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Crap

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Crap or "brown gold" can either be used literally when talking about fæces or figuratively to describe something as being of fucktard quality. Some argue that crap is sexually arousing, but they are mistaken. Crap also passes for any article found in Uncyclopedia. Not to be confused with crapp.

Contents

Ooh eeh ooh ah ah ting tang walla walla bing bang

Libraries approve of shit

The word crap is the retarded sibling of shit which is much more offensive and entertaining. If wanting to pwn someone or incite funny internet drama, thus increasing the lulz, don’t use this word, you’ll just make a dickhead of yourself.

Crap also plays an important part in teh English language. It can be used for damn near anything. Examples include, but are not limited to, teh following:

  • Holy crap!
  • Hey, you stepped in some crap.
  • I ain't puttin' up with your crap.
  • Bullcrap! (Used in objection.)
  • This is a crap movie

Funny crap

Poop Back and Forth

Scene from the movie: "Me and You and Everyone We Know", in this amazing scene a underage sea nigger meets a older white female online and engages in cyber scat sex. The young sea nigger boy then meets the older white female in a park an shares a kiss.

Uses

Tasteful cake decoration

Literal crap can be located in a toilet, up your nose or on your mother's chest. It is made when your body rejects the disgusting junk you ate which probably includes cum as you are a filthy, dirty whore. It usually comes in solid form but is known to liquefy if your stomach has a moment of clarity where it realises just how pathetic a loser you are and decides to make you constantly shit yourself in front of everyone. It smells terrible so if you plan to put it in someone’s food you’ll need to disguise this.

The toilet is generally regarded as the best place to crap but other options include on a lawn, on a car, in someone's mouth, or Gaiaonline. These options are even more fun if you don’t have permission to do them but will need planning to avoid inevitable prison where you will be gang raped by Bubba, making Goatse look like a virgin.

It has been common knowledge that if you shove food up your ass you will crap out your mouth. This is in fact a healthier crapping option and is recommended based on extensive research done on an episode of South Park.

Revenge

"Man, this party sucks... I'll let 'em know how I feel with an Upper Decker."

The Upper Decker: The act of defecating in the upper tank of the toilet. When the next poor unsuspecting person flushes the toilet they get a bowl of beef stew or a top tank clogged with a log. The Upper Decker is a weapon of terror and should only be used on people who deserve it. Below are step by step instructions:

  1. Turn on the sink if possible to help mask the sounds of the dirty deed.
  2. Stealthily remove the lid from the back tank of the toilet.
  3. Stand on the toilet seat and steady your cheeks directly above the back tank.
  4. Begin defecating while trying to keep as quiet as possible.
  5. When finished wipe all remaining fecal spatter from your anus and hide the used toilet paper. Between the pages of a magazine or under the bathroom sink is a good hiding place. (or just leave it in the top tank.)
  6. Quietly replace the lid to the back tank of the toilet.
  7. Casually exit the bathroom and perhaps even the premises.
  8.  ????.
  9. PROFIT

PROTIP: For extra points and many lulz, remove the chain from the flush handle so they have to reach into the shit-water to get the toilet to work.

Types of Crap

The English are experts on Crap.

Excerpt from My Studies on Crap.

"Hard Crap"

This is usually the first crap that comes out of your rectum. It is hard, yet supple, and has a nice texture and consistency. Unless you're constipated, this crap feels lovely when it slowly leaves your bowels. Usually, the color is a nice dark brown. And, if you haven't had enough fiber in the day, there should be some chunks of last night's tuna or cabbage floating around"—Coloring with Nelson

Floaters

Farts? In my shit?

HOLY SHIT! MOAR POOP!

Stolen from a website that refers to shit as "poop":

  • GHOST Poop: The kind where you feel the Poop come out, but there is no Poop in the toilet. aka the Brown October
  • CLEAN Poop: The kind where you Poop it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the paper.
  • SATISFYING Poop: The kind where once you're done, you feel as though you've lost fifty pounds. You leave with a sense of accomplishment.
  • WET Poop: The kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and it still feels un-wiped, so you have to put some toilet paper

between your butt and your underwear so you don't ruin them with a stain.

