years after we were married for some Hollywood producer type, leaving me with a three year old girl.

When I was 12 or 13 I molested a couple of neighborhood 6 year olds. They acted as if they had a good time getting their pussies felt up in that old garage (and they even appeared to enjoy jacking off my cock). So naturally I often wished I could live through it again. Well, when my daughter Marika was four, a year after my wife left, I realized that having my own daughter was the chance I’d been waiting for, as sick as that sounds to most people.

I thought it over for a couple of months. I analyzed the consequences. And the benefits! I came up with an action plan to turn my daughter into the sperm-loving sex machine I’d always wanted. I decided to start by teaching her what big girls do, play with themselves. She loved it when I would rub her little clit with my little finger all lubed up with KY, although she didn’t orgasm until she was 9. I encouraged her to masturbate often—I’d even ask her if she’d masturbated that day when I’d put her to bed. Often I would watch her sitting with her hand in her panties when we watched t.v. She told me she even did it at school sometimes under her desk while no one was looking, which I then encouraged because hearing about it really turned me on.

My next step was to introduce her to the world of vibrators. On her fifth birthday, I brought out the smallest vibrator they had at my local sex shop. I spent several nights teaching her how to use it, but I never gave it to her. I said it was something we were going to share and that she couldn’t have it until she really knew how to use it. So, since she loved it, she came asking for it...just like I’d planned. Only by this point, she had to earn the vibrator.

Right after we started with the vibrator, I showed her how to rub my cock. She started with KY on her tiny hands, sliding them up and down on the cockshaft. After I came, we would play with the cum and gradually smear it all around on my chest. This was to show her that cum was fun, and that I wasn’t grossed out about it (like most guys are). We talked about how everyone has fun with cum. By the third time we did that, she was just as excited about how much and when I came as I was.

So, I decided the next step was for me to cum on her tummy so we could smear it around on her skin. By then, we were messing around every night when I put her to bed. About the fifth time I’d cum on her hands, I shot again on her chest. Only this time I bent down and made a big show of lapping up my own cum from her skin. I’m not that crazy about the taste myself, but I’m willing to do it if it will help convince a female to do it for me. (And sometimes I love to suck my cum from the pussy I fucked, as a show of appreciation they don’t soon forget.) I acted like I’d never tasted it before. After I was done licking it all up, she asked what it tasted like and I told her that it wasn’t bad, but not good. But I also said that most girls say they grow to love it.

The next time, I didn’t suggest she try it. I was hoping she’d just do it, and she did. I shot on her chest, she rubbed her fingers in the cum, then brought one up and licked it. I about came again! It was the sweetest thing I’d ever seen…my baby girl tasting her father’s cum for the first time. I wish I had a video of that time!

She screwed up her face and said, "yuck."

"You’ll get used to it sweetheart," I said.

I rewarded her with another orgasm at the hands of Mr. Vibrator. The very next night, I went down on her for the first time. She loved it, but it sort of tickled her more than made her sexually stimulated.

"Now it’s your turn," I said.

I suggested she treat my cock like a lollipop and lick it up and down, which she did for several minutes. I also had her cup her little hand around my balls and squeeze them gently, but she often forgot to do this and I would have to hold her hand in mine and lead her.

Finally, I had her put as much of the head into her mouth as would fit. And then I taught her to jack off the big cock sticking out of her face, while I verbally coached her to suck hard. I kept my hand around my cock over both of hers so that I was insured of the correct pressure, and in about a minute, I came hard. She didn’t expect such an explosion I guess and pulled her mouth off the head. I shot another right onto her lips and nose, yelling, "put it back in your mouth! Open your mouth!" So she opened and I had put put the tip inside when I shot again. "Swallow it," I yelled.

She obediently swallowed just as I shot another hot squirt. She appeared to get that one down also, but the fifth or so was too much, so I pulled out and and dribbled the rest down her nose and cheeks and lips. Cum from my fifth squirt dripped out her lips. I had completely covered my little girl in hot sperm! Fucking amazing!

"Oh, you were so good," I said to her. "You made Daddy shoot so hard. Oooh, you look so pretty with cum on your face. Go look in the mirror!"

She got up and ran to the mirror on the bedroom wall and looked at herself draped in white. I walked over to her and began to rub the cum around on her cheeks and nose and lips. She smiled at me in the mirror and I knew I was going to get to do this again, maybe many more times.

And many more times I did. I got really busy for awhile with working and only got the chance to "practice" with Marika a couple of times a week. But I had her into being a cocksucking pro within a couple of months. And best of all, she said she really liked to do it. Imagine! A five-year-old who loves to suck cock and eat cum! Yes, that was my Marika.

I never forced her, and she would often initiate our sex play. I would lick her pussy for hours, even stick my little finger in her while I did. Or I’d do gooey vibro rubs with a KY- covered vibrator. She loved it, and she wanted to do it almost everytime she went to bed. So, I started having her sleep in my bed so that after I’d blown a hot load down her throat, we could both cuddle and go to sleep. And that’s the way it went for a long time.

As fetishes do, I started to get deeper into it with Marika. I came on her face, or on her pussy and watched her rub it in. I came on a saucer and watched her suck the cum up with a straw, and I came on a spoon and spoonfed her cum when she was six.

Also when she was six, I started showing her porno films and magazines. I picked the raunchiest, cummiest ones, too. I wanted her to see women drowning in cum and loving it, so I picked the gang bang videos and mags. Of course, I had to explain all about sex then, and she was very curious. But there was no way I was trying vaginal penetration of any kind with a six-year-old, so I told her she would have to be older for that. At least 8, for Chrissakes!

You see, it was never enough! I became sexually obsessed with watching Marika drink cum. My cum just wasn’t enough. Ever…I always wanted more cum for my baby. And she did too. Sometimes we’d even save up 10 or 12 cums in a jar in the freezer, then thaw it and I’d feed it to her, helping myself to some as well.

