Crystal Head Vodka

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The real Indiana Jones!

Crystal Head Vodka is the magical alcoholic brainchild of batshit insane former-somebody Dan Aykroyd. After the failure of many IRL projects, including working for the Canadian Postal Service (admittedly, before he was a Blues Brother), narrating a shitty X-Files wannabe, owning a restaurant and a brave attempt at Ghostbusters 3, good old Elwood Blues decided to market a vodka with a viral marketing campaign based on UFOs, magical crystal skulls and ancient Mexicans. No seriously, he did!

Elwood Blues was born on July 1st 1952, thus making him old and Canadian. He suffers from a birth defect called syndactylism, which is an incredibly weird affliction that fuses together fingers and toes. He was engaged to Princess Leia, admittedly an awesome achievement, but only if the gold bikini made regular guest appearances. Another awesome factette from their relationship surrounds the circumstances of his marriage proposal, detailed here, buried amongst the heartbreaking details surrounding her Bipolar Disorder. To cut a long story short: One night, according to Fisher, she was so high that her beloved forced her to eat, at which point she promptly choked on a Brussels sprout. After he performed the Heimlich Maneuvre, he proposed. This begs just one question. Who the fuck eats Brussels sprouts when they're stoned??

Other Info[edit]

  • Owns a restaurant with Denzel Washington and Norm from Cheers.
  • The aforementioned restaurant was where Phil Spector met that one chick he killed that one time.
  • The aforementioned restaurant was where O.J ate his lunch a few weeks before he raped and murdered that one chick he killed that one time.
  • His eyes are two different colors.
  • Is ambidextrous.
  • Is currently failing at running a wine business.
  • Received Member of The Order of Canada for services to scientific research, despite the only scientific accreditation he has is as a UFOlogist.
  • He is a noted Asspie.
  • Theredskull believes this shit is TOTALLY REAL !!!

The Legend of The 13 Crystal Skulls[edit]

Too easy.

Okay, if you want to know all about the fucking insane legend of the crystal skulls, you're going to have to either wade through the billions of shitty interwebz regarding them, or watch the shitty Indiana Jones film based on it, then forget everything the film taught you and wade through the billions of shitty interwebz regarding them. Either way, the moral of the story is that there is nothing worth knowing about the legend of the 13 crystal skulls that a tidy little set of bullet points cannot teach you. Thus, see below.

She believes. Do you?
  • They were supposedly made by God or Aliens, and given to the Mexicans.
  • It is theorized that they hold the sum of all human knowledge.
  • They may or may not be from Atlantis.
  • That is all.

There are thousands of incredibly interesting "facts" floating around regarding these skulls, however, the vast majority are hysterical conjecture and not worthy of mention. Some of the more pseudo-scientific reasons given for the skulls being ZOMG MAJ'ICK are as follows, along with a few home truths:

Yeah, totally made by aliens.

Myth: They contain a series of prisms that perfectly focus the light that shines through them, and they could not have been artificially inserted because man does not have the technology.

Fact: Spectacle lenses often contain artificially manufactured prisms, and can, in fact, contain multiple prisms, of multiple strengths, facing in different directions. This is not new technology; ask anyone with a lazy eye, as prismatic lenses are one of the main corrective measures.

Myth: The skulls are carved against the grain of the crystal, and even modern laser cutters can't do that without the entire thing shattering into a billion pieces. Also, there are no tool marks on the skulls at all; they're perfectly smooth. It defies the laws of physics!

Fact: If there are no tool marks on the skulls at all, then how exactly does anyone know whether they were carved in one direction or the other? The skulls were very highly polished, and a hand-buffed and polished piece of crystal is very unlikely to have tool marks on due to the fact that those processes are specifically designed to remove imperfections created during manufacture. Furthermore, these things are supposed to be thousands of years old, and many have been found in places open to the elements. One can safely assume erosion plays at least a small part in the silky smooth surface texture.

Myth: The Mitchell-Hedges skull was found at an archaeological dig site, and the jaw was found three months later. Despite the fact that the two had been separated for possibly hundreds, or even thousands of years, when put together they formed an absolutely perfect working jaw mechanism.

Fact: Mitchell-Hedges bought the skull at an auction in 1948. It was complete at the time of buying.

The Video[edit]

It's well worth 8 minutes of your time.

The Film[edit]

The Genius[edit]

Because tributes to alcoholism are very cool.

Alcohol is popular. Very popular, and it's the perfect medium in which to include gimmicks. Different brands and types of alcohol inherently create brand loyalty. Most bars stock a core range of Whiskey, Vodka, Rum, Gin, Spirit Blends and Cognac, and they're almost always in the most prominent position above or behind the bar. These core ranges are all pretty much uniform, because people like what they like. It's as simple as that. Do you know someone who collects Jack Daniels memorabilia? Exactly.
Crystal Head Vodka has the ideal gimmick, and a multi-faceted one at that: Crystal Head Vodka bottles are really fucking cool, and nothing says "badass" like drinking hard liquor from a human head. They have set it apart from the crowd just with the bottle, but then comes the coup de grace: IT'S FUCKING MAGIC!
Well, it's certainly paranormal. Or something. The "magic" aspect of the drink is really just the bottle. It's triple filtered through diamonds (like Smirnoff), or specifically, Herkimer Diamonds, and it's distilled with Newfoundland springwater, thus the vodka itself it truly unspectacular. Like all vodka it is just water mixed with ethanol (aka Everclear). However, the celebrity, legend and viral marketing campaign surrounding it made it an instant hit among stupid Americans.


If only every pink little lunchbox could cause so much hilarity.

The Inevitable Happens[edit]

Conspiracy theorists will conspire of all things

Like everything involving UFOs and relics with convoluted backstories, the conspiracy theorists inevitably stepped off the mothership and weighed in extensively on the matter. The word "ectoplasm" was used in the advert, and this was seen as a not-so-well-hidden message that Ghostbusters was somehow involved, rather than being seen in the way it was clearly intended: a tongue-in-cheek nod to his part in the films. The 8-minute-long viral ad and paranormal overtones led many to believe that the whole thing was nothing more than a plug for the third Ghostbusters film, of which there had long been rumors. Why a film destined for a huge budget would run a viral video with nothing but Dan Aykroyd standing behind a bar shouting at the camera in a rather fucking crazy manner is absolutely anyone's guess. Why a brand of vodka would inspire a mountain of conspiracy theories is also a good question, as well as a pretty accurate reflection of the attitude of many conspiracy lovers, who will make up a funny story about any old piece of shit. The fires were fueled by the fact that suppliers were apparently very hard to come by. However, a brief Google search proved this to be spurious. Either way, it's safe to say that conspiracy theories are 100% wrong, 100% of the time.


The vodka is available, the batshit insane backstory is true, and Dan Aykroyd is a crazy motherfucker.

In Conclusion[edit]

   
 
What's blue and sings alone? - Dan Aykroyd
 

 
 

—Madcow irc bot

External Links[edit]

See Also[edit]

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Featured article June 5, 2010
Preceded by
Freedom Flotilla
Crystal Head Vodka Succeeded by
McDojos