  • DECEPTIVE Poop: The kind where you feel like you're about to shit a torpedo, but it turns out to be CORN poop.
  • SECOND WAVE Poop: This happens when you're done Pooping and you've pulled your pants up to your knees, and you realize that you have to Poop some more.
  • POP-A-VEIN-IN-YOUR-FOREHEAD-Poop: The kind where you strain so much to get it out, you practically have a stroke.
  • LINCOLN LOG Poop: The kind of Poop that is so huge you're afraid to flush without first breaking it into little pieces with the toilet brush.
  • GASSY Poop: It's so noisy, everyone within earshot giggles.
  • BEERIOD Poop: The kind of Poop you have the morning after a night of drinking. Its most noticeable trait is the skid marks on the bottom of the toilet.
  • CORN Poop: (Self-explanatory)
  • GEE-I-WISH-I-COULD-Poop-Poop: The kind where you want to Poop, but all you do is sit on the toilet and fart a few times.
  • 'SPINAL TAP Poop: This is when it hurts so badly coming out you'd swear it was leaving you sideways.
  • WET CHEEKS Poop: (Also known as "The Power Dump", or "The Cannonball"). The kind that comes out of your butt so fast, your butt cheeks get splashed with water.
  • LIQUID Poop: The kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out of your butt and splashes all over the toilet bowl.
  • Pablo's Revenge: (Also known as "Mexicindigestion") You ate out at a Mexican restaurant and were an hero on the salsa. You may have gained the respect of your amigos, but there's a price to pay: an extremely unsatisfied feeling after pooping , and flaming butt cheeks for a day.
  • UPPER-CLASS Poop: The kind of Poop that has no odor.
  • THE SURPRISE Poop: You are not at the toilet because you think you are about to fart but...oops...a sneaky Poop flies out.
  • DANGLING Poop: This Poop refuses to drop into the toilet even though you know you are done Pooping it. You just pray that a shake or two will cut it loose.

The Many Colors of Crap

A New York Times Bestseller

Crap is usually a dark shade of brown. However, not unliek the Gay hanky code, the same shit can come in many different colors:

Red: Too much beets. Or it could be the result of surprise buttsecks.

Orange: You're a druggie who steals ur mom's meds.

Black: A lot of white girls have something black in their arseholes. This is not unusual.

Blue-green: You've eaten food with too much food coloring, such as Fruit Gushers. Go ahead. Eat 3 bags and see what happens. Hint? Lulz.

Green: You either drank a shamrock shake or ate Cap'n Crunch Crunch Berry cereal.

Greyish-Green: You have a cold. Not uncommom for babies. But it eventually gets awwright!

Yellow: You have a disease. You're going to inevitably shit yourself to death. It means you have too much fat in your poop and you're not absorbing any nutrients.

Purple: What the Fuck???

White: That's not shit, faggot. You can get white shit from eating sufficient amounts of white chocolate, it is literally the funniest shit you've ever seen. It could also mean she sucked your dick "till da shit turn white" (Colt 45). Or it could mean you have renal failure and need to get your ass to the emergency room NAO.

Scat

ZOMG I'd hit it!
I'm sorry, that's not okay
Cathy, eating shit pasta, made out of her husband's shit.

The Scat fetish involves anything involving crap remotely sex related.

In the video below scat queen Veronica Moser discusses the German scat porn industry in vivid detail.

Coprophilia: Eating crap. The main reason people do this is because they have autism, or are in some way retarded. But this goes for the vast majority of people on the interbutts.

Human Toilet: As part of BDSM play. Basically you shit on them. They claim not to enjoy it. Types of shitplay include:


Risks

It is possible to catch AIDS from shitplay if teh cock is yanked out of the asshole and inserted into the mouth without washing. This explains why so many fags have AIDS.

Crap as a Drug

Crap-food.jpg

Discovered in Africa there is a new drug on the streets that is made from fermented sewage called Jenkem. Jenkem is huffed giving you an intense high and hallucinations. Used by poor people and totse members.


   
 
With glue, I just hear voices in my head. But with Jenkem, I see visions. I see my mother who is dead and I forget about the problems in my life.
 

 
 

BBC article: Children high on sewage

Variations of Crap

At least 100 percent of people who fap to this shit are sick fucks. Holy crap! Where is Blockatiel when you need him?!

Other Noteworthy Crap

Buttsecks Fail

The following is a story about failed buttsecks. It's pretty goddamn funny, but very gross. Then again, what on this page isn't?

Gallery of Crap

Shit Gallery About missing Pics

See Also

Think about it.

External Links


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Crap is part of a series on

Sex

Visit the Sex Portal for complete coverage.

Featured article November 28, 2006
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