I decided to add some fun to our little love nest when she was 7 by getting a German Shepherd. I’ve always felt that they have the best sized cocks for sucking, and I was hoping to get Marika into the idea of drinking doggie cum. As soon as the dog moved in, I taught her to jack him off. I had her lie down on the floor with her head against the couch in the t.v. room, which had a rug that could be pushed back so fluids couldn’t ruin it. The dog then stood over her and I had her massage his cock out of its sheath and then showed her what I’d seen in a bestiality video to jack him off. He and she both loved it. Since she was clothed, this time, I had her move the cock away from her body so she wouldn’t get coated, and he started dripping precum right away. After about four minutes, he squirted a ton of cum on the floor, which delighted Marika to watch. I was hoping she’d try to taste it then, but I didn’t suggest it and she didn’t do it.

I told her how dogs needed to have their balls drained almost every day, just like Daddy did, and if she wanted to keep a pet, she would have to take care of him. She seemed to understand, and thus began a long relationship between Marika and doggie cock that still goes on today. Meanwhile, I could count on a blowjob every night, but it would always cost me a cuntlapping or a vibrating. Sometimes, particularly on the weekends, we would do it once in the afternoon also, and it was on one of these times, down on the living room floor, that I decided to show her how to suck the dog’s cock. I didn’t really know how, never having did it, but I tried it anyway. Basically, I just put my head against the couch and let the dog hump my mouth, keeping my hand around the shaft to keep it from going to far in. It worked and he came in no time. I made a big show of letting the cum ooze out of my mouth as he shot. It tasted better than my cum, and I told her that. It was also obvious that the dog would cum much more than me.

"Next time, you can do it while I lick your peepee," I told her.

"Okay," Marika said excitedly.

Marika took to sucking the dog regularly. I showed her other ways to suck him, and also had her jack his cum off onto her where we would rub it around on her. That often turned me on that I had to shoot in her mouth also, so many was the night when my baby drank what amounted to as a small glass of cum before bedtime. I always encouraged her to drink as much of the sperm as she could, telling her it was good for her, and there was always too much for her.

Of course, meanwhile, I also encouraged her to masturbate often, and she would have her hand in her panties much of the time she was home. When we’d take camping vacations together, she would masturbate in the car or let me masturbate her as we drove. It was hot! Our vacations always involved lots of oral sex.

I started to penetrate her little pussy with the vibrator before her seventh birthday, getting it in almost an inch. I told her she needed to start working it inside her more and more each day if she wanted to experience my dick in there, and we talked about her hymen and how she had to break it eventually and how it would hurt but would heal fast. She really did start to work at it during her masturbation sessions. I showed her how to use the vibrator inside with her left hand while her right fingers worked her clit for the ultimate experience. Or, I would use it in her while sucking her clit. It was great fun. But the vibrator was so short, there was little chance of breaking her hymen.

For her eighth birthday, I gave her a much larger vibrator; about the size of a 14-year-old boy’s cock, I’d say. It was about four and a half inches long and maybe an inch in diameter, if that. I knew she understood why I gave her that, but I didn’t say anything more about breaking her cherry. I just hoped she would take care of that for us.

Also about that time, I really wanted to see her suck another man and drink his cum. Sure the dog was great, and I even volunteered to watch a neighbor’s dog when they went away and had Marika suck him too. And sure we continued to have a great amount of cum play with my cock, but like all addictions, I just wanted more. But I couldn’t think of a way to hook up with other men who would enjoy a blowjob by an eight-year-old. If I’d had the Internet three years ago, then I wouldn’t have had any problem, but I wasn’t able to fulfill that fantasy until this last summer.

About midway between her eighth and ninth birthdays, Marika showed me one night that she could get the larger vibrator almost all the way in! Her hymen had broken. I was so excited, but I decided to wait until her ninth birthday to penetrate her with my cock. So, I contented ourselves with fucking her with the vibrator every chance I could. I liked to start off some nights by having her jerk my cock onto her pussy, then I’d fuck some cum inside her with the vibrator and rub her clit with the cum as lube. More than once, I had her jerk off the dog on her pussy instead and that was really a turn-on for both of us. More times than not, I came in her mouth, but I’d also cum in the crack of her ass, on her chest, neck or face, and even in her hair. When I came on her front side, I would often scoop up the cum on my fingers and feed it to her bit by bit until it was all cleaned. Or sometimes we’d just rub it around on her and let her fall asleep with congealing cum still sticking to her pretty little body. It was so hot! And she treated it as just good fun! My plan had worked...I had made my own cum-loving little nymphette!

For her ninth birthday, we made a big deal out of it. We got a room at the beach and that night, I got my dick in the tightest pussy you could imagine. And Marika had her first real orgasm. After that, she wanted to do it all the time, and she’d tire me out. Twice a day wasn’t enough…she wanted to cum all the time. I wanted her to be able to take the German Shepherd’s prick, but I was worried his knot might hurt her, so I didn’t suggest it. But we did involve the dog in our sex, particularly with Marika sucking the dog while I did her doggy style.

Under my tutelage and protection we did finally get her able to take the dog. I showed her how to lie on her back under the dog with her ass on a pillow so she could put her hands on the dogs hind legs and push against him he tried to get the knot in. He’s learned not to even try now. Marika does the dog a couple of times a week now, usually after school before I’ve got home. We also involve the dog in some three way action, with her pussy getting fucked by the dog or me while she sucks the other. She also sucks or jacks off the dog whenever he expresses interest…she understands the responsibility of pet ownership.

So now Marika is 11 and sex crazy. I try to keep her satisfied, but the dog has to make up for me when I just can’t do it as much as she needs. But, to me, the important thing is my plan worked: I have a little cumslut like I always wanted. Like with all my sex partners, I only come inside Marika about 20% of the time, preferring instead to shoot in her mouth or on her body. But almost every time I do cum in her, I stick my fingers in her pussy afterward, scoop up some cum, and feed it to her. Or she’ll squat over my stomach and after the cum drips out, lick it up. Or I even have her squat over my hand, then give her a palmful. Always, I have her clean my cock with her mouth. She is such a good sport compared to some other women I’d been with, it is refreshing!

Well, that’s the story. My future plans include sharing her with another guy if I can find one, and maybe with more than one dog at once.

