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Cows are large, living hunks of steak and other delicious food products. They are raised and butchered in redneck American states and other shitty places, such as India and Texas. However, for some reason Indian people worship cows as gods and let them roam around and shit all over their cities and towns, instead of putting them to proper use. It is widely believed that cows are the most delicious animals on Earth, and they are often fattened until they are butchered and converted into beef for tacos and enchiladas as well as other yummy foods like burgers and steak, much to the displeasure of PETA and other animal-rights activists. Female cows are also raised on farms, and frequently experience the pleasure of having their nipples yanked and squeezed by bearded, gun-wielding rednecks until the bucket is full of delicious white liquid, which is then hauled off to grocery stores and sold at ridiculous prices.
A cow's anatomy consists of 25% milk, 25% steak, 25% beef, 10% Bacon and 85% prions, if you wondered about the question "Where's the beef?" well it's inside of the cows and in order to get it out of them we just ask nice like and they hand it over no problem - not really. Really what happens is the cow gets sent to a plant in some shit hole to die, first a local mouth breather shoots a bolt into it's brain and then the cow is ripped apart much like your dog rips apart your sisters toys.
Despite the fact that cows are some of the stupidest animals on the planet they are more useful than a bag full of McGuivers. Rip their skin off (more fun to do when they are alive) send it to some kids in Asia, pay them 15 cents an hour and a few weeks later they'll send you some new Nikes. Cut them up all tricky like and toss them on the grill (again more fun when they are alive) and make yourself a smorgasbord of yummy steaks and burgers. Really nothing is better than a hunk of cow cooked just right and still dripping blood. The truth is that if we didn't wear and eat cows (and toss their bones to our dogs) there would be absolutely no reason for them to exist. Hitler actually wanted to start out with killing all the cows but in a side by side comparison he realized that medium-rare Joos taste lots, lots worse than cows and so the kikes had to go first (this is a true story, swear!)
Some fun things to do with cows
- Eat them.
- Wear them.
- Turn them into sporting equipment. (baseballs, footballs, gloves, basketballs etc.) and toss and kick them around the yard.
- Tip them over.
- Drink their milk with cookies.
- Turn them into bondage and fetish clothing and fuck other pervs.
- Dry them out and make them into chewy jerky.
Cows are so fucking useful it's amazing that we can't get high smoking them. Seriously. In the same way Asians make all sorts of stuff with rice (rice paper, rice milk, popcorn and um rice) Americans make shit with cows.
Dumbest animal in existence
It's quite funny considering how much the human race has taken advantage of a creature as big and strong as cows. We grind them up into hamburgers and feed them to fat people at shitty restaurants, rip their skin off and make it into Nikes, and repeat the process with their children. Any other animal would've at least shown some sign of rebellion but fortunately, cows are some of the dumbest creatures outside of the internet
Mad Cow disease
Mad Cow disease was a disease cows got from niggers. It's essentially their version of AIDS and has fortunately faded away into obscurity despite it still going strong.
What do prions have to do with mad cow disease?
You could say prions are the mysterious proteins that cause Mad Cow Disease (Bovine spongiform encephalopathy if you want to get serious, which we don't).
Actuality prions are aliens sent in starships from a galaxy not too far away. Prions are invisible and come to rape you when you're dreaming about naughty things like sex with cows or your first lay (your stepfather).
Prions have built many civilizations in the past but we have yet to learn more about them though so we suspect the British are descendants of the Prion empire. Evidence has yet to turn up as Prions are not yet materialized in actual form.... yet. Keep your wet pants on.
The fact remains, however, that prions are like if cancer and AIDS had a baby. Prions will anally devastate your brain until you die, 100% of the time. Also, there is no cure and your body's immune system can't fight them. Try not to get them, because if you do, no one will attend your funeral.
In case you're still five years old and wonder where cow milk comes from, here it is: Underneath the cow is a giant fat sack with four fleshy knobs poking out of it. These knobs are called "utters". The milk is obtained by getting a bucket, placing it under the utters, and pulling on the them. Most of the time this ends with the person milking the cow getting bucked after trying to pull a move on the cow, most farmers are animal-humping rednecks after-all.
Boy or Girl Cow
How do you tell the difference? You will have to learn this on your own, the hard way. Realistically you better get to this before the cow comes to you in the form of a BigMac because by then it's really impossible to tell, and, well, if you eat ground up male cow dick (and you probably have, seriously what do you think meat by-products are anyway?) it might make you a fag.
Note: There is no such thing as a male cow. Anyone who calls a bull a male cow is likely to buy a new monitor and say they bought a new computer and then complain how nothing is running faster. Or maybe they're total fags and/or tards.
Note: My computer isn't running faster...
Of course, seeing as people will be people, we will eventually end up using animals for personal enjoyment by first poking colorful little stick in their backs and then stabbing them repeatedly with a sword. Unfortunately, some fag will fuck up every once in a while and get a marvelous looking deepthroat from big Tyson. Either that or he will just get stabbed in the throat with a horn.
How to troll cows...
Despite what others may think, trolling cows can be pretty lulzy and very entertaining to spend time, especially if you have no fucking life whatsoever. Due to the lack of intelligence of the cow as well as very bleak and doomed futures, you can say that trolling them can be well worth your while. Furthermore, you wouldn't have to worry about those ASPCA and PETA Nazis hunting your ass down because they're usually Jew-operating organizations who honestly don't give a shit about animals, let alone a fucking cow:
- Kick a cow in the genitals and run
- Cut off one of their utters with a pair of pliers
- Drive one of those big-assed, monstrous farming tractors and tip the cow over on its backside (this technique was actually taped on camera by one of those animal-rights' activists and shown on YouTube; while it caused major fury from butthurt treehuggers everywhere, it did ensure much lulz)
is part of a series on
Bad things that happen to animals