Cricket is a form of baseball played with only two bases, the British inability to understand the complexities of baseball being well documented. Since most Brits are either too fat or drunk to navigate a pitcher's mound, British cricket pitchers are allowed to stagger in from second base and throw either a red or white ball overarm like a girl or a brain injury victim. The traditional cricket pitch is as long as three London buses or a brontosaurus (whichever is longer) and in the summer games are extended into the evening with by use of candles and flaming pitchforks.
As documented in the Bollywood masterpiece "Lagaan" all subject races of the British Empire were forced to learn cricket. Starving villagers could either halve or double their taxes by playing English public school cads with twirly moustaches, and in the famous match known as the Jallianwala Bagh Massacre England beat India by 90 British Army soldiers to 1,526 Indian casualties, a feat unsuppassed until a Muslim team pwned over 9000 at the WTC ground on 9/11. Hence the expression "wogs are beaten on the playing fields of Eton", the personal motto of David Cameron. A special form of cricket involving horses, goat heads and Kalashnikov's is played in Afghanistan, the game being won when a woman is stoned to death on the pitch before an enthusiastic audience of Mullahs (nick-named "The Barmy Army").
Norman Tebbit's cricket test
Norman Tebbit, former Heinrich Himmler of the Tories, proposed that once a person has been identified as not white, their entry into the UK should be decided by their ability to answer the following
three five questions;
- What is your favourite colour?
- What is the relative work rate of an European swallow versus an African swallow?
- Why wasn't the South African team allowed to play international cricket in the 1970s?
- Explain the Offside Rule. (Trick question.)
- When a ball that isn't a no ball or wide passes the striking batsman and runs are scored without the batsman hitting the ball, is this called (a) a "Bye", (b) a "Good riddence darkie" or (c) a "Get back to the jungle"? (Multiple no choice.)
The Ashes disambiguated
- Q. How many Jews can you fit in a Mini? A. Four in the seats and six million in the ashtray.
- Ash Ketchum, a condiment made from ash.
- The Americunt Society of Hemotologists (trans. Haemolotologists).
- Alt.suicide.holiday - fun for all the family.
- Ash Williams, the main protagonist from the Evil Dead horror movie.
- Æ (pron. "ash"), a letter used in Old English texts and Sub-English Wikis.
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