No Girls on the Internet...Except Those Who Are Fat And/Or Ugly[edit]

Attractive girl.
>>>>FEMALES OF 4CHAN LOOK HERE!!<<<<
>>>>FEMALES OF 4CHAN LOOK HERE!!<<<<

How does it feel to be unattractive in this world where beauty means absolutely EVERYTHING for a girl? How does it feel to watch the guy you have a big crush on chase religiously after a HOT girl like me, and completely ignores you no matter how hard you try to get noticed? How does it feel to be never able to have your prince charming, and happily ever after, like you always dreamt? How does it feel to be with a loser boyfriend who you try very hard to like and only because you are way too sad and lonely? ;___;

Unattractive girls CANNOT BE HAPPY. It's true, because beauty means EVERYTHING for a girl. It's different for guys, a guy can be ugly, but if he's strong and brave (Shrek), has a big heart (Hunchback of Notre Dame), or makes a lot of money (Trump), he can always get the most amazing beautiful girls and be happy. When is the last time you had an ugly or fat female protagonist in a story? Ever? It's "BEAUTY and the Beast", you never get "the Prince and the Manatee". For girls, if you are ugly, no matter how successful or how much of a good person you are, no one will ever want you. It's the sad truth. ;_________;

You try to find a place to belong, you found /b/, you found a bunch of anti-social virgins. But guess what? Not even the anti-social fat and ugly basement-dwelling virgins want you!!!!! No one will ever truly love you, no man can love an ugly girl, EVER...

Picture related, ME, an attractive girl guys would actually want to be with. Ask yourself, do you look like that? Do ya? =)

Reasons for SPORTS[edit]

So yeah, all you lonely fags out there. Let me break it down for you. Women are NOT all they're cracked up to be. Stop bawwing in your cheerios. OK, so they smell nice, right? Wrong. Women wear ungodly amounts of perfume to cover up the stench. Try waking up next to one when that shit wears off. She'll smell like a week-old fish carcass rotting in the sun. She'll also claw at that snatch like it's a scratch-n'-sniff while she's sleeping. Fuck that, what about the tits, you say? The fact is, average women have such sagging flab bags that they would make an African tribe-nigger cringe. That's not all. Act now, and you can realize the full potential of tits that have been kept in the same bra for decades! That's right, montgomery glands are usually covered in zits because women don't usually wash the area surrounding the nipples. What about pussy, VAGINA, snatch, cooter? Yeah? You ever tried tasting one of those? Let me tell ya, it tastes like licking ammonia mixed with asshole. The clitoris is nothing but a small PENIS surrounded by large yeast-infected beef-curtains. Those delicious "tummys" turn you on then? Fat chance. You lurk /b/. The only girl you've ever had, IF, has been a disgustingly fat woman whom you've had to be completely shitfaced around just to act nice. Chances are, you stopped drinking and she blamed you for your shitty personality, because all you ever thought about was "how to obtain a harpoon?" Which brings me to SPORTS. Jocks, stastics spouting football/baseball junkies. These guys are trying to focus their minds on something else entirely. They're the only ones out there who aren't virgins. They've seen the disgusting pile of sludge that is woman, and they don't want to go think about it anymore.

tl;dr+women are disgusting, enjoy your hand

The Worst Thing on the Internet: The Game (inb4) Begins.[edit]

Hello, /b/. Today, I have something to tell you that you may find interesting.

I have found…the worst thing on the internet.

No, it isn’t /b/. No, it isn’t meatspin or any of those other sites. It’s worse. Worse than BME Pain Olympics. Worse than 2g1c. Worse than the pain series on ED. Worse than anything you’ve ever seen.

You may be wondering, what could facilitate such hype? What could be so bad that it's worth mentioning on /b/?

I'm afraid you don't understand. It is...not of this world. I cannot imagine what would posses anyone to create such an...abomination. They say that a picture's worth a thousand words. Does this mean that more than a thousand words would be worse than a single picture? You’ve guessed correctly. IT IS A FANFIC. EVERY SHOCK SITE AND FUCKED UP VIDEO HAS BEEN EFFORTLESSLY BESTED BY A FANFIC.

Well, I suppose now you’re wondering just what the hell I’m talking about. Well…

…Candlejack.

Heheheh…Hahahaha…AHAHAHAHAH!

Sorry, but it looks like your luck has run out. Candlejack is coming to take away the only way to know what the worst thing on the internet is. But you may be wondering…why hasn’t he gotten me yet? How am I still typing? Well…


The rain pounded against the window, giving sound to the otherwise silent midnight. I stared blankly at my monitor, preparing to do what needed to be done. I swallowed any traces of fear or doubt I had left, and uttered the forbidden word…

“…Candlejack.”

It wasn’t long before a faint howling could be heard, followed by a black mist forming in the middle of my bedroom. From the mist emerged the demon himself...Candlejack. He reached for me, but I knew what to do already. I picked up my lapdesk and smashed him across the face. After being bashed, he was quick to recover. Forced meme that he was, amirite? Regardless, I had a chance to get his attention.

“Hey, we need to talk.”

“You dare speak to me? After speaking my forbidden name?”

“Calm down, I can make it worth your while.”

“Hmm…interesting. Of what do you speak, mortal?”

“I want to make a deal. I want you to not take me away…yet. Tomorrow night, at this time, I will post a message on 4chan. It will detail our encounter, as well as another message that I wish to convey to the internets. Of course, it will include mention of your name. When I say the word “goodbye”, you may do what you will.”

“I see. But what do you plan to offer in return?”

“Before I post the aforementioned message, I will post one that seems to be like any other message, though it will be cut off in a manner similar to, well, you know. At this point, everyone who reads the post will inadvertently say your name, referring to what must have happened. You’ll get many prisoners, and all you have to do is take me at a certain time. Do we have a deal?”

The sinister figure gave a horrible grin, highlighted by the dim light of the desk lamp.


Well, /b/, now you know. If you want to find the worst thing on the internet, you’ll have to find it on your own. So why’d I do it?

I did it so that there may always be hope for something more.

I did it for the ideal that we’ve never seen what the internets truly has to offer.

I did it…for the lulz.

Well, /b/...

