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Starting a cult
If you would like to start a cult, you will need:
L. Ron Hubbard started one of the largest cults in history—Scientology—with only 2 and 3 (later acquiring 4), but he had an advantage because he was on drugs, which as everyone knows give you powers. Although most cult members are of course white, some Christian cults go out of their way to attract ethnic minorities. Why they do this is unknown as niggers have no money, and all they get is bragging rights over being superficially different than the cults Purelily associates with.
Your cult will need some type of symbol. This is important as it will help to attract those so dumb that they cannot read, your prime demographic. But don't come to us for help if you're stupid enough to use someone else's symbol. The Scientologist symbol in particular will get you in deep shit. They're litigious motherfuckers.
It also helps to offer a service that no other cult claims to offer, preferably based on fixing or removing some cosmic or spiritual ailment that can neither be seen nor felt. Christianity removes sin, Scientology removes thetans, and New Age cults "raise your vibrational level" so you can ascend. For added effectiveness, use some kind of fancy-looking machine to "detect" sin, thetans, alien implants, or whatever your cult is supposed to remove and/or tell your believers that the reason they're sick or their life sucks is because they aren't "pure" yet and need moar purification.
You should also make up some cool stories about yourself to give yourself some cred among your future followers. They can be stories of studying in remote parts of the world with great teachers, stories of epic exorcisms, or any number of socio-political achievements reached thanks to your brilliant mind. If you've never actually managed to get off the sofa in your life, that's okay, throw reincarnation into the mix and say you did it in your past life. For added effect, try to find some prophecies foretelling your arrival. The Bible is a great place to look since people often focus on the particular verses they're looking up and don't read the stuff around them, you don't have to worry too much about the verses' actual context.
Don't tell potential members about your more batshit beliefs at once—do you think Scientology would have as many members if they gave people the Xenu story upfront? Instead, ease them into it, starting with some generic self-help and spiritual principals and save the really meaty stuff for when they've been in your cult long enough to have formed a serious commitment.
Maintaining a healthy cult
It is very important that your cult members be isolated from reality as well as profoundly retarded, otherwise they will just leave, and you will have failed it. Punish disobedience with crowd favorites such as the Iron Maiden and castration, and reward good behavior with pie. Whatever it is that your cult claims to offer (e.g., removal of sin, thetans, or alien implants), make sure that the process is never really complete so they'll always have to come back for more purification.
It is also important to have your "holy books" be as long and incomprehensible as possible so that you can claim an exclusive understanding, and, in the case of Scientology, charge thousands and thousands of dollars for them. It's also a plus if you write it in another language, or some language you just made up. Defunct cults such as Taoism and Quakerism left out this important element and thus have completely failed to cause any major atrocities or mass suicides. Don't make the same mistake!
A good tip for your cult: always have a scapegoat; nothing keeps people together like focused hatred, and it works wonders when trying to justify things which might otherwise seem batshit insane. You can try to create a totally new focus of blame (e.g. thetans), or simply choose from the following guaranteed-effective bogeymen:
- Men (see feminism)
- Women (one of the oldest ones in the book)
- Other cults
- Fags (very popular)
- Psychiatry (well suited for cults that involve pedophilia)
- Witches (very effective in rural Africa)
You will also need some mindless rituals to give your drones a greater sense of meaning in their lives, but these can really be absolutely anything, even simulated cannibalism. Get creative. Chickens are pretty cheap and make for a great sacrifice to convert non-believers. Fire is also pretty impressive, but dunking in water will do in a pinch. Whatever rituals you choose, remember that the initiation ritual is one of the most important and should have plenty of pomp and circumstance. If you're short on ideas, you can just steal some Injun stuff. The great thing about stealing stuff from Injuns is that nobody listens to angry brown people, so even if they do make a stink about it nobody will care. Just be careful not to let any white people die in your sweatlodge or you could face a lolsuit.
Put an expiration date on the world and/or its current regimes. This will give people an incentive to stay with you—they wouldn't want to be among those destroyed when the end comes! It can be vague (e.g., sometime within the lifespan of your followers) or precise (December 21st, 2012 is popular lately), whichever you want. Just be aware that you'll have to come up with a reason why shit didn't come tumbling down if you choose a precise date—e.g., your followers weren't pure enough, God decided to let humanity off the hook this time, or you just plain miscalculated. As long as it's believable, it won't matter, your loyal followers will hang on because it's easier than admitting they swallowed a crock of shit. Also, despite the fact that shit like earthquakes, outbreaks of disease, and genocides have been happening throughout history, you can always use these as "proof" that we're in the end times because most people don't pay attention to history.
If a member starts asking too many questions and/or notices contradictions or hypocrisy in your beliefs and/or practices, tell them that they haven't prayed, studied, or meditated enough, or that they're allowing themselves to become corrupted by whatever causes evil according to your cult's doctrine.
If for any reason someone leaves your cult, don't panic! Just tell the other members that the person who left has "fallen into darkness" or has otherwise been corrupted by evil forces, and thus must be avoided at all costs to prevent the other members from becoming corrupted. But remember, you can go a long way to prevent members from trying to leave in the first place by threatening them with ostracism, insanity, financial ruin, or eternal punishment.
Make sure that your followers understand that anyone who is critical of your cult is doing so because he/she is tainted by the evils of this world or is simply jealous of all the good you're doing. If you are confronted by a critic directly, get indignant and demand how they dare criticize you and your people—after all, you're just trying to bring peace and harmony to the world, and they should feel ashamed of themselves for questioning someone with noble intentions like yours.
You're probably wondering when you get to reap the sweet, sweet benefits of being a cult leader. The trick is to ease your followers into handing over their earnings, ask for relatively small amounts of money at first, but gradually ask for more and more. They'll be more willing to give you more cash later on because don't want admit to themselves that they've just wasted all that dough on a bunch of insane ramblings. This technique is so effective, people have actually mortgaged their homes to pay up to the cult.
Finally, you must always, always deny that your organization is a cult.
Ending your cult
If you are bored with your cult, we recommend initiating a mass suicide. As the leader, this is really the only safe way to move on with your life, and tends to eliminate the possibility of greedy ex-members getting liberal ideas in their heads about how they should have had food every single day and complaining to the media. Be sure to leave behind a note to let everyone know your true spiritual intentions.
If all fails, then provoke the Internet Hate Machine.
Staying out of other peoples' cults
As much as most of us would like to think that we're intelligent and clever enough not to fall for other peoples' clumsy attempts at brainwashing, anyone can get sucked in and find themselves willingly downing a whole gallon of Kool-Aid. If you end up hanging out with some guys who have some odd beliefs about the universe, here are some things to watch out for:
- The leader demands lots of sex and/or money.
- The leader and members get butthurt if you start asking too many questions.
- They try to convince you that everyone else is evil and out to get you.
- They can't express their beliefs without using a ton of gibberish.
- They try to shut down or destroy anyone who criticizes them or makes lulz at their expense.
- They threaten to permaban their enemies from IRL.
- They permaban themselves from IRL.
Some Popular Cults
- Leah Remini
- Branch Davidians
- Way of the master
- Church of Latter-Day Saints
- Cult of the Dead Cow
- Heaven's Gate
- Alcoholics Anonymous
- People's Temple
- Xee-A Twelve
- Rational Response Squad
- Church of the SubGenius
- Obama supporters
- Blue Oyster Cult
- Ron Paul fans
- God hates fags
- Sonic CulT
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