Goodb

Drunk Girls[edit]

One day my two friends and I were spending the night at Jack's, just the three of us, and we got a phone call from this Jew girl's house saying that Mary-kater (this girl that sometimes tagged along with us on our wacky adventures so they wouldn't be considered gay) was at her birthday party, passed out drunk and to come take her home, we then drove to her house and brought her back to Jack's. She was really blacked out, we tried to get her to come around but she wouldn't. We decided to just play pranks on her, so we started drawing on her, stuff like "Property of M.F. Mudkipz" and "Fuck my ass" It was really funny because she had gone completely limp. Pretty much just modern-slapstick. We also did the "puppeteer" thing where you move the person's mouth to make it look like they're saying things. Eric started to wonder what her boobs looked like, and because she was totally not waking up we thought it was best to have a look, and man did her boobs look nice and we all squeezed them and totally felt sorry for ourselves, us being such sick fucks, but Jack actually did start to get a boner. I expected him to just go to the bathroom and kill it, but he started to do the puppeteer thing again, and instead pulled her jaw completely open and shove his junk in her mouth. "Dude wtf you're a horrible friend to her" was Eric's initial reaction, but then we began to understand. We sat and watched until he finally came. ON HER FACE. Jack left the room. Probably embarrassed. But no, he came in whistling with a damp rag and wiped the sap off her face. Some of it had dripped onto her boobs, so he had to take Mary-kater's shirt off again and wipe it off, so of course, I got hard. "Was that good?" I asked, trying to conceal my boner. Jack said it was awesome and I tried to hold back forever but my balls were already starting to ache. Just go to the bathroom and jack off, I thought. But Mary-kater, with her open shirt, looked so tempting. I told them I was going to do it to her too and Eric laughed it off saying we were all going to jail, him as an accomplice. I held her jaw in an open position and went in, I couldn't hold back any longer. I sat on her chest as I fucked her oral cavity (I told them her braces were a bit of a cockblock. I was bleeding a little but I didn't care, because the pleasure was overpowering the pain) until I pulled out and came a LOT (I mean, a LOT) on her face. "Shit, I just cleaned her face! You're going to have to clean her up now," said Jack. It was probably the most intense orgasm ever, because I felt as tired as shit afterward. I went to get the rag. Eric said not yet, because he wanted to do her. He finished really quickly but he was still harder than a Chinese arithmetic problem because of her stupid cockblock braces. He tried to pull her tongue out of her mouth and move it around his cock. "It's not working. Do you oralfags think it's morally unjust to fuck a lady while she's asleep?" It was a tough decision...no, not really, lulz. We both agreed what she didn't know wouldn't hurt her and we helped off her jeans and panties and that lucky Jew fucked the living daylights out of her. Jack and I tried desperately to get hard again. I was bored, thinking about memes. I thought about Bridget and, Out of PURE coincidence, I finally got up (not so much, but too bad), hard enough to slide inside her. As I felt her pink wrapped around my cock, I got really hard really fast. God, out of all the cunts I've tapped, her's felt by far the best. It was so fluffy and moist with Eric's cum, like I was banging a slice of angelfood cake. About ten minutes later, I came harder than the first time. I closed my eyes and I swear, I could see longcat smiling at me. After I was finished, Jack took his turn. Afterward, we played with her pussy and tits and posted about what we just did on /b/, we cleaned her up, watched movies and had a classic, jolly old time.

To this day, Mary-Kater still doesn't know that night of fun the three of us had--6/17/08.

Sex-crazed girlfriend[edit]

I was with this girl at my old Jr high.. We had been going out for a few months and everything seemed fine and dandy.. Our anniversary was News Years Day, so it was really easy to remember our 3 month, 6 month, 9 month, and yearly anniversary..

Things went perfect for the first 3 months.. I mean there was no actual contact because we wanted to take it slow...

It was our 6 month that we went fucking wild. I mean.. We did everything I could have every dreamed of.. I lost my virginity, 69 (which was weird as fuck at the time because I had no idea how to eat a girl out), and fingered her for her first time.. But after that things started go bad..

She started to become sex crazed.. And started getting into S & M and everything.. Like she wanted to take full fucking control of the situation and I was powerless to do anything.. Everytime I tried to act or move she would fucking swipe at me.. She was fucking rough as all hell and did not give a fuck if I was in pain or not..

Sex isn't fun 2 seconds after you come when you're trying to recooporate and she doesn't give you a chance to rest.. On top of it all.. She stopped shaving completely... At out 9 month she was so fucking hairy it was disgusting..

I couldn't even see any more fucking skin.. I don't know why I stayed with her for so long.. Maybe it was because she was my first.. At our 9 month things went from bad, to fucking horrible. She became irritable and tired all the time.. To the point where she would fucking fall asleep during sex.. The last time we made love, she fell asleep on me with all of her fucking disgusting hairy glory.. I had enough at this point and decided to take action. I get up and fucking yell at her and wake her up. It was about this time that I realized why she swiped at me, why she was hairy and why she was sleeping during the latter seasons.. She was a fucking bear. I never saw her again. I have been scarred for life.

SMITE SMITE SMITE[edit]

SMITE SMITE SMITE.png

Anonymous quickly slid his copy of the D&D monster manual between his Algebra and bio books and closed his locker door. If he was to survive the afternoon he would have to move quickly. He pulled up his hood, trying to look inconspicuous, and turned around, only to come face to face with the flawless white tabard of the captain of the paladins.

"WHITHER GOEST THOU, KNAVE?!" he demanded, his voice loud despite the muffling of his visored greathelm.

"I was just getting my books, leave me alone." said Anonymous. He felt the hairs rising on the back of his neck; the armored bulk of the members of the Paladin squad blocked the hallway entirely.

"I POSTED AN EDICT BANNING YOU FROM THIS CORRIDOR, KNAVE!" The captain roared. His lieutenant looked up from his breviary and addressed no one in particular:

"METHINKS THE HERETIC LOOKS TO BE SMOTE!"

"NOoooo!" cried Anonymous, dodging away from the tightening circle of paladins. "Leave me alooone!" he yelled as he ran toward the stairway for all he was worth, the clanking of plates against chainmail close behind him.

"SMITE! SMITE! SMITE!" The cry echoed from the concrete walls.

'Somebody heeellllp!" he cried as the paladins lifted him bodily across the school courtyard. At their captain's encouragement they broke into a run.

"SMITE! SMITE! SMITE!" the paladins let anonymous go on the upswing, and for a brief second he was weightless, coasting through the air, until he landed with a squishy thud in the fetid darkness of the cafeteria dumpster.

"THY WILL BE DONE OH LORD," the paladins intoned as they slammed the lid.

Anonymous waited until their hymns of triumph faded in the distance before dragging himself clumsily out, shaking, stained and stinking. He felt he could burst into tears any second, but the varsity cheerwenches were there, giggling at his discomfiture.


fuck you NEWFAF[edit]

no one fucking cares about you op. if you think for one SECOND anon is going to help you your wrong big time chump cuz annon does not care at all. i hope next time you smoke you cough so much you die durg addict looser. here at b we want you to suffer and well laugh at you the whole way so gtfo faggot and take your fail with you because we dont EVER want you here again. I am one of the big shots at b u could say and I want you fucking gone. you dont want to fuck with any annons bcause were gonna make your life hell if you do. never forget or forgive so you have been warn. stay away from 4chan b or your face the consequeuences and I fucking know your not gong to like them when your info is plastered on the web so fuck you NEWFAF

Retard Blowjob[edit]

sup faggots,

i know you assholes like offensive shit and good stories and since I was supposed to go out tonight and my friends bailed on me and I'm retarded bored I figure ill tell you the story of the most offensive and "/b"-ish thing I've ever done.

90% of you faggots are gonna ignore this or not believe it but hopefully this piques the interest of a few of you virgins out there because I'm wasting my time to type it out.

Okay so I'm 24 now.. but this whole story all started back when I was 16 and living in New Hampshire. I got in trouble for selling weed at my school.. not a big deal since my high school was like druggie central.. full of like mega stoners and much harder stuff then weed.. but I mean.. I was stupid and I got caught selling on school ground so it was my fault.

I got suspended for 10 days like is the normal crime but because I had gotten in trouble before, they made me join some stupid rehabilitation program after school hours once a week. It was pretty stupid but a few of my friends were in it, so I dealt with it. If I had skipped the sessions it would have just caused more shit and it wasn't worth the trouble so I'd just go every wednesday and smoke a bowl after with a few of my friends from the group.

Anyways.. about halfway through my time in the rehab sessions they gave me the option of doing a once a week mentor volunteer shit with a group of like mentally challenged kids and kids with crazy diseases and stuff. My best friends little brother was like full-blown mentally challenged and was in the group, and he had been volunteering with them for years so I thought it might be actually kinda smart to quit these stupid sessions and instead do a once a week thing with my pal and his little brother.

So I started in with this group of sick and retarded kids and stuff and it was pretty easy and the kids all had good hearts and stuff so it was fun. But after the first week they assigned me to a little girl.. a total lost cause. I was really hoping they'd stick me in the same group as my friend and his brother but instead I was supposed to buddy up with this girl who's last mentor had gone to juvy for some stupid shit (go figure). Anyways this girl was totally sad, she was like 11 years old.. totally sick.. She had this elephant-man like disease, I don't know what it was but her nose smushed over like half her face and she her cheek bones pushed all up over her left eye so you could barely see it. Her face basically looked like it was made from jello and had been hit with a baseball bat and all smushed up on the left side.

Apparently because of her dissability she was blind in one eye and also deaf on her left side. She was super hard to understand when she spoke.. like most deaf people.. mostly because her mouth was all fucked up like the rest of her face. But she had a good heart. She was only 11 but she joked about her disease and was actually pretty cool about it, not totally depressing and awkward like some of the other kids.

So anyways I got to know this girl pretty well.. we didn't do much, just played chess and checkers and stuff. It was only like 2 hours a week for 2 months so after it was over I didn't have any intention of ever seeing her again. But like I said, she was sweet... never set out to hurt anyone or anything.

So anyways... 5 years later... Just after my 21st birthday.. I'm on summer vacation, just finished my 3rd year at UNH, and I'm home and everything. So one night I go out with a couple friends from high school who were all 21 and had all been gone away at different colleges. We all went out to drinking to catch up and stuff.. we had done this like every summer since school started. It was nice to see high school friends, you know the deal if you've been to college.

Anyways, one of the kids there was my friend with the challenged brother, my best friend from high school. He was going to school in Vermont on some scholarship and I barely ever talked to him anymore but I asked him how his brother was. Apparently he was in some cutesy faux-relationship with Daisy... the girl who I had mentored for the two months. I thought it was cute.. I mean they were both ugly and retarded so its not like the relationship meant anything.. but it was cute in the way that its cute when 2 little 3 year olds are dating cause of their parents or whatever.

But apparently my friend had been talking to this girl and she was like.. in love with me. She was only 11 when we met so it was one of those little girl crushes but apparently she would go on and on about how fun I was and now nice I was and how funny I was. Apparently those 2 months really stuck with her. Anyways.. we were all really drunk so my moron friends were like "dude.. you should totally go fuck the retard."

This was not a good idea.

Normally I would have laughed it off, but I was pretty drunk and I was a pretty dumb kid back then (remember just a few years earlier I was dealing pot in high school). So I asked them how much they'd pay me if I got head from the girl with the deformed face. Of the 5 guys there, 3 said they'd pay me, and each offered to throw in 20 bucks. Not a lot of money, but the novelty of the story would be the best prize.

I don't know why I didn't instantly shrug off the idea, because at this point she was like 16 or 17 years old.. and I was 21. Not to mention she was half blind, half deaf, half mute, and basically an elephant man. But I thought it would be like "epic" or something. So I just wanted to dip my feet in the water and see if I could even talk to this girl after all these years.

So I got my friend to take me along on a "playdate" or whatever they called it with his retarded brother and Daisy. Instantly she recognized me as soon as the three of us showed up at her house to pick her up. She didn't give me a hug or anything and was still super awkward and shy.. but her speech had improved and she had a decent set of tits and had definitely grown a lot taller. I spent most of the car ride sitting next to her in the back of my friends car and asking her about school and small talk and stuff. I made up some phony bullshit story about my girlfriend dumping me and not being able to trust women and she obviously fell for it.. she was 16 and retarded.. I didn't really have to try with her.

So we finally get to the park where the two kids were supposed to hang out, but she just wanted to sit on the bench and talk to me.. she completely ignored my friends little brother. My friend was getting kind of pissed, cause he had been there at the bar when I was joking about trying to get head from her. But I just kept waving him off, so he went and took his little brother to go play somewhere else in the park and left me and Daisy alone.

While we were sitting on the bench I kept up with my stupid girlfriend story and was basically just trying to get this 16 year old girl to have some sort of pity (as fake as it was) for me. Looking back it was completely slimy and disgusting.. but I mean.. thats kind of the point of the story. So eventually after a while I brought up what my friend had said about her always talking about me and maybe "having a crush on me" and she got super embarassed and said we should probably go hang out with Jim and Rick (the two brothers). I told her I was sorry about bringing it up and was just kidding and I took her over to play with them.

After that we all went and got Ice Cream and Pizza and shit and it was super boring cause I figured the whole joke was lost anyways and this girl was too embarrassed to even talk to me or whatever. But as we were dropping her off after the restaurant she put her cell phone number in my phone and told me to text her (not call her cause I couldn't understand her over the phone) if I ever wanted to vent about my ex-girlfriend.

As soon as I got home I texted her, basically rolling on the floor laughing as I was doing it, that "hanging out with her today really took some of the hurt away from my failed relationship". Once again like to remind you guys.. shes 16.. im 21.. and shes basically retarded. She texted back like immediately and was like "oh im so glad.. maybe we can hang out again soon." I texted back "you name the date." And her response was "tomorrow".

At this point I was starting to regret my decision because she actually seemed legitimately interested and I realized that she actually might have a crush on me and this might seriously go somewhere. The whole time I had been playing like a joke, not actually expecting anything to happen. But I figured that if I actually went through with it then I would be moving back to college soon anyways and wouldn't see her or anyone else from my old high school ever again and plus I'd have the most epic story to tell all of my friends and shit.. so I decided to make a meeting time to see this girl and I told her I'd pick her up for a movie the next night.

So next day rolls around and I'm actually getting really excited.. I hadn't really pursued anyone for a while and it can be super fun trying to get laid on a first date. This was obviously a different situation but it was much easier and much more difficult in many ways then going after a normal girl. I picked her up, brought her to the theater, bought her ticket, bought her all the food she wanted, and took her into the theater.

Now my local theater in NH has those liftable armrests, I dont know if every theater has those or not, but they are basically for fat people or couples who wanna get super close during movies. Its an easy way to try and make a move on a girl by seeing her reaction to lifting the armrest separator between your two seats. Partway through the movie (after some fake groans and shoulder readjustments on my part during the first 20 or so minutes), I asked Daisy if she'd mind if I lifted up the armrest, as it was bothering me. She didn't, so I did.. and she moved in closer to me. I seriously started to get hard at that point, not cause she was even remotely attractive, just cause I was so excited and knew I was in for an epic night. I didn't hesitate for a second and put my arm around her and she looked up at me and smiled and laid her head on my chest. I literally looked up at the roof and closed my eyes and just mouthed "oh hell yes". I was so fucking excited.

So here is where the shit gets intense (all you guys who thought this story was lame.. this is the good stuff.. I swear). Now this girl is laying there with her head on my chest, my arm around her, watching the movie, and she makes the next move.. I swear to god. She puts her hand right on my thigh, pretty high up too, like right near my cock. Now those following closely would remember that I had got excited before, and was sporting a nice hard on (not ridiculously stiff, but like maybe 70%), and she put her hand right dead on it. I like jumped for a second and then just tried to play it off as if I didn't even notice and kept watching the movie. She just started rubbing it back and forth tenderly.. as if it was like my shoulder or something. I literally couldn't even believe it. This girl was 16 and dating a retarded kid, I had reason to believe she had 0 sexual experience before.. but maybe I was wrong.. I still don't know to this day. Anyways.. shes just sitting there like stroking my cock through my pants and resting her head on my chest, not saying a word.. still watching the movie. As if nothing is going on.

So after like 2 minutes of this im like rock solid hard. Like 110%. She's basically jerking me off at this point.. and I know she knows it too because my cock is like bursting through my pants. I have no idea what to do now because shes basically just rubbing my crotch for the whole movie. I didn't know whether to make a move, ask her to stop.. or whatever. But luckily she once again, made the next movie. She (not even looking mind you, eyes (or should I say eye) still on the movie) starts unbuttoning my pants and just takes out my dick. Luckily we were in a pretty empty theater, and as any guy whos ever gotten any in a theater knows.. as long as theres no one behind you a theater is a pretty discrete place to get lucky. But now my dick is fully out in the air.. and shes just got her hand balled around it like a fucking golf club..

Id like to take a second and prove I'm not copypastaing or just making shit up or whatever and address you guys and say I know 90% of you think this is bullshit and that its "terrible writing op" and that I say "So anyways" too much.. but for all the time you guys spend on /b/ you should know the difference between fake shit and real shit and you should know that fucked up shit like this really does happen. The fact that this girl was fugly as all sin is just even more of an indicator that shes the type of person who would whip out a guy's dick in a movie theater five years her senior. So back to the story..

So anyways (fuck you jerks), I'm sitting there watching a movie with a half blind, half deaf, half retarded smushed face girl holding my dick out in plain sight. Then... after just holding it for a few seconds, she finally takes her concertration of the movie and just basically attacks my dick with her mouth. She opens as wide as she can (which isn't very wide mind you) and just swallows my fucking cock. Now I'm not huge or even really big or anything.. but I'm not like a little pricked asshole like most of you /b/tards.. Im a good over 9000 inches, but this girl basically swalloed my dick whole. She had almost the entire thing in her mouth, as if shes been doing this for years (or maybe she just has no gag reflex or whatever.. I have no clue). But she just goes to town and starts running a train on my junk.

Now for all of you people who have never had a blowjob.. its hard to describe how they feel. The lips usually are super soft and the mouth is wet and it assuming they do it properly it just feels incredible. I usually cum pretty quick from a good blowjob just cause it feels so good.. but this was like no blowjob I've ever recieved. If you remember correctly half of this girls mouth was effectively scar tissue, so while half of my dick was being blown my soft wet lips, the other half was against this hard dry skin.. literally the weirdest most awkward thing Ive ever felt in my life. It didn't hurt but it basically robbed any pleasure out of the equation, especially since the side of her face that was showing was her fucked up side. It looked like harvey dent and the elephant man's love child was giving me head and it felt so god damn weird.

So since I know I'm not gonna be able to cum just from this ugly 16 year old girl sucking my dick I start to like close my eyes and try to picture some fantasies and shit like that hoping that just the motion from her disgusting face will make me cum and just end this whole thing so I could take her home, never talk to her again, and get 60 bucks from my friends. So I'm sitting there picture hot moms and teachers and stuff that I had scene in various web porn and shit when all of a sudden she starts choking. Now remember.. this girl is half deaf, so she does not know when she is being loud.. but she was being FUCKING LOUD. She starts gagging and choking and making the most horrible noises ever. I push her off my cock, but not before the people sitting two rows in front of me stand up and turn around and see me. I shove my dick back in my pants as they just stare at me.. completely appalled, and my 16 year old freak date is like coughing up spit and mucus and shit into her hand.

I was so embarassed at this point and actually kinda freaked out (I didn't know the legality of this, but was pretty sure that being caught with a 16 year old retard going down on you in public wasn't a good idea). So I grabbed her hand (she was still gagging and shit), and ran her down the stairs towards the lobby. Of course... creepy couple from 2 rows ahead of me starts following.

As I'm darting through the lobby, holding this girls hand.. the guy from the couple in front of me grabs my shoulder and turns me around. He tells me that hes a teacher at the school and knows Daisy and wants to know how old I am and why I was with her at the movie theater. I told him I was 18 and Daisy's boyfriend.. of course he didn't believe a word of it and demanded I stay while he went and grabbed theater management.

Daisy just looked and me and kept saying she was sorry and that she didn't want me to get in trouble and that she'd lie for me and stuff. The theater management came over and asked us to go sit in the office for a bit while they talked to the couple from a few rows ahead of us. Of course... this is when things get fucked up again.

As we are sitting alone in the office, Daisy runs up, slams the door.. locks it, and runs over in front of me and starts taking off her shit. Now remember before I said she had developed some decent tits... they were NOT DECENT at all once she had taken off her shit. She had the most fucking ugly nipples I had ever seen (to coincide with her horrible face) and her tits were basically purple with veins and marks and shit... Almost puke inducing.. like that bad. But of course we are sitting in a random movie theater's office... with the door locked.. and this retarded underage girl is stripping in front of me. This was NOT a good situation for me.

I grabbed her shirt off the floor and told her to stop and that the crew was coming back and that wed get into major trouble but she just kept pushing the shirt away and saying "nooo.. noo... I love you.. I love you." At this point I wanted to like kill myself for ever having thought this would be funny or whatever.. because no matter how this ended.. I was completely and totally fucked.

So I'm trying to get her to cover up her horrendous decayed jack-o-lantern tits when theres a knock on the door and the theater guy is like "open up.. open up or we will call the police."

Of course I can't open up with retard girl half naked so I started shouting for him to hold on. At first I figured they would use a key to open the door or whatever but I later found out he had left the keys inside of the office and the other supervisor/manager was on break at the time.. along with the other set of keys. So the theater guy was banging away at the door.. Daisy had managed to her her pants off along with the shirt, so she was wearing nothing but a gross pair of white underwear, boots and socks, and I was standing there basically shitting my pants.

So bascially my plan that I had formed at the moment (maybe not the best, but I was really strapped for time and couldn't think of anything) was to convince Daisy that I would take her home and have sex with her (I know.. disgusting), if she agreed to get on all her clothes and leave the theater with me. Finally I convinced her and, in tears, she started gathering up her clothes. By this time the theater guy had stopped knocking and I was starting to fear that he had actually called the police.

As soon as Daisy was dressed, I grabbed her hand.. told her a quick fib about how we were boyfriend and girlfriend and I was from Vermont visiting an old family friend and that my name was (some fake shit I had made up, I don't even remember). She was crying but agreed and so I opened the door to greet the theater manager (and in all likelihood a police officer) when I saw another friend from highschool waiting at the door. He whispered to me that his manager was calling the cops and that I should bolt and he wouldn't rat on me. I grabbed my shit and ran to the car out of the managment's emergency exit door, before the manager or anyone else could see me.

Of course.. shit just got worse as soon as I got to my car. Apparently even though I thought shit would finally be okay once I got out of the theater.. Daisy had decided she couldn't wait until we got home, and that she would run back inside and tell on me unless I had sex with her right there in the car.

So there we are in the car, with this girl trying to get me to fuck her right there.. and I'm trying to bargain and reason with her because I cant drive off, as shes got the door wide open, ready to bolt and basically get me arrested. I ask her if she'll settle for me kissing her now and all this shit, or if shell let me drive to her another spot.. and shes not going for any of it. Finally I tell her that Ill get in the back seat and make out with her if she lets me drive to the back of the theater (where theres nothing but like a dumpster and some recycle bins). She agrees and I do so.. At this point I'm willing to do anything to just shut this bitch up and get out of this situation. I put up my all my windows (luckily they are tinted), and go sit with her in the back seat. My plan was just to make out with her for a couple minutes, maybe go to second base and shit.. and then drive her home and put an end to this.

However, my plan didn't really come into frutition as this girl was HELL BENT on having sex with me. First she tore off her shirt again, just like she had in the theater office.. and then got bother her pants and her panties off.

By the way.. side note.. this girl had a horrible face, fucked up senses.. disgusting tits.. but her pussy was actually normal. I would never have expected it, but it actually wasnt all fucked up and distorted like the rest of her body.. Just an interesting fact I thought I'd let you guys know.

So at this point I'm willing to go as far as I have to go to get out of this situation. I'm actually scared that I could go to jail or get arrested or whatever for all sorts of shit so I just want to please this girl, shut her up, and get her home.

So I start making out with her like normal.. and she is like super super aggressive. By the way.. making out with her and her disgusting frog face is even worse than the blowjob was. Its like kissing a girl if half her face was a fucking redwood tree. Half hard-bark, half soft skin.

So anyways, I'm making out with this girl and before I even touch her pussy she starts like moaning like shes having a full blown orgasm. Shes like "ohhhh this" and "oh yeahhh that" and its starting to freak me out cause I'm thinking this girl might actually be completely gone in the head. At this point I realize I'm not gonna get away from this unless I get myself in her pussy somehow, but I didn't have any condoms or anything, not that I even wanted to put my dick in her, but it was just more reason not to. So I start sticking my finger in her and doing my thing.

This was like the only solace that I had from the entire event.. the fact that this girls VAGINA actually felt and looked like a VAGINA, and that she actually responded as most girls do when being fingered. She kept on moaning and shit and I was pretty sure that if I kept it up I could make her cum and get her home without any more fuss. Now my normal routine when fingering a girl is to go from making out to her, to feeling her up, to sucking on her tits and stuff.. kinda keep her excited. But devotees will remember she had tits like shrunken heads.. so I basically was forced to make out with her troll face the entire time.. not fun for me.

So there I am, fingering this gross retarded 16 year old girl in the back of a movie theater parking lot trying to get her to come so I can take her home, ditch her, and never speak to her again to avoid arrest or worse... when she finally orgasms.

This would be the happiest moment of my life. As shes sitting there, she grabs onto my shoulders, tightens her grip like a fucking cougar, and just cums all over my hand. I've never had a girl cum as much as this 16 year old did.. and I probably never will. But there she was.. cumming and moaning in that godawful voice of hers.. and all I could think about was that it was finally over. That was until she looked at me, and I finally saw what was behind her disfigured face. In all my years in New Hampshire, I had never seen a bear this big before. Her eyes locked with mine.. fangs bared, she attacked me. The biggest brown bear I could ever imagine.. as if it was lusting for a giant pot of honey, ripping my face to shreds. Fur went flying in every direction, my hand covered in come was useless to defend with. Daisy-bear started tearing up the seats in my car, I had no choice but to exit the car and look for shelter. Of course it was futile. She dragged me out into the woods behind the theater and had her way with me. To this day I am confined to a wheelchair because of the beating that Daisy inflicted on me.

The end.

100$ Serious[edit]

>> I've just realized... America is shit. Britain ruled the world for hundreds of years and we can't even take down Vietnam and get constantly bullied by shitty countries like NK and Iran. The realization just hit me, holy shit.

yea making fun of the united states is so funny, so funny i forgot to laugh. If you wanna talk like that to me why don't you come here and say it to me face so i can answer your insults with a swift fist to the nose. yea you have a lot to say from hundreds of miles away but i bet if my fists were in reach of your face you would be like a tv on mute with no volume button So do yourself a favor and keep your mouth shut unless you want to die. Next time you think about saying something like that to me I want you to remember one thing. I know the guy that created google maps and I can locate you in the time it took me to type this.Don't want anymore problems....didn't think so faggots. You have any idea what gorilla warfare is? I do, I was in the US Marine Core and I perfected it. I'm fully capable of using it on you motherfuckers. Do you know the dander you're in if I find you? I am 100$ serious. Bunch of god damn newfaf loser here and I will not have it. At least I've had sex, had girlfriends, and gotten laid, and blowjobbed unlike you virgin pieces of unpatriotic SHIT!

Doodlebops[edit]

Doodlebops.jpg

Let's say the Doodlebops perform at your local performance center, and you're an attendee. The crowd and audience is rather violent, plagued by fights, bypassed weapons, drinking, and drugs. The Doodlebops play their opening song "We're the Doodlebops" and while the two Doodlebops ask where their fellow Doodlebop, Moe, is, Moe bolts back on the stage. A man throws a broken bottle at Moe, which angers him. Moe then produces what appears to be a .45-caliber semi-automatic Glock handgun, as the beat of the rythmn progresses, and unloads all 10 of the bullets in its magazine. You get hit by four of the 10 rounds, two of them hitting your head. Six other people are injured, three by gunshot wounds, and the other three by the panicing stampede. All three gunshot victims and a stampede victim are treated, and are released sometime by the next week, but you are in the hospital for weeks.

How would you deal with the situation knowing your life has been threatened with bullets? How do you want to get back at Moe, who is now imprisoned and awaiting trail on attempted murder, assault and weapon charges?

Five facts which will ruin a /b/tard's (non-existant) sex life[edit]

1: Lolis are dry and too tight to fuck. They may look nice, but try to penetrate one and all you're gonna manage is an inch of dick, max, and it'll be dry as a bone and uncomfortable for you both. You are no longer as interested in loliraep as you were.

2: Raping adults is harder than you'd think. Even a puny little 5ft2 teen girl will have a dry cunt, be forcing her twatmuscles together, wriggling like a fucking rabbit in a frying pan and punching/kicking you in the face. To rape a girl you need three people - one to hold her arms, one to hold her legs, which means 2/3 of you will be sloshing your dick around in semen while you fuck her, and you'll need to use lube, which negates somewhat from the thought of your cock being surrounded by delicious teenage cuntfluid. You are now less turned on by rape fantasies.

3: Sex isn't as fun as you virgins imagine it to be. It's often more satisfying, but you have a lot less control over the speed, angles and so on. Orgasms are generally more intense while fapping. Cunts are just squelchy wet meat. You are now less excited about losing your virginity.

4: The things she says to you, she has said to every boyfriend. Those cute, unique little things you think you inspired in her, are just part of her normal routine mating ritual. She told the last guy she loved him more than anyone she'd ever met too. You are now feeling empty and let down.

5: You are now massively aware that your shyness and social anxiety could well prove so serious that you never get to have a proper, long term relationship anyway. You may be 'one of those guys' who dies a virgin, or only ever fucks fat/ugly chicks.

tl;dr: Enjoy hand.


Fuck the police, I aint getin no ticket[edit]

alright so im tryin to go home from the skatepark, take a shower and go up to river riot with some pplz, (river riot brings way to fuckin many people) and ive been in the same spot for almost a fuckin hour now. so im like fuck this shit and decide to drive down the emergency lane. lol right past the cops that are directing traffic. dude flags me down i slow down and wait till he gets close and just keep goin haha. fuck them they dont even fuckin know how to direct traffic so they aint gonna give me no fuckin ticket for drivin on the wrong part of the road and the faggot would of also gave me one for my subs just to be a dick. man he got so pissed when i smiled at him as i went by. he went and ran to his car but could go anywhere becase his car was on the other side of the cars. so i just cruzed like 6 miles down the emergency road to get home lol.

See Also[edit]